Late Sadiq’s 30 Rules

In the year 1960, my great-grand father, Sadiq (nicknamed “Sir Dick” for his lengthy penis) wrote down a few guidelines for the future Nigerian (male) youths with the hope of sneaking it into the constitution. Sadly, it was rejected and called “a huge waste of time”. Sadiq is dead but I, El-Farooq shall carry on his legacy and share his rules with you with the hope that lives will be touched. [don’t ask how he knew about stuff like FIFA games & selfies back in 1960, just umm…play along]. Ladies, you can read this too & set your man straight:

editors note: I mean, if he’s not straight and he’s your man, you already have a problem

1. In a game of FIFA (or in actual football kick-around) with your buddies you are NOT allowed to refer to a “cross” as a “pull-out”. This is to avoid controversial statements such as “O boy! Bayo, that pull out mad oh. See as you no even waste time just dey use pull out dey finish me. And you come sabi head well. Na you bad pass for pull-out & heading”.

2. Under no circumstance is a guy allowed to use his hard earned money to purchase an umbrella neither is he allowed to use one (except while sharing it with a lover). However, he is allowed to accept it as a souvenir at a wedding but must dump it in the closest trash right after the reception is over.

editors note: No really, are there guys that buy umbrellas? Are they still referred to as guys?

3. Every guy must have Livescores.com bookmarked on his (and his girlfriend’s) phone/PC. Every guy. Every.

editors note: Some ‘guys’ just went “what’s livescores?” You my friend need to handover your man card. Terdoh doesn’t have Livescores by the way

4. Even if a guy hates basketball, when your mates are talking about the NBA you are to chip in the exact words: “But man, Vince Carter killed it at the 2000 slam dunk contest. Christ!” OR “T-Mac’s 13pts in 33seconds against Spurs is still one of the greatest comebacks of all time, though.”

5. When hosting your friends for an EPL or UCL game (or the El-Classico) it is only normal that the host provides the alcohol while the friends must all bring different variety of “chow” (pizza, suya etc). It wouldn’t hurt for the friends to bring along emergency alcohol, though.

6. Any lady who perfectly explains the offside rule in football should first be double-checked for a penis & upon passing this test should be treated like the goddess that she is.

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editors note: and you best start treating ‘her’ as one of the guys. These ‘girls’ are the ones you need to hide your PS pad from. NEVER CHALLENGE THEM TO A GAME!!!

7. No skinny jeans.

8. Every guy should have his own badass tailor who sews his own suit for him. Even the greatest ‘suit wearer’ of all time had his.

9. In the immortal words of Big Ghost, a guy is permitted a maximum of 5 selfies per year. If however he does not exhaust these 5 takes, he is not permitted to carry what’s left over to the next year. The count must be restarted.

10. You are permitted to sing R&B songs in a Karaoke bar. It is one of the 2 places on earth where guys are allowed to hit high notes. The 2nd being a (non-prison) shower.

editors note: and please, never speak of what transpired in there with yo homies once you walk out the door. 

11. If a guy spends the night in police custody he is required to spit a rap freestyle consisting a minimum of 16bars to his buddies.

12. You are not allowed to perform CPR on a fellow guy you’re not related to. Let him die in (straight) peace. I’m sure he’ll understand.
Exception: You work for the Red Cross.

13. A guy is not permitted to be a designated non-drinking driver for more than 3 night outs in a row with the hommies. Seriously, just watching your buddies have all the fun & destroy their liver is both lame & wicked. Smart & responsible, yes, but more of lame & wicked.

14. A guy must engage in coital activities with a lady while being tied up and Christina Aguilera’s “Nasty Naughty Boy” playing in the background at least once in his life time.

15. A guy is permitted to cry tears of joy on his wedding day. No G-points shall be deducted from his gangster-account.

Let it out ma nigga

Let it out ma nigga

editors note: afterall, it’s not everyday you tie your nuts.

16. Just like in #4, it doesn’t matter if you’re not a fan of the rap genre or not, every “Who’s the greatest rapper?” argument may last for minutes, hours or in extreme cases, days but must be halted when one party alters the words “Well, the greatest rapper of all time died on March 9th”.

17. No matter how close they are, no two unrelated guys should EVER see a movie at the cinema past 7 o’clock… except Delta Force 1 becomes available in 3D.

18. If a guy ever leaves his house to buy a pad then it better be for his Play Station or X-Box and NOT for his girlfriend or ex-box (apologies for the corny pun).

