Seize The Bloody Bae!!!

Hello guys,

It’s been a pretty long time I’ve been here and like I said in the last post, it’s as a result of a myriad of factors. Unlike in time past, we want to ensure that we actually write stuff when there’s stuff to write about. That whole pressure of writing because we’re expected to cannot work abeg.

Best to have quality than trash quantity. (I actually believe that one day, somebody will do a small pamphlet of these my gem quotes”

“Best to have quality than trash quantity” – @Sirkastiq 2015

Today, I want to ‘talk’ about the latest fashion fad amongst us. If you look down the years, you’ll see how we’ve evolved from the days we rocked Moschino and Sean Johns, from the days of Nautica and FUBU, from the days when wearing baggy jeans meant we were really cool and rich. (Compare that to these days where fully grown, human men wear jeans skinnier than their fingers).

Life is funny uno, there was a time when our struggle was what we would score in JAMB and then after failing the first one, it shifted to “how much do I pay this guy to get me correct expo to pass?” Later it became “God, I beg I don’t want to carry-over, I can’t spill” to “Should I update my CV on jobberman, is it good enough?” As we go forward in life, our worries keep changing.

The most recent one for a lot of us is “When will I find boo/bae?” or in some cases “When will boo/bae find me?”

Listen, many people will hit you with the “God’s time is the best” and “don’t rush into a relationship” but my friend, YOU BETTER RUSH!!! Time still waits for man. Time doesn’t even have time so if you like sit down there and be expecting.

stb

The mandate was clear. it’s almost year end. Evaluate your life, why have you been dulling? Need someone to help you realize why you need to get up off your ass, go out there and seize the fucking bae?!

Here’s reasons – you’re welcome!

  1. Your eggs will soon expire/your sperm will soon become powder: Yup! Be there forming waiting for the right time, meanwhile inside your body, your reproductory materials are nearing expiry date.
  2. sperm-cartoonDon’t you want to appear on Bella Weddings? : Is it not your mates that share their “inspiring” stories on BN? Why should your own be different? You’re there waiting, shey it’s until BN is no longer in existence that you will now find bae? If you know what’s good for you, better agree for that guy in your DMs.
  3. Ring will soon finish in the market: Rings are getting scarce in the market, every Ahmed, Tunbosun and Chidera have bought rings even though they have no one to give it to. The economy dictates you purchase these items before scarcity hits. What? They don’t know the size of your finger? How is that the problem? Please focus on the ring and wear it round your neck when they give it to you.
  4. Shoki, Shakitibobo and nae nae will soon go out of fashion. Can you imagine your wedding where you can’t bust the shoki you’ve been learning for months? So you won’t hang one leg in the air while giving them shakitibobo? Let me tell you – better maximize the fact that these songs/dance steps are still relevant. Now is the appointed time.
  5. See how you’ve been seeing cute babies all around you and you’re like “OMG, I WANT!!!” How are you going to get? You think you can become the next Angelina Jolie? My friend, don’t be stupid. Say yes to that man now
  1. Price of visa and ticket is now high. To go to turkey, UK, USA and all those places is long and expensive. With a bae that is ready and willing, you solve that problem and get to visit all these places on someone else’ tab. Why try to save so much when you can just find a willing account number? You people don’t pay me enough for all this wisdom.

I know the alliance of online feminists are probably reading this like “why is he seemingly referring to women? Why aren’t the men the hunted ones?” see, I’m not about to offend you people and your association. I’m a man and it’s only somewhat understandable that I write from this viewpoint. Don’t be offended, just go and seize the bae. The year is almost over, it’s like you want to be by yourself at Christmas and on Vals day. Ok o. you think you’re doing me? You’re doing yourself.

