Hello…

No I’m not going to answer, so I’m just going to continue ignoring her and go straight to the post we have. If she does contact you, please just tell her – no I don’t want to meet to go over anything and yes I’m still in Nigeria where nothing happens.

Now you people think that most of the mad people are out on the streets. It’s actually a lie. The one that wrote this for instance – confirmed looney. But then again, so are the rest of us on the team.

Ladies, Gentlemen, Caitlyns and Wendy Williamses, welcome back @TheGreyGenesis

*******

*Pastor dances onto Altar while choir chants Hosanna*

Pastor: Praaaaaaise the Lord! It’s testimony time. With me on the altar today is Brother Chidi. Bro Chidi, please share what the Lord has done for you with us today.

Bro Chidi: Prai -Prai – Praaaaaaise the Lord!

Pastor remember when you asked us to see the positive sides of dreams and believe with all of our hearts that they would come to pass?

Pastor: Uhm, I think so… yes. go on.

Bro Chidi: Well Pastor, I’ve realised that truly, when the Lord is about to bless you tremendously, it will come as a dream.

Pastor: Yes, yes. When the Lord turned again the captivity of Zion, they were as those who dreamed! Go on Bro, Go on!

Bro Chidi: Pastor at the beginning, I had no job, nowhere to stay, no money, no happiness, no love, no food, no clothes, no life, no—

Pastor: errr… *chuckles nervously* But then the Lord came to your aid?

Bro Chidi: well, then one day on my way to Church, I received a phone call. It was one of the most profitable international huuuuge ICT companies I had applied to work with for years with no results…

Pastor: (sensing miraculous punchline coming) SOMEBODY SHOUT GLORAAAAY!

Congregation: Gloryyyyyyy!

Pastor: Go on brother Chidi.

Bro Chidi: Well, they were only calling to let me know that not only was I unqualified for the job, but that I wasn’t the type of person their Company would ever hire. Ever.

Pastor: It is well o.

Bro Chidi: Yes Pastor. So there I was, dejected and feeling depressed after the call. Then a thought hit me. I realised I recognised the voice of the company’s call‎er. Sounded like the voice of Uche, an old University mate from waaaaay back. So I impulsively dialled the number back. ‎To my surprise it was him. He was so happy to hear from me when I reintroduced myself. He only knew me as ‘Chidoski the Lowski’ back in school. Uche was now the Vice President of the company’s HR Department. In summary Pastor, after meeting up with Uche a week later, I explained my plight to him, and he promptly approved the position for me. Pastor, I received my appointment letter as a P.R ambassador to this multibillion $ company. Complete with 6 figure salary, a brand new apartment in Lekki, and a brand new Range Rover Sports as bonus package!

*Congregation goes Berserk*

*Pastor rolls around on Altar in celebration*

*Choir screams lyrics of I have seen the downfall of Satan*

Pastor: SOMEBODY SHOUT I AM NEXT IN LIIIIIIINE!!!

*Congregation screams*

Pastor: Glorayyyy!!! See the bless–

Bro Chidi: I’m not done sir, there’s more.

Pastor: There’s more? Wow

Bro Chidi: Some months after I started working there, I met the most beautiful human being I’ve ever seen in my life. And we started dating…

Pastor and Congregation: Oh yeah?

AHHH OSHEYYYY

AHHH OSHEYYYY

Bro Chidi: Then we started courting…

Pastor and Congregation: yeah?

‎Bro Chidi: (abashed grin) Did I forget to mention she’s the only daughter of the Company’s CEO.

Pastor: SOMEBODY SHOUT GLORAYYYY!

Congregation: Gloryyyyyyy!!!

Bro Chidi:‎ A year later, we relocated to the United States where I was made the GM of our large unit there.

Pastor: *jumps on Bro Chidi in bear hug* GLORAAAAY!!!

Bro Chidi: Then we got married. Another year later, my wife gave birth to a set of twins. Beautiful boy and girl!

Pastor: (In call and response sing-song voice) I. AM. NEXT IN LINE!

Congregation: IAMNEXTINLIIIIIINE!!!

Pastor: JUST LIKE BROTHER CHIDOSKI…

Congregation: JUSTLIKEBROTHERCHIDOOOOOOSKI!!!

