Presidential Speech

 

 

 

 

 

I don’t know who wrote this. Ehen!
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My Fellow Nigerians,

I have read with deep surprise the reports on various matters affecting our nation. I have also been briefed by my aides on the uproar caused by these events. Let me assure you that I am fully aware of all that is going on. The truth is you people will not even allow somebody to rest. You actually think I left the comfort of my home in Bayelsa to come to Abuja and be daily bombarded with problems? Is that how you people were raised, what manner of home training do you have? But it’s ok, I am aware.

Every morning, i wake up, sometimes I brush my teeth, other times, I just grab a drink and I’m good to go. But there is no day when I don’t have the issues of the country on my mind. You people will just think that because I look like a mix of confusion and imbecility I’m clueless. Haven’t you heard that the lion that wants to strike doesn’t change its facial expression?

A lot of concern has been raised over security in our nation, permit me to say I have it under control. Whether you permit me or not, I’ll say it, afterall, I A. belle John remain the President of this nation. I was watching the news the other day and I saw news about the abduction of some girls from their school. It was reported that the school was infiltrated (see the big word I used there?) by unknown men and over 200 girls were taken. The truth is this happens everyday. I remember when I was deputy governor that time, we used to send our aides to the universities and they return with sometimes 50, sometimes 100 girls. I’m just wondering who the man must be that has the capacity to move 200 at once. I mean, what kind of party is he about to have? Can he even handle 200? As bad as I am, my record is like 50, but that one time when Igbins was around, I think we did like 80.

My fellow Nigerians, My attention was drawn to the social media, I think they call it twitter and I saw you people talking about #BringBackOurGirls This is why I brought facebook to Nigeria because I didn’t quite understand. Hold on, I have a call…

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I just spoke to my SA on Media matters, Robin Agbaya and he asks me to ignore all the things you people are saying there.  What do you people want me to say sef? Who exactly are we asking to bring back the girls? I have learned over time not to involve myself in matters that don’t concern me so yes. Some have raised eyebrows to the reports of my trip to Ibadan after the Nyanya blast. What is really wrong with you people? I cancelled my trip and was back in Abuja on the day of the blast, Didn’t you people see me in deep thought pondering the state of matters? DO YOU KNOW HOW QUICK I HAD TO PERFECT THAT POSE? You people don’t even know my story.

Yes, I went back to Ibadan the day after. The Olabadan was turning 100. Is it everyday somebody turns 100? Do you know how much he gave to my campaign? Do you know how many votes he was able to get for me? You people will just wake up and be talking anyhow because of freedom of speech. Don’t come and put san-san inside my garri pls. Me miss out on that amala just like that? you people play too much.

Fellow Nigerians, I had my media chat some days ago and let me just explain some of my statements because it’s like you people are not as smart as I am. Someone asked a question on corruption and i said “The word corruption is over used, even a common thief is now called corrupt”What did I say that is French now? Is every thief corrupt? was Robin Hood corrupt? Was he not stealing for the good of the people? When you take meat from your mother’s pot, does that make you corrupt or hungry? Ehen. I was further questioned on the Missing oil money, Like I said, is it today that money started missing in Nigeria? Is it in my regime that oil money started to dissapear, Then i said  “$20Billion is a lot of money, where will you hide it that people will not know?. America will know and will tell you where it is”.  Shebi America knows everything? Is it wrong to tell the truth again?

Lastly, someone asked about the petroleum minister’s restraining order. Look, I stand by my words ” I am not aware that the Minister of petroleum has gone to court to stop investigation”. Maybe someone went on her behalf o, I don’t know, Maybe she went to suspend the investigation o, I don’t know, But you people should leave me and dezi dezi in peace. In fact, we need to go to Brazil to represent Nigeria at the World Cup. Yes.

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As I end this speech, let me use this medium to state here that I don’t know what patty smokes sometimes. I don’t know how she got herself on TV and so expertly embarassed my family and generations unborn. I watched that shit on NTA and I’m like who let the dog out? Sometimes I question my “till death do us part” vows because the woman is doing all she can to kill me. My God is bigger sha. It’s no wonder she’s named Patience. she’s taught me that. Fellow Nigerians, as I end this speech, let me leave you with the words of the Immortal philosopher 2face Idibia: “Nothin’ dey happen”

God bless the fedreal republic.