Let’s read your successful ‘seize the bae’ stories…or plans.  Embrace the comment section

Single Pringles

Why hello there. It’s been a hot minute right? My apologies really. I’m even tired of making apologies but thing is I’ve been mad busy with life, work, avoiding getting arrested and/or beat up and organizing the “Letters To My Ex” series on TNC which was a massive success by the way. What?! You missed that? Shit. Catch up here. I wrote Letter number 5.

So anyway, those letters successfully started off lots of conversations, responses and lots more. Some even craved the opportunity to respond and I couldn’t help but wonder what that’ll look like. So yeah, sooner than later or maybe later (so as not to overflog the letter writing), we’ll have our special letter series (you read it here first) Today however, I want to address a different issue.

address: different issue

LOOOOOOOOOOOL..I’m really so funny.

No?

Not even a bit?

😦

If you’ve been reading my stuff here of recent, you will note I’ve been writing quite a lot on relationships. I don’t even know why o, it’s not like I’m like @8plus9 or @thetoolsman that are experienced in these matters. It however might be because I’ve been reading their stuff a whole lot and they are influencing my thought process. Shut up! I say again, it’s not because I’m single. Anyway today, I got wondering and I don’t do that often but when I do, I really do. So I sat there and asked my self a question, I said “Self!” Self was like “yeah?” I’m like “Self, why are you single?” and self was like “you should ask yourself” and i looked at self like O_o , “I’m asking you though, why you asking me to ask myself?”, Self got all defensive and raised his voice by itself and was like “Why are you asking you? I said you should ask yourself!”

So that discussion berthed this topic: Ask YOURSELF, why are you single?

Capture

Now I’m going to attempt to answer this question from different viewpoints, I may or may not be wrong and you might find that you belong to one or more of the categories. I don’t know.

– You’re Ugly.

Very-Funny-Ugly-People

See yeah, who makes the yardstick for what is ugly and what isn’t ugly?Who set the standards for beauty? Isn’t beauty in the eyes of the beholder? Aren’t Segoon Arinze, Bola Tinorbu and Razerk Awkoya married. The people that married them, do they not know beauty when they see it? Look if your excuse for being single is because you’re ugly, then you need to wake up from that thought, remove the tree trunk in your eye and find the woman that loves you for what..sorry, who you are. Facial constitution is not a barrier to love. That area boy that doesn’t even brush daily and looks like a rumpled paper from a 2B note still has one babe that calls him ‘onny’ on the regs. My friend, gather up your balls and walk up to that lady. Let your inner beauty speak for you! Let your charm and charisma sweep her off her feet! Let the baritone of your voice cause a dam to burst open in the region between her thighs! Let…ok, I’m getting carried away. You get my drift.

1- You don’t have money.

Capture

So you’re the type of nigga that sets off bank alarms when you pass by becuase even the building can smell your broke ass from miles away. I mean, you’re so broke you don’t even get credit alerts simply because there’s no money to debit you from. But you love some babe, however you’ve been told that relationships are expensive and you need some finance to maintain the fuel of love. Let me tell you brethren; Money should not stop you from commiting to a woman. Look, do you think the Lord cannot bless you with a woman that is willing to ignore the absence of money? Oh? OH? I can hear the murmurings. Look my nigga, I’d have said ignore the things you see in Nollywood movies but I remembered your ass can’t even afford a TV. so yeah, here’s what you do: Find yourself a rich babe. HOW? I don’t know abeg.

2-You’re a Player.

MrBeanRonaldo_1153413663

Most guys today are single simply because they already have what they want. Do you know the pleasure that comes with having access to watch DSTV when you want without paying subscription? No aunty, tell me why that guy will commit to you when he’s already finished work? So yeah, guys have noticed that they can play trial matches for different clubs before deciding which club they’ll permanently join. So rather than put their all into impressing at the trials, they put up an average performances. These guys eventually get to the point where they realize that there’s more to life than playing but this realization might take forever. Be there forming player up and down o, continue. Until your mates all settle down and the only settling you’re doing is on your couch, eating regrets out of a paper bag while tears stream down your face. No continue…

