Ebola 101

Oh come on, you know me better than that. That title is just really catchy, so I had to use something that will catch your attention. It’s just my way of making you want to click the link…

Now that I think about it, the entire blogosphere is saturated with new posts and sites telling you about the virus and how to prevent it and what not. So you people are already tired of hearing this shit. Meaning this title might actually drive people away.

Oh well, I’ve already started writing it, I might as well finish.

This post is gonna be short…like your life if you happen to catch the disease. (What? Too soon?) So I’m not gonna keep you here too long.

Ebola is really serious guys. It makes HIV look like a urinary tract infection. Sad part is that if you’re not American, there’s no cure for you. And everyone is responding crazily to it. (Which to me might be a bit excessive…but yeah, nobody wants to die, I get it.) You know, with people who weren’t using hand sanitizers now experts on how many germs exist in the universe and those who used to use hand sanitizers refusing to leave the house.

Amazing shit…really.


Brief History:

Ebola, AKA Ebola Virus Disease, AKA Ebola Hemorrhagic Fever, AKA EB for Short, AKA Don’t Touch It, Literally, AKA well…Ebola is a disease that began as far back as 1976. Which is when Bella first decided she wanted a taste of Bat meat and went for that vampire nigga Edward. Who gave her this terrible disease on their wedding night, breaking numerous beds in the process. After which she very happily passed it on to Jacob and the rest is history.

Fuck you Bella.


What’s actually funny to me is how the country has decided to treat the situation so… (gimme a word here, because “lightly” doesn’t quite cut it). How many people are suspected to have the virus? Why haven’t these people been quarantined? Who were the hospital staff that got infected? What’s up with those niggas? In a crowded city like Lagos why are these people still roaming free? Why the fuck have the airlines to and from infected countries not been shut down?

Speaking of airlines, I was on a plane to…well, I was on a plane. And the announcer said something along the lines of “In light of the recent Ebola virus outbreak, we will proceed to spray insecticide in the cabin. If you’re wearing contacts or you find that you react to the smell, please cover your eyes and nose”.

I dunno, it sounded something like that.

So, they’re now spraying insecticide on flights. An idea that I think would be fucking brilliant…you know, if Ebola was spread by mosquitoes. Even if they are spraying disinfectants, why are you spraying it while we’re already seated? What’s the ‘insecticide’ supposed to do? Kill the virus? Kill whoever happens to have the virus? Kill everybody on the plane?

Finally sha, fuck Arik for nearly giving me an attack with that unnecessary shit.

I plan to demand an iPad.

Anyway, in light of the current situation (and yes, pun intended) here are a few tips on how to prevent the deadly virus:

Ebola 101

  • No handshakes please. Employ a PA to be taking handshakes on your behalf.
  • Don’t touch your PA.
  • Hugs are not allowed too. Don’t make this awkward. You are all strangers. Do I know you?
  • Please please, no kissing vampires. Have you learned nothing?
  • If you’ve been shagging, stop. If you’ve not been shagging, sorry. Lame ass.
  • Don’t ever, ever wear red pants. (this has nothing to do with Ebola, it’s just a general rule to live by)
  • Ask your suya guy where he gets his meat. If he can’t give you a concise response, burn that mother fucking stand to the ground. Burn that mother fucker too. He’s a biological weapon.
  • Don’t even THINK of bearing the name Sawyer. (That goes for you too @MallamSawyerr)
  • While we’re at it, don’t think of bearing Patrick either. Be more creative goddammit.
  • Buy your own car.
  • Buy your own house.
  • Buy your own airport terminal.
  • Yeah, I would get my own country if I were you.
  • Ooh ooh! Your own planet!
  • Pray, and ask Jesus to come back quickly.

See? It’s not that hard to avoid the virus. Follow these easy steps and you should be fine.

On a more serious note, be safe guys. And be careful. And when you see me, wave. Please don’t make it awkward.

Thank you.

55 thoughts on “Ebola 101

  1. LMAO @ ‘I plan to demand an iPad.’ That shade is skrong.

    And, true. That red pants thing has gone on for so long without being addressed. My God.

    Hilarious post. Not a bad idea to contract the Ebola virus and die laughing.


  2. Also, don’t go for burials. Or any large gatherings. Or house gathering. Not even family prayers. Stay in your room. Preferably under your bed.

    Nice one Terdoh. I see you haven’t lost your skills, just your mind.


  3. LMAOOOOOOO. Terdoh i’m going to hug you whether you like it or not, don’t make it awkward please. I really really want to live in my planet alone with just plants because humans are just annoying party puff puff hoarders. oh and this Ebola thing too


    1. Best. Comment. Ever.

      Mostly because that’s exactly what these burnt jollof rice and soft plantain loving negroids really are… Party puff puff hoarders.

      Also, you know that move in Matrix where Neo was dodging bullets with his body horizontal and his feet firmly placed on the ground? That’s what’s gonna happen when you be trying to hug me.

      Ebola, like HIV, heaven, hell, Vladimir Putin, the Illuminati, my girlfriend, and much unlike imperfect plantain, and light skinned girls who text you back, is real. Gotta stay strapped.

      Thank you.


      1. Lmao, i thought i was the only one that did not believe in the existence of lightskinned girls who text you back shieeeed…i used to have a theory about relationship between egyptian milk, ADHD, and pure wickedness….but i am no expert, ebola is the beginning stages of the zombie apocalypse, Jesus is coming….but i am no pastor


  4. I hate you! Really!

    I also hate that I laughed at this. Well not really, I simply smiled, cos I hate you.

    Devil tryna kill the swag of my last name, but it can’t work. I’m a Sawyerr, extra “r” ain’t there by mistake.

    Have I mentioned that I hate you? Yeah, well, I do.


    Good to have you writing again you turd!


  5. Exactly!
    If we “do something” about the things we fear (like spray insecticide) then we must be safer……mustn’t we?

    Maybe we could have squads of insecticide sprayers in riot gear with backpack spray units that can “be deployed” (this is the correct terminology to use when dealing with scary things) to “alleviate the threat”…..whatever the threat may be.

    The insecticide squads could be “activated” by “proportional response” based on the level of media reporting of any perceived threat:

    Media reports on hurricane – insecticide squads take to the skies and spray clouds.
    Media reports on airport security – insecticide squads spray all incoming and outgoing passengers.
    Media reports on random gangland killing – insecticide squads deploy to “known trouble spots”, spraying the streets.
    Media reports on Ebola or antibiotic resistant strains of bacteria – squads spray hospitals.

    I like this idea so much that I’m beginning to feel unsafe because there are no insecticide squads here right now to protect me!


  6. You can do this by ensuring they eat sufficient fruit and vegetables.
    “Methylcobalamin is required for the function of the folate-dependent enzyme, methionine synthase. Not much research has been done to prove that this is the case though.


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