OuterViews VI

I wanted to write an intro here but I couldn’t think of anything funny enough so I’m just gonna skip the intro and allow y’all read the post.

By @JussBasco

Welcome to the TSC studios once again, it’s a lovely day but for some “unknown” reason(s) the atmosphere in here seems to be down caste.

I am Basco; your host for today and I’m glad to finally get a chance to work with humans; let’s hope this goes well.

Anyways without wasting money(what y’all refer to as time)let’s invite our guest to the stage *round of applause*. *spotlight aims way too high from the side* Mr. Osita ihemen a.k.a. “Paw-Paw”

Paw-Paw: *Thick igbo accent* thank you vely much Mr.Basco, I’m vely pleased to be here before you and all my fans.

Basco: hmmmm, I see. So let’s get this show on the road, shall we? Please describe yourself briefly.

Paw-Paw: what? Are you trying to be funny? Do you know how often people tell smart jokes about my height? You,my friend are vely stale.

Basco: I’m sorry, what? What are you on about? Please don’t try me as I have a very short temper. Just answer my question and save us all this short-lived drama.

Paw-Paw: I see you’re still telling “short” jokes abi? *snaps fingers* we’ll see after this recording. To my fans, to describe myself in few words; I am a vely simple person with a vely simple taste of fashion and I am also God-fearing. Wait, I am also vely talented not only in acting but like my co-actors I also sing and I have started directing too and… *goes on and on for minutes*

Basco: Wow, so much for few words. Let’s try asking questions that won’t waste our money on this show. What’s your favourite brand of bicycles, cars rather.

Paw-Paw: well I like BMW

Basco: BMX is a good brand, I rode them well as a kid.

Paw-Paw: I said “B-M-Doblee you!” Are you deaf?

Basco: oh, my Bad. I thought you were kidding and so you know we marsians don’t have such a thing called “deafness”. So I take it that you have a chauffeur, true?

Paw-Paw: Ogini? What is that? Me I don’t have o. I don’t –

Basco: Easy, I meant “driver”

Paw-Paw: oh, na why you come dey speak in tongues? Well no we don’t have-

Basco: I’m sorry “we”?

Paw-Paw: Yes na, me and chinedu, “aki”. We share a car and take turns in handling the steer-ling; one laps the other and handles the pedals while the other turns the steer-ling.

Basco: I see. So which is your favorite? The steering or the pedaling?

Paw-Paw: The steer-ling o, pedaling gives me muscle pull every time because those pedals are too far down abeg.

Basco: ehya, I know how you feel… That shit brings primary school memories. And that’s not a short joke, that was a long time ago.

Paw-Paw: do you have a ploblem with people like me?

Basco: I’ll never understand you humans, I am the one asking the questions here, and what do you mean by people like you? My temper is getting a height reduction.

Paw-Paw: you see?! You see?!! You just did it again, saka will never tleat my kind this way- My people will never tleat my kind this way. Please go back to your people.

Basco: I hope you all are seeing who started the segregation. Saka, you’re seeing it all. Anyways without wasting anymore money, let’s invite another guest from the same “industry” to the stage… *spotlight aims at balls* Mr. Chidi Mokeme

Chidi: *igbo-Jand accent* bless you brof. I’m absolutely and entirely delighted to be on this prestigious show. *streches hand forward for a handshake*

Basco: *dogdes handshake and shifts on chair* I’m sorry, I’m germ conscious, but nice to have you on here too. It’s been a looong time since we last heard from you *smirks at paw paw*. So what have you been up to?

Chidi: well, I’ve been putting my entrepreneurial skills to play and it’s been working wonders for me. I’m also working on my albu-

Basco: hold up. Did you say entrepreneurial? Are we missing something? The last time I checked I was told that you sold dildoes and was doing a “high-class” woman. Could that be what you were just referring to now?

Chidi: *failed attempt at a straight face* I really don’t know what you’re talking about, I can sue you for defamation you know?… Saka and his crew won’t recover from this..

Basco: Brof, permit me to call you that. Please don’t see it as a low blow *smirks again* it was a simple question and I’m sure our viewers have gotten their answers now.

Paw-Paw: abeg, wetin be “di-li-do”? I will be vely much interested in selling too, I go like buy your kind outfit sef.

Chidi: Osi, it’s “Dildo” and it’s an artificial male sex organ that comes in different colours and sizes; same shape though.

Paw-Paw: Tufia! Ogini? Ritual money? I no do… Why will you be cutting people’s manhood? Chidi!!! Why?!!! *unconsciously protects crotch*

Basco: paw paw… Didn’t you hear “artificial”? It’s man made man hood. And Chidi, you should get off your high horse and explain better to those with little knowledge you know?

Paw-Paw: okaaay!!… I don know am now, those things wey them dey *censored*

Basco: Yes, those. *smirks* so chidi, there was a time you were the host of that reality show “G****r Ultimate search” what happened? Why were you dropped?

Chidi: dropped? *Ghen Ghen laughter*…I refused the offer for the next season; flor- I mean, my business was paying way better than that show.

Basco: hmmmn, what did you call that term again? Defamation right? *nods*… Seen

Chidi: I,.. I,I… I. *fakes cough*… I need water please.

Paw-Paw: solly, solly…

Basco: well, Paw-Paw, what do you have to say to the viewers as we’re signing out very soon.

Paw-Paw: viewers, let me tell you people something now, I was very under-rated because of a certain mal-function in my body, but that dissapointment was turned around for positive thing. People, the only limitations are the ones you want to see… Don’t ever feel limited.

Basco: Hmmmn, deep. Chidi, you?… Anything at all?

Chidi: well, as you can see I didint wait around to get “jobs” or “appointments”. I created jobs for myself and others… So people, dig deep for where your passion lies and capitalize on it. You don’t have to be an employee, try being the employer, thank you.

Basco: Well folks, you’ve heard it all. Though we had high and low moments on this show, it’s has come to an end, we should really clap for the words of wisdom from our nollywood stars.
*Standing ovation, round of applause*

viewers, listeners or readers, thank you all for your money and please watch this space for another money wasting outterview soon from the TSC crew. I also apologise on behalf of the dude handling the spotlight for giving paw-paw’s spotlight to Chidi and vice versa.
From we at TSC it’s Bye and God Bless. *unclips mic*
Ehen, paw paw what were you saying was gonna happen after the show?

Paw Paw: what else now? I’ll leave the studio na *jumps off stool and runs*

Basco: Earthlings are just pussies- wait, I hope that’s not on tape? *shrugs* I’m above human law and won’t apologise to short humans for this. Bye.


Hey people, so I’m doing an “All I want for Christmas”post coming up next week. Here’s your chance to put that Christmas list out there using TSC as your medium. You get to mention what you want/desire for Christmas and if brave enough, mention who you want it from. Now your Bf, Gf, admirers etc can’t form “I didn’t know what you’d want”
Send your entry (not more than 50 words) to mrkelvinis@gmail.com before wednesday 14th Dec to feature in the post.
NB: Twitter handles would be used..Gracias.


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