3-You’re Handsome. Unlike the ugly ones, this group actually believe that they’re God’s gift to women. They feel like they were sculpted from the fabric of beauty itself. These guys walk abi float and act like they dont even shit. if they shit sef, their shit don’t stink. Their shit is probably what mars bars are made from. Enough of this shit. So yeah, they wait for the perfect woman that complements their looks but the snag is that they lack so much in personality, sense, manners and the basic things that make up a normal human being. Can you tell i’m pissed at their shit? Look, its not like I’m not fine. I mean, on a scale of 0 – Idrils Elba, I’m probably a Taye Diggs (yeah he does look like me) but yeah…You better stop deceiving yourself up and down, you think all the “OMG! You’re so fine” you get on IG make you some sort of superstar. My nigga, humble yourself and let the Lord exhalt you…or not. By the way, opposites attract, I’m just saying.

4- Your Member is too big.

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You’re actually a humanitarian because you’re considering the damage you will wreck if you attempt to put your baton inside her. This is why you’re single. I mean, people don’t appreciate what you’re doing because they don’t understand  but it’s ok my nigga. Your type is rare. Keep doing you. (Yes I mean masturbating). More grease to your…palms?

5- You’re Ugly and Broke . Brother, relationship is not for everyone 1 cor 7:8

6-You’re me

Well, I’m sure I haven’t exhausted all the reasons. There are likely more reasons why you’re single. Maybe because you’re waiting for a prticular babe to break up, maybe you don’t believe in dating before marriage (ehm, yes ke) or maybe you’ve just decided that you want to be an eunuch or something. If you’re single, please share your reasons and feel free to add more using the comments box. The “un-singles” are welcome too.

Turn Down for WHAT?!

I’m not even happy this morning.

Like I can’t even take this thing again. It’s just downright annoying and so I’ve decided to come talk about It here with the hope that the specie to whom this behaviour is commonplace with can fix up.

If you’ve ever loved a girl, then you’re probably familiar with heartbreak. The two are almost mutually inclusive as you cannot have one without the other. Note that I didn’t say “if you’re in a relationship” This is because these days, you don’t even have to be in a relationship to have your heart shattered into a million minute fragments. I’m just tired. Now don’t get it twisted, I’m not of the opinion that hearts shouldn’t be broken but my grouse is that if you’re going to do something so life defining, at least put some effort into it. Don’t just toss the nigga into a blender and watch him get ground to smithereens.

If you’re going to turn a guys’ advances down, Please don’t do it in a way that he becomes the Hitler of our time.

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Yes, In case you don’t know, Hitler became the way he became because some chick told him she wasn’t going to date him if he was the only figure on the calendar. Go on Wikipedia that.

Dear God, in this my life, I have heard the silliest reasons for turning a guy’s advances down. I mean you would think “NO” was more than a two letter word with the way you girls creatively come up with your reasons. How hard is it to say “No, I can’t date you?” But you people allow the devil and the host of hell to use you. You don’t have to add an explanation. Even if he looks like his whole world is about to crash, DON’T EXPLAIN!

Well, except he asks “why”

Please b, tell me whyyyy, please...

Please b, tell me whyyyy, please…

Here are some downright ridiculous responses I’ve heard in this my stellar lifetime

DISCLAIMER: The turn downs listed herein are not peculiar to me and may or not have been first hand experiences. These could be sourced as a result of various testimonies shared by fellow bros over bottles of Jack Daniels and cheeks  flowing with tears.

1. “It’s not you it’s me” This one is the most popular turn down ever. Like WTF do you mean, it’s not me. Haven’t you just evaluated my entire existence and come to the brain clogged conclusion that I’m not good enough. What stupid damage control are you trying to do? By saying it’s you, do you think that makes me feel better? Matter of fact, it doesn’t because you just insinuated that there’s something wrong with my tastes and choices.  So, In other words, I didn’t do my research well before approaching you? Your father must be a lesbian tadpole.