Pastor: THE LOWSKI‎…

Congregation: THELOWSKI

Pastor: WHOM THE HOLY GHOSTY

Congregation: WHOXGVQXZPGKQQQJPVZ

Pastor: HAS MADE HIGHSKI…

*Ushers rush on Altar and lift Brother Chidi to their shoulders and start dancing*

‎*choir begins Kpoyommemma praise and worship song*

*Congregation goes Apeshit for 15 minutes STRAIGHT*

Pastor: Now let’s calm down. Calm down as Brother Chidi concludes his AMAZING testimony!

Bro Chidi: ‎Yes Pastor, thank you Pastor. Soooooooo, these are all the things the Lord did for me in the dream.

*Church goes Deathly quiet*

Pastor: wait, wait, whaaaaaaa-?

Bro Chidi: I slept yesterday with no job, nowhere to stay, no money, no happiness, no love, no food, no clothes, no life but the Lord gave me this wonderful dream and I woke up this morning still in the same state but now I’m feeling hopeful. I just know my dream can come true.

Pastor: *clutches chest* So all that money? The Tith… The company? They’re not real—

Bro Chidi‎: It was all a dream Pastor. It was all a dream ‎.

IS THIS ONE NOT MAD LIKE THIS?

THE END.

NO SERIOUSLY, IT’S THE END

FOR REAL.

THE END.

******

The most annoying thing of Grey’s stories is how he keeps you wanting more. Like you get to the end and you want to turn the ‘page’ over, or flip to side B,but nah, you’ve gotta come back next time. Have you had such a dreamy experience? Something you know will happen soon but people think you’re just foo…sorry gotta run, the boo (Rihanna is calling me)

Ajebutter Green

Hey Guys, it’s our deepest desire to entertain while at the same time mess up your brains with the things we put out on here. This post however, is geared at righting the wrongs of generations past and bringing forth World peace…or not.

Ladies and Gentlemen, enjoy…

@Demi_Carson

*****

“He touched me, he touched me, oh what joy fills my soul…”

Try as I might, every single time the choir sings this song, I can’t help but choke on my own giggle. So seshual, so damn seshual. He touched you. Of course you’re happy he touched you. Ehn, judge me o, judgemetina and judgementus, you hear, go ahead judge me. This bola lady won’t kill me in this church though I’ve told her a thousand and one times to stop dressing and winding like she’s  backup for beyonce; always looking sexy abi horny. Speaking of which, I am…Horny that is. Crap. Not again.

You’re confused aren’t you? Turning your nose up at me? lol. Let’s not play that game, I’ve turned my nose up at people more times than Mitt Romney’s been called a liar. So you can like to chill. Anyway, my name is Pastor Funmi and I’m the minister-in charge of the choir department of Victory House fellowship, University of Ibadan. I’m in my final year of Medicine and surgery and believe me, I can NOT wait till I’m inducted. It’s been 6 years of hiding, 6 years of deceit, 6 years of keeping this huge secret. Well, it’s not really a secret seeing as all have sinned and come short of the Glory of God. I’m just a sinner waiting for the R.kelly like saint who’s going to save me….and no, Pastor is not my first name. eyin oloriburuku oshi! Tueh!!

Daddy personally handed me over to the pastor-in-charge when I resumed school in my first year. He wanted me to be a pastor too you know. Bless his poor soul.  In other news, Service needs to come to an end though, this between my legs needs to be put out. *facepalm* I still have to welcome the first timers. *sigh* memories. He was a first timer too.

*flashback*

Kande was a Hausa god in guinea. I remember the sexy ass, flowing green guinea kaftan he was wearing. I literally tripped over my own foot on sighting him at the visitor’s corner after service. I had never shelled so many times in one conversation in my entire life as I did that day. Thank God for excess melanin, I’d have been beet red! I got his number and address as was requested for visitors’ follow-up. That, was where it started going down south. Down south. Now if that’s not a badly placed pun….

He was on the phone when he ushered me in to his BQ. Oh Lord that Hausa accent laced with a bit of English. Perfect I tell you. I sat on his bed (see how the devil starts?) since BQs in school barely had enough space for extra furniture, listening to him argue on the phone. He seemed angry. Maybe this was a sign from God. Maybe God wanted me to help him with anger issues. Maybe he was my helpmate and God wanted me to help him grow; you know, till we both were ready for harvesting. I flipped open my bible and you know what my eyes fell on? Ezekiel 23:20… “for she doted upon them whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emissions were like that of horses.” The devil’s a bastard isn’t he? Using the bible against me? I mean, come on! Of all verses to have stumbled on! I quickly flipped to the 23rd Psalm, I needed The Lord to be my Shepherd and lead me to the still waters located somewhere in Kande’s mouth…No, not that. “…even though I walk through the shadow of the valley of his dick, I’ll…” Wait. What? This is going all wrong, I quickly excused myself to the bathroom… an attempt to get the devil behind me. Wrong call… I stepped back into the room to meet kay waiting… on the bed… naked… My Lord jesus, kay was uncircumcised. And that thing, that thing hanging between his legs, that thing was big enough to pound Christmas yam! “hello pastor Funmi…”. That was the end guys, THE END, that cherry popped and it was well popped! The service was amazing, My God! I sang heavenly choruses and saw the Cherub and Angels descending Heavenly banisters. At some point during the servicing, sorry service, I swear I heard the Halleluyah Chorus while David played the Harp.

