Commen8urrs

“Please Read and RT…”

A very popular line we see around these parts. Infact, i’m sure a lot of you saw this instruction before proceeding on here. Whether you actually do help the cause is another cool story altogether but that’s not why we are here. You see, Ladies and Gentlemen, today we shall be doing some serious soul searching. Yes. Shit is serious. Based on the amount of Patients we have checked into TSC recently, it’s only natural that we embark on this exercise for the sake of my sanity. Yes I’m running mad. You wanna know who’s driving me bollocks? Oh! How nice. Wait for it, Wait for it *drumrolls* Keep waiting…

Your regular blogger

Blogsville is a very selfish place, a place filled with bloggers with inflated egos, people who think they have something to say and subject you to reading it. They come on here and force their ideologies and shit down your throats as if some of you don’t have enough being rammed down your throats already. Some of them on here are as lame as my attempt to insert a witty metaphor in this space, yet they keep at it, killing us softly with their already dead attempted ‘humourical’ posts. There are those ones that do a very good job at sending us to sleep with their poetic pieces. (This would have been welcome if only they posted them at 9/10pm not during work hours). Arrgggh…the story tellers, i think this place must be some Nollywood training ground ‘cos i can’t for the life of me understand why i should be subjected to reading some bleh story. And believe me when i say that we are entertained to bleh on bleh on bleh here. Those ones who think they are experts at passing salt, the ones who have problems with their barber, the ones that don’t wear socks, the ashawo ones, the clowns…*sigh*™ the list is endless.

The truth is bitter, Alomo (Ice Prince see what you’ve caused?) Well, someone has gotta speak it and that’s me. The reason these people have a voice is Y O U!!! Yes you, with your hand on that down arrow key, mouse or Trackpad. You staring at this screen, looking at this word..this WORD! Yes YOU!!!

You thought for a bit i was going to do some Blogger bashing? Nah we don’t do that here. Today we shall celebrate YOU, dear commenter.  I shall attempt to give honour to whom honour is due because i’m nice like that. Just look through and search for which category of commenters you fall into.

THE FUTURE LIARS:  Its sad that we were raised in times where much importance was attached to titles and achievements, This is responsible for the mad crave for recognition in society. This madness has crept in here. A lot of you (not me sha) will have kids and use the “when i was your age, i always came first” line.

FIRST?

I understand that Blogs afford you the opportunity to at least come first in your life (apart from those that always CUM first). More grease to your left hand or as the case may be, more bandwidth speed to your modem. We like the idea sha, at least, it increases the number of comments we have. But remember “one day the first will be the…” Yeah.

THE RETARDS:  Relax abeg, na say i call you retard dey make you vex? You tink say dem never call Wizkid retard before? Park well abeg. Yes so you belong to this group if all you say in the comments section is  “LOL” like WTF??? No SERIOUSLY, you left what you were doing previously to read a blog post and all you can say is ‘lol’ Shey you know we all use ‘lol’ and most of the time, our face is set in stone like that Aziga guy on MTN project fame.

Oh my! wrong picture…that’s not him. Hold on a sec…

i couldn't find a stern picture

Anyway, you get my drift. “lol’ is a lazy man’s comment and it really means “i can’t really process any smart thing to say here so i might as well just type lol and get to stepping.” This behavior was learnt and perfected on Social Networks where lol became the easiest way to avoid conversations before the (Y) smiley took over. Lol, LMAO and other such acronyms are NOT tolerated on here. if you can’t type a full sentence then GTFOH!!!

THE ADVERTISERS: These guys come into your posts with little or nothing to say. they are peddlers of links or selling some ware or the other. Notable amongst them include Mallams selling Zobo, Girls selling Sprite, carpenters distributing seats, Lastma and area boys selling parking space etc. They are a necessary evil and you can trust them to show up when things get heated up. The link peddlers are however Blogsville Houseboys and girls ready to provide more information concerning the topic(s) being discussed. They don’t have anything to say o, they will just come and advertise their link..’ Click here’ , this is the link—> http://www.yesimjobless.com/so?

The Mallam peddling his Zobo

THE ARTIFICIALLY INTELLIGENT: Ok, now these ones are a special lot. i tend to call them the nerds. As far as i’m concerned, they are failed or attempting lecturers seeking recognition on blogs. (hopefully, the English HOD of some school will stumble upon their comments and seek them for employment.) They are skilled in the art of tatafo thus bringing me to the accurate conclusion that they have at one time or the other lived in face-me- i -face- you ville. These guys come into posts to count paragraphs, detect gbagauns and grammatical errors. they also have the ability to tell you what the story should have been like because they have the original manuscripts stored in their brain. They are like insects that prey on you at night, sapping your strength and all. What these guys might not realise though, is that, their regular visits to these blogs show some form of loyalty, like a drug that they can’t stay away from.In subtle words, they are secret fans, they just don’t know it yet…or maybe they do.