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2. “You’re like a brother to me” You must be very stupid. You know the most annoying thing about this reason? Most times, the guy has invested so much into this pre-asking period. Homie has probably taken her on dates, dinners. Movies etc. My guy has likely even at some point mentioned how much he has in his bank account. See yeah, brotherman has entered his td Jakes “Naked & not ashamed” mode and just when he thinks there is nothing that could go wrong, Aunty puts him in the dreaded “like a brother zone” It’s not even like she puts him in the bro zone, e for better. The “like a brother” zone is non-confirmatory. It’s a “I don’t know what you are to me, but it’s somewhere between a brother and not a brother” In other words, “you confuse me” In other words “you’re a confusion”  If you’re in this zone, brother, you might want to drink rat poison while chewing on cockroaches.

Real

Real

3. “I like you too much to spoil what we have with a relationship” WHAT?!!! LMAOOOOO…This is similar to saying “I love playing FIFA but I don’t want to win a game so I don’t play” Does this make any iota of sense? It’s sayings like these that make me sometimes believe girls have ofio and sawdust where their brains ought to be. If you like him, what’s wrong with a relationship? Why not tell him the truth? This truth is probably (a. You don’t have money (b. She likes someone more (c. You smell (d. You really smell (e. You smell really bad. It’s never sex because she likely hasn’t had sex with you. Girls ain’t gon’ give the box up to some nigga who smells like a skunk wearing ammonium perfume. But yeah, it’s always better to just let out the truth.

4. “You’re a great guy but…” Look, if you ever hear this as opening statement, It’s ok to just stop her mid-sentence, shut her up, leave the location and never come back again. This is because what will follow will definitely fuck up your self-esteem for generations. Save yourself the damage. See, if not you’ll hear shit like “…you’re not just my type”, “…we can’t ever be together. “…You’re short and I want my kids to have a father they can look up to” or “…no one wants a 4 inch fully erect dick” See? Flee my nigga

There’s many more I’m sure but space won’t let me exhaust them all. I know you guys have experienced much more,  Here’s some…

g5PeD

Ladies, I love you and all but let that guy down easy. The truth is always better but if it’s going to hurt real bad, then shut the hell up and just say “no” Some scars are hard to remove and rather than be the witch appearing in his nightmares, be as nice as you can. If he can however handle the truth and keeps pressing for an explanation, then drop it like it’s hot .

Lastly, ladies I beg you…

Don’t be the one to suggest “Let’s still be friends”

Engine Oil Black

“Although we’ve come to the end of the road, still i can’t let you go…”

Oh, Hi there guys, Today brings us to the close of the series which has run since Thursday last week. It has been a good run so far and we appreciate all of you for reading, the comments, feedback etc.  Let me step aside and allow you enjoy what real love looks like. PS: All characters are fictional and bear no semblance to real life people. Ladies and Gentlemen…

@ColorMyCake

*****

Today my lover & I went for a walk. It was very romantic. He kept looking back & staring at me. It was going rather well until he yelled at me to stop following him because he doesn’t know me. How ridiculous is that? How can he not know the mother of his 3 future children? I’ve done nothing but love him. I’ll have to address this tonight while we’re in bed together. He always leaves his bedroom window open for me. Romantic isn’t it? I’ve never really been in his room yet. We’ve been together 6 months but I’m kind of an old fashioned woman and believe intimacy should wait. But tonight on our 6 month anniversary and after this romantic walk, I feel its time we took it to the next level. I even bought him a new cell phone because his current one keeps hanging up on me.  So I’m thinking, give him his new cell phone, then we’ll lay in bed together and discuss where this relationship is going.

