*Insert national anthem here*
For most of you, don’t lie, the only part of the National anthem that played in your head when you read the above line was the opening instrumental. It’s not your fault really, its a psychological effect that has been proven by scientists who never conducted research to show the effect of the national anthem and … forget it.
A few thoughts actually run around my mind when I think about this country and our national memorabilia. One of these is won’t they ever change that flag they show whenever a president is about to make a speech? Like that flag has been one and the same since there was still clapperboard TV. But we aren’t here to discuss flags but indulge the owner of this blog on his quest to reveal the “League of Badasses” or something of that sort. As usual, let me apologise for deviating from what may be the status quo, I could very well have shared amazing stories about Bill Clinton (who’s moniker should be the blow job guy) tell me you got that please, or Kim Kardashian but lots of people have done that (yes I mean DONE ‘that’). So I’m just gonna school you on one (or probably the greatest) badass to come out of Nigeria.Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you General Sani Abacha (Mss Fss, Mni, GCON, GCFR, RIP)
Now, I know that some here may want to dispute my theory and be quick to shout “NO! IBB was the baddest ever!” but neigh, hold your horses while I school your asses for a bit (damn! I’m getting good at this wordplay shit). So yes, we shall refer to our subject as “the General” because he’s bad ass like that and it’s better to be safe than sorry. Ignore what you’ve heard about death being the end of life, there are some dead that can end your life. Anyway, let’s proceed…The story of the General cannot be told without reference to the civil war, in fact that is where his story started as can be seen in the pic below…
Our general started as a behind the scenes officer, you know those type of G’s that move in silence like lasagne. Always close to the corridors of power even when not qualified to be. As can be seen in the picture, he’s clearly observing the moves as laid down by his superiors. Incase your eyes only see in color and can’t recognise the other goons in the pic, they are Olusegun Obasanjo, IBB and T.Y Danjuma.
The General’s career started sometime in 1963 when he was commissioned into the army (see if you want history, go and check Wikipedia) Anyway, it is believed that he played an active role in the Lagos/abeokuta phases of the January 1966 coup and would go on to feature prominently in three other coup d’états. How many people do you know have such an impressive record? Like this nigga was so good at snitching on his leaders, he did it four times till he got to the top- Classic case of keeping your enemies the closest.
The General would eventually rise through the ranks (although I gather that he wasn’t the brightest of officers) but what do you need brightness for in the army, when you clearly know how to stab people in the back (literally). You see, the general was so cunning, he participated in the coup that brought Buhari to power, he also participated in that which removed Buhari from power years later. Haahaha! This guy did not send you oh: he would fuck you up in a quick minute. Now, this is where it gets interesting, you know how you thought IBB was the baddest mo’fo ever? Well check this: When IBB became president, he realised that he needed to keep those he feared close by, he immediately made Gen Abacha Chief of Army staff. This meant that Abacha had direct control over the army. IBB thought by making Abacha one of his key officers, he was securing his position. Well, it turned out to be true and false at the same time.
Fashionista toh behd. “You hating ma nigga?”
The General would serve IBB loyally up until 1990 when he was also made Minister of Defence. You have to understand that this nigga was so good at causing harm to the government, so he was placed in positions that would make it a bit hard to carry out a mutiny. This may seem a tad vague to you but if you understand the Military, you would follow. So yeah, time for elections and the whole June 12 debacle, Abacha saw his opening, he and some other ‘loyalists’asked IBB to do the moon walk and step aside after handing over to a caretaker government. IBB heeded the advice and 8 months into the Shonekan administration, we would wake up to the sound of Martial music and a national broadcast with the very familiar intro; “My fellow Nigerians…”
This time though, the guy on the TV wasn’t IBB, they wore the same uniform, this dude looked shorter, blacker and had on some mad ass Ray Bans. Like nigga looked like he just walked out of the set of a ‘Police sunglasses ad’ dripping swag and shit. So homie goes on to tell us of how bla bla bla and how he’s our new president. Gheun! Anyway, plenty long things, the General would rule Nigeria for 5 years during which we can boldly say we experienced what living in fear meant. The General’s administration was characterized by lots of killings, bombings etc. People just died on the regular like chickens. Oppose the government and die. This homie even called the bluff of the United states and the international community. Because of this nigga, Nigeria didn’t go defend the African cup of nations we won just cos the dude had beef with South Africa. Nigga was like “yeah Mandela, we ain’t coming to kick your nations ass in soccer cos we bad like that. Uhun!”
I’m not gonna mention those that lost their lives within the period of this administration but them plenty sha. The General also introduced what we now know as “family business” In case you don’t know, this is highly classified information which you NEVER read. During the regime, a total of 5 billion pounds was reported siphoned out of the country’s coffers by the head of state and members of his family. At that time Abacha was listed as the world’s fourth most corrupt leader in recent history. Abacha’s national security adviser, Alhaji Ismaila Gwarzo, played a central role in the looting and transfer of money to overseas accounts. His son Mohammed Abacha was also involved. A preliminary report published by the Abubakar transitional government in November 1998 described the process: The General told Ismaila Gwarzo to provide fake funding requests, which he approved. The funds were usually sent in cash or travellers’ cheques by the CBN to Gwarzo, who took them to Abacha’s house. Mohammed then arranged to launder the money to offshore accounts. An estimated $1.4 billion in cash was delivered in this way.[
Like I said, all that info is classified. Its Wikipedia that said it o! Don’t comman cause wahala for me o, its Wikipedia ehen! So yeah, anyway apart from the quality fashion sense and bad guy nature of the General, he also had some weird pets, yeah he had lions in Aso rock. I kid you not. I hear they were used to threaten erring people. I’ve always wished I could have lions just so I can one day say “feed him to the lions” as a bad guy n shit. In June 1998, we heard some gist; since the days of Adam all the way to the days of Samson even to present day Davido, Ladies have always been a problem. Our general seemed to have bitten more than he could chew on one fateful day. We hear that he was in the company of some Indian teenage prostitutes. Now we don’t know what position they were on but I’m guessing it must have been doggy or some shit like that because you just CANNOT die in missionary position. Nah, even God will ask if something is wrong with you. So during the thrusting and pushing and going faster, Oga had a heart attack and POOF! The Indian chic must have thought he was cumming probably till he went limp inside her. YUCK!!! Dont even try to picture the occurrence, you’ll give yourself brain haemorrhage. Anyway wrapping up this long story… Wait. What more do you want? A summary? A lesson? What do you think this is? No seriously, dafuq I look like? Jimi Solanke? Y’all better get to stepping before I get all world star hip hop on yo stomp the yardable faces. I can’t even be bothered to end this shit epically.