Late Sadiq’s 30 Rules

In the year 1960, my great-grand father, Sadiq (nicknamed “Sir Dick” for his lengthy penis) wrote down a few guidelines for the future Nigerian (male) youths with the hope of sneaking it into the constitution. Sadly, it was rejected and called “a huge waste of time”. Sadiq is dead but I, El-Farooq shall carry on his legacy and share his rules with you with the hope that lives will be touched. [don’t ask how he knew about stuff like FIFA games & selfies back in 1960, just umm…play along]. Ladies, you can read this too & set your man straight:

editors note: I mean, if he’s not straight and he’s your man, you already have a problem

1. In a game of FIFA (or in actual football kick-around) with your buddies you are NOT allowed to refer to a “cross” as a “pull-out”. This is to avoid controversial statements such as “O boy! Bayo, that pull out mad oh. See as you no even waste time just dey use pull out dey finish me. And you come sabi head well. Na you bad pass for pull-out & heading”.

2. Under no circumstance is a guy allowed to use his hard earned money to purchase an umbrella neither is he allowed to use one (except while sharing it with a lover). However, he is allowed to accept it as a souvenir at a wedding but must dump it in the closest trash right after the reception is over.

editors note: No really, are there guys that buy umbrellas? Are they still referred to as guys?

3. Every guy must have Livescores.com bookmarked on his (and his girlfriend’s) phone/PC. Every guy. Every.

editors note: Some ‘guys’ just went “what’s livescores?” You my friend need to handover your man card. Terdoh doesn’t have Livescores by the way

4. Even if a guy hates basketball, when your mates are talking about the NBA you are to chip in the exact words: “But man, Vince Carter killed it at the 2000 slam dunk contest. Christ!” OR “T-Mac’s 13pts in 33seconds against Spurs is still one of the greatest comebacks of all time, though.”

5. When hosting your friends for an EPL or UCL game (or the El-Classico) it is only normal that the host provides the alcohol while the friends must all bring different variety of “chow” (pizza, suya etc). It wouldn’t hurt for the friends to bring along emergency alcohol, though.

6. Any lady who perfectly explains the offside rule in football should first be double-checked for a penis & upon passing this test should be treated like the goddess that she is.

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editors note: and you best start treating ‘her’ as one of the guys. These ‘girls’ are the ones you need to hide your PS pad from. NEVER CHALLENGE THEM TO A GAME!!!

7. No skinny jeans.

8. Every guy should have his own badass tailor who sews his own suit for him. Even the greatest ‘suit wearer’ of all time had his.

9. In the immortal words of Big Ghost, a guy is permitted a maximum of 5 selfies per year. If however he does not exhaust these 5 takes, he is not permitted to carry what’s left over to the next year. The count must be restarted.

10. You are permitted to sing R&B songs in a Karaoke bar. It is one of the 2 places on earth where guys are allowed to hit high notes. The 2nd being a (non-prison) shower.

editors note: and please, never speak of what transpired in there with yo homies once you walk out the door. 

11. If a guy spends the night in police custody he is required to spit a rap freestyle consisting a minimum of 16bars to his buddies.

12. You are not allowed to perform CPR on a fellow guy you’re not related to. Let him die in (straight) peace. I’m sure he’ll understand.
Exception: You work for the Red Cross.

13. A guy is not permitted to be a designated non-drinking driver for more than 3 night outs in a row with the hommies. Seriously, just watching your buddies have all the fun & destroy their liver is both lame & wicked. Smart & responsible, yes, but more of lame & wicked.

14. A guy must engage in coital activities with a lady while being tied up and Christina Aguilera’s “Nasty Naughty Boy” playing in the background at least once in his life time.

15. A guy is permitted to cry tears of joy on his wedding day. No G-points shall be deducted from his gangster-account.

Let it out ma nigga

Let it out ma nigga

editors note: afterall, it’s not everyday you tie your nuts.

16. Just like in #4, it doesn’t matter if you’re not a fan of the rap genre or not, every “Who’s the greatest rapper?” argument may last for minutes, hours or in extreme cases, days but must be halted when one party alters the words “Well, the greatest rapper of all time died on March 9th”.

