OuterViews V

Hello, welcome to Outerviews today. It is I, the beautiful, delectable, amazing – 

*Saka cuts in*, “hey, this is not your show!” 

OK, whatever! *whispers* “Saka likes me.” 

Anyway, it is I, @TheFakeesse, Ifunanya of #EsseBoobs fame. (Yes, this is shameless self promotion, but who cares?) Anyway, I wil be your host today, and on the show, we have amazing multi-talented Nollywood star, businezz (she made me spell it this way) tycoon and all round diva.. I give you, Tonto Dikeh!!!!!

*applause from mainly Africa Magic filled Audience*

Please note, due to the nature of this outerview, my default facial expression varied from O_O to O_o

Tonto: *bluzhez* Thankz, my loveliez.
Me: Umm…. OK… Welcome, Miss Tonto. You are even more beautiful in person.
Tonto: Oh, thankz… I uze a lot of beauty productz. You know becauze I’m light zkinned I have to uze foundation and lot of toning…
Me: O_o *interrupting* But, I didn’t ask about your beauty regimen, Miss Tonto. And I guess this is as good a time as any to ask about your very obvious aversion to the letter ‘S’.
Tonto: Ahhh.. that. Yez. Peope alwaiz azk me that. But I don’t have anything againzt ‘S’. I juzt like Z becauze it resemblez the mark of Zorro. I love Antonio Banderaz.
Me: O_o But that’s not even how you spell his name…. *sigh* Never mind. So, tell us, you actually studied Petrochemical Engineering? You must be very intelligent.
Tonto: Oh, please! Don’t make me bluzh! Well, thank you. I am very brilliant. I had good gradez and it’z my love for acting that made me go into the businezz. I could have found a job anywhere I want.
Me: O_O -___- *nods* Very modest, are we? I don’t doubt it for a second. Moving on, there have been a lot of rumours and gist because of your recent movies. Most of these movies star you, Muna Obiekwe and an old man of forgettable name

*Saka hands me piece of paper*

Oh, yes, Jibola Dabo. Are you not afraid these movies might damage your already shaky reputation?
Tonto: *Laughs* What shaky reputation? My reputation is not shaky. It’z az firm az Muna Obiekwe’z ztomach.
Me: O_O *interrupting again* B-but, do you think that’s the best comparison for you to use in relation to the word “firm?”
Tonto: Can you pleaze ztop interrupting my thoughtz? I’m trying to think and you’re not helping with your nosy parking!
Me: O_o Nosy parking?! Err…. I’m not sure such a thing exists..
Tonto: Trust me you don’t want to see my red eyez! Ztop correcting me!
Me: O_O Your red… OK. You are very popular on the social networking site Twitter. Why do you enjoy tweeting so much?
Tonto: Oh, It’z becauze of my fanz! Everything I’m doing iz for the fanz. And like you zaid, I am very popular and thiz iz becauze of my many fanz and alzo…

*Loud noise in studio as someone walks unto the set*

Nonhle Thema: (to Tonto) Excuse me, you? Popular? Plenty fans? Hello!!! I AM your walking God. I run Twitter. Everyone worships me on there.
Me: O_O I’m sorry, who is this?
Tonto: *stands and does the Blackberry girls clap* Ehn eehn!!! Who is this one?! Do I know you from anywhere?? 

*Argument continues between Tonto and Nonhle*

Me: Producer!! Saka!!! What is all this? Is this what you called me to be doing?! I quit!
Saka: Wait, let me fix it…

*Two hefty looking men come and bundle Nonhle in Bagco super sack and carry her to God knows where.*

Tonto: What rubbish! What arrant nonsense! *primps hair and rolls eyes*
Me: I’m so sorry. We apologize for the embarrassment.
Tonto: It’z alright. Go on.
Me: So tell us, you have ventured into the music industry? Do you think that Nigeria is ready to accept Tonto as a singer?
Tonto: Well…

*loud noise again as someone hurries unto set*
Me: Oh God, not again!
Apollonia: (to Tonto) Eheen! Shey iwo ni Miss Fasson Internasona (Fashion International) I’ve been find you since! Dat other day as I wave to you, o dami lohun! Iz it not you I’m greeting???
Tonto: WHAT THE HELL?! Who iz thiz nincompoop?!
Me: Saka, I can’t please. You’re not paying me enough for all this drama.
Saka: Wait. Apollo, come. This is not your movie set. Come let’s go and find your friend Mary Remmy. I’m sure she’ll be glad to see you.
Apollo: Aah… oda! Lerrus go! You, Toto, I will catch you in some other times. Olori gbeske oshi..

