7 (or 6) Habits of Highly Annoying People

“This world is not my home, I’m just passing through.”

The problem is I don’t know where I’m going so basically we just dey go innit? In my few years on earth, I’ve come across different types of people. These include the smart, beautiful, aesthetically challenged and the downright weird amongst others. I don’t mean to bore you and I apologize if I’ve done that thus far. Anyway, the reason we’re here is cos I posted a link and you’re interested in reading what TSC has to say today. That’s basically it. Do you guys have those friends that do random dumb shit that makes your jaw fall to the floor? Am I the only one who knows people who eat bread and okro and feel like they don’t have a severe problem in their life? Today, I’m going to be sharing on such annoying behaviour. Before you adjust comfortably into your seat, just know that if you dip bread inside tea and/or eat cereal with hot water then you are also part of the problem in this world. You are the reason the Malaysian plane dissapeared.

          People that don’t drink water till they finish eating: Please keep your medical explanation in your pocket. If you’re among the sad people that do this, then you need serious deliverance. You people that do this are the ones who go to the toilet to release your shit and the toilet silently screams “I can’t take this shit” Fam, these niggas drop shit more toxic than what Hiroshima experienced. I can tell who you are by whether you drink water during meals or not. Be there thinking you’re living healthy; you’re really just a health hazard. Maybe because you’ve not swallowed hot eba before; that kind of eba that makes you open your mouth and transforms your hand to fan. Nah, you’ve not jammedLEE –          Those of you that answer phone calls, Instant messages with “Hmmm, this one that you remembered me today…” Look, you’re the reason our so called leaders don’t just have sense. The last time I checked, communication was two-way. If the person on the other side of the line hasn’t hollered at you in a minute, I don’t think it’s out of place for you to have been the bigger one, but guess what? You didn’t because you’re just an equal pant. Stop this behaviour before you miss heaven. Another variation are those ones that see you after a long while and say “you, you’ve forgotten me o”  Somehow, I have successfully managed to not beat up these ones. The Lord really works in mysterious ways.

-You Niggas that RT your own tweets, praise etc. I actually understand these ones. They didn’t get love while growing up, no hugs, no chocolates, and no appreciation. This is why they see the need to share with the ‘world’ once something nice is said about them.

twitter-retweet

But you guys have the IQ of a rusted nail to be very honest. Have you ever hi-fived yourself? That’s basically what you do when you display this act of utter ridiculousity.  You’re like “Oh! This person thinks I’m amazing so I’m going to share this with all of you because I’m usually an idiot, I don’t get this all the time so yeah…” Pathe-friggin-tic. Might as well say these guys are the ones that grow up and commit suicide.

–          BeyHivians and Rihannavians – Gosh! I always want to slap sense into all of you and then introduce a hot iron to your face for edge smoothening. I understand fanaticism because c’mon I’m a football fan but come the hell on, why you trying so hard to convince us that you know how many panties Bey has in her pantie locker? The annoying thing is not that you’re a fan, noooo. It’s how hard you try to prove it.  Beyonce uses the word ‘flawless’ and all of a sudden you wake up every day like that although we really know you woke up looking like badly wrapped amala. But in the eyes of the Bey fans, she can do no wrong.  Just look at these guys…

beyonce-3 Bey fans crayyyy

jayzinst5

Then there’s the Navy; You would think that Rihanna fans will mostly be chimamandists, sorry feminists (I mean after what Mr Breezy did to her) but i don’t even know. Rihanna fans are all about the sexiness that she oozes. quick to classify Beyonce as “forcing it” but they themselves couldn’t be sexy if sexy was slapped on their forehead. LOL. It’s always cute observing the banter when both camps are at it, I’m just here waiting for the scandal that will erupt when we hear that one of them is sleeping with the other one’s man. or wait, that has happened right?

Rihanna go gets a chest tat, and you decide to get the same even though you have a bag of rice as belly. rih

I guess this is something that’ll never go away and I might as well accept it yeah? Sigh. Sadly, there’s a new Lupitarian movement arising, although if you study these mitts carefully, you’ll discover most of them are closet Beyhivians.. Lord, deliver us.

–          You people that have made the “Jenifa” speak your way of life. No it’s not the use of “as in” or “it’s like”, it’s those of you that actually make conscious effort to speak like her. Dear Lord, I’d prefer listening to someone scratch their nails on a chalkboard. How do you not know that this makes you sound like you were raised by retards and you’re now the official poster boy/girl of retards inc worldwide. So this is just a suggestion o, It’s not like I’m mandating you to comply but you might just wanna considering giving yourself some sense and quit talking like you had no primary education. Although I think I’m taking a big gamble by assuming you did.

–          Chewing with your mouth open. Ask Lucifer why he was really cast from heaven. Ask Easy E why he got clapped. Ask Omojuwa why the SSS manhandled him. This is also the real reason Mandela fought for liberation. I can’t understand people that chew with their mouths open; your upper lip and lower lip aren’t just there for kissing, they are there to be shut tight while your teeth mashes food into swallow-able form. But some of your put the disgust in disgusting with your eating habits. You share with the world the content of your mouth like therein lies the key to world peace And my God, these ones don’t even chew properly, thinking about the sounds they make makes me wanna shoot myself. Stop it o! Every time you chew with your mouth open, a couple breaks up. See why our world is the way it is? images

There are so many other annoying habits that I’m sure you guys come across; there are those niggas that bite on metal cutlery (because they feel they must kill the spoon or fork while eating), oh! there are those that pronounce ‘fork’ as ‘ferk’ because it sounds too much like ‘fuck’ and they can’t be caught saying such. These ones eventually grow up to work with Nigeria newsdesk where they spell ‘sex’ as ‘s-x’. there are those (like my barber) that out of nowhere send you whatsapps saying shit like “hello” Me: “Hi, I’m sorry who’s this?” Him: “It’s chuks, your barba, how r u?” Me: (after being stunned for like 10 secs and trying to be nice) “Oh ok, I’m good, at work. Thanks” Him: “When r u comn bak?” Me: End chat. Sometimes I don’t know if this Whatsapp is a blessing or a curse. Plus now that facebook has bought it over, say hello to the resurrection of old friends.

Ah well, use the comment box, share some annoying habits you and people you know have. Cheers

And It Came To Pass…

That Solomon was epic.

And God said “dude. What do you want?” And Solomon didn’t ask for money, clothes or hoes. He asked for common sense. And Premium Common Sense™ was granted to him. And two women came to argue over whose child it was. But Solomon had seen this episode of Desperate Housewives before, so he solved that shit with ease.

And Solomon married like 300 hunned hoes. And Fela was like “damn”. And it was nothing. Cos Solomon wasn’t satisfied with having a different box every day cos that leaves out 65 days. So Solomon had like 700 more concubines. And the Bible doesn’t tell us if they were all female, but I’m not saying anything.