19. A guy is permitted ONLY ONE pedicure & manicure session in a life time & this must be done when he’s away on a business trip to another city where no one there has a clue who he is.
N/B: This rule has no loophole. Even if you give your life to Christ & become “born again” it still counts as one life time.

20. A guy is permitted only one barber per city. This barber, besides his excellent hair cutting skills must meet the golden law:
When standing, a barber’s pelvic region must be lower or higher than (but never the same level as) his seated client’s head.
[This rule prevents a barber’s emergency boner from having to strike his client on the face or the back of the head.]

Just look at

Just look at

21. “Dangerously In Love” is the greatest Beyoncé song of all time & thus, it’s understandable for a guy to play this while thinking about the woman he intends to spend the rest of his life with. However, “Run The World(Girls)” is complete trash and should never be found on a guy’s iTunes.
N/B: Every guy, upon access to a lady’s laptop, must search for this song in her music folder, hold down the shift key & alter the words “F*ck that sh*t!” while aggressively striking the delete key.

22. A guy without the ability to grow facial hair has two options to make up for it:
-Work out at the gym for 28hrs a week to make up for it with a buff body.
-Take his life by jumping off a bridge.

23. Upon seeing a flying cockroach in the presence of a lady friend, a guy is to puff out his chest and tell his (presumably) freaked out lady friend “don’t worry baby, I’ll kill it”, walk out the room, let out a shriek (inaudible to the lady friend in the room), do 10 push-ups then go back there and kill it. Running away wouldn’t be such a bad idea.

24. When one of your buddies is pretending to be a celebrity in order to pick up a chic, all the remaining members of the crew are required to act star-struck and ask for a picture when they walk past him. Autographs are too damn suspicious in this part of the world.

25. A guy is required to carry his extremely wasted friend all the way home & leave a bottle of water & chow beside him. When he wakes up & the whole story of how you carried him home is being relayed to him, he is to express his gratitude of the kind gesture with only two words “My nigga!” & never speak of it again.

26. Just like a guy has his own preferred brand of beer (HEINEKEN!!) and/or rum (CRUZAN!!), a guy must have his own preferred brand of Newspaper which he must read at least 3 times a week. Seriously, you’re a man, read the damn papers & know about the happenings in the country.

27. Nature played a cruel prank us by making bananas go with nuts (groundnuts). While it is obviously not avoidable, there are rules for eating it:
-Two guys must never make eye contact while eating a banana.
-A guy eating a banana in public must break off part of it and eat but never put the whole thing in his mouth.
-A guy purchasing a banana must not complain/compliment the bananas & nuts. This is to avoid statements such as “Your banana too strong jor. You wan kill me?” or “This banana too soft. Be like say you no like me. Give me better banana jor”

28. A guy is to hold open the door of his car for a lady to enter except he has paid for her services or she is a feminist.

29. 3 things a guy must never admit to having no experience in; Driving a stick, killing a chicken and making a lady cum.

30. *To be filled by reader*

 

– RJ

Single Pringles

Why hello there. It’s been a hot minute right? My apologies really. I’m even tired of making apologies but thing is I’ve been mad busy with life, work, avoiding getting arrested and/or beat up and organizing the “Letters To My Ex” series on TNC which was a massive success by the way. What?! You missed that? Shit. Catch up here. I wrote Letter number 5.

So anyway, those letters successfully started off lots of conversations, responses and lots more. Some even craved the opportunity to respond and I couldn’t help but wonder what that’ll look like. So yeah, sooner than later or maybe later (so as not to overflog the letter writing), we’ll have our special letter series (you read it here first) Today however, I want to address a different issue.

address: different issue

LOOOOOOOOOOOL..I’m really so funny.

No?

Not even a bit?

😦

If you’ve been reading my stuff here of recent, you will note I’ve been writing quite a lot on relationships. I don’t even know why o, it’s not like I’m like @8plus9 or @thetoolsman that are experienced in these matters. It however might be because I’ve been reading their stuff a whole lot and they are influencing my thought process. Shut up! I say again, it’s not because I’m single. Anyway today, I got wondering and I don’t do that often but when I do, I really do. So I sat there and asked my self a question, I said “Self!” Self was like “yeah?” I’m like “Self, why are you single?” and self was like “you should ask yourself” and i looked at self like O_o , “I’m asking you though, why you asking me to ask myself?”, Self got all defensive and raised his voice by itself and was like “Why are you asking you? I said you should ask yourself!”

