There comes a time in every man’s life where he has to start a speech with “There comes a time in every man’s life…” This is not that time, but it’s always good to start writing stuff with stuff.
You know what I mean right?
I have discovered that my worst posts come at times when I have absolutely nothing to say. Yes, this actually is one of those times. I’m just going to write whatever comes to my head today. Don’t expect anything deep. I’m simply opening my mind to you.
I figured I haven’t passed across any message all my writing days, so…why start now muh fucker?
Imma probably retire this way. With a cat and all my posts in a bottle.
First off, old English is always cool yo! Always. And adding ‘eth’ to every word just bringeth forth the sexiness. Have you ever gone all Shakespeare/King Arthur on your girlfriend pre- coitus? Like “Greetings lassie. How fareth ye? Will you be so kind as to suck on the Royal Penis till I spill forth and overflow and exclaim in contentment?”
I guarantee you she will do as you say.
Be spontaneous guys, you don’t need me giving you relationship advice.
Another thing that has come to my attention is the fact that girls women have begun to wear bra sizes that are one size too tight when they’re going to set P. I don’t know if this is supposed to make your boobs look bigger when the dude takes off your top. You guys know you’re cutting off blood supply to the nipples right? Your areolas can’t think straight at this rate.
This isn’t new though, because Ariel wore seashells for bras even though her cup size was a D-Shell… And don’t ask me how I know about this fad. I’m married and faithful. Fuck all of you.
Since I still have not thought up something to say, I might as well go on spewing crap. I mean, someone sat down and ‘wrote’ 200 blank pages and now has female fans all over the world looking for their very own Christian Grey. So I bet I could do this shit and pull it off.
I’m going to be famous.
Did you guys know that Michelangelo, Fleming, Einstein and Tesla were all ambidextrous? Even my very own
Benjamin Franklin was ambidextrous. How amazing is that shit? Being able to masturbate effectively with both hands? Freaking awesome!
I want to be ambidextrous when I grow up.
So I watched the entire Twilight Series again. (How do I defend this to my G’s on the street? Wait…wait. My laptop was formatted and there was absolutely nothing on it apart from the Twilight Series which my kid sister had put on it the night before without my knowledge, and the batteries on all my other devices were dead)
Yeah… That’s my story and I’m sticking to it like Velcro.
So I watched the entire Twilight series (still better than reading 200 blank pages of ‘porn’50 Shades of Gay), and I have come to one very outrageous, but completely logical conclusion about the whole story.
Isabella Swan is a lesbian.
There’s no other way to explain why she’s dating that Glow-In-The-Sun, sparkle-like-a-greeting-card bitch when it is so obvious ‘he’ owns a gaping vagina. Yes, she is attracted to women. That has to be it.
I expect my Nobel Prize in Applied Logic please. Thank you.
Just writing out loud okay, but after watching The Dark Knight Rises for the fifth time, I feel bad for only one person.
Not because he was ‘finished off’ by Catwoman (of all people) sorry for the spoiler if you haven’t watched it but because he was completely friendzoned by Ra’s AlGhul’s daughter, Talia. And do you know why?
Because he couldn’t give her a blowjob no matter how hard he tried.
Ain’t that a bitch?
Nigga is struggling for breath, for his very life and you punish him for that? Bitches be crazy yo… She deserved to die.
Speaking of things I noticed, after watching Avengers, I went and got the first two Iron Man movies, and do you know what stood out to me after seeing TonyStark in a suit?
Iron Man takes the ballerina pose when he hovers. For real, arms at waist, palms perpendicular to the body, one foot slightly raised above the other… Same thing with Superman… You couldn’t be more gay. Except you are Edward…
I should end this post, you’re probably getting bored. This is the part where I try to be inspirational and say some really good stuff that will leave you thinking for the rest of the day and coming to the conclusion about how much of a genius I am…
Don’t forget to follow @TheSarcasticCtr and also to put your e-mail addresses to good use and Nominate This Blog…
Peace to the Middle East.