PDP 2015

DemoCrazy

Dear Mr President or any Government official reading this. This is a joke. I swear, none of this is true. It’s just a figment of the writer’s imagination. Please if for any reason you decide to seek out the person that wrote this and deal with him, His handle is @Terdoh and I really don’t know him. No, in fact, I have never heard of him. This article is strictly his doing. In fact, I had no hand in it. If you want his number and all other contact details, I shall gladly supply it just to show how patriotic I am to your government and your work. It’s not like i personally have it cos like I said, I don’t know him. I’ll sha ask around. Anything for my country.

Tuale!

@Sirkastiq

*****

By @TERDOH

My fellow Nigerians…

(_)Qama_2

LOL “fellow Nigerians”. Who wrote this shit?

My fellow Nigerians, it is with great pleasure that I address you this morning. It has been 14 years since General Adbulsalami Abubakar and his cap handed over the reins of power to democracy. I think he only did that because they agreed to put him on the new 20 Naira note, He’s been waiting and now he’s got white beards and all but that’s an issue for #AskOBJ. Not me…

As for my own, it’s been 3 years since Yar’ Adua died and left me to rule the country, and everyone who has seen my handwork knows that I have done a very great job so far. When you consider the fact that he didn’t leave a manual of operation or even the location of the remote for the big screen TV in the lounge. So if you don’t mind, for my anniversary, I’d like to just talk about a few of my accomplishments as president.

These things are already there for alliyou to see, but for posterity sake and for tales to tell your kids, here goes:

For my CV…

First of all, I would like you all to know that I was the one… *beats chest* in power *adjusts GEJ hat™* when Nigeria won the AFCON games. Did you see that goal by Sunday Mba? That was me. While I was president…haha! Obasanjo never did this. Don’t compare us. What? You ask how that is an accomplishment? Are you joking? Do you know how I stood by those boys? Do you know how i supported Keshi when he said he was vexed and was going to quit if I didn’t grant him access to my bed chamb…

Wait. who wrote this shit?

Yes Sir, press my breast..Oooh AAhhh

Yes Sir, press my breast..Oooh AAhhh

I know you people are already bringing up the issue of Boko Haram and what not? First of all, I would like to say that these Hausa people are crazy. I don’t understand why they couldn’t do all this while Yar’ Adua was here. I can’t speak their language. They be trying to talk to me…but their English is a lot more advanced than I expected. I can’t dea…

Really, who wrote this? I think this part is making me look bad. I’m going to skip it.

As for how we’re dealing with the issue, I offered them Amnesty, thinking they wouldn’t even know what it meant, but they said they should be the ones offering us amnesty. So I guess now we’ll just have to leave it in the hands of God..

As you all know, we declared states of emergency in all the affected states and even though we caused all the members of Boko Haram to move to other states of the country, I think we have everything under control and we know exactly what we’re doing.

What do you people mean that’s  not enough? What do you want from me? Do i look like I do Black Magic? No seriously, you guys expect me to strap myself up and take them on one by one? I mean, I would but the way my Presidency is set up…Anyway, if you’re feeling generous and want to lay down your life for your nation, pls click here

There is also the issue of electricity that we have obviously solved. Electricity is now constant in Aso Rock and evidently in other parts of the country because when I tune to Africa Magic on the telly I always see that there is light in your homes. You don’t see anyone running generators so yeah, I am convinced the situation is as perfect as it will ever be right now, and this is all thanks to the Goodluck Ebele Jonathan regime. No need to thank me, just doing my job.

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I’m glad that we put the #OccupyNigeria thing behind us. As soon as the memory has faded from your hearts, there shall be full removal of subsidy and such. We might also increase the fuel price a little, because Obasanjo came here every year and increased the price and you guys didn’t say anything. I wonder whether it’s because I’m the most good looking president you’ve had in a while that’s why you think you can just rise up and protest anyhow. I don’t know. But I’m increasing the price soon enough.

Be expectant.

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My fellow Nigerians…

*chuckles* As if…

My fellow Nigerians, there are so many things I would like to address. The issue of food is simply non-existent. Because if we have a state with “The food basket” in their slogan, I see no reason why you should complain. Open the ground and put something inside, lazy man. At a point in my life, I had no shoes, so don’t you dare complain. The issue of water is also nonsense. Because I hear the roads are flooded. If there is water on the streets, there should also be water in your homes. Boil it.

