Presidential Speech

 

 

 

 

 

I don’t know who wrote this. Ehen!
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My Fellow Nigerians,

I have read with deep surprise the reports on various matters affecting our nation. I have also been briefed by my aides on the uproar caused by these events. Let me assure you that I am fully aware of all that is going on. The truth is you people will not even allow somebody to rest. You actually think I left the comfort of my home in Bayelsa to come to Abuja and be daily bombarded with problems? Is that how you people were raised, what manner of home training do you have? But it’s ok, I am aware.

Every morning, i wake up, sometimes I brush my teeth, other times, I just grab a drink and I’m good to go. But there is no day when I don’t have the issues of the country on my mind. You people will just think that because I look like a mix of confusion and imbecility I’m clueless. Haven’t you heard that the lion that wants to strike doesn’t change its facial expression?

A lot of concern has been raised over security in our nation, permit me to say I have it under control. Whether you permit me or not, I’ll say it, afterall, I A. belle John remain the President of this nation. I was watching the news the other day and I saw news about the abduction of some girls from their school. It was reported that the school was infiltrated (see the big word I used there?) by unknown men and over 200 girls were taken. The truth is this happens everyday. I remember when I was deputy governor that time, we used to send our aides to the universities and they return with sometimes 50, sometimes 100 girls. I’m just wondering who the man must be that has the capacity to move 200 at once. I mean, what kind of party is he about to have? Can he even handle 200? As bad as I am, my record is like 50, but that one time when Igbins was around, I think we did like 80.

My fellow Nigerians, My attention was drawn to the social media, I think they call it twitter and I saw you people talking about #BringBackOurGirls This is why I brought facebook to Nigeria because I didn’t quite understand. Hold on, I have a call…

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I just spoke to my SA on Media matters, Robin Agbaya and he asks me to ignore all the things you people are saying there.  What do you people want me to say sef? Who exactly are we asking to bring back the girls? I have learned over time not to involve myself in matters that don’t concern me so yes. Some have raised eyebrows to the reports of my trip to Ibadan after the Nyanya blast. What is really wrong with you people? I cancelled my trip and was back in Abuja on the day of the blast, Didn’t you people see me in deep thought pondering the state of matters? DO YOU KNOW HOW QUICK I HAD TO PERFECT THAT POSE? You people don’t even know my story.

Yes, I went back to Ibadan the day after. The Olabadan was turning 100. Is it everyday somebody turns 100? Do you know how much he gave to my campaign? Do you know how many votes he was able to get for me? You people will just wake up and be talking anyhow because of freedom of speech. Don’t come and put san-san inside my garri pls. Me miss out on that amala just like that? you people play too much.

Fellow Nigerians, I had my media chat some days ago and let me just explain some of my statements because it’s like you people are not as smart as I am. Someone asked a question on corruption and i said “The word corruption is over used, even a common thief is now called corrupt”What did I say that is French now? Is every thief corrupt? was Robin Hood corrupt? Was he not stealing for the good of the people? When you take meat from your mother’s pot, does that make you corrupt or hungry? Ehen. I was further questioned on the Missing oil money, Like I said, is it today that money started missing in Nigeria? Is it in my regime that oil money started to dissapear, Then i said  “$20Billion is a lot of money, where will you hide it that people will not know?. America will know and will tell you where it is”.  Shebi America knows everything? Is it wrong to tell the truth again?

Lastly, someone asked about the petroleum minister’s restraining order. Look, I stand by my words ” I am not aware that the Minister of petroleum has gone to court to stop investigation”. Maybe someone went on her behalf o, I don’t know, Maybe she went to suspend the investigation o, I don’t know, But you people should leave me and dezi dezi in peace. In fact, we need to go to Brazil to represent Nigeria at the World Cup. Yes.

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As I end this speech, let me use this medium to state here that I don’t know what patty smokes sometimes. I don’t know how she got herself on TV and so expertly embarassed my family and generations unborn. I watched that shit on NTA and I’m like who let the dog out? Sometimes I question my “till death do us part” vows because the woman is doing all she can to kill me. My God is bigger sha. It’s no wonder she’s named Patience. she’s taught me that. Fellow Nigerians, as I end this speech, let me leave you with the words of the Immortal philosopher 2face Idibia: “Nothin’ dey happen”

God bless the fedreal republic.

PDP 2015

100th Post

Hi.

Bye.

I kid.