So that discussion berthed this topic: Ask YOURSELF, why are you single?

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Now I’m going to attempt to answer this question from different viewpoints, I may or may not be wrong and you might find that you belong to one or more of the categories. I don’t know.

– You’re Ugly.

Very-Funny-Ugly-People

See yeah, who makes the yardstick for what is ugly and what isn’t ugly?Who set the standards for beauty? Isn’t beauty in the eyes of the beholder? Aren’t Segoon Arinze, Bola Tinorbu and Razerk Awkoya married. The people that married them, do they not know beauty when they see it? Look if your excuse for being single is because you’re ugly, then you need to wake up from that thought, remove the tree trunk in your eye and find the woman that loves you for what..sorry, who you are. Facial constitution is not a barrier to love. That area boy that doesn’t even brush daily and looks like a rumpled paper from a 2B note still has one babe that calls him ‘onny’ on the regs. My friend, gather up your balls and walk up to that lady. Let your inner beauty speak for you! Let your charm and charisma sweep her off her feet! Let the baritone of your voice cause a dam to burst open in the region between her thighs! Let…ok, I’m getting carried away. You get my drift.

1- You don’t have money.

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So you’re the type of nigga that sets off bank alarms when you pass by becuase even the building can smell your broke ass from miles away. I mean, you’re so broke you don’t even get credit alerts simply because there’s no money to debit you from. But you love some babe, however you’ve been told that relationships are expensive and you need some finance to maintain the fuel of love. Let me tell you brethren; Money should not stop you from commiting to a woman. Look, do you think the Lord cannot bless you with a woman that is willing to ignore the absence of money? Oh? OH? I can hear the murmurings. Look my nigga, I’d have said ignore the things you see in Nollywood movies but I remembered your ass can’t even afford a TV. so yeah, here’s what you do: Find yourself a rich babe. HOW? I don’t know abeg.

2-You’re a Player.

MrBeanRonaldo_1153413663

Most guys today are single simply because they already have what they want. Do you know the pleasure that comes with having access to watch DSTV when you want without paying subscription? No aunty, tell me why that guy will commit to you when he’s already finished work? So yeah, guys have noticed that they can play trial matches for different clubs before deciding which club they’ll permanently join. So rather than put their all into impressing at the trials, they put up an average performances. These guys eventually get to the point where they realize that there’s more to life than playing but this realization might take forever. Be there forming player up and down o, continue. Until your mates all settle down and the only settling you’re doing is on your couch, eating regrets out of a paper bag while tears stream down your face. No continue…

3-You’re Handsome. Unlike the ugly ones, this group actually believe that they’re God’s gift to women. They feel like they were sculpted from the fabric of beauty itself. These guys walk abi float and act like they dont even shit. if they shit sef, their shit don’t stink. Their shit is probably what mars bars are made from. Enough of this shit. So yeah, they wait for the perfect woman that complements their looks but the snag is that they lack so much in personality, sense, manners and the basic things that make up a normal human being. Can you tell i’m pissed at their shit? Look, its not like I’m not fine. I mean, on a scale of 0 – Idrils Elba, I’m probably a Taye Diggs (yeah he does look like me) but yeah…You better stop deceiving yourself up and down, you think all the “OMG! You’re so fine” you get on IG make you some sort of superstar. My nigga, humble yourself and let the Lord exhalt you…or not. By the way, opposites attract, I’m just saying.

4- Your Member is too big.

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You’re actually a humanitarian because you’re considering the damage you will wreck if you attempt to put your baton inside her. This is why you’re single. I mean, people don’t appreciate what you’re doing because they don’t understand  but it’s ok my nigga. Your type is rare. Keep doing you. (Yes I mean masturbating). More grease to your…palms?

5- You’re Ugly and Broke . Brother, relationship is not for everyone 1 cor 7:8

6-You’re me

Well, I’m sure I haven’t exhausted all the reasons. There are likely more reasons why you’re single. Maybe because you’re waiting for a prticular babe to break up, maybe you don’t believe in dating before marriage (ehm, yes ke) or maybe you’ve just decided that you want to be an eunuch or something. If you’re single, please share your reasons and feel free to add more using the comments box. The “un-singles” are welcome too.

Turn Down for WHAT?!

I’m not even happy this morning.

Like I can’t even take this thing again. It’s just downright annoying and so I’ve decided to come talk about It here with the hope that the specie to whom this behaviour is commonplace with can fix up.