17. No matter how close they are, no two unrelated guys should EVER see a movie at the cinema past 7 o’clock… except Delta Force 1 becomes available in 3D.

18. If a guy ever leaves his house to buy a pad then it better be for his Play Station or X-Box and NOT for his girlfriend or ex-box (apologies for the corny pun).

19. A guy is permitted ONLY ONE pedicure & manicure session in a life time & this must be done when he’s away on a business trip to another city where no one there has a clue who he is.
N/B: This rule has no loophole. Even if you give your life to Christ & become “born again” it still counts as one life time.

20. A guy is permitted only one barber per city. This barber, besides his excellent hair cutting skills must meet the golden law:
When standing, a barber’s pelvic region must be lower or higher than (but never the same level as) his seated client’s head.
[This rule prevents a barber’s emergency boner from having to strike his client on the face or the back of the head.]

Just look at

Just look at

21. “Dangerously In Love” is the greatest Beyoncé song of all time & thus, it’s understandable for a guy to play this while thinking about the woman he intends to spend the rest of his life with. However, “Run The World(Girls)” is complete trash and should never be found on a guy’s iTunes.
N/B: Every guy, upon access to a lady’s laptop, must search for this song in her music folder, hold down the shift key & alter the words “F*ck that sh*t!” while aggressively striking the delete key.

22. A guy without the ability to grow facial hair has two options to make up for it:
-Work out at the gym for 28hrs a week to make up for it with a buff body.
-Take his life by jumping off a bridge.

23. Upon seeing a flying cockroach in the presence of a lady friend, a guy is to puff out his chest and tell his (presumably) freaked out lady friend “don’t worry baby, I’ll kill it”, walk out the room, let out a shriek (inaudible to the lady friend in the room), do 10 push-ups then go back there and kill it. Running away wouldn’t be such a bad idea.

24. When one of your buddies is pretending to be a celebrity in order to pick up a chic, all the remaining members of the crew are required to act star-struck and ask for a picture when they walk past him. Autographs are too damn suspicious in this part of the world.

25. A guy is required to carry his extremely wasted friend all the way home & leave a bottle of water & chow beside him. When he wakes up & the whole story of how you carried him home is being relayed to him, he is to express his gratitude of the kind gesture with only two words “My nigga!” & never speak of it again.

26. Just like a guy has his own preferred brand of beer (HEINEKEN!!) and/or rum (CRUZAN!!), a guy must have his own preferred brand of Newspaper which he must read at least 3 times a week. Seriously, you’re a man, read the damn papers & know about the happenings in the country.

27. Nature played a cruel prank us by making bananas go with nuts (groundnuts). While it is obviously not avoidable, there are rules for eating it:
-Two guys must never make eye contact while eating a banana.
-A guy eating a banana in public must break off part of it and eat but never put the whole thing in his mouth.
-A guy purchasing a banana must not complain/compliment the bananas & nuts. This is to avoid statements such as “Your banana too strong jor. You wan kill me?” or “This banana too soft. Be like say you no like me. Give me better banana jor”

28. A guy is to hold open the door of his car for a lady to enter except he has paid for her services or she is a feminist.

29. 3 things a guy must never admit to having no experience in; Driving a stick, killing a chicken and making a lady cum.

30. *To be filled by reader*

 

– RJ

The Man Code

Sirkastiq: So, during the week I was chilling with my nigga and then we found ourselves talking about really random stuff called ‘women’ Now my nigga was in some Nelly/Kelly type dilemma shit and being a nice guy, I was tryna get him out of that Rick Ross-is-leaning-on-the-door type fix.

Terdoh: Wait, are we talking about me?

Sirkastiq: So somehow, we drifted and started talking about the ‘man code’ and what that’s about. We decided to check it up online and we stumbled across some rules that supposedly guide the folk with penises on how to behave.

Terdoh: Ugh! Why are we talking about me?

Sirkastiq: You see how I’ve been ignoring you? This post is for the greater good of all mankind and you’re bleating like Esmeralda’s goat.