And Solomon was a thrill nigga. Cos Solomon didn’t forget any of their anniversary dates. And Solomon prolly called all his hoes by name. Cos he was wise. And Solomon tried everything ma nigga. All kinds of alcohol, weed, had like 3 orgies daily, prolly wrote the Karma Sutra book, and Solomon was tired of being so real and declared it all vanity and decided to be a poet.

And Solomon wrote love poems on some R Kelly shit, and died.

And it came to pass…

That David had 3 mighty men. Even though we’re only gonna talk about two. And these niggas made Leonidas and his band of 300 merry men look like runway models. And these niggas. And they were called Josheb-Basshebeth, Eleazar, and Shammah.

And Josheb-Basshebeth (we’re just gonna call him Josheb yeah? Cool) was the head of the 3. And this nigga killed 800 people in one day. Meaning he probably woke up at 6am, brushed his teeth, freshened up for war and looked daper as fuck, swagged all the way out to the battle field around 8:30am, probably, and started whooping niggas asses. He also had to sleep, cos real niggas don’t play with they sleep. Meaning he prolly went back to his pimped out tent at about 8:30pm. So 800 people in 12 hours. That’s like 66 people every hour. That’s 1 person every minute.

And this nigga didn’t even take a water break man, this nigga was turnt. Shaun T better watch out.

And then there was Eleazar. When he Dude was online one night when the Philistines were slandering them. Then the philistines attacked and all the punk ass niggas retreated. But not ma nigga Zar. Zar stood alone and was slaying bitch niggas left, right & center like it was nothing. Then the Isrealites joined him but all that was left to do was cleanup.

Cleanup. Shit.

And so it came to pass…

That Joseph could read minds yo.

Okay, no. He couldn’t. But that nigga could dream on some Martin Luther King shit. And he told his brothers that he was gon’ be the greatest and they hated him cos he was too real for them. And they sold their own flesh and blood to the Egyptians dawg the men in the old testament had no regard for their brothers since Cain and Abel.

And Joseph legit went into slavery but somehow found himself in Potiphar’s house. And Joseph was so fresh and so clean with his white linen on that Potiphar’s wife’s pussy had a seizure when she saw him. Shit was mad real man. Joseph used to walk by and she would get so wet she would swim back to her room.

And one day she couldn’t take it anymore, so she called Joey Fresh to her room and she offered Joe the box. And Joe legit turned it down like a popped collar ma nigga.

For this reason alone, Joseph the thrillest nigga to ever walk in Egypt. And God looked down and was like “That’s my boy” and God made him Prime Minister.

And Potiphar’s wife had to buy a dildo.

And so it came to pass…

That Samson was so strong he grew his dada by pulling hair out of his head and was such a badass that he killed niggas with the jaw of an ass. I didn’t even know butt cheeks had jaws man this nigga was too real. And the Philistenes were all like “whoa”.

And the Philistines got together and decided the only way to bring him down was to send a lightskinned hoe his way. So they sent Delilah and Delilah got Samson’s number on Facebook and sent Samson some nudes on Whatsapp.

And Samson flew over to Delilah’s crib for the weekend.

And Samson definitely wasn’t hitting it right. Cos if he was, Delilah wouldn’t have had the strength to ask him stupid questions like “what is the secret of your strength?” after sex. Cos she would be passed the fuck out from all that good dick.

And it came to pass that Samson told her the secret to his strength like a punk ass bitch lil nigga cos we all know we don’t trust these hoes. And Delilah sold him out to the Philistines. And the world’s most famous haircut happened and Samson died.

Punk.

And Delilah retired as a professional loud mouth, hair styling hoe and decided to go ‘inspire’ / seduce the members of the Plain White Tees.

And it came to pass…

Ride or Die?

Hey y’all. Y’all staying alive? Breathing easy? Doing Good #NoMegan. Fine.

As part of our desire to constantly churn out material that helps soothe you guys, we have decided to add another feather to the TSC cap. Well, it goes without saying that we’re the best when it comes to humor in Nigeria, Let’s not brag about our 3 recognition awards but yeah. No one comes close.

What we want to do at TSC is to build a community of writers who have their head screwed deep in humor, Guys who can deliver funny stuff without even trying, people who bring tears of joy to your eyes when you read their shit. Yup. That’s the goal. Little wonder Terdoh and TheGreyGenesis are part of this team. Them niggas hold things down all day everyday.

Alright, in keeping with this tradition, Guys allow me to introduce our newest team member. He’s no stranger to humor neither is he foreign in these parts, Matter of fact, he has over time sent in content that rates as high as the stuff that comes from here, So yeah, “signing him up” was a no brainer. Let us give a massive TSC welcome to the brilliant ‘RJ’ known on twitter as @Monsieur_RJ; our newbie.

*****

Some sexual fantasies are better left in your head.

I learnt this the hard way. No porn intended.

No pun intended either.

Sometime about a fortnight ago, I went to a supermarket in Wuse 2 to get an After Shave. My favorite team had just lost (again) to Olympiakos in the Champions League and I was a little bit disoriented.

david-moyes-loser

The loss had really hurt me and anyone who observed me that night could tell I was in emotional pains. I had a particular brand of After Shave I always used ‘cos I loved the scent and my search for it earlier in the day had not been successful.

I got into this supermarket (name withheld) and asked around for it but they didn’t have it either, so I picked a pack of Smarties and a can of suede spray for my shoes then made my way to pay.  “N520, sir” said the female counter as she packed both items in a leather bag. I searched my wallet and discovered I didn’t come out with enough money.

Or maybe, just maybe, I had spent it all at the bar where I had watched the United game in agony.

“I don’t think I have enough cash on me. Do you accept ATMs?”

She nodded & I gave her my card. She did her lil thing, asked if I was using Current or Savings, blah blah & then finally asked me to insert my pin. As I punched it in, saying the numbers audibly as I did, she looked at me and said “You look sad. Very sad… And you’re handsome”. For the first time I “examined” her. Funny I didn’t do that all this while ‘cos I had my mind on the just concluded game. She was beautiful, chocolate but NOT my type and I’ll tell you why.

She might have been a counter or to like most would say, a salesgirl, but she wasn’t bad at all. She was pretty, had knockers that could feed all 378 of Angelina Jolie’s adopted kids and had thunder thighs. It had been one of my sexual fantasies to have sex with a tall chic just for the hell of it & this opportunity presented itself. She might not have had a classy job but in the words of the hommie Pa Alfred, “Kpekus na Kpekus”. That wasn’t the problem, though.

The babe was tall for a babe. Extremely tall. I’m talmbout 6’3 or some shit like that.

“Thanks. Had a rough day. Why are you guys still open? It’s almost 11.” I asked.

“We close by 11 exactly. Almost done for today. Here’s your stuff. Have a good rest and visit us again.” she said handing me the bag.

That should have been my cue to leave. El-Farooq should have left. That bastard!

“Umm, so, do I have to come here again if I want to see you or could I just get your number and give you a call?” Not smooth by me but I figured, what the fuck, my night couldn’t get worse.

