When Terdoh told me about this, I really wished I could write about the Hulk. He however said it had to be real people. I wonder why people think the hulk isn’t a real person. Anyway, for the record let it be stated here that I know the Hulk and that he is as real to me as jollof rice and Fanta.
What’s more awkward than two cripples having sex? Think very deeply about it because you haven’t the faintest idea what it feels like having seen what I have. Okay, another question. What did I tell you guys about the Chinese? Those Mongoloid midgets are the giants of our time. I don’t care if you are voltron, I’d choose an average Chinese over you any day. Well unless of course you’re the HULK… but well, err yeah… You’re not. A wise man once said that at least one of his daughters was gonna marry a Chinese man. I read it in this blog here. Call me a traffic warden directing traffic to the blog and shii…. I don’t care. It is my favourite blog. *bb straight face*
Anyway, in the summer of the year of our Lord, 2007, I decided to visit my friend of many years, Lei Ying Lo who lived on the outskirts of Beijing. You see Lei Ying is gay and is secretly married to his lover, Dum Gai and hence, were forced to live on the outskirts of town. You know, two dumb gays lying low… You catch my drift.
One cool day in August, I decided to go into the nearby plains of Fangshang to hunt me some possum. It was while silently rummaging through the under grass that I felt the urge. I suddenly felt like laying an offering to the porcelain god. Only problem was that there was no porcelain god in the outback even though there was an abundance of offerings. So I went into the shrubs and decided to ‘mind my business’. I was doing that in piss when I noticed something out the corner of my eye. Two cripples doing the do. I mean I don’t even know what to call the position they were in… Maybe reverse mormon. All I know is there were no legs and no right hands involved. When you take away take away the right hands, you have the lefts left, right? Right! Only there was only one left hand involved. I’m not sure which of the cripples had the complete arm. All I could think about at that time was how unlucky the dude was if the arm was his. There’s nothing more disgusting for a guy than not being ambisextrous. A nigga needs to be able to fap with both hands yo! Ask Terdoh…
I will leave the rest to your imagination because that’s not the strangest thing I saw that day. *insert tears*
So, I quietly finished my duty and sauntered off to hunt more possum. A few kilometers in I heard sounds and decided to climb a nearby tree to gain vantage point. That’s when I saw it. First it was one arm reaching out of the ground and then came another. A zombie was quietly clawing it’s way out of the earth a few meters away!
In my mind I was like AWESOMEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
And then there were two! I sat on the tree and watched as two Chinese zombies made a grand entry into our world. I rubbed my eyes to see if I was hallucinating but I couldn’t be smellucinating at the same time now, could I? Those creatures looked dirty as hell and smelt like shit! It was almost like they had been swimming in a sea of poop and I know for a fact from my sojourns into the underworld that zombies didn’t smell half as bad even though they were soap dodgers. And then it hit me. Whisky Tango fucking -Foxtrot!!! Could it be?!.
Five days earlier, it was in the local news that a mine had collapsed in the area and that two brothers were trapped in there. Being that the mine was illegal as are many Chinese mines, rescue efforts were called off after one day of digging. Their families had held funeral proceedings for them and I remember Dum Gai saying he was gonna attend one of those. Turns out these awesome brothers were hearing the pick axes as they dug towards them and began to claw their way towards the sounds with their bare hands! Imagine the chagrin they felt when they stopped hearing sounds. If it was you don’t lie, you’d just give up. Like seriously, what would you do if you were trapped 60 feet sub surface of the earth and you knew for a fact that nobody was coming to get you? Asked a couple of people and trust the typical Nigerian, the most common response I got was ‘God forbid’. I would pray; I would shit my pants; I’d masturbate…. But no. Majority just said crap like “that is not my portion”. I’ll deal with you overtly religious Nigerian lot later. Back to my awesome Chinese super cool chronicle.
So for five days, these MEN clawed their way through dirt and rock with their bare hands. When they got hungry and thirsty, they just ate carbohydrates. Well not your average eba and yam but a variant of it. These yellow men from the land east of the rising sun ate COAL. Now coal is not a definite compound but basically is a hydrocarbon. It is composed of carbon, hydrogen and other amounts of nitrogen, oxygen and sulfide. Carbohydrate has the name connotes also is Carbon and hydrates i.e. carbon, hydrogen and oxygen. Now I’m not your average chemistry buff but carbohydrates are energy giving foods and coal also is an energy giving fuel used to power trains in days of old. Energy can be converted to different forms and all so by some freaking natural phenomenon, they got powered.
If you still can’t get your head around why these people just refused to die, you haven’t heard the most amazing of all. This was an illegal mine and was supposedly supposed to be void of any oxygen. How the flipping hell did these gods manage to stay alive?! Dear mortals, it really isn’t that difficult to die is it? If you think it isn’t, why not try to suck on some piss soaked coal popsicle for 5 days? Then dig through 66 feet of earth with your hands, yeah lest I forget, hold your breath while doing it too.When they got thirsty, they just gulped on their own urine and kept on clawing upwards. Bare hands and all…. I was never gonna mention that in passing. Now, be very afraid of a man that’ll drink his own urine! Seriously people, even something as immortally despicable as me wouldn’t think of drinking piss! These q^w#ji?jns gave a whole new definition to taking the piss! I kept wondering if the piss was yellow and finally concluded that it would probably be black with all the coal consumption.
Ladies, gentlemen and Terdoh, give a mental standing ovation to these two awe inspiring wondrous monstrosities. Sons of men, who said no to death. Men of men, sons of Meng: Xianchen and Xianyou. I’m sure the entire Meng clan, China and the extraordinary league of awesome gentlemen are proud of you.
*Larry Sushey takes a bow*