Not all fairy tales have happy endings, definitely not mine. Kay just disappeared. I mean, it couldn’t have been the rapture ‘cos I’m still here. Well fuck you for that raised eyebrow; The Lord loves me the way I am, Get your pretentious darling yaki wearing ass outta here. It felt like my world crashed. I would look out for him at fellowship meetings, even made him a special prayer point during our prayer meetings but he never showed up.I would later learn that he was advised to withdraw and he took the advice. I don’t know why he never told me, Oh then again, we didn’t do much pillow talk.

“Pastor Funmi!”

Great! this one has spotted me now. Let me tell you a bit about Sheye. He was recently anointed as the Usher’s leader but was my padi padi back then. We had met at 411 on a Friday when I’d gone to buy shawarma and the attendant was wasting my time, I wanted to cuss her out but had to chill because you know, I was in year 2 and ought to be the prim and proper Christian. Sheye was next on the queue, Obviously he had seen my frustration and was quick to hassle the attendant on my behalf. He introduced himself as  “brother sheye from Fire Ablaze ministries” and then asked me to join him for some drinks later. Don’t judge me, He was HAWTER THAN FIRE!!! Which is a good thing you know; wonderfully made and shit…

I ordered the Cranberry Juice…He ordered the Vodka.

Dear God, so this is where my extra rib is meant to complete? How great thou art…

One tin one tin, we were flashing each other halogen green lights over the drinks. Me, I kuku know how to alcohol my handle as you can see. Our friendship grew as days passed, I converted him to my fellowship, we became drinking (communion) buddies and one Friday night, we ended up at his apartment in the middle of the night. For a “brother,” sheye had the most suspect bedroom I’d ever visited. My panties found their way to the floor joining my top and bra that I had somehow gotten rid of. He lay me on the bed and started kissing me all over, kissing my inner thighs and all. You know, everywhere but where I really needed ministration. Ko funny at all. Kini gbogbo nonsense. But really, why do you men like to form harlequin romance during sex? I will brush you! I don’t have time for senrenre mehn! “brother sheye, don’t waste my time’ I swear, I don’t know when it slipped out. He looked up at me and gave me the cockiest smile ever. “Mental eye roll* I watched myself push his head down in the mirror above his bed (now I see why we’ve never had home fellowship at his place) and smiled.

It’s about to go down…omo i bad o

Barely had he started when the devil struck… shebi I thought he was a bastard before ehn, this time he showed me. I pushed his head deeper, letting myself sink into it and then it happened… I messed. No, not that sexy pussy-fart. I MESSED. Mo so. Iso kikan! Everyone thinks a mirror above the bed is kinky and sexy and all that…not till you see your gbensher’s reaction after you fart. He looked like someone had exposed him to a lifetime of suffering and depression. The mess left him a mess to be honest. That’s not even the worst part, he didn’t even give me the chance to do the Walk of Shame. Sheye looked like he had just experienced the Damascus light as he got up, glassy eyed and walked out into the darkness. I grabbed my clothes and had to escape the smell too.

“Omo pastor, she don’t listen, Omo pastor she’s a vixen, Omo pastor k’okin gbo’ro…”

I wind vigorously as Ajebutter’s jam blares loudly from the speakers here at Club 10, Lagos. Omo mehn, my Azonto is badder than all of you. What? My Induction party  is so much fun, nothing beats this life I think to myself. I down another shot of Tequila and resume my hand-leg coordinated movement when I feel a tap on my shoulder. I turn around, careful not to go out of step. OH MY! Who says my God is not a miracle worker and cannot locate his lost sheep?

KANDE!

I start speaking in tongues while craving his tongue. MasaaasaaasaTontotontoisaDikedooooo”

I’m going to heaven today.

*****

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