She smiled and politely said “I just think you’re cute and thought it would be nice to say it. Nothing more. Please, don’t get any ideas.”

surely-you-jest

Again, another cue to leave but I had to be so fucking stupid. “Dooshima,” I said, staring at her name-tag “I think you’re cute too and no, I’m not having any other ideas. I just like to be close friends with people who know my ATM pin. It’s only right, right? I’m El-Farooq, by the way” She smiled for a bit, gave me an ‘I hope you know what you’re signing up for’ look and called out her number in a soft voice.   A couple of phone calls, lots of flirting & a few days later I was driving to her crib to go see her.

First, I couldn’t invite her over to my place ‘cos I didn’t want my hommies laughing at me for attempting to smash someone that could carry me. I got to her crib and was a bit surprised. It was nice. She was obviously living above her means. Or maybe one 6’5 aristo had been hitting that. I don’t know. We got talking and, of course, I had to find out where she got that much money to get a nice apartment in Abuja being a salesgirl & all.

Turns out she was a student and her mum actually owned the Supermarket. She decided to take up a part-time job during the strike to help her mum & keep an eye on the other staff that had no clue she was their boss’ daughter. She helped out anytime she was back from school. I liked that in a girl; ambitious, pretty and didn’t sit on her ass all day waiting for a nigga to take care of her. Or maybe that was ‘cos she was 6’3 and dudes always ran away from her… like I should have done that night.

We talked some more and things got very deep. She told me about how her dad had left them when she was little (‘little’ kor) and how her mum had struggled alone, raising 4 kids, all girls. She said all her life she had longed for a father-figure and how she adored her mum. I held her hands and told her everything was going to be alright & how her mum had done an amazing job raising her. She placed her head on my chest & I could feel myself giggle a bit.

I was like...

I was like…

That must have been a weird ass sight.

Anyway, things heated up as I made some moves on her. She resisted at first but ain’t nobody ever really resisted El-Farooq when they were alone. That shit ain’t never happened. Neeever. I made my trademark move; popping the bra with my right hand, watching the titties bounce out and going straight for the left one. Hers were really beautiful. Like she had other ridiculously big body parts ‘cos she was fucking 6’3 but her titties were beautiful & moderate. I was this close to clapping for her. By far the best titties I had ever laid eyes & mouth on. She moaned and whispered “nibble on it” in my ears & the nigga El-Farooq did.

After a few minutes of fooling around she asked me if I wanted an energy drink and had eaten well before coming. Not to look like an idiot I said yes then walked over to her fridge to get a can of whatever energy drink she had. I must have shrieked when I opened it. I was terrified. Her fridge was stocked with about 20-30 cans of Red Bull. Like, what was this chic up to?! Again, a reason to back out but you know guys and their egos; we don’t ever want to bitch out.

Fridge lookin' at me like...

Fridge lookin’ at me like…

We went to her room & continued our foreplay in there. After a while she stopped me and looked a bit withdrawn. I asked her what the matter was but she didn’t want to say. After a while she opened up. No, not her legs, silly, we’re gonna get there. She told me about how she loved tying guys up while having sex, on some S&M shit. I figured, well that’s not a problem since I liked a lil bit of kinky stuff, I had been tied up once and I loved it. Ah, Uju! God bless her sweet self. Best weekend I ever had in Enugu. Back to Dooshima & I.

I agreed to her tying me up & she did. She tied me up well. Very well. The knots were tight. Very tight. She didn’t have cuffs so she used a tie. Now that I think about it, whose ties were those? She asked me for a safe word. I didn’t like the idea of a safe word. “Safe words are for sissys” I said but she insisted.

“Ride!”

“Ride?”

“Yes, Ride. If I say Ride then you either stop or Ride on” I said jokingly.

She laughed and left the room. I blame my hommie Ikhizama for that stupid thought. I had been jamming some old Nelly albums that he hooked me up with and had been driving to “Ride With Me” on my way to her crib so that was the first word that came to my head.  She returned with a jar of Nutella and opened it. She scooped some with her hand and gently rubbed it over my already erect cock then she began blowing me, passionately licking the damn Nutella off. I was wilding. Dooshima’s head game was on some Play Station 6 shit, some futuristic shit that y’all ain’t ready for. Y’all niggas ain’t even know the half of it. She could suck nails off a wall, that Benue gigantic freak. She blew & blew and then T-Bagged a nigga.

A little tear might have rolled down my left cheek. Best head ever.

baby had me like... just a tear drop

baby had me like… just a tear drop

“Is that a birthmark on your balls?” she said laughing out

“They don’t call me Mr. Birthmark on the Nutsack for nothing” I replied with a proud smirk on my face.

When she was done licking the Nutella off the Colonel she rolled a condom on it and began riding.  I wasn’t really enjoying it, though. I mean, yeah a bit of me was cool with it but her weight, damn, her weight. It gradually went from sex to molestation. I was being used. She just tied me, a nigga shorter than her, up there and did whatever she wanted. I felt abused. I couldn’t take it anymore and my waist was about to give in ‘cos of her damn near 120kg weight. She sensed it and got off my dick and began kissing my chest and sucking my own nipples.

Mahn!

Next thing she got up and, without warning, sat on my face. Fam, I couldn’t breathe. Not like she smelled or none of that, no. In fact, she did smell & taste nice but them thunder thighs tho, way too massive and covered up my whole face. But as a gentleman, I ate her up despite all that. Then she got a bit carried away and started grinding a little. I continued eating her, all this while struggling for proper breath. Then she lost it. Dooshima totally lost it. Home girl started riding my dam face. I was approaching the white light.

“Ride! Ride! Ride!” and she rode even more vigorously.

“No, Ride! RIDE! RIIIDEEE!!” and she continued.

Apparently, that was a shitty choice of a safe word. “Who’s your mummy?” she asked as she rode me on some ‘I own you’ type shit. “What the… My mummy is Mrs. Grace Nwosu and I want my mummy. I’m asthmatic, please. Call her” I screamed out from underneath her but my sorrowful plea was absorbed by her massive thighs.

“Who’s your mummy? Tell me, who’s YOUR MUMMY?” “Mrs. Nwosu! Mrs. Nwosu! Call her! Call her! Her number is 0802574—-“ but Dooshima was already in her zone. “Ride! Ride!” were my feebly yelled last words as my body shook and she, finally coming to her senses, got up.

I woke up fully clothed with a can of Red Bull beside me.

“Drink that. It’ll help you” came a slightly embarrassed voice from across the room.

“What happened? How did my clothes get back on?” I asked, looking around. “Well, you passed out. I cleaned you up and put your clothes on. I couldn’t leave you naked. I’m really sorry. We shouldn’t have done this.” “No, there’s no problem. I umm.. I wasn’t…never mind. I umm, I need to get home.” I said standing up quickly and grabbing my shoes.

“Call me, when you get home. Or you could come over this weekend. I’ll be back from school then” she said as I hurried off.

