Don’t even start asking where we’ve been that we haven’t posted in eons. You don’t know my struggles on the daily. You don’t know what it feels like to see your beloved walk out of your life. You don’t know the heartbreak that accompanies parting with your best friend, so don’t ask me shit. Direct your questions to @Cumical and @TheGreyGenesis, I’m pretty sure they’ll have answers to give you. Right now, I’m just an entire mess.
Have you ever been so shattered that nothing makes sense? Ever been so heartbroken, you just want to take that Brandy CD and snap it in half just so you can feel some sort of fulfilment? Have you? Have you? No? Fuck you and your almost perfect life.
Everyone deserves to be heartbroken at least once in their life. Some of you are such punks, you deserve it on the regular but yeah whatever. I’m down guys, I’m shattered. This pain is so surreal, this must be what it feels like to be in close proximity when Tonto is in a studio. You know how it feels when you’re in pain caused by love and your stupid-friends-that-dont-know-how-to-sympathise tell you “it’s going to be fine?” They tell you shit like “you’ll find someone better”, “(s)he wasn’t good for you anyway”
When were you going to inform me about this earth shattering discovery of yours? Why did you have to wait before my earth shattered before telling me? You know what, those friends? You should rip out their eyebrows while they sleep and pour pepper in the exposed pores.
So in my state of despair (not Ekiti) I decided to engage myself in reading, and stumbled on this blog link that talks about “7 things you should not do after a breakup” You can view that here: So yeah, you might want to read that and return to read my opinion on the listed points.
Go and read it.
I said GO AWAY!!!
See that you’re exhibiting ape behaviour now?
Anyway their points are numbered and my remarks follow:
- Do not try to remain friends: This is rubbish. Look, you have to remain friends with your ex(es) so you can rub pepper in their eyes when baba God decides to butter your bread again. People be telling you to ‘cut all ties’ like ties aren’t expensive enough. What is the use of entering another relationship if it’s not to make your ex jealous? This is why I tell people that your next has to be better than your ex. Even if you have to photoshop her and flter her physical existence, just make sure she’s all that and more. So yes, remain friends.
- Do not stalk them on Twitter/Facebook/Social Media: Can you imagine? How else will you know when there’s a new girl or guy? How would you know when he’s subbing the shit out of you. Listen, you MUST follow your exes, if they block you, open an account that can’t be traced to you and keep following, Do they think they can just walk out of your life like that? You have to monitor their facebook relationship status so that when it changes to “in a relationship,” you can save the date and devise a tentative 10 day plan to fuck that shit up. Follow them on InstaGram…when they put up a picture, put up an entire story of the history of that event. Yes.
- Do not turn to alcohol: LOOOOOL Jokers. So alcohol was created for good times? Nigga please, there’s nothing sweet about alcohol because that my nigga was created for bitter times. Please tell me what better bitter time exists aside when your heart is being placed in a mortar and pestled to crayfish like fineness? My guy, drink till you lose focus, till you yo, till you can drink no more. Uncle Jack died so you might drink…and drink more abundantly.
- Do not go on the hunt for someone else: hahaha…you think the lion hunts down the antelopes? Nah son, the antelope just wandered into the path of the lion and triggered a ‘catch me if you can’ clause, so yeah since the lion is royalty and a good sport, he only decided to indulge. C’est fini
- Do not believe you will always be like this: Listen my child and hearken to wisdom; ever heard of ‘forever alone?’ Do you think it’s some myth that some people just thought up? You’re doomed when your heart is broken. Your entire life is gone. Have you seen a heart that was put together after it broke? I will slap you if you quote any song for me. You are finished, dead, buried. Celine Dion sang “her heart will go on” Did you notice that her career started dying after that? Better believe and behave.
- Do not contact your ex for any reason: Oh Oh, so the money I was owed should just vanish into thin air? God forbid. Not only should you contact them, make sure you flash all the time, send them broadcasts with fancy characters every day except on Tuesdays (I don’t know why I said tuesday), sub them on twitter, tweet at then, tag them in every stupid photo on facebook, make sure they know you still exist. It’s only normal. Send them birthday messages, celebrate special days like Thursdays just because it is the day before Friday. Yes.
- Don’t let yourself go: So what the article is basically saying is that most of you are fat because your heart was broken. Also if you go about looking like a drug overdosed version of black face then your heart was also broken. What do they mean “don’t let yourself go?” How else will the world know you’re hurting? My nigga DO NOT SHAVE! Yes, I’m referring to your face and those places where the sun don’t shine. I know this kinda means most Igbo women are heartbroken but they’ll be fine.
Sigh..I’m just sad guys. I’m sorry but I needed to let this rant out. When the one you love suddenly leaves you, there’s a void that nothing can fill. Not food, not thrashing people in FIFA13, not alcohol, nothing. This life is just *insert your favourite This Life statement here*
I miss you Ella…Hurry back from your vet training.