The post you are about to read is completely fictional. Any semblance to real life characters and/or situations is purely coincidental and by mistake. The owners of this blog will like to state that they have the legal backing of the over 50 just graduated students of the NLS association of Twitter and so consideration should be considered before any legal action is considered.
Having said that, Welcome to OuterViews.
*Camera zooms in to Host, Newsroom style* In 5, 4, 3…
“Welcome to Outerviews, Indeed it has been a while. This is largely because we were restructuring and needed to restructure. Anyway, we are back now and we have a special to bring your way. Today, we shall be discussing the case of the missing iPad and to do justice to that, we have the victim and the suspect” (V and S)
*Camera zooms into Victim, wearing an “Occupy something” Tee shirt. Victim’s face seems stronger than the Hulk’s while taking a shit*
*Camera zooms into Suspect, wearing…aviator shades*
“Welcome guys, Mr Victim, can you please brief us on your grievances and what not?”
V: “Thank you so very much, Let me start with an Introduction: In the land of many victims, the man who dare the oppressor is seen to be mad. I am mad, but my friends and followers call me bobojuwa. My grievances are tied to the fact that i have been iPadless since the 16th of June 2012. Let me help you understand that I am a man of no nonsense and as such I take no nonsense.
“*snickers* obviously…Can you tell us how you became iPadless dear Sir?”
V: “Thank you very much. You see, I took a flight from Abuja to Lagos and just as we were approaching the tarmac for landing, the on-board voice told us to buckle up and all. You see before then, I was checking out some recently saved Twitter avatars on the iPad and was pretty excited as they were quite ravishing and I was on my way to meet some of them and set that P. I must let you know I’m quite a celeb on the Twi with about 38,000 followers…”
“And you didn’t buy any of these followers Sir?”
V: “Thank you very much. Buy? No way! I worked hard to earn every single one of them. I am also a Twitter activist by hustle, My reputation has been built overtime. Where were you when we started the “Occupy Nigeria” Internet revolution? I single handed spearheaded that campaign even putting my neck on the line. Ahmean…I was sending Broadcasts, giving updates, claiming arrests here and there,anyway, so yes.. back to my iPad”
I leaned over and placed the iPad in the sidepocket of the seat as we prepared to land, I then closed my eyes to picture how i was going to knack the akpako when i meet these twitter girls. There was a smile on my face, I can remember as i saw in my mind’s eye the spanking, the thrusti…”
“Erm, Can you please focus on the iPad pls sir?”
V: “Thank you. So we landed and as we began to embark, My mind was fixated on who lay ahead. Choi! World class knacks yo. I got off the airline wondering why no one had come to usher me into a waiting rental limo, being a celeb and all. I was really depressed, no one flashing boobies either, no paparazzi, Which kain life? So I trudged over to the Taxi point and boarded a Taxi”
“It must have been a harsh blow Sir, to realize that your Online popularity did not transcend to the celeb status you assumed you had”
V: “Thank…Wait! What? Assumed ke?! It’s not your fault o. But you’re not lying sha, it pained me. So while i was in the Taxi, i thought about my life and where it was heading, Am i going to continue like this? When will people take me serious? How do I actually become a real life Celeb? I tried to distract myself as answers were not forthcoming so I reached into my man bag to please myself a bit before the P setting time and GHEUN! No iPad!! I dug deeper, maybe it had slid to the side; GHEUN! GHEUN!!!” No iPad!!! A smile played across my face as the Lord dropped an answer in my heart…”
“At this point, let us switch over and hear from the suspect. Sir, Your company has been fingered as the culprit in this matter of the missing iPad. What say you?”
S: “As a company that has been in business, for a long while and with staff that are paid well and taught the tenets of their job, I can state categorically that we did NOT take this man’s iPad. Why would we want to? Does it contain Kim Kardashians nudies in 3D? Does it have the Nuclear codes to destroy the world? Or does it contain the Date and Time of the World’s end? I do not know and really do not care. Even if it has Vic-O’s reset button, We still wouldn’t…em well, we might but my point is, we didn’t take his iPad”
“Have there been any moves to settle this situation to prevent any defamation and such?”
V: “Thank you. You see, when I was in the cab and I realised that I had forgotten my ipad in the airplane (Please ignore the fact that I forgot it by myself and by my own carelessness) I decided to make the most of it (also ignore the fact that I was at Allen Avenue (about 15minutes from the airport) when I had this epiphany) So I went back and one guy told me that they had put the ipad in my bag. (please ignore also the fact that I was foolish enough to believe him without asking how they knew it was my bag or my ipad). Sha sha, long story short, I did not see my ipad and I decided to make the most of it.
This was my chance, if I do this right, my Online celeb status shall be transformed to real life. Heck! I could become like Mr Fix TheNation and maybe become the Special Adviser to the President or Minister on missing items. So yes, the company contacted me and even offered me a compensation package that included me not revealing the contents of the compensation package, so don’t ask.
S: “An iPad is never a problem. We offered a package to avoid this becoming an Issue but Oga here seemed too strong headed and stubborn”
V: “Your father is the one that has strong head! Do you know how your company ruined my P setting plans and deflated my ego (that’s what I call my penis btw) Don’t tell me about strong head here. Whaddoyou know? Demmit!”
I shall fight this cause with all I have, I have filed complaint, printed shirts, even started a trend on Twitter (shit, I should add this to my bio) #****WhereIsMyIpad Because of me people are now aware that your company is responsible for any missing items. It doesn’t matter if it’s your brain, your heart or your Indomie seasoning. Anything that misses is your company’s fault. I shall not rest till my name is on every newspaper. I mean, I was pissed when I heard about the closure of this company some days ago, I wondered why I wasn’t credited because it was ME that was responsible for that. By my power, I single handedly shut down their operations and no credit was given to me. Not MTN, Not glo..NOTHING!!!
S: “This guy you really are suffering from grand delusions of grandeur…all this because you want to be a real life celeb?”
V: “Ya a bladdy nincompoopian vertebrate! Because you people have money, you want to ride on me abi? Ya mad. I’m suing for N50million damages, then I will buy my own jet and use it to jam your own in the sky. We will meet.”
“N50million for an iPad?” *gasp*
V: “Ehen?! For all the days I couldn’t set P and enlarge avatars with the iPad, I couldn’t even Instagram. I also lost followers because they didn’t see “…via Twitter for iPad” which we the celebs use. All these damages…oh plus the cost of printing T-shirts, and cost of buying back followers etc. You people think ees beans abi? The story of my ipad has since become the story of a generation’s quest for justice and justice or nothing. I shall pursue it to the end. No retreat no Surrender. The quest for celebritism is real. Next step is Twitter Verification.
S: “I give up with this guy mehn…”
V: “* Twitter notification beep* Who is this Madame Koi Koi that is mentioning me now? *checks profile* Ah! she has links with wakanow, maybe if I vex her too,her company will..Dear God, another epiphany…”
And there you have it guys, We at TSC don’t know what to make of this situation. We have decided to sit on the fence and watch this event unfold. We would like to thank our guests for stopping by and of course Thank you for reading. *pulls ear* We repeat that any semblance to real life events are completely co-incidental. Ehen!
Remember, we have the backing of the newly graduated NLS Lawyers on Twitter. Do NOT mess with us.
For Security reasons, Not because we are scared or anything like that, the Identity of this writer has been kept secret. TF are we deceiving?