Calmly walked out of there like...

Calmly walked out of there like…

As I drove off, I did what every sane person who had been molested would do; I blocked her number & deleted her pin. At the moment I’m thinking of skipping town, maybe even moving out of town completely.  Horrific, yes, but that’s one more sexual fantasy off my list, a couple more to go.

-@Monsieur_RJ

A few of my favourite things

“… Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens

Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens     

Brown paper packages tied up with strings… “

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Don’t nobody care about no gotdamn bright kettles. Maria play too much

Everyone has the right to like anything regardless of how zany and Batshit loopy it makes them seem. It’s the exercising of your rights to keep most of these things you like, boxed up in a locked chest, then sealed inside a locked vault, and forgotten inside the unreachable recesses in your minds that keeps most of you on this side of prison bars and/or out of straitjackets. But thankfully, I’m not weird like you guys. So I can and will proceed to share a few of my favourite things with you guys.

1. Old adverts.

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Everyone loves old Ads. Everyone. Even if you don’t have a TV…or a radio…or a newspaper…or noisy neighbors with any of these things.

2. Being lost in music I mean, picture you’re at your girlfriend’s crib meeting her parents for the first time and then Davido’s “Dami Duro” comes on and My God! You don’t know when you start beating your air drum. Listen, the things music can do to you. I would write a song eulogising this but i’ll get so lost in it that I probably will never complete it image 2. Fridays.  (editor’s note: TheGreyGenesis can’t count) Man, I love Fridays. Especially when it is one of those weeks that seems like the universe paid the office to assasinate you when you came in on Monday. But then, you somehow pull through with your psyche threatening at every other turn to splinter. Then just like that, you realise it’s Thursday. And you’ve almost closed…

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3. When your Barber shapes you up just right.

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SUSDBSE

Barber so elite, shape up so deluxe. You guys may not quite understand how important barbers are. After mothers and babes, barbers are the only other humans that can turn our heads. pun intended. You never really appreciate your barber until you turn up at work/school on a Monday and people start looking at you like you just crawled out of Jim Iyke’s left nostril. LOL..Make your barber give you wrong cut one time, baba, no one would advice you to cease further dealings. But sonnnn, when they get that trim nice and friction your hair like you can use it to slice onions, then you understand why Solomon hosted the queen of Sheba. (Please don’t try to understand this)

4. Attractive people. Saks and Terdoh, skip this.

5. Girls in Jalabia. Yeah, I’ve always been curious. What is the right way to say that? Is it Jalabia, JalaMIA, or JalaPIA? What language does this word stem from? Is it okay to utilise any of the pronunciations like the way we pronounce that thing as /Boli/ and /Bole/ depending on where we are at the moment? (even though we all know the right pronunciation is /Boli/) But look ladies, all fingers are not equal, if you can’t afford a Maxi dress, who said you must languish in despair? Arise from the ashes oh maiden, arise and proceed to thine nearest Mallam, arriveth there and purchase for thineself a frock of northern heritage, purchase fair maiden, a Jalabia to cover up thine nakedness. even though we really don’t mind 

6. Harmattan. This is actually my favorite season here. Everything is so hot and cold at the same time, and hazy then clear, then dry, then moist. Bipolar season. What’s not to love?

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Harmattan is cruel to some people though. LMAO! You’ll see some people looking so darned ashy. As if they mixed semovita in their lotions.

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Lips looking like shed snakeskin

7. Pringles. For me, Pringles are to movies, what egusi is to Eba. What Agege bread is to Ewa Agoyin. What… Yeah, you get the point.

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8. The smell of rain before it falls. This is an actual scientifically researched phenomenon. And it has an English name.  It’s called “Petrichor”. You’re welcome.

9. Dope punchlines in movies. 

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Trinity: Dodge this.

10. Those Comebacks that leave the recipient like…

wpid-13901678361

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Passersby are left in shock

11. New Money. Yo. You know those freaks who adore the smell, feel, sight of (and have probably tasted) clean, new, mint money? I may or may not be one of them. I get attached to the appearance of clean money and end up not wanting to spend it.

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Just want to tie it to a necklace and wear it to work

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So there you have it guys. My random list of random things I like. Do you also have a list of things you like that you know you’ll never say out loud because you don’t want to be lynched or labelled as a witch? Comment with your list. We promise we won’t immediately report you to the police. 🙂

Grey Out

Surulere

Started from the bottom now we’re where?

The other day, I was surfing my Instagram page, doing my best not to be led down the path of hell by the images these women so happily post. Yes, I don’t know how they appeared on my feed. No, I didn’t follow them. Yes, you’re stupid for asking this question in your mind.

So while I was there looking for pictures to like; seeing as I’m a nice guy like that, I came across a trend. This nigga Don Jazzy (who I didn’t follow because he shared random credit one time) was doing some picture collage type thing and was tagging it #Surulere. JOSEPH, MARY AND MORUFU!!! The pictures I saw yeah, Lord, if there’s another movie for “Transformers”, they should use those guys and not robots.

I’m not going to talk about those guys tho, I don’t know the annointing that came upon me but sha, a certain spirit did. So I got this revelation and this post was birthed. We’re just gon look at our celebrities and form an opinion shall we?

Let’s start with omo baba olowo aka My dimples are so deep aka I don’t know what happened to my voice, it’s not like I’ve ever been a conductor aka Davido.  For those of you who doubted that Davido has always been a ‘big boy’ aka ‘a boy living large’, check this out.

davido

homeboy so fat, dimples were covered up

Can you see now that this nigga been fresh out long before being fresh out became a thing?  But then something happened! David decided that he needed to break free from the sheltered life and mix with the niggas on the outside. He wanted to experience the thrill that came with chasing tyres down the road wearing multi-coloured pant, the joy of designing your own kite using brooms, thread and white nylon. And so David ventured out of the Adeleke mansion and became one of the area boys.

He even became black

davido2

It was as a result of this venture that Mr David released the song “Dami Duro” chronicling his struggle with his parents for independence. This was of course after he shared with us details of the days when he was broke on “back when” These days Otunba David is chopping life ‘aye’

Let’s talk about 2face.

2Face-

See that tie? If you look closely, you’d recognize it as the one used to hang Karl Grossman in 1863  The story of 2face is not complete without a mention of the platashun boiz (They couldn’t spell so accept it like that) So yeah, 2baba started off as headmaster of a girls’ school as the picture shows. He however had to leave when the students mysteriously started getting preggers. That’s how bros met one shady guy; black face by name and that one introduced him to music saying they could become great.

2face2

Black face bought 2face a copy of Hip Hop World and the rest they say is history.

2baba aka Innocent aka 2face (Do you see the oxymoron?) became the biggest name in the music business. How did he do it? By shouting “NOTTIN DEY HAPPEN!” getting his neck snapped by robbers and ensuring that more women got blessed with the fruit of the womb. You people think that African queen song wasn’t planned? Baba sang one song and used many women for the video and those ones were there feeling frisky.