Terdoh: Meh.

Sirkastiq: We didn’t make the rules….

Terdoh: We may or may have not added to these rules.

Sirkastiq: We don’t make the rules.

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The Man Code

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1. Thou shall not rent or watch the movie “Chocolate”.

Sirkastiq: I’m just proud I don’t know what movie this is. Why would anyone even watch a movie called “Chocolate?” You?

Terdoh: Nope. Thou shall also not watch any of the movies in the Twilight series. The only exception to this rule is if your woman requests for it while she is on her period. At any other time, you are to decline like a man.

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Sirkastiq: Rules are rules.

 2. If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever!  Unless you actually marry her…

Sirkastiq: HAYYYYY!! So how am I supposed to marry her if she’s actually off limits? What if my watch stops in the course of our meeting?

Terdoh: What if I met him and I didn’t like him? And I liked his sister?

Sirkastiq: We should remove this rule, shouldn’t we?

Terdoh: New rule: If you’ve known a guy for more than one year, and he has paid for drinks at least once, you have formed a ‘brond” (a bro bond) and so his sister is off limits.

Sirkastiq: Sounds about right.

 3. When questioned by your guy’s wife, girlfriend, mother, father, pastor, friend-with-benefit, cab man or co-worker, you need not and should not provide any useful information as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.

Sirkastiq: Yup. The best is to say “who?” Repeat three times (if asked) then dougie into the sunset.

Terdoh: Mike Jones!

Sirkastiq: Who?

Terdoh: *dougies*

 4. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 24 hours.

Sirkastiq: LMAOOOOOOO…abeg abeg abeg!!! Prison is good for you. It builds character and you learn the importance of not taking the piss. 24 hours kor…by the way, bail is free atink

Terdoh: Ko jo oh.

Sirkastiq: We gotta amend this one too.

Terdoh: Unless it costs more than 5 grand, you must bail your friend out of jail within one week. There, much more reasonable.

 5. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

Sirkastiq: Under no circumstance may you OWN an umbrella. Matter of fact, niggas with umbrellas are fagits. Real niggas get wet. Wait…

Terdoh: Real niggas wear trench coats and Mafia suits and walk in the rain and drip awesomeness.

Sirkastiq: Everyone knows this. I don’t understand why we have to put this in the rulebook.

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6. Under absolutely no condition are you allowed to leak a nude a woman sent you or an incriminating conversation you had with someone in private.

Sirkastiq: This also shouldn’t even be here. But with the advent of the current Fuckboy Generation™ it seems we need to say it.

Terdoh: No real nigga ever leaks nudes or DMs. Ever. Please act accordingly.

Sirkastiq: As curious as we are to know what they look like, we want that shit to be kept private. Don’t be a fool.

Terdoh: If you’re thinking of leaking anything right now, stop reading and smash your phone. Then step on it.

Sirkastiq: Twice.

7. A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own — gas cooker, car, clothes, firstborn child — within 12 hour notice.  Women or anything considered “lucky” are not applicable in this case.

Terdoh: This rule doesn’t apply to boxer shorts, singlets, and anything underwear.

Sirkastiq: Nah nigga, get your own.

Terdoh: And as the rule says, don’t ask to borrow my girlfriend. I’ll bust your eye.

Sirkastiq: This rule sha. That’s how all my PS3 CDs were borrowed and now belong to several niggas spread over the country of Nigeria.

8. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your guy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty.  Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast of burden, your pal is forbidden to ever speak of it.

Sirkastiq: Like EVER!!!

Terdoh: Niggas gonna turn to Nicki Minaj Bill Clinton.

Sirkastiq: “I did not have sexual relations with that woman” – Bill Clinton.

Terdoh: Or like Nicki Said “I swear to God I never had sex with that animal”.

9. Before dating a buddy’s ex you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it. He is however allowed to say, “Man, you’re gonna love the way she licks your balls”.

Sirkastiq: To all you dudes out there who think you can just make moves on the girl cos she’s ‘single’

Terdoh: Whoa.