Don’t argue

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This country was built by hardworking Nigerians. I intend to make sure this generation continues with the values our ancestors left behind; Faith in God mostly, because prayer solves all things. I know religion is probably tearing this country apart, but In God We Trust. Keep calm and pray more, there is really no need to blame the president.

But as always, I know what I’m doing.

Okay, I’m starting to like this speech. It’s making me look good. I should promote the head of the speech-writing committee…

Jobs. Yes, jobs… Look, Steve is dead. He was my very good friend before he passed and you don’t see me shouting his name up and down. Get over it and move on…Oh! there’s no employment? Who told you that? The people working, do they have two heads? If you can’t find something to do, please start singing. What’s the name of that boy that was staying in Ojuelegba Shitta but is now singing “Jaiye Jaiye?” Is he not like you? Please miss me with all that unemployment shit. it doesn’t work.

I would also like to point out that number porting was made possible while I was in tenure. I know you’re gonna say I had no hand in the technical aspect but think about it. If I said no, do you think Saka would be dancing in yellow lace everywhere? You’re all very welcome. OBJ might have brought GSM to Nigeria but i brought Porting. You can’t tell me nothing.

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In conclusion, the elections are coming up in 2 years. Apparently, I’m not allowed to run for a second term because of something I might have said in the past. Look, let bygones be bygones. As far as I’m concerned, come 2015, I will send my wife to talk to you people, and let her talk till she has convinced you to vote for me.

God Bless Nigeria.

PDP 2015.

By @TERDOH

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Just gotta make sure I capitalized the name of the writer, you know just so there’s no mix up. Yep, I’m nice like that. In the meantime, we are still receiving your entries for the AARRGGHH section. We shall start putting up your articles from next week. Don’t know what AARRGGHH is about? Click and catch up.

Make Me Understand.

DEEEESCLAIMAAARGGHHHHHHHHOIIWVNFDNKVEISUBJVDX!!!!!!!!!

That’s “Disclaimer” by the way.

I love muslims yo! Many of my really close friends are staunch Muslims. And even though some of your brothers be fucking up shit in various parts of the country and the world, I want to believe y’all don’t all have the same mindset.

Some o’ y’all cool as corpses.

So, I have nothing against the Muslims. This is mostly jokes. You know, make dark of a light situation.

Also, I was under the influence. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Matter of fact, I didn’t even write this shit! Take it up with blog admin…

Wait… I am blog admin.

Just read. Okay?

I know y’all going “Damn, a real disclaimer”. Yeah bitches. I don’t want to get shot when I’m peeing on the road or some crazy shit like that. 50 got shot, Biggie got shot, Pac got shot, Cumical can’t even rap.

Believe me, I tried.

See? I tried…

SO I’M JOKING OH!! ABEG!

***

I was sitting around hitting a blunt, when the blunt looked and me and said “You know what I don’t understand? How do suicide bombers get convinced to become suicide bombers? I mean, if I asked you to die while killing people, would you?” and I stared at the blunt and I could only think of one response:

“A talking blunt! This is some good shit!”

Then I fainted, and I dreamt about the recruitment process n shit…

*Cumical leaves his senses*

***

Scene opens with a dude in a turban, a white tee and grey shorts with matching toms who steps into a sound proof room and seals the door. He faces a class of about 15 male students and starts talking.

Suicide Trainer: Do you ignorant fools know why we are here?

First Student: To blow shit up nigguh!

Suicide Trainer: Islam does not permit the use of expletives infidel. I ask again, does anyone know why we are here.

Student: I’m guessing we finna make some money?

Suicide Trainer: Did you read the sign on the door before you applied for this?

Student: Nah, I read the invitation on twitter

Suicide Trainer: Nigga what? There was an invitation on twitter?

Student: Yeah dawg. Some @BokoHaram_ dude tweeted that if we wanted to make money for our families; we should show up for a training program and what not. And that we will be rewarded in the life that is important ‘n’ shit.

Suicide Trainer: So you have no idea why you are here? Nobody?

Student in turban: We’re here to defend ourselves, and kill the infidels!

Suicide Trainer: That’s what I’m talmbout niccuh! High five!

Student in front: For real? That’s why we’re here?

Suicide Trainer: That’s what’s on the menu, yes. Are you in or out?

Student: Depends. What’s in it for us?