Wan de we shall really understand the story of Mr Coal.

DPrince-and-Wande-Coal

From Mushin to Mo-hits to Mr Biggs. The black dayamon kept growing. Please look at this picture and tell me Mo- hits have not done their share of community service. The story of wande starts from the school of Unilag where he danced to the tune of the piper. It’s like the piper was D’banj and the pipe was really the harmonica, as the lord planned it sha, that’s how wande and his babe denrele were recruited as video vixens for D’banjs “why me?” and before we knew it, bobo don blow (literally). Anyway, Wande’s light kept on shining brighter and brighter although this shining didn’t reflect on his person. no offense intended but doesn’t this remind you (sometimes) of W ceezy?

Amala

Basketmouth

I doubt anyone would have considered that this nigga would have a bright future. C’mon, homeboy looked like your regular crime fighter star actor and to make it sadder, he’s from Benin. Like everyone knows Benin niggas don’t smile. I mean look at this guy…

ba

It therefore came as a shocker later on to realize that this bros would build a very profiting career in comedy. No jokes! Well yeah, there were jokes but who woulda thunk it? Basket makes so much money at his shows, it’s not even funny. I mean, it’s not a laughing matter. You sha know what I mean. He’s cleaned up major too and that’s a good thing atink.

BASKET

Wizkid

Just when we thought we had learned all the letters of the alphabets, this smallie from ojuelegba shitta comes with ground breaking revelation that you can actually joggle the letter ”I” and “h” Hi mean, we couldn’t tell hif hit was “na you dey high me” or “na you dey eye me” Anyway, this kid (not so sure about the wiz part) has come a long way. Omeboy now looks fretch and clean, dropping its with every release like hit’s nothing.

surulere-wizkid

Let me just stop here tho. You musta noticed I didn’t mention any females yeah? That’s cos I couldn’t even find old pictures. These women have photoshopped their past, they be looking like the present and I couldn’t tell the difference. Anyway guys, we bless God for where we’ve come from and where we’ll get to. There are many others like Iyanya, Eyes Prince, Don Jazzy but space wouldn’t allow me go further.

Fuck space.

It’s not like i have beef with Iyanya but this nigga really does look like  a bottle of maltina. Homeboy look like you can use him to pound yam successfully. Chill, I know there are niggas that look good buff and all that, but c’mon all calabar boys are naturally buff. Then Iyanya won project fame or something and decided he was going to get buffer. Then everywhere he is, he will just be removing shirt because the shirt offended him and hindered his progress.  mtscheeeew

iyanya-sexy

Ice-Prince-

Pause for a minute and observe Ice Prince Zamani. Well, nigga on the left is ordinary Panshak Zamani before the fame, fortune and fashion sense came upon him. Homeboy steady wearing agbadas in the name of shirts. Look, I could do this all day but I don’t want my picture to arise someday (Yes, I’m going to be famous) so I’m going to behave myself and hit the exit right about now.

You got some #Surulere pictures, feel free to share.

#Surulere

Banter

Sirkastiq: Just in case you don’t know, today is a very special day in history. No not because it’s World Wildlife day (where we celebrate ‘people’ like Terdoh)

Terdoh: Your ancestors are wildlife heroes

Sirkastiq: Don’t interrupt me nigga, I’m trying to share history with these wonderful people

Terdoh: You’re still an animal tho…

Sirkastiq: See, behaviour like this only buttresses my point. Anyway, I was saying…

*click*

Sirkastiq: Yo Dee, can you maybe put the phone down and take your selfies later? I’m trying to communicate here

Grey: *click click* I’m trying to get the best angle yo

dee

Terdoh: I don’t know why you’re even bothering, Ellen has won at selfies.

Grey: Bradley Cooper you mean…

Terdoh: Well, Ellen tweeted it first and tagged it the Best Photo ever liveth

Grey: Ellen is a prophet

Terdoh: And she listens to Olamide

Grey: Brad gets no love.

Terdoh: Well…

Sirkastiq: Hellooooo, so I was telling you guys how today is a special day in history…

Grey: 2.6 million RTs and counting

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Terdoh: YOOOOO!!! I was trying to find out what was special about the picture

Grey: I mean no cleavage, tongue, filters and none of them was looking at the floor the way our Nigerian girls do

Terdoh: Don’t hate, most of them are probably looking for their dignity…Or virginity

Grey: WHOA!!!

Sirkastiq: Can you two nitwits just allow me share with these people why today is…

Terdoh: Yo Dee, you heard DiCaprio didn’t win at the Oscars right?

Grey: Well, I saw that one coming

Terdoh: You did? How? I mean homeboy has been in more dope movies than niggas been in Rihanna’s nookie

Grey: WHOA!!!

Terdoh: Y’all just want Leo to win cos he ain’t never won nothing. The Oscars don’t work like that ma nigga

Grey: Maybe if Leo acted as some guy that has suffered then he’d be considered. He’s always the slave driver, rich guy, master. Humble yourself and you’ll be exalted.

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Terdoh: Like that guy Lupita

Sirkastiq: Let me know when you guys want me to share why today is history…

Grey: LMAOOOO…You called Lupita a guy

Terdoh: Well, if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck and pouts, isn’t it a duck?

Grey: Well, these days, they’re also known as girls.

Terdoh: Our homeboy Chinwetel didn’t win shit too tho.

Grey: No surprise there, the Oscars are a one nigga award per edition show.

Terdoh: And Lupita already took the one for 2014

So um...cleave age?

So um…cleave age?

Grey: Oh yeah…So Tee, what’ve you been up to asides being a jerk on Rounds and on Twitter?

Terdoh: Taking pictures in the shadows.

Grey: So…selfies, cos you’re like N’yongo black.

Terdoh:That’s a new colour right?

Grey: Yeah. Niggas like “I like my women like I like my coffee. N’yongo.”

Sirkastiq: It’s not like I’m here waiting to…

Grey: Sometimes I wonder about your sanity.

Terdoh: Why do I think you’re talking to yourself?

Grey: We’re probably all the same person, and we’re all mad.

Terdoh: You mean you’re mad?

Grey: I mean, nobody has seen all three of us in the same place yeah?

Terdoh: Hmm….I guess you’re right. We’re probably the same person.

Grey: Aha! I knew it!!!

Terdoh: Knew what? That we’re the same? But if you didn’t know that, who would?

Sirkastiq: Carry on, I’ll just keep this history

Grey: I think Saks wants to say something

Terdoh: He does? Why didn’t he say something since? Smh. Such a nigga

Grey: I wonder as well, Like we’ve just been here being awesome but he didn’t say anything

Terdoh: Alright Saks, what’s on your mind?

Sirkastiq: You’ve got to be kidding me

Terdoh: Look son, we ain’t got all day. You either have something to say or you don’t.

Grey: Saks bout to lose his mind

Terdoh: Mind wey my guy don lose since.

