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There is this plant that grows in superfluous amounts in the Caribbean. This plant has been said to make your hair grow longer, your brain cells work faster, your senses much sharper, your jokes a lot funnier (to you, and other people who consume the plant) and will probably be the reason there will ever be peace in the Middle East.
This post is an Ode to this plant. To the millions of plant cells that have been cut up, mashed, processed, and set on fire for the greater good, this post is a dedication.
So I recently sat in the comfort of my personal space and burned one of these plants. A few minutes later and I saw Buddha and he revealed to me some secrets all ye earthlings have no idea of.
No really guys, I saw Buddha. I took a picture.
You know how Kid Cudi is the new Neil Armstrong (RIP) and Lil’ Wayne is a Marsian, well that’s what it does. You leave earth. And you’re in space. Anyway there I got to see a giant size Buddha. He’s big y’all, mighty big. Apparently he is too heavy to defy gravity and he resides in the heavens.
We got talking about the weather; we drank tea and ate crumpets like them Brits. We chatted for long. Talked about the Olympics, politics and girls. I mean the guy is a fucking genius. The only thing he wouldn’t talk about was music, cos that YOLO stuff has been everywhere, fucking with his beliefs. You know Buddhists live many times.
When night fell, we went to a dark alley to go burn unwanted plants. It was some real good weed.
Burned plants in my high. High within a high. Inception.
So we got to smoking some real weed from Jamaica, the same thing Bolt and Blake takes. It’s exclusive to people whose name starts with ‘B’. True story.
If you think I’m lying then why is it that Buddha (the enlightened one) changed his name from Siddhartha? Also why do Usain and Yohan prefer to go by their ‘B’ names: Bolt (the fast one) and Blake (the famzing one)? I believe you have realized the truth.
I didn’t get to smoke the weed under my legal name so for the purpose of this story my name will be Bill.
So I took about 2 long and deep smokes before I got inebriated. Buddha went on to finish the 3meter roll; he took 5 and got madly stoned cos he was like a statue and what not. He began to tell me deep stuff about his past. How he was so awesome Kanye used to send him fanmail.
Yeah, Buddha old and dead now. Hip back in the day.
Don’t be asking me questions of how I can talk to him because ‘em questions teeter on the verge of fatuity and injudiciousness, they are preposterous, contemptible and out of sheer jealousy. They end up being cumbersome and raid the mind of sanity, deserting you with poppycock thoughts and these things are not salubrious for your health.
Now that I have said a full load of jargon to evade the question, we can move on.
So he began to tell me about the bitch niggars of our present time but the one that shocked me the most was Santi Ho, Buddha preferred we call him a cunt most of you know this cunt as Santa Claus and real Gs know him as Fada Krismas cos we ghetto.
I will be revealing this truth to you as Buddha did. This is the actual recording of what happened (the words of Buddha in italics. For obvious reasons, won’t be in red.)
Buddha: Bill do you believe in Santa?
Me: Ermm.. No, why are you asking?
Buddha: You know that guy is a fucking pedophile, bloody cunt.
I’m initially shocked at Buddha’s fluency in French but I’m like what the hell, so I ask “How so?”
Buddha: Think of these things:
First off, who the fuck keeps a naughty list? I mean it’s just bizarre for him to want to know the naughty kids. Some legends say he keeps a ‘Nice kids’ list but see that’s so he can weed them out. It’s almost like something out of ‘em adult films. The kid be shouting “I’m naughty” and he be asking “who’s your daddy” as he kpanshes them and the kid be like “You are the FATHHERR Christmas!” By the time he through with them, they be so knocked that they forgot what happened the previous night.
I still maintain my irked mien but this time it is splattered with puzzlement. My expression is almost as if I have a running stomach at an all you can eat buffet. I scrutinize Buddha from head to toe and listen some more.
Also, why does he sneak into houses via the chimney? I mean, THE CHIMNEY! For fucksake. Symbolic for, “I like to get on top and slide in”. He don’t want nobody tryna alert the popo by trying to break through the front entrance. So he got himself some red LED and pasted it on Rudolph’s nose.