If you’ve ever loved a girl, then you’re probably familiar with heartbreak. The two are almost mutually inclusive as you cannot have one without the other. Note that I didn’t say “if you’re in a relationship” This is because these days, you don’t even have to be in a relationship to have your heart shattered into a million minute fragments. I’m just tired. Now don’t get it twisted, I’m not of the opinion that hearts shouldn’t be broken but my grouse is that if you’re going to do something so life defining, at least put some effort into it. Don’t just toss the nigga into a blender and watch him get ground to smithereens.

If you’re going to turn a guys’ advances down, Please don’t do it in a way that he becomes the Hitler of our time.

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Yes, In case you don’t know, Hitler became the way he became because some chick told him she wasn’t going to date him if he was the only figure on the calendar. Go on Wikipedia that.

Dear God, in this my life, I have heard the silliest reasons for turning a guy’s advances down. I mean you would think “NO” was more than a two letter word with the way you girls creatively come up with your reasons. How hard is it to say “No, I can’t date you?” But you people allow the devil and the host of hell to use you. You don’t have to add an explanation. Even if he looks like his whole world is about to crash, DON’T EXPLAIN!

Well, except he asks “why”

Please b, tell me whyyyy, please...

Please b, tell me whyyyy, please…

Here are some downright ridiculous responses I’ve heard in this my stellar lifetime

DISCLAIMER: The turn downs listed herein are not peculiar to me and may or not have been first hand experiences. These could be sourced as a result of various testimonies shared by fellow bros over bottles of Jack Daniels and cheeks  flowing with tears.

1. “It’s not you it’s me” This one is the most popular turn down ever. Like WTF do you mean, it’s not me. Haven’t you just evaluated my entire existence and come to the brain clogged conclusion that I’m not good enough. What stupid damage control are you trying to do? By saying it’s you, do you think that makes me feel better? Matter of fact, it doesn’t because you just insinuated that there’s something wrong with my tastes and choices.  So, In other words, I didn’t do my research well before approaching you? Your father must be a lesbian tadpole.

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2. “You’re like a brother to me” You must be very stupid. You know the most annoying thing about this reason? Most times, the guy has invested so much into this pre-asking period. Homie has probably taken her on dates, dinners. Movies etc. My guy has likely even at some point mentioned how much he has in his bank account. See yeah, brotherman has entered his td Jakes “Naked & not ashamed” mode and just when he thinks there is nothing that could go wrong, Aunty puts him in the dreaded “like a brother zone” It’s not even like she puts him in the bro zone, e for better. The “like a brother” zone is non-confirmatory. It’s a “I don’t know what you are to me, but it’s somewhere between a brother and not a brother” In other words, “you confuse me” In other words “you’re a confusion”  If you’re in this zone, brother, you might want to drink rat poison while chewing on cockroaches.

Real

Real

3. “I like you too much to spoil what we have with a relationship” WHAT?!!! LMAOOOOO…This is similar to saying “I love playing FIFA but I don’t want to win a game so I don’t play” Does this make any iota of sense? It’s sayings like these that make me sometimes believe girls have ofio and sawdust where their brains ought to be. If you like him, what’s wrong with a relationship? Why not tell him the truth? This truth is probably (a. You don’t have money (b. She likes someone more (c. You smell (d. You really smell (e. You smell really bad. It’s never sex because she likely hasn’t had sex with you. Girls ain’t gon’ give the box up to some nigga who smells like a skunk wearing ammonium perfume. But yeah, it’s always better to just let out the truth.

4. “You’re a great guy but…” Look, if you ever hear this as opening statement, It’s ok to just stop her mid-sentence, shut her up, leave the location and never come back again. This is because what will follow will definitely fuck up your self-esteem for generations. Save yourself the damage. See, if not you’ll hear shit like “…you’re not just my type”, “…we can’t ever be together. “…You’re short and I want my kids to have a father they can look up to” or “…no one wants a 4 inch fully erect dick” See? Flee my nigga

There’s many more I’m sure but space won’t let me exhaust them all. I know you guys have experienced much more,  Here’s some…

g5PeD

Ladies, I love you and all but let that guy down easy. The truth is always better but if it’s going to hurt real bad, then shut the hell up and just say “no” Some scars are hard to remove and rather than be the witch appearing in his nightmares, be as nice as you can. If he can however handle the truth and keeps pressing for an explanation, then drop it like it’s hot .

Lastly, ladies I beg you…

Don’t be the one to suggest “Let’s still be friends”