Sirkastiq: *gasp* Well, here goes…

Grey: That’s how I was picking beans the other day and then something hit me

Terdoh: Oh my, bummer it wasn’t a car

Sirkastiq: FUCK YOU GUYS OK!!! FUCK YOU!!!

Grey & Terdoh: Oh my!

Sirkastiq: Ugh!! You know what, I’m just going to share this through writing cos y’all are such bums

Grey: So basically, you’re back to writing?

Terdoh: Whoop-de-doo, TSC is back?

Grey: This is history in the making!! We have never been back before and now on the 3rd day of March 2014, we just came back!!!

Terdoh: Guys, we are back!!! Hi-5 Dee my fellow history maker

Grey & Terdoh: Yo Saks, we just made history…Saks…Saks…

 

100th Post

Hi.

Bye.

I kid.

100 Posts!!! Whoop!!! Like Wow! We’ve done 100 posts on this blog. Take a bow guys @cumical and @TheGreyGenesis and all you wonderful people who have contributed via guest posts, series etc. Y’all are far too kind. We couldn’t have done it without you. Well, we could actually, but that’s not the point. No we aren’t cocky…Anyway yeah, Thanks. Free reading for all of you.

So to today’s matter…

Most times, I get phone alerts about people subscribing to TSC and then my conscience pricks me especially when we haven’t put anything up on the site. It’s sort of like “hey, I heard your blog was dope and all, I read it and yeah, I think it is. So I’m subscribing so that I can get immediate alerts when you put up new shit” Then this my stupid conscience goes like “But look at yourself, you haven’t put up anything for these guys to read, how do you feel?” Then I tell my conscience to shut up because he don’t have the answers!!!

9a7603703b1a932e7344583a0ec3fb0f.500x321x1

So here I am today, after such a battle. As you can tell, I lost.

Anyway, it’s December and hey! That means Christmas right? Celebrations, decorations, events, gifts and all that stuff. Not my favourite time of the year to be quite honest because when you consider the funds that go into the season, you can’t help but weep. Usually, I’d do a post on how guys can escape the pressure of Christmas or how babes can get the most out of their man this Christmas but I’m quite responsible these days. I’ve seen the light and like Saul on the road to Damascus, my life and name has changed. Call me Snoop going forward please.

So what are we going to be learning today?

I don’t really know to be quite honest. I mean, I can’t start sharing on how we guys have this problem that happens to our phones around Christmas time. You know, somehow, our lines just can’t receive good network and when you call us, we can’t hear you. Sometimes, our phones even decide NOT to ring out. Like you’re calling us, it’s ringing but we don’t hear shit. I still haven’t unravelled the mystery behind that. No don’t think we aren’t picking your call, it’s most likely network problem. Oh, you sent a text, a BBM/Whatsapp message; DM’d us and left a comment on our IG page? Oh shit! You must not have heard that this same network problem bars us from replying messages sent over the internet. Crazy right? I don’t even understand myself. By the way, I did something there

Or should I share on how we become SOOOO BUSY this period? Like how our schedule just becomes mad tight and ALL OF A SUDDEN we start working late hours and on weekends? No, don’t think we’re trying to avoid going shopping with you because we know that our bank accounts will never be the same, nahhh it’s not that. It’s also not because we know that the price of stuff becomes ridiculously expensive and we’d cry after the shopping experience. It’s really just because we want to work harder to secure a brighter future and we really, really are very busy -__-

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Oh yes yes!!! Rhythm Unplugged, Ovation Red Carol and all those shows. Maybe I should talk about how you want us to get VIP tickets to these events. It’s not that we can’t o, It’s just that we learnt something special this year called delayed gratification. Look, what is the use of spending over N100,000 on one ticket when we could just buy the CD’s of these guys? Oh you want the live experience? Ok, tell your friends to record for you.

What to write?

HAYYYY!!! Let’s talk about the ladies and their amazing expectations at Christmas. I mean, why are you expecting a Christmas gift? Is it your birthday? When did you change name to Jesus? Pls whose birthday did you go for that you received a gift? Why are you now hustling your guy for a gift when you damn well were not born on the day? It’s even annoying because some of you now write an entire list. Please what is this thing you women smoke? Fix up ladies, Fix up.

christmas not your birthday 1

It could be easy to talk about those ladies that actually hustle to ensure they are in a relationship in December. Most of these females have a short term plan of 3 months. Don’t be surprised, It’s quite strategic, see 3 months is December –February. Just enough time to garner enough gifts between Christmas and Valentine’s Day. Hahaha…you sly women you. We know your ways o. Little wonder statistics show that there are more single men between December and January and the rate of break ups in November and December are the highest.

Smh

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Oh! Oh! Oh! How about we talk about those guys that stylishly ask their babes “baby, sooooo what are your plans for this Christmas?” Let me just tell you; No guy wants to hear “well, I’m thinking we’ll spend it together, maybe attend some events and just lie in each other’s arms..” HELL-FRIGGIN-NO!!! What we want to hear is “popsy and mumsy are talking about going to the villa” YESSSSSS!!! Please can you go? Can you also, maybe go to a village where there’s no internet access and crappy phone network? Look, let me just tell you, your man? He wants his space, he don’t want you around, homeboy don’t wanna turn up with ya. Oh, you think he’s been praying that ASUU calls off the strike just so your education can move forward? Nah b…he wants you away.

DISCLAIMER: I don’t do any of this shit.

Heck, I didn’t even write anything.

I still don’t know what to write on.

Single Pringles

Why hello there. It’s been a hot minute right? My apologies really. I’m even tired of making apologies but thing is I’ve been mad busy with life, work, avoiding getting arrested and/or beat up and organizing the “Letters To My Ex” series on TNC which was a massive success by the way. What?! You missed that? Shit. Catch up here. I wrote Letter number 5.

So anyway, those letters successfully started off lots of conversations, responses and lots more. Some even craved the opportunity to respond and I couldn’t help but wonder what that’ll look like. So yeah, sooner than later or maybe later (so as not to overflog the letter writing), we’ll have our special letter series (you read it here first) Today however, I want to address a different issue.

address: different issue

LOOOOOOOOOOOL..I’m really so funny.

No?

Not even a bit?

😦

If you’ve been reading my stuff here of recent, you will note I’ve been writing quite a lot on relationships. I don’t even know why o, it’s not like I’m like @8plus9 or @thetoolsman that are experienced in these matters. It however might be because I’ve been reading their stuff a whole lot and they are influencing my thought process. Shut up! I say again, it’s not because I’m single. Anyway today, I got wondering and I don’t do that often but when I do, I really do. So I sat there and asked my self a question, I said “Self!” Self was like “yeah?” I’m like “Self, why are you single?” and self was like “you should ask yourself” and i looked at self like O_o , “I’m asking you though, why you asking me to ask myself?”, Self got all defensive and raised his voice by itself and was like “Why are you asking you? I said you should ask yourself!”

