Life in the Fart lane

TSC Random Fact: The guy in the “Honeywell Noodles” advert has not known real love and societal acceptance since he appeared on that ad. This is in spite of his dedicated effort to conceal his identity with glasses and a hat. Brethren, Aliens really live amongst us.

We can still recognise you xzewthiys
We can still recognise you xzewthiys

Moving on…

Today’s Post is one of those I-didn’t-mean-to-write-anything typa posts that just hit you randomly. You know those kinda posts that develop while you’re taking a shit or picking beans (as @TheGreyGenesis often experiences). This isn’t my story yeah but I enjoyed it so much, I just had to share.

Don’t be an idiot, ok? Read and enjoy as written by @The_Daywalker_ (Based on real life events)

*****

I have this sudden urge to fart. Not one of those ‘silent but violent’ types, nah son ‘loud and proud’ is the only way I know. Sadly I cannot.

8017953345_eb8692cf34_z

I am currently at the gym bench pressing about 80kg or thereabouts (ask not how I’m typing this shit at this same time, have you not heard of multi-tasking?) and I really had to dig deep and push through the last few reps. Usually I’d have had no problem farting through the pain but there’s a slight problem you see…probably two.

One. I’m the only guy with about 12 women in this gym, there’s no way they’re not gonna figure out that it’s me.

Two, women have no sense of humour when it comes to such things. They’ll be turning away in disgust and shit like their farts aren’t louder than vuvuzela’s.

Ain’t nobody got time for that shit. (pun not exactly intended)

Niggas will laugh at you and move on. They’ll be like “hahaha, na only 80kg dey make u mess…hahaha, ode”. They’ll then hit you so hard on the back and there and then you’ll test how well you’re familiar with Kegel exercises. Fam, at the impact, you’ll feel the fart about to announce itself but as a G, you just gotta clench them butt cheeks tighter than 50 cents wired jaw. You gotta hold that shit in longer than Mandiba’s incarceration…

*sigh*

I’m just tryna get that Insanity effect going on here…

Vh-154952043400237406_VGiIMKwC_c

This is one of the reasons I have decided that gyms should be gender exclusive(?). Nigga’s should have their own gyms free of non-farting hotties.  I mean, I grew up believing beauties don’t fart. Stop for a moment and try Imagine Beyonce farting? camman, no such foul stench emanates from her nether regions. Beyonce only releases eco-friendly, bio-aiding scents that causes flowers to blossom and butterflies sing. Now replace Beyonce with Wendy williams (lets ignore the fact that he’s really a man), It is almost impossible for Wendy to fart gas, nah her releases are the sample specimens for Timberland’s beats.

What? You think it’s funny? You think it’s not enough reason to segregate fitness facilities based on gender? Oh shut up. I’ve got more.

Have you ever been concentrating on your run on the treadmill. Trying to ignore the burning in your calves and the pain in your chest when suddenly you look at the beautiful pair of D-cups bouncing joyfully beside and (almost) fall off? No? Well fuck you. You weren’t running fast enough.

These women are evil. They come wearing tights and sports bras and shit and expect us to focus. What the fuck?

bryant-gym-meme-generator-complains-about-being-stared-at-bitch-knows-exactly-what-shes-doing-55df8e

Amean, can’t a nigga work out without almost dropping weights on his chest or get hit in the face by the punching bag due to distraction?

I’m tryna just get my six pack so I can go topless at the next TNC pool party not look for reasons to leave my girlfriend.  These women at gyms are just evil. Pure, adulterated, contaminated beings of evil. See, It’s not like I’m not focussed on my goal, It’s just that this oneis here beside me panting and her jugs wanna fly out of her sports bra. I’m racing on my treadmill tryna ensure that if they do fly out, I can rescue them and save her? Isn’t this the dream MLK died for?

The outline of sweat on her even makes it harder, Dear God, is her ass really this taut? Oh what i’ll give to be the sweat drop cascading down that clavicle into the deep, inner crevices beneath thine bra..

I don't care. She's gyming something. idc idc
I don’t care. She’s gyming something. idc idc

OH SHIT! FOCUS!!!

Is this a fart coming, or is this the real shit?

Now this imbecile is doing lunges in front of me while I’m tryna type this shit. Well fuck her, I shall not be moved. Oh wait…did she just…? Oh wow? No she didn’t…Dear God…WTF?

yoga-fart

Out.

@The_Daywalker_

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19 thoughts on “Life in the Fart lane

  1. I tot i was having a bad day bt TSC 2 d rescue. D tot of beyonce farting got me in stitches n i’m sure it will stink so bad, u’d b lookn around 4 dame jonathan or princess!
    @ Daywalker, fart caller, hilarious piece!

    Like

  2. So wait…

    What’s wrong if she mess?!
    Ehn..
    Cos you cannot mess doesn’t mean she cannot mess nah.

    He who does not mess let him cast the first stone.

    BUhahahahhhhahaha

    Larry Sushey.

    Like

  3. LMAO!!!!!!!
    I just remembered a boy back then in JS2, during maths class….he wanted to release a “silent killer” but the fart came out louder than the school bell. He wasn’t allowed in maths classes for a week.

    Like

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