Sirkastiq: …Who said she’s now fair game? You think you’re just gonna up in there and reap where we sowed?

Terdoh: Whoa!

Sirkastiq: Calm your impatient, insensitive ass down and ask for some damn permission ma nigga!!!

Terdoh: Whoa!

Sirkastiq: THIS THING IS NOT PAINING ME!!!

Can you just imagine?

Can you just imagine?

Terdoh: Damn!

10. If a man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem.  You didn’t see nothin’. Keep moving bruh..keep that straight face and keep movin’

Terdoh: What were your eyes doing down there bro?

Sirkastiq: I mean, do you not understand that anything below the male belt is forbidden territory for all men?

Terdoh: We didn’t make the rules. We’re simply following them.

11. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a best friend’s birthday is strictly optional, and slightly gay.

Terdoh: I adhere strictly to this rule. And it’s not because I’m broke or anything.

Sirkastiq: So I can keep the present I bought for you?

Terdoh: Wait first. Let’s consider this.

Sirkastiq: Don’t be a fagit.

Terdoh: Keep my present sha.

12. You must offer heartfelt condolences over the death of a girlfriends cat, even if it was you who secretly snapped it’s neck, set it on fire, stabbed it with a blunt knife, and threw it into a ceiling fan.

Sirkastiq: All of you will be dating women with cats. You people are not afraid.

Terdoh: The only pet your woman should have is a teddy bear.

Sirkastiq: Valid.

Terdoh: Besides, that cat has 5 more lives to go.

13. While your girlfriend must bond with your buddy’s girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal-pal’s boyfriends . . . low-level sports bonding is all the law requires.

Sirkastiq: Meaning if your girlfriend Jenny is out with her girlfriend Nike. And Nike brings Segun, her boyfriend…

Terdoh: You, my nigga, are under no obligation to bond with Segun.

Sirkastiq: Segun probably smells. And has no taste.

Terdoh: Yup. You’re only here to give Jenny moral support.

14. A man is never allowed to wear bright coloured pants.

Terdoh: Look, never. Okay?

Sirkastiq: Do like Terdoh does, and wear only black and white. Okay?

Terdoh: Listen to the man.

Sirkastiq: Carrot coloured pants, pink pencil jeans? You think this is a New Boiz video?

Terdoh: Look, anything in the warm spectrum of the rainbow; yellow, pink, bright red, bright blue; not allowed. Alright? Just don’t do it.

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15. A real man never allows a woman to pay for his dinner. Much less suggest it.

Terdoh: Naturally, you’re supposed to pay for both you and the woman with whom you’re on a date. But for the broke guys like us, we adjusted this rule.

Sirkastiq: You’re not allowed to ask her to pay for you. You can split the bill, but under no condition should she cover your expenses. If you have no money, let her come to your house and eat indomie.

Terdoh: We didn’t make the rules.

Sikastiq: We make Indomie

Terdoh: Dear God.

16. A threesome should never involve more than one penis.

Terdoh: If there is another man in the room, he better be your imaginary friend.

Sirkastiq: Or behind the camera giving you a thumbs up sign.

Terdoh: We don’t care if you’re twin brothers. If it’s a threesome it better be with two other women.

Bonus: Don’t ever leak nudes.

Terdoh: Yes, we’ve said this before.

Sirkastiq: But we feel like we need to say it again.

Terdoh: Don’t do it. Just don’t. Okay?

Sirkastiq: We don’t care if y’all fought and she threatened to kill you.

Terdoh: We don’t care if she cheated on you. We don’t care if she’s a hoe. We don’t wanna know. That shit is private. Don’t do it. Simple.

Sirkastiq: There’s a whole lot more stuff that we could say. But you know what they say about a word being enough for the wise?

Terdoh: Yeah, so being very wise guys, we’ve decided to say nothing more

Sirkastiq: mmHmmm…

Terdoh: Aren’t you going to say something?

Sirkastiq:

Terdoh: Really?

Sirkastiq:

Terdoh: Fuck you bro. If you have any rules you think should be added to this list, do use the comment box to throw it in. Cheers guys.