Can a praying Mantis be Atheist?

THE FAILED BLOGGERS: *sigh*™ These ones are the problems we have in our country today. Just as every Nigerian can coach our football team with their mouths, these guys can make or mar a post with their keypads. They are failed bloggers because  i don”t know whether they are unaware that blogger apps are free. they will come and write epistles in the comment sections. Their own theory will be longer than the subject discussed. Some will tell you how their Aunts and Uncles had bla bla bla and how bla bla became black sheep. The worst part is, when they’re done, They will apologise for “the long comment” when they can spare us the torture and just delete the rubbish. Most times they yarn balls but hey we asked for a comment so ¯\..(•͡.̮ •͡ )../¯.

THE WORST: These ones are the carriers of the Most dreaded word in the whole blogsville. They have the hottest parts of Hades reserved for them for this major cruelty to mankind which they so easily display on the regular. These are the guys who go to the comment box and type “Nice”

N to the fucking Ice?!? I sit my butt down and type some brain wrecking, butt aching stuff and you come on here and tell me ‘nice? You would be better off forcing me to Lip Lock with Kenneth Okonkwo. What?!? Let me tell you what nice means. Nice means:

i got the link you tweeted at me and i opened the blog. i saw it was a story, a loooong story (i scrolled down quickly). i realised i wasn’t going to read it so since i’m already down here, i figured i might as well just comment. i can’t lol because i don’t know if its a funny post or not so i’ll just play safe and type ‘nice’ so that you’ll know i was here and its real.

You know what happen to 9ice people? You don’t? Ok o..rather than say ‘nice’ please, abeg just click ‘like’ on the post. It registers your unimportant presence (pls o I’m being sarcastic, but of course)

So yeah, you all fall into one or more of these categories. feel free to identify yourself in the comment section below. i know there’s one more category which is the obviously sensible ones but that’s not why we are here. Good guys cum last..booyah..Truth is though, you guys are the reasons we stay on here. Yes Bloggers can say that they write because they love the art but who’s a Musician without his audience? Who’s a sportsman without the spectators? Who’s a D’banj without a Don Jazzy? I really want to appreciate all of you who take out time to Read and actually comment, no matter the category you belong. You make the journey worthwhile for us. On behalf of every Blogger, i say…

*scene changes, disco and spotlights come on. Its Sirkastiq doing the MJ crotch grab and moving waist up and down* cue in Theme song*

i’m just an Oliver,(3x) Oliver Twist…Lebete, lebete,lebete,…Labata, labata, labata…Zebede, zebede, zebede

Pls keep commenting. thanks Signed: Bloggers.
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71 thoughts on “Commen8urrs

  1. LMAOOOOO!!! i am sooo in “The Worst” category. Some posts go on for ages. The best u can do is read the first two paragraphs and write “nice”
    Most times i also “like” the post just to add effizy 😦
    & i’m in “The retard” category too *sigh*. I swear half the times i type “lol” especially if it’s in small letters, i’m probably stone-faced 😥
    *crawls off to bed*

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  2. Can I say a cool, “Lol!” to this? Abeg now oga give me permission nah. This really had me laughing, Not because I m not occasionally guilty of some of these stuff.

    What type of commenter am I? the thing is my blog reading habit is sporadic. When I do read and something tickles my fancy I will comment so maybe I m a fair weather commenter? Na you know that one. Might be my first time here, not sure. Interesting insight into the world of the blogger. As an advertiser, click my profile and check out my own too jo cos I m a narcissist like that, all bloggers are in some way.

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  3. But I really do like the way you have brought this issue forward. It is very important and ignoring it would just be another step in the wrong direction. So, first, I must commend you. Next, you are right in saying that the readers are the people that make this happen. My dad always used to say, is a mad man mad if no one is there to watch him?
    Well, I do hope that all the commentators learn the right and appropriate way to comment on a blog. This canker worm of horrible blog-commenting must be eradicated.
    Sorry for the long comment.
    Nice one. (Y)

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    1. I understand and appreciate your point of view. However, we must take into consideration our right to free expression. Every individual has the right to espress him/herself in whichever way he/she likes.

      My aunt’s uncle’s neighbor’s sister’s daughter’s teacher’s third son’s sister-in-law once read a post on a blog somewhere because she was given the link by a relative. Upon reading the post, she found the subject matter to be of a completely relatable nature and therefore left a comment in the provided space expressing her thoughts on the issue.

      Was she attacked? No! Why? Because it is her right!

      Therefore, I deem it unfair of you to suggest that any form or manner of commenting be ‘eradicated’. If reading comments irk you please use the ‘block comments’ options in the settings.

      I’m sorry for taking up so much space here. I just had to clarify the matter.