So that discussion berthed this topic: Ask YOURSELF, why are you single?

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Now I’m going to attempt to answer this question from different viewpoints, I may or may not be wrong and you might find that you belong to one or more of the categories. I don’t know.

– You’re Ugly.

Very-Funny-Ugly-People

See yeah, who makes the yardstick for what is ugly and what isn’t ugly?Who set the standards for beauty? Isn’t beauty in the eyes of the beholder? Aren’t Segoon Arinze, Bola Tinorbu and Razerk Awkoya married. The people that married them, do they not know beauty when they see it? Look if your excuse for being single is because you’re ugly, then you need to wake up from that thought, remove the tree trunk in your eye and find the woman that loves you for what..sorry, who you are. Facial constitution is not a barrier to love. That area boy that doesn’t even brush daily and looks like a rumpled paper from a 2B note still has one babe that calls him ‘onny’ on the regs. My friend, gather up your balls and walk up to that lady. Let your inner beauty speak for you! Let your charm and charisma sweep her off her feet! Let the baritone of your voice cause a dam to burst open in the region between her thighs! Let…ok, I’m getting carried away. You get my drift.

1- You don’t have money.

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So you’re the type of nigga that sets off bank alarms when you pass by becuase even the building can smell your broke ass from miles away. I mean, you’re so broke you don’t even get credit alerts simply because there’s no money to debit you from. But you love some babe, however you’ve been told that relationships are expensive and you need some finance to maintain the fuel of love. Let me tell you brethren; Money should not stop you from commiting to a woman. Look, do you think the Lord cannot bless you with a woman that is willing to ignore the absence of money? Oh? OH? I can hear the murmurings. Look my nigga, I’d have said ignore the things you see in Nollywood movies but I remembered your ass can’t even afford a TV. so yeah, here’s what you do: Find yourself a rich babe. HOW? I don’t know abeg.

2-You’re a Player.

MrBeanRonaldo_1153413663

Most guys today are single simply because they already have what they want. Do you know the pleasure that comes with having access to watch DSTV when you want without paying subscription? No aunty, tell me why that guy will commit to you when he’s already finished work? So yeah, guys have noticed that they can play trial matches for different clubs before deciding which club they’ll permanently join. So rather than put their all into impressing at the trials, they put up an average performances. These guys eventually get to the point where they realize that there’s more to life than playing but this realization might take forever. Be there forming player up and down o, continue. Until your mates all settle down and the only settling you’re doing is on your couch, eating regrets out of a paper bag while tears stream down your face. No continue…

3-You’re Handsome. Unlike the ugly ones, this group actually believe that they’re God’s gift to women. They feel like they were sculpted from the fabric of beauty itself. These guys walk abi float and act like they dont even shit. if they shit sef, their shit don’t stink. Their shit is probably what mars bars are made from. Enough of this shit. So yeah, they wait for the perfect woman that complements their looks but the snag is that they lack so much in personality, sense, manners and the basic things that make up a normal human being. Can you tell i’m pissed at their shit? Look, its not like I’m not fine. I mean, on a scale of 0 – Idrils Elba, I’m probably a Taye Diggs (yeah he does look like me) but yeah…You better stop deceiving yourself up and down, you think all the “OMG! You’re so fine” you get on IG make you some sort of superstar. My nigga, humble yourself and let the Lord exhalt you…or not. By the way, opposites attract, I’m just saying.

4- Your Member is too big.

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You’re actually a humanitarian because you’re considering the damage you will wreck if you attempt to put your baton inside her. This is why you’re single. I mean, people don’t appreciate what you’re doing because they don’t understand  but it’s ok my nigga. Your type is rare. Keep doing you. (Yes I mean masturbating). More grease to your…palms?

5- You’re Ugly and Broke . Brother, relationship is not for everyone 1 cor 7:8

6-You’re me

Well, I’m sure I haven’t exhausted all the reasons. There are likely more reasons why you’re single. Maybe because you’re waiting for a prticular babe to break up, maybe you don’t believe in dating before marriage (ehm, yes ke) or maybe you’ve just decided that you want to be an eunuch or something. If you’re single, please share your reasons and feel free to add more using the comments box. The “un-singles” are welcome too.

Guy Unchained Vol 2

Good afternoon people.

How many of you kept up with Wale on twitter days prior to the release of Ambition? Did y’all notice how nervous he was? That was exactly how I felt when Terdoh informed me the Guy unchained Vol. 1 was TSC worthy. Honestly, I was thinking the article wouldn’t get up to five appreciative comments but y’all proved me wrong, it got over 13 comments!! Yes! It’s such a big deal for me, for a minute I forgot I had a big dick.  I mean it was sorta a Yeezus moment for me like I didn’t have to throw in funny pictures here and there.

Thanks guys.

***

NOW THE APOLOGY:

***

I never planned to take this long in putting out the second volume but believe me, it was for the better. See, the story is non fictional and was quite incomplete at the time I started writing the first volume. I have always been an optimistic person who thinks optimism is good, I was sure of winning. You feel me, right?

Right?

-this is where you as a loyal reader who wants to read the second volume of this story puts your left hand on your chest and say “YES”.

***

BACK TO BUSINESS

***

Y’all already know Yvonne came to my place and I decided to put in the work, right?

Ok! Leggo!

EXCERPT 2:

ME: had you been expecting me to say the L word?

I was sure of everything. My plan was Kim-Kardashian-ass perfect, I could tell she was taking aback by the question.

EXCERPT 2.1:

HER: You never had the courage to say it back then when you used to visit me twice a day, call me thrice a day and I can’t possibly tell what drug is trying to give you the courage to that now.

That was a bit mean. I didn’t grimace though; I have learnt to put on a poker face over the time. I starred at her eyes for some while, it was then I realised her eye balls were brown. The atmosphere was intimately calm.

EXCERPT 2.2:

ME: I am not planning to say the L word yet, my lady. I am just trying to see if you are expecting something more than just a mere sexual relationship from me.

That was a bold but necessary move. Her face was expressionless, I couldn’t tell if she took it well or not.

EXCERPT 2.3:

HER: oh! It’s such a pity, you know. Your libido has more courage than your heart, aren’t you ashame?

“ashamed” I quickly corrected.

EXCERPT 2.4:

HER: I should be leaving, Frank. Thanks for the entertainment.

…and she left. Just like that! My ego was a bit wounded, it was smashed, crushed, melted, refrigerated and broken but I still saw that as a “bit wounded.” Entertainment? That’s what she called it? Who’s gonna be horny at night? Who’s gonna be tempted to masturbate with a big kitchen spoon? I agreed with myself and my demons not to call her but to go searching for a next one.

Many days went by, fam and everything was still stale. I literally woke up to find “bean seeds” on my bed, my balls were navy blue in colour and I was still searching for a next one.

P.S: I am very selective.

After few more days of masturbating with a big kitchen spoon (I guess), she called. I felt my soul moonwalking to my ringtone for a while before I picked the call.