Anyways that’ll be for later, let me tell you a little bit about us. Kelvin and I met about 8 months ago at a Friend’s Dinner party. Turns out we had both attended the same college. It was really love at first sight. I kept staring at him & he kept staring back. Then 1 week later, I had been mugged outside a Starbucks and guess who my hero was? Yup. Kelvin. I mean sure, I’d been following him for one week and had been waiting outside his favorite starbucks to “casually bump” into him but that’s besides the point. The point is, he was my hero. Isn’t that the stuff all great romance stories are made of?

Since then we’ve gone to a lot of places together. Dinner dates, movies, however Kelvin is very shy so I have to sit two chairs away. Once we even went to his parents barbecue together. I introduced myself as K’s friend and his mum seemed to like me. We’re a very romantic couple but you know how boys are, so I don’t tell him all the wonderful things we do together.

We rarely fight because we’re so perfect for each other. Once I’d been mad at him because he had gone on a date with another girl. At first I thought it was just mid relationship jitters, we were 3 months in and very serious but then the camera I installed in his home for his own safety had caught them making out. Sigh. So I took care of the girl. Us women have to make sure no one steals our men you know? All these trifling hos don’t know when a man is taken. I called him to talk about it a few times but he kept saying “I think you have the wrong number” and hanging up. Maybe my voice sounds different over the phone, then again I also had a cold that day.  But he sounded sorry, I could hear it in his voice.

It’s midnight and I’m on my way to the Lover’s house. Its finally that night. I’m so happy. After 8 months I know he’s the one. His door is locked even though I texted him that I’ll be coming over. And so is his window for the first time ever. Hmm. Then again I did hear him on the phone talking about some girl stalking him, I’m sure she spooked him. I don’t understand why girls are so desperate and don’t understand when they’re not wanted. Thank God I’m not like that. He seems to be asleep so I let myself in with my key that I made, Undress put his new phone on his bedside table and slip into bed with him. He feels amazing. He doesn’t complain and snuggles into me. We’ll talk in the morning, for now I just want to bask in this.

After a peaceful night I’m awakened by shrieking. I wake to a half naked Kelvin in bed screaming “What the fuck are you doing here?” I’m really confused and calmly reply “Didn’t you get my text baby? Would you like breakfast?” He continues screaming and asks me to leave before he calls the police. I try to reason with him and say “Baby, sit down let’s talk.” He doesn’t seem too keen on it. Boys. I think he’s just having a hard time at work and wants to be alone so I leave.

Or maybe he wasn’t ready for this stage in our relationship because he looks a little scared. I’ll just see him later.

Sigh.

Later that day anyways I receive a letter called “Restraining Order” and its from Kelvin. I think he’s apologizing or maybe it’s a “just because” poem.

*****

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Carrot Orange

Welcome to the second post of the day. Yes, Posts shall be up TWICE daily. at Noon and 4pm, so keep abreast or just subscribe to get posts in your mail.

Our next article is mostly a spoof of @Otoxic’s post on TNC which you can read here Our story basically tells of the struggles of a man with a queer tag or something like that..

Welcome ladies and Gentlemen…

@MallamSawyerr

*****

So you want to know about me. You want me to tell you about myself.

Carrot

Why would you name a child Carrot? Carrot o! As in the vegetable! You sef imagine this scenario.

“Hello baby girl, my name is Carrot.”

That’s the kind of thing that happens when while you were being born, your father was busy at his favourite joint shouting:

“Barman, bring another round of Squadi*!”

Eight girls, no boy…can do that to a man. Why did he get my mum pregnant again then, you ask. Well, like every drinker says, “one more round for the road.”

You cannot believe the names I’ve had to live through.

“Carrot love.”

“Sweet Carrot.”

“Carrot my darling”

“Afin”

“Almost Albino”

And the absolute worst

“Carro carro!”

I may hate the name, but it’s very dear to me. It would be to you too if it was the last word your mother ever spoke.

Agbalumo

“Your father dey mad! See your head like grinding stone wey dem use thruway. Idiot”

Not what David said as he took down Goliath, but he wasn’t facing the school bully using rotten agbalumo*.

