*In serious, stern face* The Outerview you are about to read is one laced with subtle hints of brilliance, bravery and depth. Our desire to bring you the inside scoop of happenings all around us sometimes drives us to places that even Angels and/or demons fear to tread. Seeing as I’m none of the above (I’m a ‘scent’), I decided to send in a daring correspondent, a patient of chronic psychosis, a morphed chinese fish..A Sushey.
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It was with a great sense of pleasure and humility that I accepted to take part in this endeavour to educate since that is my initial calling. Ever heard the “I am Larry Sushey, everyone needs to learn the stuff I teach” line? No? Well now you have. Listen attentively as I will take you on an underground tour of enlightenment, through the embers of the mind of one the wise men from the east. Not Anambra o! I mean the Middle – East. (Wonder why they call it that)
And yeah… This post is sponsored by Saka’s Stick- PaRtiNg rEd SEaS sInCe 1991.
*Venue: Some dingy studio in Ramallah
*Outerviewer: Larry Sushey
*Outerviewee: Mahmood Abass (Palestinian PM)
*Time: 1:45 am
First things first, let me say that it took me almost four hours to explain to the Palestinian authorities that this was a radio interview and we therefore wouldn’t be needing a sign language interpreter. These people are very stubborn. They say almost half the population is deaf, I say the other half don’t listen. Anyway, here goes… Enjoy and learn!
N.B they had a machine that translated everything I said to Arabic for Mr. Abbas to read from so he was reading my questions in Arabic.
Larry Sushey: Good morning your Excellency. It is a real pleasure to be here. We…
Mahmood Abbas: ثتقفق شفق عتق لاشزقفسي?
Interpreter: Where is camera?
Larry Sushey: This is a radio program sir…
Mahmood Abbas: *chuckles* تجتققتشستججتق ح لجفاقع.
Interpreter: President laugh, he forget.
Larry Sushey: You recently submitted a document at the United Nations hq in New York seeking an independent state of Palestine. How is that going?
Mahmood Abbas: ثق تسئق يخةزحععقب حع ح نخيع تجدق غتسع عتق حولحبقكي تسئق وجع عتفجثو حع خوبقف عتق لأسفدقع.
Interpreter: We have submit a big paper, we just hope the infidels don’t kolobi it.
Larry Sushey: Who are the infidels?
Mahmood Abbas: شفق هجخ زسب? حيفسقك شوب هشومقق جل لإجخفيق…
Interpreter: *spits* Are you mad? Israel and America of course!
Larry Sushey: *swallows spit and adjusts bullet proof vest* Okay. Educate our listeners on this occupation brouhaha between you and Israel.
Mahmood Abbas: ةقلجفق 1948 تسئق هجخ تقشفب جل شوه ذكسلاق لاشككقب حيفسقك? عتجيق دقجذكق بجخاتع خي حو ساعة ثسف، خيقب جنجفج عج ثحو شوب يعجكق جخف كشوب.
Interpreter: Before 1948, there is no place call Israel. They scatter all over the world and that is why Hitler want to kill them. They go to your land and want to thief everything and take over. That is their flavour. They come and engage us in illegal war, use ojoro and win and they occupy Palestinian territory after we have agree give them small land to farm and build temple of worship. They are infidels and Hamas and Fattah will…
Larry Sushey: *faces interpreter* So you mean to tell me that the few sentences his excellency spewed is this long when translated. Are you sure you aren’t adding somethings by yourself?
Interpreter: O_O. No. *sips green tea*
Larry Sushey: Sorry about that sir. Have you explored dialogue as a means of resolving this conflict?
Mahmood Abbas: ثتسع لإجفولكشمقي?
Interpreter: What cornflakes?
Larry Sushey: C O N F L I C T not cornflakes.
Mahmood Abbas: جت هقي. هجخ يقق، دسكقيعحوحسوي شفق ساعة دقسلاقلخك دقجذكق. قئقفهعحزق ثق أج عج عتق عشةكق عتق حيفسقكحي يعسكك عتق عسكمي. عتقه بجوع ثسوع عج كقسئق. ثق تسئق لحوشككه بقلاحبقب غتسع ثق ثسوع جخف جثو لإجخوعفه. لحوحيت!
Interpreter: Palestinians is a peace loving people. We have go to the table to talk many times but the infidel, sorry, Israeli always not agree to our conditions. They don’t like peace. So no more talk till we have our country!
Larry Sushey: With all due respect sir, how do you get your country without a peaceful resolution via dialogue first? Have you relaxed your conditions?
Mahmood Abbas: ثق بج وجع جثق حع عج فقكسر جخف لاجوبحعحجويز جخف بقلاحيحجو حي لحوشك شوب ثق ثحكك وجع ةخباق غحكك ثق اقع ثتسع ثق ثسوع. ثق عفحقب بحسكجاخق حع بحبوع ثجفم، وجث ةه لحفق ةه لجفلاق، ثق ثحكك اقع جخف وسعحجو.
Interpreter: We will not relax anything! This is our land and they must accept our condition. If not we must get our country by fire by force first then we discuss again.
Larry Sushey: You said earlier that Israel didn’t exist before 1948. The Bible says they’ve been since beginning of time however. What do you say to this?
Mahmood Abbas: لجفاقع غتسع عتحوا! حي حع وجع زسو غتسع ثفجعق عتق ةحةكث? بجوع عفخيع زسو ج! ةقيحبقي، عتحي حي وجع سةجخع فقكحاحجو. حع حي سةجخع كشوب.
Interpreter: Forget all that. Man wrote the Bible, man can lie very much. Also, this not about religion. It’s about land.
Larry Sushey: Okay sir, any last words for our listeners before we leave the studio?
Mahmood Abbas: دسكقيحوق حي ساعة ئقفه ةقشخعحلخك لاجخوعفه. ثق تسئق أججب عقش، أججب كشوب شوب وسعخفسك يغفحددقفي. عتقه بج وجع لاشكك حع أشءس يغفحد لجف وجعتحوا. شكيج عتقفق حي عجخفحيع سععفشلاعحجو كحمق يتقحم سفشلشع’ي إفسئق شوب عتق لقؤلاق سع أشءس. هجخ يتجخكب.
Interpreter: Palestine is beautiful country. We have tea and good farmland. We have tourist attraction like big mosque and Yasser Arafat grave. We also have the infidel fence put up by those pigs and the best strippers in the world in Gaza. They don’t call it Gaza strip for nothing. Visit us again.
Larry Sushey: Thank you Mr. Presi…
*They blindfold me, lead me through the back door and drive me to the airport with a sack of green tea*
All the while I’m thinking, what the hell is wrong with these people?!
*camera re focuses on me #AsaBawse*
Don’t deny, we blew you away with our Arabic lines. #dontLieAdmitIt.
right, right..here on Outerviews, we desire to educate as well as entertain you. Don’t lie, some of you didn’t know that Mahmood Abass is the Prime Minister of *scrolls up to check the country again* Yeah..Yeah. Well we’ve schooled you once again. Be thankful.
Oh by the way, its @SlevinCalevra’s birthday today. Just incase you didn’t know, he’s the same person as Larry Sushey. Drop him a birthday wish, credit etc. I’ll try to make sure he gets it.
Oh yeah, to my comrades, friends and family off to serve our mother abi na fatherland in this NYSC batch, pls stay alive. Terdoh, my man, see this as your opportunity to get familiar with your roots. #NoAgbo.
Yeah, so till next time when we come your way again, hit the subscribe button, tell your friends, Enemies and followers that TSC is the place to be.
*now back to writing that ‘dry friday’ post*