Cool Story

Why hello good people and bienvenué to TSC. Today I’m just gonna go straight into it, we’ve got a guest post from a cool dude, cool because he tells the coolest stories around. Like his stories always get me in stitches. I was privileged to read one such on my TL and i had to snap him up sharply like Sir Alex did Chicharito. I’ll step aside and let you enjoy this piece by @TheGreyGenesis … See you on the other side
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I wondered & wondered which of the ‘Jesus Take me Away’ experiences that Constitutes my small life so Far I wanted to share with you people today.

I was Picking beans last Thursday night when It Occurred to me that I had only told a few people One of the Most Humbling & Humiliating experiences of my entire Secondary School Life. Today, i shall share it with you. Stay Tuned.

P.S .. The expression “Picking Beans” in my head is ALWAYS a Euphemism for anything I’m doing at some moment which I Would not in a 1000 years admit to. Anything Except, of course, Actually Picking Honest-to-God Beans (Who does that right?) (-_-)

Anyway, I had just resumed & Started (my Journey towards Mordor) Jss 1 as a Boarding Student & I was Small. Without Common sense. And Over indulged.

The WORST Combination.

Get my drift?

For you see, the parents thought they had paid School Fees to the F.G.C for my betterment. They Obviously must not have seen the part on the Brochure that said, welcome to the Wild. Actually, the WILD is a humane thing to nickname my Alma mater … You’ll soon understand why. Let me introduce, at this Point, a Young lad named Emenike. The Misfortune that later came to befall Emenike, through no fault of his, was as a result of us having been neighbors back home. When I got admission, my Pops and the Pops of Emenike got together & decided that Since Emenike was an SS 1 student at the time, he would look out for me. Sort of like a School Father. Emenike Agreed. Poor Emenike :’)

Yeah, you still get my drift yeah?

Anyways, It was on one Bright Saturday afternoon like that. I had finally stopped crying over each new Horror my eyes had been made to see for the first 3 weeks of my inception into the hostel. Before that year, I had never seen a Human being connect a Leather Belt to the Bare back of another Human being. Nor, did I believe it could happen. I didn’t even believe the ones I had been seeing in Movies were real. By God who made me, They were Real. This I came to witness. :’) 3 Weeks in though, I was not yet a Partaker (Recipient) of the horror. Merely a witness :’) This Particular Saturday Changed EVERYTHING.(//_\\) So there I was, crying about one thing or the other I had witnessed & Generally feeling like Shit when this Bastard baby Senior dropped an empty Bucket in front of me. I peered at him through tear filled eyes. “Can I help you?” I asked. “Go & Fetch me Water.” He Said. I was like o_O ??? … He was like O_o !!!

My purely innocent look
Bastard Senior’s look…-__-

I ran away. I Felt thirsty, so I went to the Manual pumping Borehole. There was a Senior there pumping the lever while water slushed into his bucket. A Gorilla of a Boy. The fists he was Pumping the lever with were like Twice the size of my then small head. EACH. Did I tell you I had no Common sense whatsoever back then? Did you believe me? No? Okay. Here’s what I did next. (⌣_⌣) I dipped my hand beneath the Tap, lowered my mouth & Drank the water from my hand, letting the remnant from my mouth trickle into the bucket. I should have known something was Wrong when I heard the Creaky lever Stop pumping. I wanted to ask the Senior why he had stopped pumping for me to drink. And Dearly beloved, Just as I raised my face to ask whatsup?

TOZA! TOZA!

Pictorial representation of “the TOZA!”

I wanted to DIE! The Pain! O My God, the Pain! BLOOD OF JEHOSHAPHAT The two Slaps Sounded like Simultaneous Gunshots On a Beats By Dre headphone at the Loudest Volume. My face felt like it had been erased. For almost a minute I could not See at all. I could not Smell. I could only hear this high pitched “WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN” When I realized I hadn’t died afterall, I took one Looooong look of Disbelief at the Senior. “You Slapped Me?” My Rapidly Swelling lips quivered as I asked. I NEEDED TO BE SURE He took another step towards me & raised his Arm to reaffirm my Suspicion with another one. I suddenly got it. Quick as Lightning I jumped away & Started running towards the Hostel.

