How not to…

Yo! *throws gangster signs* actually, it’s really the peace sign upside down, yeah you know, the ‘n’ sign. it means “whats up my nigga?” What? it is what i say it is. Dont come all up on TSC and be questioning my authority. who the hell do you think you are? *calms down* Anyway, like i said, it’s a month of guest features, Today, i introduce a new category. Sha read it and you’ll understand it. i don’t have time to explain anything.

Let’s give a sarcastic welcome to @Salliness

———————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————–

I saw a tweet from one of my most favourite persons, asking if some people actually need to be sent a memo on how not to be stupid and boy I’ve asked myself the same question over and over ’cause the way people go on with their life you’d think they actually needed it. Then again, if a memo of that sort was to be sent out, how would it read? Anyway, yours faithfully took it upon her to try to actually write one because first of all, I think I’m not stupid. So that should qualify me well enough as to write a memo of this nature, but hey my level of stupidity is not in contest so there you go

*editor’s note* A memo on how not to be stupid can only be written by one who has previous experience and unchallenged expertise on the subject. We shall not contradict your memo. We however believe you are DEFINITELY qualified to teach us. You may proceed o ye stupid one…

FROM: Me (@Salliness)

TO: The world

DATE: Forever

SUBJECT: HOW NOT TO BE STUPID

Well, you can if you really want to...

  • Google is your friend.

Seriously if you don’t know something, Google it. If you are not sure of anything; Google it! If you don’t have internet connection around you, phone a friend. Never, ever exhibit your ignorance in public. You are allowed to contribute when there is a discussion going on, however do not go around saying stuff like “so Beyonce named her baby Blue Ivy Carter. I thought JayZ was beefing Lil Wayne.”

*editor’s note* so he isn’t beefing Lil Wayne? I’m sorry if i sound stupid though but how does…you know what, forget it. Let me just Google.

Google can be an ass sometimes tho...

 

  • There is no Pulitzer or Nobel Prize for Stupidity.

Hell, I had to Google this just to be sure. You can not be going around displaying stupidity if there isn’t a prize for it or at least a proper record of it for posterity sake. So best be aware that if you are actually trying to be stupid you are not in contest with anyone. You’ll only end up making a fool of yourself. Carry on.

Dear writer, Y U NO Google well?

*editor’s note* I beg to differ here. There are various prizes for stupidity. How can you say it isn’t a contest? You think Mr Ibu just enjoys fooling himself for free? His prize? His pay-check…Nowadays sef, i think a certain GEJ is in contest with him on “So you think you are stupid?”

Oh and in addition to those two, there are these other two ‘humans’ who amuse me with the depth of their shallowness on your TL’s. They aren’t on mine because they’ve been blocked and muted in every way possible. Abeg lemme not get carried away, theirs is a rant for another day. Carry on…

  • You are not OBLIGATED to resend every message.

Pardon me, but I just had to re-iterate this. Although it’s actually painful that as over flogged as this issue has been we still find these people among us just like the Bible said about the poor. Do you read or listen to obituaries? Cause of death still carries stuff like ‘died after a brief illness’ ‘or died in an accident’ you know, shit like that. Nobody has ever died from not rebroadcasting a message. I hear its now on instagram as well. I’m really not surprised. Hell, I saw it on my office intranet the other day so I guess like the poor we will always find them among us. *sigh*

*editor’s note* WHAT?? They now broadcast messages on Instagram? Muahahaha…and here i was still recovering from the proliferation of WhatsApp by these broadcast infidels. Noooo. There’s nowhere to run or hide anymore. I guess we should all accept our fate, hold hands and sing kumbaya.

PS: Are you saying broadcasters are poor?

  • The ‘Zipper’ hair-do.

Like lace wig wasn’t bad enough, someone had to come up with putting zippers on the hair? The first time I saw that shit was in November last year when I went to pick up my NYSC call up letter from school. I just thought hey, this is Benin; these girls have been colour blocking and rocking bleached stretch marks since 1978 so they have to always come up with something more stupid to keep up with their reputation. Then I got to camp (Lagos; mind you) and I saw a girl carrying it (no, not the same girl from Benin) and then another girl and yet another. Let’s just say that the sight of each of those girls with that hairstyle scarred me deeper.

See why i said we should sing Kumbaya? Kill me already!!!

You will NEVER be taken seriously if you carry that hair and in the next 5 years when I become a billionaire and an employer of labour (in plain terms ‘a bawse’) I hope those girls never come to me for a job interview. Yes sir, the stupidity that (wo) men do, lives (sp?) with them.

*editor’s note* NO, NO, NO!!! You did not just go H.A.M on my Benin ladies. What? “…come up with something more stupid to keep up with their reputation?” I’ll have you know that Benin people are the most travelled and if they start a trend, you might as well accept it ‘cos they know wassup yo. And hey Miss lecturer, imma let you finish but wharrahell is “carry that hair” you see why i said your experience on this topic is priceless? You are even giving us practical examples…sorry #AsyouWere…

  • Nollywood films starring Tonto Dike and/or Muna Obiekwe.

It’s as explanatory as it sounds; don’t ever watch a Tonto Dike and/or a Muna Obiekwe ‘feem’. Period. It has been statistically proven, with econometric tools, to have the capability of reducing your IQ to a negative value. Remember Black Berry Babes? Yeah I tried to watch it and couldn’t make past 10 minutes. I’m allergic to stupidity like that.

*editors note* I watch not Nollywood films, so i know not of what you speak. No editor’s note here. Move on…

  • The walk of shame.

When you find yourself going against any of the mentioned rules to guide you against stupidity, rather than try to defend yourself [thereby increasing the awkwardness of your situation] please do us all a favour and take a walk of shame. For the benefit of any one who does not know how to do so, acquaint yourself by following the steps below;

1. Bow your head

2. Plaster a sheepish grin on your face

3. With your hands raised above your head

4. Run like hell.

Please be guided.

*editor’s note* Let’s just be honest and say she didn’t know how to end this piece. Yes yes, i know some of you are like “err ok. is she calling US stupid?” what can i say? Game recognises game yeah? Lol…

So yeah, this is sorta new (but it may never feature again) category where you send me your post/articles and i attempt to literally tear it to shreds with stupid editor notes just because i can. My aim is to make you look erm..bad. Not bad as in “guy you too bad kinda bad” but bad as in Victor Ikpeba’s “shhh” factor bad.

So if you’re up to it, the email addy remains mrkelvinis@gmail.com

piss out.

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15 thoughts on “How not to…

  1. Sweet, Precious Jesus. WHAT is that hair that’s like a bag full of money? O_O

    WHY???

    I can understand Brazilian hair. Its sexy. But wat is the purpose of this??? O_O

    Like

  2. That zipper hairstyle is eternally stupid. So your head is a literal moneybag ba? And what happens when we take the money out?

    Kel, you want to make me look bad ba? I no dey write again.

    Beautiful piece Sally. Didn’t know you could write.

    Like

  3. I’m sorry but who told you there is no award for stupidity?

    Every year, the Darwin awards (http://www.darwinawards.com/) are given (posthumously of course) to celebrate those who have given their lives for the glory of stupidity. Do not be so neglecting of their sacrifices.

    (I’m sure you can figure out why they are called the Darwin awards. Else, Google it) 🙂

    Like

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