When you think of the country of India, the first thing that comes to mind is Bollywood, with the gay ass, sexy ass, flexy homosexuals on the screen singing their hearts out and wooing bitches or Rancho making headmasters look bad, or you think of techy individuals with glasses trying to debug codes in Airtel applications, but you never think Hardcore Badass Commando Ninjas who take bullets in the balls, engage armed gunmen in hand-to-hand combat and feed on the blood of their foes. You couldn’t be more wrong if you thought them Indian Jones were soft, cos India has produced some of the most raw, uncut psychopaths in history.
A prime example would be Master Yadav.
Time for some history, settle down nigglings…
In case you’re unaware, or have been living under a rock for the past 4 decades, India and Pakistan are like Saber-tooth and Wolverine; always at loggerheads. And the primary reason is a strip of land. Kinda like Gaza, but this land is called Kashmir. The people of Kashmir are so confused about who they belong to, they just call themselves ‘Kashmiri’. The place is so hotly disputed that the political map of the region looks like a fucking suya pizza. There’s always some sort of war going on, and at a point there was even a nuclear bomb threat, which is sorta like using insecticide to try and kill bacteria.
Anyways, in 1999, shit boiled over the toilet bowl when Kashmiri and Pakistani rebels captured Indian lines and took over a couple abandoned fortresses and borders. The Indians found themselves in a disadvantaged position, and thought “fuck it, if we don’t do some shit soon, we’re gonna be kebab”. So during the Kargil War, Sensei Yadav was assigned to a special Balls-of-Steel, Let’s-Fuck-Up-These-Bitches unit that had been ordered to attack the Pakistani forts in a region popularly known as Tiger Hill.
The date was 3 July 1999. The mission was to climb a sheer, snow-covered cliff face at 18,000 feet, set up a rope system so troops could ascend the mountain, and eliminate any resistance in the area. Now when I say “Tiger Hill”, the first thing that probably comes to mind is a gentle, rolling, grassy slope with a bunch of preteen kids chasing fireflies and hot Indian babes frolicking amongst sunflowers in wet saris, but this motherfucker is actually more along the lines of Annapurna being butt-fucked by Mt. Everest:
Yadav could walk on walls, but basically you don’t display your immortality to mere mortals. However, you try to help them. Since he had undergone Mountain Climbing Training, he volunteered to run point and be the lead man up the cliff face. His job was simply to fix a rope system in the ice so the men following him could walk-climb up the cliff to the top Batman-Robin style, where they would surprise the Pakistani bitches with some heavy assault and scare the scrotums off the individuals and kick them back to the border like Mexi cans…
Yogender Singh Yadav whipped out his climbing gear; pick-axe, rope, balls and all, and started on the dangerous mission. After several minutes of climbing, Sensei Yogender was about halfway up the cliff, with his platoon commander and several comrades close behind him waiting to complete the climb when all of a sudden the Commandos heard RPG fire.
Someone had snitched. Bitch.
Seconds later, a rocket propelled grenade smashed into the mountain side and machine guns went off on the Indians. Several of Yadav’s comrades were shot, and killed on the spot. Others simply plummeted into the great beyond. Though he held on, Yadav himself took 3 bullets, two in the shoulder, and one in the mother fucking ball sack.
Ever had a kick in the balls? Yadav took a bullet. What have you done with your life?
The bullet in his scrotum just served to piss Yadav the fuck off! So he let go of the pick axe and the rope and ran the remaining 60 ft to the top.
Once he got to the top of terra firma, he went on to charge the bunker, which incidentally had all guns in his direction and was firing at will. Yadav willed the bullets to pass through his body, cos fuck it, real men need no bullet proof! When he was close enough, he dropped a grenade, all the while screaming “Neyhi! Ye shall not take me alive” with some Indian chick singing in the background.
At this point, a second fucking pillbox was aimed at his comrades, trying to kill the brave ass commandos who were still attempting to climb up Tiger Hill. So Yadav cracked his neck bones and his knuckles, lit a cigarette, replaced his rifle clip, did some Indian snake charming dance and sang another Bollywood spiritual, then charged the gun emplacement. He ran up, leaped into the Pakistani position in slow motion, and came face-to-face with a four-man machinegun team.
At that point, Yadav entered Kung-Fu-Wolf-Negro-Ass-Kicking mode and started to take the armed gunmen two bitches at a time, flicking a bullet in some dude’s eyeball, burying his boot in another’s face, and finishing the last two off in Jet-Li-Meets-Jackie-Chan-Meets-Ip-Man style. Khan would have been proud.
All this while, Yadav sustained injuries including a broken arm which he got by mistakenly punching himself in the face during all the excitement. When his comrades finally got to him and attempted to pull him to safety and treatment, he just ripped his shirt and bandaged himself, then whipped off his belt and made a make-shift sling for his broken arm and said something along the lines of “Fuck y’all. We s’posed to be whooping some ass, muh fuckers!” His comrades were so pumped by this show of bravery and balls (which still contained a bullet by the way) that they charged the third Pakistani position and within minutes, the battle was over.
For his bravery on Tiger Hill, the Indian Army, thinking he was dead, posthumously awarded the Param Vir Chakra (which is the highest award for bravery) to Yogender Singh Yadav. The thing is, Yadav lived through the battle. But he received notification of his “posthumous” award from his hospital bed, as he was recovering from a broken arm, a broken leg, and about a hundred bullet holes to his body and groin. Apparently, nobody that heard the story believed that he could have possibly survived, but nobody banked on the fact that he was the most hardcore motherfucker around.