You might not understand the full extent of his crimes in this part of the world ‘cause y’all don’t have fucking chimneys. Y’all have backyards, and if you had fine children you would be afraid of this shit too.
At this point in time I begin to see Buddha’s logic and I’m simply amazed by his sheer astute perspicuity of reality and then he continues.
Buddha: What’s the cunt’s favorite phrase?
I hesitate a bit before I say “Ho ho ho.” As soon as the words leave my mouth understanding dawned upon me then I uttered a realizing “Ooh.”
Buddha: I see that you are beginning to reason with me. Even though sometimes I think he was referring to the Kardashians, it’s so annoying that people have no idea of his practices despite the subliminal.
Whenever he sees the little children he has kpanshed over and over again and just because he don’t remember their names he be calling them hoes, hopefully they answer and come for more of the shrivelled koboko. He gets them to give him lap time like premature strippers. Fucking pedophile. And when he eventually gets hard, the many layers of clothing he wears helps to cover the erection.
He pauses for a moment, hits a blunt, releases smoke through his ears and says a bunch of expletives I’m not allowed to say, meanwhile I’m still awed by his inspiring wisdom and then he continues.
Buddha: What is so annoying is that adults have no idea about this and funny enough they were once kpanshed by this monster.
Me: How does he do it?
Buddha: Well, it’s simple. He has a brainwashing mechanism. When children begin to enter their teenage years their parents begin to acquaint them with reality telling them that Santa and all the other fairy tales are fictitious. The children find it hard to believe that all the nasty things that Santa did to them was just an imagination and they become a pain in the ass of the parent.
And that right there son, explains the rebellious character of adolescent children.
I was now in an overwhelming shock that my mouth was slightly ajar before I muttered “Double ingenuity.” He didn’t seem to hear what I said and then he said.
It annoys me to bits that you guys will be using the greatest subliminal of all time on yourselves. I mean the old faggot has infected y’all that you utter the words ‘Have a merry Christmas’ inconsequentially whereas it simply means ‘Have a gay Christmas.’
As at that moment I begin to clap ebulliently at the same time rheum came out from all my facial orifices. I don’t know why. Maybe it was because of his pure ingenuity or maybe it was the weed. He is an absolute titan in every right and definitely not a man of his time. Despite being stoned I see why it is that he has his own religion. Out of absolute euphoria, I ask him the most rhetoric question ever.
“Who gave birth to you?” And Buddha being his logical self responded, “My mother of course.”
We shared a few more laughs before we departed. I managed to get his BB pin, it was engraved on his leg. It read: 483BCE01. But now that I am all clear headed, I think it was the time of his death.
Presently, I have doubts of the authenticity and originality of our meeting. The conversation seems rather incoherent and outlandish. I’m beginning to think that it was the weed that made this conversation brilliant as at that time but then again, Buddha is a non-lying smart-ass so maybe my memory of how this conversation ensued is a tad distorted.
I need you to clarify these things.
1. I’m not under the influence of any volatile narcotic.
2. I’m not a liar.
3. My sanity is still intact. I hope.
4. I actually met, talked and smoked withBuddha.
5. Santa is just a warped ho.
Lastly, Bill wrote this shit. Take it up with him.
DISCLAIMER: The post you are about to read contains images of Violence, Nudity and Strong Language (fucking ignore that I know strong language is not an image but you did see what I did here, didn’t you? aha!)..Oh wait! You’ve read the post already? Ok.
*coughs* The TSC crew would like to apologise for the Graphic Images displayed in this post. We would also like to state that the views here are those of the writer and not the beliefs of the TSC Team, We also might or might not have edited some more volatile shit out of this post. (You should sha be careful of the red cloaked, bearded nigga tho). However, do direct your concerns , reservations and what not to the Comment box where we may or may not respond.
Editing of this post was not done by @Terdoh and the pictures are definitely not @Sirkastiq’s or @TheGreyGenesis’ doing. ShoutOut to @yemijohnson for a great piece.
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Merry Christmas in advance.