Signs & Wonders

Every year, there’s some prophetic declaration that Pastors pronounce. It doesn’t even matter if they hear from God. You know, because, sometimes the lord might be busy handling other important stuff like the war in the middle east, Donald Trump’s wig or Vic -O. Hence it’s a general occurrence when they (the pastors) follow the spirit (alcohol) and make these pronouncements under the influence.

One of the most common ones is “The year of Signs & Wonders”. The thing about this is that, whatever happens must be a sign or wonder. It must sha fall into one of the categories, so pastors can’t go wrong with this.

On that note, welcome to 2016 – A year of signs and wonders. In case you’re looking for a sign, they are everywhere. This year, you will not experience bewilderment and utter flummoxation! You will not look at a sign and wonder “The fuck?” Your signs will be clearer than Toke’s skin magnified and projected on HD. Better say Amen!

Now, there’s a set of human-like living things who apart from the above mentioned pastors, occasionally put up sign posts – usually warnings, or advertisement of their services or shops and how they can be located. ‎I call them human-like because (opposed to normal humans) their signs almost always carry the most ridiculous contents

Of course I took pictures of them. Help me understand these signs because I’m sure the people who put some of them up meant them as jokes…

 

I almost drove into the car ahead when i saw this

“Fuckenizer?” That’s definitely a hybrid vulcanizer fuck boy right? Like, I’m coming. Are the tyres a representation of his rubber size? Is he trying to say he’s going to need something that huge to…? Someone abeg, call the number.

The CROCAT. You know… Half Croc, half Cat. Tastes so good in peppersoup

 

Their God, their Mother

There’s several interpretations to this one. Is God their mother? Is the barbing salon co-owned by God and his mother? What’s the sharing formula? And why the fuck are they also into wears and accessories? Here’s something similar Sirkastiq found on Google

This one probably sells the barbing salons alongside clothing materials.

Rechard your phones right here bruv.

Who is rechard and why are we bying him/her/it a card?

Yeah, so I know you’re like a Mollusc and you don’t really come out of your house except when work or worship calls, or when you’ve set your place on fire (again) trying to cook that dope ass Egusi you saw on IG.

But if occasionally, you do? You’ll notice there are other actual living things situated around you‎. These living things have houses too, cars too, and they go to work, worship and cook Egusi too.

So let’s share. What are some of the most ridiculous signs you’ve seen. Pictures will be awesome.

Have a great year ahead guys

• Grey

 

New yeah?

Hey Guys,

Happy New Year and all that. No really, we at TSC wish you the best of the year 2013. There isn’t much to say on how to achieve your goals, make resolutions and all that, we don’t know jack about that kinda life. We hardly make plans which is why the three of us don’t wear boxers or briefs.

-__-

Act like you didn’t just mull over that.

“2013 is going to be THAT year!” Familiar words right? Next time someone says this, ask them to expatiate. You’ll get stuff like “I don’t know but I feel this year is going to be better than the last and most of our dreams will be realized” Once they’re done saying this, you need to give them your most annoying poker face and then serve them a chilled “Shut the fuck up”

Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with being expectant for a new year but can you not base expectation on feelings? Thank you. I’m not gonna get preachy on here, I try to save that torture for those who follow me on twitter. Here, I try to be as diplomatically behaved as possible for the sake of the starving kids in Sudan.

That doesn’t make sense but keep moving.

With the new year springs up various prophecies from acclaimed men of God. We shall not be debating whether they were really called by God, whether they actually heard from Him or whether these prophecies are well crafted figments of their pre new year imagination.

DISCLAIMER: Whichever “man of God” you picture in your head as you read this is a product of your own mind and we shouldn’t be held responsible for that. It is your business o. I did not mention any names or do any descriptions. I have told you o. Don’t come and be doing “I know you were subbing my pastor” in the comments. I will just wound you, Ehen.

Everywhere you look, you shall see the following types of prophecy:

*loads pastoral accent*

The year 2013 is a special one in the history of mankind (no shit sir, seeing as it has never existed before) As a year with four different numbers unlike any seen since 1987, it bears a special uniqueness in the order of the universe (why didn’t I notice that?) This year, the lord has being speaking to me (So wait, previous years, that wasn’t Him right, and didn’t the year just start?) He has revealed to me the route of our nation and what the year has for us

*pastor pauses for some sorta effect or maybe to remember his lines*

In 2013, a great man shall die and many more shall follow suit in the country Nigeria (wow Nostradamus, I think this is pretty much expected, wanna tell us who?). There shall be mass accidents on land, sea and air (no accidents on twitter? You mean no one is gonna get murderlized, world star hip hop style? awww shit) This is the year of judgement for politicians and those who manipulate the youth (you can like to tell us who they are, we can harm them ourselves) This year, small businesses shall do well and power the economy (lol)

Guys you need to pause for a minute. Now I’m not one to criticize prophecies because I do know that God does speak and most of the time, He doesn’t need to wait for December 31^st to do so. My grouse is why don’t we ever hear positive prophecies? Why don’t we hear that MTN is going to acquire some semblance of sense and deliver good services. Why don’t we hear that Nigeria will come back from the Nations Cup with something better than bronze (afterall, I think the big guy watches soccer) Why don’t we hear that Grandma Cossy will finally get sense and realize she’s more repulsive than spirogyra mixed with okro in a plate?

Uh Oh…

Every year, we hear the same prophecies in remixed form. People die, accidents, economic boom (with conditions). When these pastors say something a bit direct like “the governor of jankara will be impeached,” they quickly add a condition…”except  prayers are made” so that in the eventuality of the event not occurring, they can allude it to prayers that were made.

I don’t know again for real. The prophecies are hardly specific and are well laced with vagueness that with little or no practice, I’m sure I can pull off some of mine.

*dons white garment, kicks off shoes, balances on one foot, stares into upper left hand corner of room, keeps staring, receives inner shock (worms actually) raises shoulder, squints eyes, proceeds*

• The year 2013 is going to be very unique. There will be light in some sections of Lagos and the nation in general. Others shall experience various varieties of black outs and disconnection.
• The nation shall experience various holidays, each lasting nothing less than 24 hours.
• Eminent personalities shall lose their lives this year; a notable politician with a vowel in his name shall pass on before the first quarter of the year is up.
• There shall be an outbreak of fuel scarcity in the year 2013. To be precise; in one of the months that has more than 20 days.
• The Super Eagles of Nigeria shall score a goal at the upcoming Nations’ cup. They shall not win the trophy (except prayers are made and cash is exchanged)
• In the entertainment Industry *vibrates* Denrele’s fashion sense shall not change, D’banj will appear in more pictures with Kanye, and Wizkid shall feature in many collabos.
• Ruggedman *sigh* There’s something wrong with my connection, have to verify this. Be right back.
• Yeah, we’re back..Oh yes, Ruggedman. I was asked to move on to important matters.

*bows head low, closes eyes, holds heart, deactivates connection, exhales, puts foot down, looks around with the Dwayne Johnson stare*

LOL.

It’s a new year and there’s so much to look forward to (by the way this statement isn’t fair to blind people) and we wish that it’s a pleasant year for everyone. We would offer prayers and all of that but it’s not that serious and we are sure you’ve had enough to last you a lifetime.  Here’s to a year of laughter on here. Please, not all our posts will be funny, we cannot even lie, this shit is hard. But bear with us on such days. When we make you keel over in laughter (or not), do well to share the link with others. Basically guys, you make us who we are (though we are nothing but pencils in the hands of the creative) and we hope that you journey with us this year and enjoy every minute of it.

Happy New Year again

@Sirkastiq for TSC