*follows Saka out of building*

Me: O_O I am sorry. 
Tonto: *speaks unprintable English* Hizzz! Continue, jare!
Me: OK, then. Next question. A lot of people seem to be… fascinated by your name…. do you want to say anything on that? You know, set the record straight once and for all?
Tonto: *laughs* Yez, yez. I hear all the jokez on Twitter…
Me: O_O *interrupts* I’m sorry, you HEAR the…
Tonto: *flashes me a glimpse of ‘red eyez’*
Me: *shuts up quick*
Tonto: Az I waz zaying, “Tonto Dikeh” iz actually my ztage name. My full name is Toronto D.K.N.Y. Because I was conceived in Toronto, and born in New York. But people are alwayz accuzzing me of prouding…
Me: O_O 😐 O_o -___-
Tonto: *continuing* Zo, I zhortformed it to Tonto. You know Toronto to Tonto. Quite catchy, eh? Zo, I removed the two city names. Toronto and N.Y. Zo, now I have Tonto D.K. Zo, my manager changed the D.K. to Dikeh zo that it can appeal to more Nigerianz.
Me: O_O First of all, Miss Toronto, that is the most ridiculous name story I ever heard. Second, ‘shortformed’ is NOT even a word. Ahn ahn!
Tonto: You know what?! I’ve had it with you and your nonzenze and ingredientz, coming here, wasting my time, all the harrassment!
Me: O_O
Tonto: I’m out! I can’t take theze busheet!!! I’m gonna call my lawyerz and producerz.
Me: *whispers* Producers kwa?! *calls out to her* B-but, wait… Miss Toronto!!!

Tonto storms out in anger. As she walks away, the 8 inch heels of her Louboutins break and she falls and hits her head on the floor. Her head cracks open and blood, a white Blackberry torch, and many strands of Muna Obiekwe’s chest hair all spill out.

Me: O_O Saka, I quit yo. I’m not cut out for this. *exits*

* * * * * *

Esse! Baby! Wait!!! *sigh*™ *pockets white torch sharply*

In Other news people, asides for OuterViews, feel free to send in your stories, articles, whatever. As long as they aren’t effective sleep inducers, they are much welcome on TSC.

Till I can successfully think up something to get you on here again, here’s a piece of advice: “Christmas is coming. You might wanna stock up on your Omo and persil. That which wasn’t possible in the summer can be possible in Winter. Amen somebody?”


29 thoughts on “OuterViews V

  1. LMFAO… Ifunanya you’re not normal. I swear, I swear… Ehen, who are Apollonia and Mary Remmy? As per winter ‘P’ , I have already ordered 2 boxes of British accent, 1 pound of Yankee accent and half a kilo of Australian. This year it’s me and those IJGBs…
    Great job Esse and Kelvin!


  2. LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!!!!! I Brayed like a donkey choking on Seaweed at —-▶ “Please note, due to the nature of this outerview, my default facial expression varied from O_O to O_o” … Good one! 😀


  3. So Ms Toronto DK got angry and her Z turned to S..
    “Tonto: You know what?! I’ve had it with you and your nonzenze and ingredientz, coming
    here, waSting my time, all the harraSSment!” Lmao .. Wonderful Job boobielicious FakeEsse


  4. LMAO, esse wont kill me! “Her head cracks open and blood, a white Blackberry torch, and many strands of Muna Obiekwe’s chest hair all spill out” 😥 😥 😥
    loved it baby.


  5. “My full name is Toronto D.K.N.Y. Because I was conceived in Toronto, and born in New York” -_____________-

    But still funny all the same. Nice one. 🙂


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