Hey everyone, toolsman here. Oops! Sorry. You know how these things can be. I never really perfected the art of plagiarism. I belonged to those class of people who dubbed Mat nos alongside answers. We were the guys you would tell: “Please don’t copy word for word o!” and we would say “of course not. I’m changing them”
So its Sirkastiq here and today on TSC, we shall be bringing you something distinctively different. It’s Wet Wednesday!! Applause anyone? Oh camman! And here I thought you guys would be excited with this new idea. *sigh*™ . Anyway, I know we’ve all read those sexual posts on some blogs like that, and those posts kinda make you all horny and stiff, sorry stuff. Truth is, those posts are not entirely truthful. They don’t depict the true story and how things really happen. We at TSC believe in upholding truth and integrity, hence we shall be serving you the naked truth, not snippets or convos.
* * * * *
Hotel room 330 never smelt so good. I sprayed my favorite Bvlgari on my temples and on the points I know her lips would come in contact with. The scent of a man/woman is a memory that lingers on for so long and I was hell bent on giving her memories to last a lifetime. Wait. No. memories to drive her back into my arms sooner than later. I have imagined this day for the past week,Clearing my schedule to make sure that this itch is successfully scratched. Now its here and I don’t intend to give star boy a reason to make a part 2 of his successful hit song “don’t dull”
I sit on the edge of the bed, careful not to rumple the sheets, I just want things to be picture perfect when she comes. My mind does a quick rewind to how this started. There you were seated beside me in that ‘Young shall grow’ luxurious bus. Actually ehn, I planned it. I had spotted you struggling with your Ghana must go bag as you approached the ticket terminal and the nice guy in me was moved to aid you. (Mehn that bag heavy sha, what was in it? Yam tubers?) It was only normal that I buy the seat next to yours to ensure that we sat side by side all the way to Lagos. Phone numbers exchanged, many calls later, MANY sent credit later and here we are about to Set.This.P Isn’t the lord good?
*Rewind 3 hours ago*
“Oga chemist, you get cd?”
“Bros, which one be cd again?”
“rubber naw, why you dey fall pesin hand like this?”
“Oh (laughs) bros bros! I no know say na that wan you dey talk naw. I get. Durex dey, Ruff ryder dey, koko dey, Gold cir…”
“Give me ruff ryder abeg. Two packs!”
“Bros, na im be say action don set be that. You wan shine congo abi? Bad guys”
*collects packs of condom and proceeds to hotel*
“Hi, can I see your room rates please?” *receptionist hands him list*
“hmmm..the penthouse suites go for 60k for a night? Are they vacant?”
“yes sir, we have 2 suites and they are vacant. Should I give you a tour?”
“No No. does it have a view of the Third mainland bridge?”
“No sir, it doesn’t. but..”
“No forgerrit, I like my suites overlooking the TMB, I like the adrenaline rush from the cars zooming”
*receptionist is puzzled*
“So your cheapest room is 6k ehn? How many are there?”
“we have 15 single rooms sir. And some are vacant”
“I hope the A/C and AfricaMagic is working well..”
“yes sir. Very well.”
“Ok then, I’ll manage it afterall, its just a night. Give me the 6k room”
*This present moment*
“Hey baby, just tell the receptionist room 330. Im up already”
I open the door and usher her in. Angela looks radiantly beautiful in her LBD (Little black dress morons). We both knew why we were here, we had spoken at length over the phone and she had made me tell her the things I was going to do to her, all the while engaging herself in a self pleasuring exercise. You know how nothing goes for nothing, I had gotten her to send me some nude pics of herself so that I’ll know its real. Well seeing as the pics had no face attached to it, I had to give her the benefit of doubt. Tonight though, all doubts were gonna be cleared.
