Hello, welcome to Outerviews today. It is I, the beautiful, delectable, amazing –
*Saka cuts in*, “hey, this is not your show!”
OK, whatever! *whispers* “Saka likes me.”
Anyway, it is I, @TheFakeesse, Ifunanya of #EsseBoobs fame. (Yes, this is shameless self promotion, but who cares?) Anyway, I wil be your host today, and on the show, we have amazing multi-talented Nollywood star, businezz (she made me spell it this way) tycoon and all round diva.. I give you, Tonto Dikeh!!!!!
*applause from mainly Africa Magic filled Audience*
Please note, due to the nature of this outerview, my default facial expression varied from O_O to
Tonto: *bluzhez* Thankz, my loveliez.
Me: Umm…. OK… Welcome, Miss Tonto. You are even more beautiful in person.
Tonto: Oh, thankz… I uze a lot of beauty productz. You know becauze I’m light zkinned I have to uze foundation and lot of toning…
Me: *interrupting* But, I didn’t ask about your beauty regimen, Miss Tonto. And I guess this is as good a time as any to ask about your very obvious aversion to the letter ‘S’.
Tonto: Ahhh.. that. Yez. Peope alwaiz azk me that. But I don’t have anything againzt ‘S’. I juzt like Z becauze it resemblez the mark of Zorro. I love Antonio Banderaz.
Me: But that’s not even how you spell his name…. *sigh* Never mind. So, tell us, you actually studied Petrochemical Engineering? You must be very intelligent.
Tonto: Oh, please! Don’t make me bluzh! Well, thank you. I am very brilliant. I had good gradez and it’z my love for acting that made me go into the businezz. I could have found a job anywhere I want.
Me: O_O -___- *nods* Very modest, are we? I don’t doubt it for a second. Moving on, there have been a lot of rumours and gist because of your recent movies. Most of these movies star you, Muna Obiekwe and an old man of forgettable name
*Saka hands me piece of paper*
Oh, yes, Jibola Dabo. Are you not afraid these movies might damage your already shaky reputation?
Tonto: *Laughs* What shaky reputation? My reputation is not shaky. It’z az firm az Muna Obiekwe’z ztomach.
Me: O_O *interrupting again* B-but, do you think that’s the best comparison for you to use in relation to the word “firm?”
Tonto: Can you pleaze ztop interrupting my thoughtz? I’m trying to think and you’re not helping with your nosy parking!
Me: Nosy parking?! Err…. I’m not sure such a thing exists..
Tonto: Trust me you don’t want to see my red eyez! Ztop correcting me!
Me: O_O Your red… OK. You are very popular on the social networking site Twitter. Why do you enjoy tweeting so much?
Tonto: Oh, It’z becauze of my fanz! Everything I’m doing iz for the fanz. And like you zaid, I am very popular and thiz iz becauze of my many fanz and alzo…
*Loud noise in studio as someone walks unto the set*
Nonhle Thema: (to Tonto) Excuse me, you? Popular? Plenty fans? Hello!!! I AM your walking God. I run Twitter. Everyone worships me on there.
Me: O_O I’m sorry, who is this?
Tonto: *stands and does the Blackberry girls clap* Ehn eehn!!! Who is this one?! Do I know you from anywhere??
*Argument continues between Tonto and Nonhle*
Me: Producer!! Saka!!! What is all this? Is this what you called me to be doing?! I quit!
Saka: Wait, let me fix it…
*Two hefty looking men come and bundle Nonhle in Bagco super sack and carry her to God knows where.*
Tonto: What rubbish! What arrant nonsense! *primps hair and rolls eyes*
Me: I’m so sorry. We apologize for the embarrassment.
Tonto: It’z alright. Go on.
Me: So tell us, you have ventured into the music industry? Do you think that Nigeria is ready to accept Tonto as a singer?
*loud noise again as someone hurries unto set*
Me: Oh God, not again!
Apollonia: (to Tonto) Eheen! Shey iwo ni Miss Fasson Internasona (Fashion International) I’ve been find you since! Dat other day as I wave to you, o dami lohun! Iz it not you I’m greeting???
Tonto: WHAT THE HELL?! Who iz thiz nincompoop?!
Me: Saka, I can’t please. You’re not paying me enough for all this drama.
Saka: Wait. Apollo, come. This is not your movie set. Come let’s go and find your friend Mary Remmy. I’m sure she’ll be glad to see you.
Apollo: Aah… oda! Lerrus go! You, Toto, I will catch you in some other times. Olori gbeske oshi..
*follows Saka out of building*
Me: O_O I am sorry.
Tonto: *speaks unprintable English* Hizzz! Continue, jare!
Me: OK, then. Next question. A lot of people seem to be… fascinated by your name…. do you want to say anything on that? You know, set the record straight once and for all?
Tonto: *laughs* Yez, yez. I hear all the jokez on Twitter…
Me: O_O *interrupts* I’m sorry, you HEAR the…
Tonto: *flashes me a glimpse of ‘red eyez’*
Me: *shuts up quick*
Tonto: Az I waz zaying, “Tonto Dikeh” iz actually my ztage name. My full name is Toronto D.K.N.Y. Because I was conceived in Toronto, and born in New York. But people are alwayz accuzzing me of prouding…
Me: O_O 😐 -___-
Tonto: *continuing* Zo, I zhortformed it to Tonto. You know Toronto to Tonto. Quite catchy, eh? Zo, I removed the two city names. Toronto and N.Y. Zo, now I have Tonto D.K. Zo, my manager changed the D.K. to Dikeh zo that it can appeal to more Nigerianz.
Me: O_O First of all, Miss Toronto, that is the most ridiculous name story I ever heard. Second, ‘shortformed’ is NOT even a word. Ahn ahn!
Tonto: You know what?! I’ve had it with you and your nonzenze and ingredientz, coming here, wasting my time, all the harrassment!
Tonto: I’m out! I can’t take theze busheet!!! I’m gonna call my lawyerz and producerz.
Me: *whispers* Producers kwa?! *calls out to her* B-but, wait… Miss Toronto!!!
Tonto storms out in anger. As she walks away, the 8 inch heels of her Louboutins break and she falls and hits her head on the floor. Her head cracks open and blood, a white Blackberry torch, and many strands of Muna Obiekwe’s chest hair all spill out.
Me: O_O Saka, I quit yo. I’m not cut out for this. *exits*
* * * * * *
Esse! Baby! Wait!!! *sigh*™ *pockets white torch sharply*
In Other news people, asides for OuterViews, feel free to send in your stories, articles, whatever. As long as they aren’t effective sleep inducers, they are much welcome on TSC.
Till I can successfully think up something to get you on here again, here’s a piece of advice: “Christmas is coming. You might wanna stock up on your Omo and persil. That which wasn’t possible in the summer can be possible in Winter. Amen somebody?”