      (Y)

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      1. LMAO!!

        GTFOH!!!

        WHAT?1! Ok..while I agree that your sister’s neighbours aunty’s older third daughter had the right to air her view having received the link from a source she trusted and thus opened, I still believe that caution should be exercised on such matters.

        However, paragraph four, line 15 ‘irks’ not ‘irk’

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  4. Okay! I kinda cut across al d groups except d failed bloggerz…smtimes u guyz go on yapping bout d same shit…for crying out loud i left ma TL to read dis piece…it should be worth…moral lesson: …….amma cm bak when i fig it out.

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  5. Lol, nice…:p I have for shoes for sale, holla for details, the piece was fraught with countless grammatical blunders and punctuation errors, and the story line could do with some tweaking, despite all that it wasn’t totally sleep inducing… 🙂

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      1. Oh, I am so painfully obtuse. I was wondering who the person that had problems with his barber was. Perfect response to a trash post? Three words. ‘Cool story bro.’

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  6. But really, you did get me laughing with this. And the jpegs too. . .
    Imma ask a question though, if someone really wants a comment from you and they wrote not-so-nice jargons, and you have to be nice, what would you type?

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  7. I am very sure most(not all) of us write for the comments,cos I see very good blogs with almost zero comments. it is not a hidden fact. I write so people can comment on it. God knows I won’t put pen to paper if there is nobody to read it. it is not selfishness or a craving for attention,Kelvin,it is simply the way the world is. humans are social creatures. I don’t believe that crap when musicians say music is the way they express themselves. would Dolly Parton have written Coat Of Many Colors to sing to herself in the shower?

    And of course,things will also get serious. there will always be serious critics. I don’t just do it to force shit down your throat or to crave attention. infact,until we ‘spoke’ on that sawaleh post,it never occurred to me that people would click my link to get to my blog,as Kit Kat did. I have always been a critic of all things literature,its just the Superman people that blew the lid off my gentleness.

    don’t give anyone shit for what they say or feel like doing once they use their computers to go to a blog. we all know whose comments/thoughts we crave.

    life is not straightforward. we just have to deal with it.
    😦

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  8. Lol. This is interesting because for someone like me, my decision to comment at all, and wat I actually put down as a comment is dependent on d kind of post, and how I feel while reading it. I think that you’ll agree with me that sometimes, a greater percentage of the overall no of ppl who read these posts don’t comment because they can’t be BOTHERED to, and as such, if someone actually types ‘LOL’ they actually found d post hilarious, or ‘Nice’ because it actually was and there isn’t any other comment or criticism d reader can include, and would like to provide dis feedback to d writer. I also want to believe dat when u write, u want feedback so as to see how good ur work is and to constantly improve yourself.
    My own 2 cents.

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  9. Funny was abt to say NICE or LOL but I cudnt find my category here o. So, we hve a problem Kev.
    Nice… Oops, l meant ” Enjoyed it alot”. Off I go, my work is done here.

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  10. The thought provokking nature of this post, and the hiddden messages underlying herein should not be taken for granted.

    E dey pain. I don write post finish, you come dey write “Nice”. Arggh!! Planksta!

    Although, I guage my posts by how many comments I get. And when I don’t meet my ‘expectation’, I get sad. So I’m shooting myself in the foot by trying to determine what my ‘comment8ors’ write.

    Wharrahell, write what you want! If e chook me, I go moderate your comment. Nansense.

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  11. The Nice doesn’t even pain me… Its the ‘Cute’… I’ve tried and tried in my busy days and sleepless nights,still I can’t fathom why some1 will call a Post ‘cute’…*sigh*

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  12. Wigan will get relegated this season. That their coach has been too lucky these past two seasons. Ehen, who knows the time for CAF Champions league finals? Esperance can play o!

    What kind of commenter am I?

    Larry Sushey.

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  13. I read blogs cos they are fun, some are actually very good Sometimes I just leave them open on d browser Α̲̅πϑ read through it after work. I do d single comment thing too ‘sometimes’ but dt doesn’t mean I didn’t take time to read it, mayb too lazy to drop a proper comment but d blogger shld be happy enoug dt someone even dropped by to say ‘lol’ or ‘nice’. Cool post

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  14. This my last carrying don tire me o…..
    Can anyone help…..looooool

    Ofcourse, we write for the comments, the lol, the nice, the (Y) are just ways of not saying things you wanna say.

    The real comment is what you say to yourself immediately you finish reading the post.

    Cheers to the commentators! Atleast more than half of the people who read post don’t comment at all.

    Cool post

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  15. “There are those ones that do a very good job at sending us to sleep with their poetic pieces. (This would have been welcome if only they posted them at 9/10pm not during work hours).”…………………..sub perhaps? OK.

    Like

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