100 Posts!!! Whoop!!! Like Wow! We’ve done 100 posts on this blog. Take a bow guys @cumical and @TheGreyGenesis and all you wonderful people who have contributed via guest posts, series etc. Y’all are far too kind. We couldn’t have done it without you. Well, we could actually, but that’s not the point. No we aren’t cocky…Anyway yeah, Thanks. Free reading for all of you.

So to today’s matter…

Most times, I get phone alerts about people subscribing to TSC and then my conscience pricks me especially when we haven’t put anything up on the site. It’s sort of like “hey, I heard your blog was dope and all, I read it and yeah, I think it is. So I’m subscribing so that I can get immediate alerts when you put up new shit” Then this my stupid conscience goes like “But look at yourself, you haven’t put up anything for these guys to read, how do you feel?” Then I tell my conscience to shut up because he don’t have the answers!!!

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So here I am today, after such a battle. As you can tell, I lost.

Anyway, it’s December and hey! That means Christmas right? Celebrations, decorations, events, gifts and all that stuff. Not my favourite time of the year to be quite honest because when you consider the funds that go into the season, you can’t help but weep. Usually, I’d do a post on how guys can escape the pressure of Christmas or how babes can get the most out of their man this Christmas but I’m quite responsible these days. I’ve seen the light and like Saul on the road to Damascus, my life and name has changed. Call me Snoop going forward please.

So what are we going to be learning today?

I don’t really know to be quite honest. I mean, I can’t start sharing on how we guys have this problem that happens to our phones around Christmas time. You know, somehow, our lines just can’t receive good network and when you call us, we can’t hear you. Sometimes, our phones even decide NOT to ring out. Like you’re calling us, it’s ringing but we don’t hear shit. I still haven’t unravelled the mystery behind that. No don’t think we aren’t picking your call, it’s most likely network problem. Oh, you sent a text, a BBM/Whatsapp message; DM’d us and left a comment on our IG page? Oh shit! You must not have heard that this same network problem bars us from replying messages sent over the internet. Crazy right? I don’t even understand myself. By the way, I did something there

Or should I share on how we become SOOOO BUSY this period? Like how our schedule just becomes mad tight and ALL OF A SUDDEN we start working late hours and on weekends? No, don’t think we’re trying to avoid going shopping with you because we know that our bank accounts will never be the same, nahhh it’s not that. It’s also not because we know that the price of stuff becomes ridiculously expensive and we’d cry after the shopping experience. It’s really just because we want to work harder to secure a brighter future and we really, really are very busy -__-

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Oh yes yes!!! Rhythm Unplugged, Ovation Red Carol and all those shows. Maybe I should talk about how you want us to get VIP tickets to these events. It’s not that we can’t o, It’s just that we learnt something special this year called delayed gratification. Look, what is the use of spending over N100,000 on one ticket when we could just buy the CD’s of these guys? Oh you want the live experience? Ok, tell your friends to record for you.

What to write?

HAYYYY!!! Let’s talk about the ladies and their amazing expectations at Christmas. I mean, why are you expecting a Christmas gift? Is it your birthday? When did you change name to Jesus? Pls whose birthday did you go for that you received a gift? Why are you now hustling your guy for a gift when you damn well were not born on the day? It’s even annoying because some of you now write an entire list. Please what is this thing you women smoke? Fix up ladies, Fix up.

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It could be easy to talk about those ladies that actually hustle to ensure they are in a relationship in December. Most of these females have a short term plan of 3 months. Don’t be surprised, It’s quite strategic, see 3 months is December –February. Just enough time to garner enough gifts between Christmas and Valentine’s Day. Hahaha…you sly women you. We know your ways o. Little wonder statistics show that there are more single men between December and January and the rate of break ups in November and December are the highest.

Smh

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Oh! Oh! Oh! How about we talk about those guys that stylishly ask their babes “baby, sooooo what are your plans for this Christmas?” Let me just tell you; No guy wants to hear “well, I’m thinking we’ll spend it together, maybe attend some events and just lie in each other’s arms..” HELL-FRIGGIN-NO!!! What we want to hear is “popsy and mumsy are talking about going to the villa” YESSSSSS!!! Please can you go? Can you also, maybe go to a village where there’s no internet access and crappy phone network? Look, let me just tell you, your man? He wants his space, he don’t want you around, homeboy don’t wanna turn up with ya. Oh, you think he’s been praying that ASUU calls off the strike just so your education can move forward? Nah b…he wants you away.

DISCLAIMER: I don’t do any of this shit.

Heck, I didn’t even write anything.

I still don’t know what to write on.