Omo, bone o! I didn’t have money to buy any wine so it was straight to business sharply. “was it hard locating this place?” I asked. “No, not relly,” she said in beautiful eastern accent as she settled on the bed. I wasn’t here to eat accent so I didn’t care. (I had learnt to always ensure that if there is a chair in the room, it should have stuff on it to make sure that the only available place to sit is the bed. Thanks Noble Igwe). I moved up closely to her and ran my hands through her hair. “You are beautiful angela” I said. “Wait. Biko easy o. Charity has asked that I borrow her this brazillian when I’m done. I don’t want it to spwell before that time.” I laughed to lighten the mood. Allowing my hands slide down to her neck, I leaned in and kissed on her cheek (this always serves as a check to see whether she’s relaxed and ready, if she no resist, ogbeni carry go) My lips went lower to her neck and she arched her head back. Planting some little kisses there, I allowed my hand go lower to her hands, thankfully, her dress was sleeveless so it was easy to stroke her long arms while still kissing on her neck. I was still gently nibbling on her neck when she began to mutter some words in ibo. But I have not even started now. I stopped for a bit to be sure she wasn’t changing to some spiritual something. “why did you stop naw?” she asked. “I just wanted to be sure you’re ok.” I said.
We resumed where we left off. This time I had her lying on the bed while I took the next bold step, planting my lips on hers, playfully at first, just engaging in lip familiarity. Seeing as she had eased in to the act, I let my hands move up to her breasts. ‘mistakenly’ brushing them. No resistance. I parted her lips with expert precision and stuck my tongue in probing for treasures within. WAIT. HOLD ON. I sure as hell didn’t eat fufu today. WTF?! (what tha fufu?) Babe must have a fufu factory running in her mouth or definitely downed no less than 6 wraps before coming here. My hands were still saying hi to her breasts when my lips said goodbye to hers stylishly. I pulled away and unbuttoned my shirt. At the same time, she took off her blouse. CHINEKE!!! O_O Such magical brilliance. Like how did she do that. P.diddy’s “do it again” voice came to my mind. I mean, angela had somehow managed to remove her bra alongside the dress all in one swift movement. As if that wasn’t enough, she had also removed her Breasts. Yes. Her breasts. My mind wanted to reach for my phone and scroll to the pictures she had been sending me. What happened to those C-cups? This wasn’t allowed. This isn’t school where you work to go from a C to an A? What happened to those boobs in the pics? Where did they go? How? WHYYYYY????
I don’t know if the expression on my face was that of a lovestruck kid but she must have thought so ‘cos she pulled me head first down to her coochie. (The power of the LBD. Allowing girls do without panties since 1963) Down there, I felt like I was fighting the civil war somewhere in a Biafran bush. I expected that at some point I would hear birds chirping or stuff. I don’t know exactly what I was supposed to be doing down there (I’d understand if my teeth were clippers and she wanted a shave but..) she kept on saying “eat mey eat mey” Nigga what?! I wasn’t gonna eat anything even if my life depended on it. Heck! The Biafran zone smelt like a skunk crawled in there, farted and then died.
My world was coming to an end. This wasn’t how I expected this P to go. Maybe the eventual sex would be worth it. I endured rubbing my face around for a bit and then got up. Sliding my hands down my paynt, I worked my soldier to attention stance. I was going to make this girl pay by nacking her till she was sore. My lil man ‘nackson’ as I call him was ready to go. I parted her legs and tried to ease myself in, but the struggle was real. Angela was dryer than my attempted jokes on Twitter. There’s nothing a little KY jelly can’t fix. I rubbed some on her, making sure my nose went nowhere near there. Ok, we’re good to go. Attemped entry no 2..the tip went in and then all I heard was KPAKAM!!! It had happened o! I had never seen nackson so limp in all my life. He was bent at an awkward angle and the pain coursing through my borry was hellish. Shit. My guy was broken. Issalie.
I writhed in pain while Angela put on her clothes. “Your a disgrace oh! Ordinary fork you cannot fork. And later you pipo will be forming bad ass. Nna biko, n’yem cab fare lemme go home.” I pointed to my pants on the floor and Angela had no problems locating the N2000 naira left there.
As I lay in pain, I remembered the words of the chemist. “…you wan shine congo abi?”
Well there you have it guys. This is NOT a true story and it did NOT happen to me. I have only shared the truth. Now we know that these things happen but we all pretend and act like we are Antonio Banderas and she’s Angelina Jolie in “Original Sin” pls sit. Fell free to share some of your embarrassing experiences in the comments section. Emmm..you can use ‘anonymous’ to protect your rep (people like SheriphSkills, MrOmidiran, ChinnyDiva, VicKalu etc)
*crawling off floor to go soak in a bath* *sigh*™