Suicide Trainer: *sigh* The human nature. Well first, your families will be rewarded. Richly, we will ensure their safety, and their comfort. We will make sure that they enjoy the finer things in life. It really is…

Student: I’m not sure you heard me sir. I asked what was in it for us. Let me be more specific. What’s in it for ME?

Suicide Trainer: Oh, well… nothing. You die ‘n’ shit.

Student: You’re kidding right. I yell some stuff and fly into a building and that’s it? I don’t get nothing? I just…die?

Suicide Trainer: Uhm…Yeah.

Student: That’s some ol’ bullshit nigga. I’m out.

*gets up to leave and is followed by some others in support*

Suicide Trainer: Well, you do stand to win one thing…

Students: What?

Suicide Trainer: *lowers voice* Bitches…

Student in the back: I KNEW THERE WERE SOME BENEFITS! FRINGE BENEFITS MA NIGGA! THAT’S WHAT I’M TALMBOUT! WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY THIS AT FIRST? HOT DAMN! I’M FINNA GET ME SOME…

Suicide Trainer: SHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Other Student in the front: Yo! Break it down, what kinda bitches? White bitches? Black bitches? East Indian bitches? Australian bitches? Asian bitches? Big booty bitches? Flat titty bitches? Be specific ma nig…

Suicide Trainer: Uhm…all kinds of bitches.

Student: How many? Cos ma fantasy has always been having more than two bitches at a time yo!

Suicide Trainer: Calm yo Islamic titties.

Student: WE’RE WASTING QUALITY TIME WITH BITCHES YO…

Suicide Trainer: 5 bitches.

Student: Nigga, I ALREADY got mo’ than 5 bitches! Shit, I got 5 bitches waiting for me at home right now.

Suicide Trainer: Did I say 5? I meant 50.

Random Student: Don’t lie to us dawg. What’s the actual number? 5 or 50? Let us know!? Give us a straight figure!

Suicide Trainer: *sighs* Let’s see. *counts in the air* 72.

Student: Did you say seven to two? Anything less than 10, and we out niccuh!

Suicide Trainer: Seven-ty-two

Student: Seve…seventy two bitches? Hot damn!

Suicide Trainer: Yeah nigga, Did I mention they were virgins?

Student: 72 Virgin bitches?

Suicide Trainer: Yep! 72 bitches. With big ass titties n shit! Got that body so soft they call her “Body so soft”. So…are you in or out?

*students who were standing all take their seats*

Suicide Trainer: Good. We shall begin. First, we will put you on airplanes with no emergency eject seats, so y’all don’t bitch out in the last minute n all that. Next, we will…

***

*Cumical comes back to his senses*

And this, my friends is how recruits are gathered to me. I put myself in their shoes, and in my head, I could not come up with any LOGICAL explanation as to why a fully grown (sometimes educated), common-sense-having human being with brain matter between his earlobes would lay down his life for the sole purpose of destroying others’ except that he was looking forward to some virgin pussy like Joseph.

Well, I hope you don’t get disappointed…like Joseph.

As a matter of fact, you will, but let’s just assume you don’t get disappointed. You get to ‘heaven’ to meet 72 bitches with their hymens fully present. (I’m guessing they died as virgins on earth? Or they are beings specially created for the pleasure of your penis?) Say you focus on one new virgin every week, in 504 days (roughly a year and a half), you’re done with virgin pussy.

What next nigga?

You have orgies? Awesome. #Winning

Give or take, two years down the line in eternity, even if you’re having sex once a day, you’ve done every style imaginable, and penetrated every hole conceivable, counting ear holes, nostrils and even down to sweat pores.

You. Sick. Bastard…

So 3 years of mind blowing sex.

Then what?

Eternity. Is. Forever.

Y’all niggas gotta chill. Here’s what I suggest:

The government oughta get some virgins all up in a building n shit. Potential Suicide Bombers walk in, pick 72 of them bitches, and walk the fuck out. No harm done and what not. I’m telling you. Start the Give-The-Bombers-Some-Pussy™ initiative. Matter of fact, put me in charge. I’ll manage that shit so well, we’ll all be in peace.

Imma write the proposal tonight!

Okay, this is all jokes, but really. What’s the point of the suicide bombings? I understand that these folk are trying to pass a message across and what not, and that’s an issue for another day. How does a man become convinced to fly into a building with bombs all around his balls if not for afterlife punani? If that’s not the reason, how come there aren’t many female suicide bombers?

Explain this to me.