D.P.M.O

Yo guys,

Always a pleasure to have you guys on here. Look ehn, I’m not even going to pretend like I have a planned out post for you guys. My brain has taken a forceful break and I can’t seem to kick-start it. Anyway, I was reading through realbuzz magazine the other day and came across an article listing 7 things guys dislike that girls do and vice versa. I think I’m going to just list them out here and leave the stage for you guys to agree, disagree and more importantly add yours to the list.

Let’s start with the guys:

Things guys do that annoy girls:

Annoying male habit 1: Adjusting our private parts: I can’t even explain the origin of this ancient technique nor state why some of us men enjoy handling our member especially in public. Maybe it’s for security purposes; you know checking to see that no one has stolen your organ while you’re standing at the bus stop? The first person to do this must have been igbo tho…um yeah.

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Annoying male habit 2: Selective hearing: You know how we can ignore everything people say that does not have the words “food” and “sex” in it? Yeah that. Ladies hate it when we don’t listen. Just look, their face changes from original to something resembling the hulk

Annoying male habit 3: Leaving a trail of mess: we are men duhhhhh. Growing up, our parents made up clean up every mess, we went to schools that made us pick pieces of dirt, Now we are in our own house, can we be allowed to leave it as messy as we like? Meanwhile, its not messy if we know where everything is. We like our mess.

Annoying male habit 4: Leaving the remnants of our shaving session in the sink. So a sink is not a bathroom dustbin? My bad

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Annoying male habit 5: Man flu: hahahaha…Guys, you know that thing we do when we have “a cold” and we start shivering and lie in bed all day? You know we’re really not that sick, we are just craving hot peppersoup and some TLC. Ladies hate that because I mean, they have 9 months of pain and we are here forming dying over small constipation

Annoying male habit 6: Spending all our money on technical stuff. Lady thought process: “Why is he buying the S4 when he still has an S3? Why is he buying an LED Screen when he has an LCD?” What ladies want: “Give us that money so we can go shopping with it”

Annoying male habit 7: Leaving the toilet seat up: The troublesome toilet seat; who would have known it could cause such a fuss? Indeed, no list of men’s annoying habits is complete without the classic toilet seat argument. I don’t even understand why this is a problem. If we leave the seat down, they will complain, if we leave it up they still complain. Sometimes this is why guys find the nearest bush or street corner to dispose of their liquids. Someone should tell these ladies that a toilet seat has never killed anyone, so they should chill.

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Now let’s study these women and their OMG annoying habits:

Annoying female habit 1: Making an anniversary out of everything: “OMG did you know that today is the anniversary for our two years and seventeen days together as a couple? It’s the anniversary of our DSTVs first signal loss, let’s exchange gifts and pop champagne”. Dear God…

Annoying female habit 2: Piling the bed with cushions: Most times I don’t understand if the bed is for rest or location for fancy throw pillows and cushions. What are these things and why are they taking up all the space? I actually can sleep with just ONE pillow thank you.

Annoying female habit 3: Asking us what we’re thinking: This question is a trick question because what she’s really asking is: “Are you thinking about me right now?” If you say nothing, she’ll get hurt and say you don’t wanna share with her. If you tell her you’re thinking of how to afford the new S4, she’ll ask “am I boring you?” It’s a no-win situation. You need God’s grace

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Annoying female habit 4: Saying ‘I’m fine’, when you’re not happy: I think in some parallel universe, men are mind readers because I don’t understand why we are expected to decode the exact problems from this statement. Then she’ll give you the look that says “so you’re really going to believe I’m fine and not prod further?” See ehn, these women are a problem

Annoying female habit 5:  Using sex as a weapon: Women that do this are the devil. I mean we had an argument and then you go retrieve your pum padlock and lock it up? You don’t see us go hide all our drinks when we get angry. We do not carry the TV out of the house when we are vexed. Why mess with our basic needs so?

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Annoying female habit 6: Being over-emotional: Olivia Pope is on the screen crying (abi laughing same facial expression anyway) and you’re crying, Rihanna is smoking in her video and you’re crying, You’re tweeting and YOU. ARE. CRYING. Please how the hell are we supposed to know when you are in real pain? I mean…

Annoying female habit 7: Incessant talking: Records show that women say a total of at least 20,000 words in a day while men have 7,000. This is because we do other useful shit like play FIFA 13. It’s ok for a woman to talk, I mean, use 19,800 of your words with your friends, we will manage 200. And please pick the right times to speak not while Wayne Rooney is through on goal.

 

Piss Off

 

Do you agree guys/girls? Did I leave anything out? Please feel free to add it via the comment section, Cheers