Need i say more?

On my way I met the First senior that had sent me to fetch him water. Apparently he could find no Juniors so he was headed to the Borehole by himself. “Come here! Your Father! You ran away ba?” I didn’t even answer him. Just kept running towards the Hostel. Towards Someone to Avenge me. Towards Poor, Poor Emenike :’) That’s how I cried & Cried & Reported the idiot to Emenike. Emenike bristled with Anger and Started storming with me in tow from the hostel to the borehole. All along Emenike thought it was my mate that did that to me :’) The Gorilla Boy was still there at the Borehole. So was the other senior.

I pointed at them. “That one is the one that Slapped me. That other one wanted to Send me to fetch him water.” I Reported I watched as the Blood drain from Emenike’s Light skinned small Calabar face as he suddenly started to put 2 & 2 Together. “And you came to Report THEM to ME???” He Squealed Gorilla Boy laughed and jumped down. His Lacoste Belt was already swinging as he Ordered Emenike, the School Father, to first Lie down Flat on the Muddy earth. The other Senior Came down from the borehole too, belt in hand. As they Beat the Facked up Shit out of the Howling Emenike, it occurred to me that My School Father was MERELY an SS 1 Student sha. It never Occurred to me that these People were SS3 Students (O_O) Then they made me lie down beside my SS1 School Father. \\ ( -̩̩̩͡˛-̩̩̩͡ ) //

Erm…but you know this isn’t the real thing yeah?

That, Dear Reader, is the Story of How I first realized that Sinzu is Sinzu. I still have Marks till this Day, from that Beating. 😥

Till Today, Emenike & his Family never again Spoke to Me … Nor My Family :’)

*Continues Picking Beans*

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See why I didn’t say much? Dammy is a special person and his stories are just…its the way he tells it, Brilliant stuff. I’m guessing we’ll be having more of him on TSC. Alright till later yo…Look out for my guest appearances on blogs close to you.

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58 thoughts on “Cool Story

  1. Lol, crazy cool story! Thank God I had an SS3 ‘brother’ as school father when I was in JS1. However, my JSS2 year was nearly fatal – my school father was the headboy so I had stepped on ‘senior toes’ and the owners of these ‘toes’ dealt with me in my second year. Nightmarish year 1992/3…Govt College, Ikorodu.

    Like

  2. This story will make a polar bear jealous…COOL I tell you. @Thegreygenesis thanks for doing this on TSC, if you had tried this on any TL then a laffter riot is imminent….*continues to pick beans*

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  3. *heaving with laughter* the life of a faggot….(dat’s what they used to call JS1 students back in them days)

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  4. Stillllll cracked me up!! LMFAO. U should hear the verbal story. My life was never the same. My Dammy is mental yannah!

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  5. LOOOOL! poor school father. I still have nightmares about my secondary school till date! I cant even share the stories, I still have PTSD.

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  6. LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO! JESUS!!!!! LMAOOOOOOOOOO *catches breath* Buhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. It’s the way he told it that’s completely funny.

    I still have a broken forehead from where a senior hit me.

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  7. Hahahahaha! I didn’t last up to a session in boarding school. Two terms and I was out. Thank God for my life. *whew* very funny nd cool story indeed.

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  8. ROTFLHMBLMAO!!!!!!!!!! tears! Real tears!! Oh lawd!!! I gotta pee!

    P.s
    (HMB=holding my belly. Just in case u wondered)

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  9. Dammy you’re a fucker!!!
    I actually laughed out loud for this one not your regular ‘lol’…
    You sef! Went to chook mouth under a running pump. Allah, the senior didn’t beat you well enough.

    Emenike o!!! =D =))

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  10. LMAOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! See me laughing like a big fool 😦 I HATE GOVT OWNED BOARDING SCHOOLS! I went to one, thankfully I was in SS1, but still. Kai!

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  11. *wipes tears*

    Imagine, years on, you tell this to your first child right before his/her first day of secondary school! The look on that child’s face then ehn…

    Well written!

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  12. Like really you put your mouth under the tap to drink water? Kai… Dat senior for brush u not slap u and poor emenike… Hahaha… Kai!

    Like

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