Hey Guys, welcome to this blog again. Yes i know that some of you are here because you expect to read something as brilliant as the last post, well fuck it. I couldn’t get my supplier to deliver an early pack of my good stuff, so you’re gonna bear with whatever i dish out on here. By the way, i partied hard last night and i’m not back to my right senses…or left as the case really is. *shrugs*
So, we oughta have an Outerviews post today but heck it! Y’all were too lazy to send in anything (yes. Its your fault) so, because i love you and wouldn’t wanna leave you high and dry, i have decided to come here and rant. What are we ranting about this Sunday afternoon? Good question. Waiting for an answer? Get to the end of the post.
So i was reading GQ being the gentleman i am and i stumbled across an article that really got me thinking. A lot of times, the question “what do women want?” has come up and lots of people have come up with their answers. It was one such annoying answer-article that i read that made me scream BLASPHEMY!!! and rush to type this.
I don’t know the answer to what women want perse (cos as their faces and hairstyles differ, na so dem wahala take differ) but i know what they DON’T want. Can you imagine, the article said women want a FUNNY GUY!!! I’m like KILL THE WRITER!!! If i hear that ONE MORE TIME that what a woman finds sexy in a man is his ability to make her laugh, i’ll probably start cutting off my toes with blunt scissors. What a joke! Its just not true. As a matter of fact, this is just another ploy by the womenfolk to appear deep. I’m not saying they aren’t deep o, i’m just saying…yeah you catch my drift. If this was true, do you think Woody Allen would have married his adopted daughter?
What women want is not a man that makes them laugh but a man that makes them RICH. Shikena!
No , No check it out, remember Basketmouth of those days, dude was hella funny, did any girl look at him? For where? They couldn’t see past his scrawny stick of spaghetti physique and dada hair. Fast forward to 2011, the hair is over dada now o but pepper has rested. Shey he’s married? You’re laughing? You think its a joking matter (get it? Huh? Huh?) *sigh*™ . So yeah, women want a RICH guy. Diamonds are a girl’s best friend not Nite of a thousand laughs or Witty comments. Diamonds! Look at Hugh Hefner, that dude is going to be 120 soon, don’t you wonder how come all those young, voluptuous, ravishable damsels flock around him? Do you think he’s cracking jokes? Its simple. The dude has the money to run the world if he pleases. Shey that chic took his $$$ diamond engagement ring and didn’t return it after the wedding was off. Diamonds. See?
Leave me, this shit is paining me jare. Yes e dey pain me. We will be there forming witty and making girls (and guys) laugh on Twitter, yet i can count the amount of benefits i’ve received from it (sometimes i feel like a vegetable sef). We will be there waiting for DM’s that will never come, then one GQ writer will tell me that women want FUNNY men. *spits* oloshi! ….Oh, aunty what did you say? You don’t want a Rich guy? Wow. UdonMeanIt? Okay, well your case is rare. If you don’t want a rich guy, then it must mean you want a TALL guy.
You can tell the dumbest joke the world has ever heard but if you’re 6’8, there’s a heightened possibility that you’ll have the ladies listening. This is because ladies (for some weird reason) believe that height is associated with a larger than average schlong. If you take the Wand.A.Coal case as study, you will discover that from the picture shown and based on his height, we can infer that short people have…ok, let’s not generalise. (i’m getting taller by the way). Women want a tall, RICH, good looking guy who is comfortable talking about his feelings. Ha! Guys shey you now see…Think about it. What’s the dumbest show on TV? You don’t know? Ok, i’ll save you. IMO its “Keeping up with the Kardashians”..The name alone tells you that the struggle is real. Ok now, take the Kardashians as our case study. Lets say the 3 sisters represent 3 types of ladies we have (Kourtney = fickle, Kim = Dumb but enterprising, Khloe = smart/loud broad). Now they all hook up with 3 guys (Scott, Kris Humphries, Lamar Odom) Is there any funny one among them? Ehn? NO! Any tall ones? YES. Any RICH ones? Yes. Out of the guys, who gets the most disrespect? Scott. Why? Because he isn’t TALL or too RICH. Shikena!!! I never thought i would learn anything by watching that show but there…*sips jews*
Look, a guy falls for a woman cos her bum looks nice or she has nice boobs , Megan Fox’ eyes and Angelina Jolie lips but a woman falls in love with a guy because he can recite Nite of a 1000 laughs episode 1-18? I don’t think so. If women find funny men so attractive, why did Maleke switch from comedy to music to attempted politics? The struggle is real my people. Now they say they find funny men attractive, ha! Remember when you were younger and you would make funny faces at that girl and she’ll give you that disgusted look and say “grow up, agbaya!” smh. Women don’t laugh, except they are laughing at the hole behind your trousers, your weird colour combination, or your recent Gbagaun. Women are too focussed to be laughing, this is why few women tell jokes. The ones that do look like men (i didn’t mention princess and co o…gigachic is an exception sha. That chic hawt!!) its not their fault, they just weren’t wired that way, they have an interest in shoes instead.
Based on the fact sef that women are a very ‘touchy’ bunch; you know their mind is filled with stuff that you shouldn’t make jokes about. Things like war, famine, death, poverty, paedophilia, genocide, animal cruelty, female body parts, marital fidelity, their friends, their family, Tonto’s lingua, women’s sports, old age, homelessness, disability, 2face, mental illness, foreign accents, KFC Ibadan, Festac, homosexuality, Don jazzy, female hair, cancer…i mean , what the fuck is left to be funny about? Sasha’s weight? Traffic? W-H-A-T???
So, heres the bottomline. I don’t care what you think or say. This is my blog and i’m the president of this outfit ‘TSC’. Ehen. I am a funny guy…Shut up! I may not make you fall and roll on the floor (i do that to Esse often sha), I may not have appeared on a stage and caused you to pee in your panties (really because you drank too much water sha), i may not be as cocky yet funny as Piers Morgan but i know some good jokes, i’ve got some good punchlines, puns and shit. I am all this but YET, i can count the women that have fallen for me on the fingers of one hand and still have some left to pick my nose. You know what i am? I’m a joke! I’m part of a dying breed, what do i do? Get tall? Get Rich? Or adopt a daughter?
The comment box is yours to agree, disagree or enlighten us more. The discussion continues “what do women want?”
*zooms off in discussion continues*