EXCERPT 2.5:

ME: hey! Come by 4pm then.

HER: what! I am already on my way. Wait! How did you know I was coming?

Nice move, right?

EXCERPT 2.6:

ME: my instincts. I miss you.

HER: oh my! Honestly, I am speechless. Is it moment of truth already? I have been thinking about you, you are now funny and interesting. You deserve more than bare friendship.

Life is no nollywood. I was twice as surprised as you. Things were beginning to fall in place while I was still yet to finish the Chinua Achebe most talked about novel, THINGS FALL APART. She came in no time, we ate while talking about different things (only children and older people obey table manners), she refused eating the piece of meat on her plate though and gave an excuse of being a vegetarian. It was all fun sha plus she gave me a kiss and that sorta started everything. The gods finally put me in the game.

She visited regularly, she brought gifts regularly and got fucked what?

-this is where you all stand up and say “REGULARLY” in unison.

That was where I lived up to before sharing the first volume on TSC with y’all.

***

NOW THE EPILOGUE

***

MOST RECENTLY:

After an exhausting sex session..

EXCERPT 2.7:

HER: this thing we are having, what does it mean to you?

Can’t a young nigga write jamb only once? Pffft! We all hate that question, right?

EXCERPT 2.8:

ME: why catch feelings when you can request for another round?

HER: wait! You just want me for sex? You want to treat me the way you treat other girls?

I was confused.

EXCERPT 2.9:

ME: yes! I want you for only sex. Sweet and amazing sex and what other girls are you talking about?

HER: Am I the only one you are interested in?

ME: you used to be but not again. I found someone more interesting, her name is Tonye.

HER: Tonye? But Tonye is my friend. What’s so special about that girl that fucks around? I don’t wanna believe you are into elasticity challenged vaginas.

Do girls really have “friends?”

EXCERPT 3.0:

ME: I don’t care, my lady. With the size of my dick, every pussy is tight.

HER: you think you are funny?

ME: and interesting. You said that yourself. I don’t understand why a vegetarian would fall in love with this particular piece of meat.

I said waving my dick at her. Boss!

She just wore her clothes, picked her bag and left. The only thing sweeter than revenge is pussy and I got both, BOSS BAWSE!

P.S: I just finished reading THINGS FALL APART.

-Bitchboy Dickfree

Turn Down for WHAT?!

I’m not even happy this morning.

Like I can’t even take this thing again. It’s just downright annoying and so I’ve decided to come talk about It here with the hope that the specie to whom this behaviour is commonplace with can fix up.

If you’ve ever loved a girl, then you’re probably familiar with heartbreak. The two are almost mutually inclusive as you cannot have one without the other. Note that I didn’t say “if you’re in a relationship” This is because these days, you don’t even have to be in a relationship to have your heart shattered into a million minute fragments. I’m just tired. Now don’t get it twisted, I’m not of the opinion that hearts shouldn’t be broken but my grouse is that if you’re going to do something so life defining, at least put some effort into it. Don’t just toss the nigga into a blender and watch him get ground to smithereens.

If you’re going to turn a guys’ advances down, Please don’t do it in a way that he becomes the Hitler of our time.

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Yes, In case you don’t know, Hitler became the way he became because some chick told him she wasn’t going to date him if he was the only figure on the calendar. Go on Wikipedia that.

Dear God, in this my life, I have heard the silliest reasons for turning a guy’s advances down. I mean you would think “NO” was more than a two letter word with the way you girls creatively come up with your reasons. How hard is it to say “No, I can’t date you?” But you people allow the devil and the host of hell to use you. You don’t have to add an explanation. Even if he looks like his whole world is about to crash, DON’T EXPLAIN!

Well, except he asks “why”

Please b, tell me whyyyy, please...

Please b, tell me whyyyy, please…

Here are some downright ridiculous responses I’ve heard in this my stellar lifetime

DISCLAIMER: The turn downs listed herein are not peculiar to me and may or not have been first hand experiences. These could be sourced as a result of various testimonies shared by fellow bros over bottles of Jack Daniels and cheeks  flowing with tears.

1. “It’s not you it’s me” This one is the most popular turn down ever. Like WTF do you mean, it’s not me. Haven’t you just evaluated my entire existence and come to the brain clogged conclusion that I’m not good enough. What stupid damage control are you trying to do? By saying it’s you, do you think that makes me feel better? Matter of fact, it doesn’t because you just insinuated that there’s something wrong with my tastes and choices.  So, In other words, I didn’t do my research well before approaching you? Your father must be a lesbian tadpole.

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2. “You’re like a brother to me” You must be very stupid. You know the most annoying thing about this reason? Most times, the guy has invested so much into this pre-asking period. Homie has probably taken her on dates, dinners. Movies etc. My guy has likely even at some point mentioned how much he has in his bank account. See yeah, brotherman has entered his td Jakes “Naked & not ashamed” mode and just when he thinks there is nothing that could go wrong, Aunty puts him in the dreaded “like a brother zone” It’s not even like she puts him in the bro zone, e for better. The “like a brother” zone is non-confirmatory. It’s a “I don’t know what you are to me, but it’s somewhere between a brother and not a brother” In other words, “you confuse me” In other words “you’re a confusion”  If you’re in this zone, brother, you might want to drink rat poison while chewing on cockroaches.

Real

Real

3. “I like you too much to spoil what we have with a relationship” WHAT?!!! LMAOOOOO…This is similar to saying “I love playing FIFA but I don’t want to win a game so I don’t play” Does this make any iota of sense? It’s sayings like these that make me sometimes believe girls have ofio and sawdust where their brains ought to be. If you like him, what’s wrong with a relationship? Why not tell him the truth? This truth is probably (a. You don’t have money (b. She likes someone more (c. You smell (d. You really smell (e. You smell really bad. It’s never sex because she likely hasn’t had sex with you. Girls ain’t gon’ give the box up to some nigga who smells like a skunk wearing ammonium perfume. But yeah, it’s always better to just let out the truth.

4. “You’re a great guy but…” Look, if you ever hear this as opening statement, It’s ok to just stop her mid-sentence, shut her up, leave the location and never come back again. This is because what will follow will definitely fuck up your self-esteem for generations. Save yourself the damage. See, if not you’ll hear shit like “…you’re not just my type”, “…we can’t ever be together. “…You’re short and I want my kids to have a father they can look up to” or “…no one wants a 4 inch fully erect dick” See? Flee my nigga

There’s many more I’m sure but space won’t let me exhaust them all. I know you guys have experienced much more,  Here’s some…

g5PeD

Ladies, I love you and all but let that guy down easy. The truth is always better but if it’s going to hurt real bad, then shut the hell up and just say “no” Some scars are hard to remove and rather than be the witch appearing in his nightmares, be as nice as you can. If he can however handle the truth and keeps pressing for an explanation, then drop it like it’s hot .

Lastly, ladies I beg you…

Don’t be the one to suggest “Let’s still be friends”