I could only stand so much ridicule without growing thick skin and then giving them my own in return. When you’re really small for your age with a “wonderful” name, you learn to develop your other assets. A sharp mouth, killer aim and amazingly quick feet were my allies while growing up. Drunk dad, no mum, eight girls…can do that to a boy.

Mirinda

Everything has its pros and cons, quick feet can also get you into trouble.

“Heyss! Na you be Carrot abi? So na because of you all those boys dey use us laugh abi?”

“Make una leave the poor boy alone jo. Na im fault sey una no sabi run. Shame no even catch una sey junior boy dey dust una. Tueh!”

Thankfully the Orange House seniors had my back because of the number of medals I got for them on a steady basis. The other benefit including a daily supply of Mirinda from Aunty Taibat’s shop.

You’d think with my fame, I would have girls at my beck and call, abi? For where?

“Sandra, how far now, come and escort me to the canteen to buy snacks”

“See Carrot o! Make I escort you go canteen? Pschew!”

My fortune changed when Salamo entered the school.

Salmon

She was Aunty Taibat’s second daughter and her name was Wura, but because she was an escaped albino, like me, the nickname everybody knew her by was Salamo. She was so fine in my eyes, I couldn’t bring myself to call her that.  Salmon sounded nicer.

I remember the first time I called her that, she laughed and asked me with that little voice of hers that I loved

“You’re making fun of me o, which one is Salmon”

I told her it was a special kind of fish eaten by rich people.

“So I’m now a fish abi.”

We both laughed about it; after all we were in love. Or so I thought.

Jollof

“Nonsense! Stupid girl! Can you see yourself now? Ehn? SHAME!!!!! You better follow me.”

It was a Friday, the day we all looked forward to because we were served Jollof Rice in the lunch hall. Nobody expected to hear those words shouted from outside, or to see Aunty Taibat  burst into the room with Salmon in tow. Before I knew it, they were both at my table with Aunty Taibat glaring down at me, smoke practically spewing forth from her ears and nostrils.

“Is this the one? Ehn?! Oo le dahun abi? Abi you think I didn’t see two of you doing kurukere up and down the school abi?”

Salmon shook her head and I released the breath I didn’t know I was holding. They then moved to the senior table where Salmon pointed at one of the seniors. I don’t think anybody expected that Aunty Taibat would lift him the way she did. Men, it was like we were watching WWE. Screaming between slapping and punching him:

“So you’re the one that have make my Wura pregnant abi? Iwo lo fun loyun? O ti rogo leni.”

So much for our love.

Moin Moin

University was an entirely different kettle of fish, or shall I say pot of soup. You see, I was tired of being the small and cute Carrot. I wanted to be a man.  Wouldn’t you be tired if people were always asking you:

“Ahn ahn, is your school on midterm?”

Is it fair? So I made up my mind to do all things necessary to make sure I grew. My eating became legendary. Reigning champion of the inter hall eating competition 4 years in a row. My record of 30 wraps of Moin Moin has not been equalled not to talk of being surpassed.

Carrot…Again

I felt NYSC was a waste of my time. I mean, my three sisters who hadn’t bothered were more successful than the others who had slaved under the sun and in the rain for our nation. But despite my misgivings, I went anyway. Fortunately, I met Sophia; beautiful with an amazing voice and slightly taller than me. For the first time in my life, when I introduced myself she smiled and said

“That’s a rather exotic name. Who gave it to you?”

My mother’s story struck a chord with her, having lost her own dad when she was five, she understood. Sparks flew, the chemistry was real, and we were in love. Service year went by in a flash; more beautiful memories than dark ones.

After service year, I was lucky enough to get a job with an oil servicing company; she got hired by a PR firm. Six months later, we got married. I will never forget our wedding night. After we got back to the hotel andshe finally unzipped my pants, all she could say was

“What is this Carrot?”

*****

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