Things Nigerian Men don’t/Won’t do

Ok guys, this is one of those all of a sudden-inspired posts that I didn’t plan to write. Matter of fact, I was just scrolling through my twitter timeline like the peace-loving individual I am and then BAM!  I saw this:


And then a thought dribbled through my brain defences like…




And I tried to ignore but then I saw this:


So yes, here we are and yeah, you’re welcome.

Ladies are you paying attention because I shall say this only once and I believe once is enough for you. I mean, a word is enough for the wise and this is why wise people only speak once. Yes, a wise man once said this.

Most of you women just believe that because we are men, we are automatically some form of robot that can do anything and should in fact do everything. I’m sorry o but that’s far from the reality. Matter of fact, this is why some men have decided to be feminine seeing as they can’t cope with the demands of manhood. This has nothing to do with penis length. Thanks. As Nigerian men, here’s a list of some things you shouldn’t expect or ask us to do, please and thank you.

 1. OPEN DOORS: Now don’t get it twisted, I know some of you are already like “it’s a lie, my man opens doors for me all the time. Well, yeah, it could be that his locks are special, the car door is faulty or you’re a new girlfriend. But here’s where I need you to think carefully; Your man opens the car door for you when you’re getting in right? Does he open it as well after the drive is done? I can bet my 3 month income that he doesn’t. Are you even mad? So you’ll get to the destination and you’ll sit still like unmoving waters and wait for him to come round to open the door? No really? You don’t feel like a waste? LOL, stop watching these movies girl, it don’t happen. You better flex your right arm, reach out to the door handle, pull and get your butt off that seat. Or if it’s a special edition ride, ask him for the ‘window winder,’ reach outside the window, locate the door handle and then pull. Sometimes your shoulder might be needed to complete the door opening procedure


2. Kill cockroaches and huge fucking spiders: Baby, the last time I checked, I was an Engineer not a Pest/Rodent Control Officer. The Bible even says “…and God made man in His image after His own likeness…” “…and gave them dominion…” Dominion is derived from the Greek word *look up the Greek word and insert here* which means ‘dominate.’This domination was given to both man and woman so I don’t understand why it has all of a sudden become my duty to kill roaches and seek out rats. I don’t see the problem these guys are bringing our way. Do you see them with guns or bombs? They really aren’t a bother so why should we seek to cut their life short? I suggest a negotiation system. How about you leave the room and allow me reason with these guys? I’m sure we can reach some form of agreement. Pushing me to kill or tossing a slipper at me to handle the issue isn’t the best. PS: If we’re talking about flying roaches though, can we discuss this in some other room?


3. Nigerian men are not Investigators: So it’s 2am and we slept off after some hot-like-egusi sex and somehow you don’t sleep deep so you heard a sound originating from outside or downstairs. Two questions:

–          Why did you wake me?

–          Did the sound call my or your name?

–          Do I look like I major in handling sounds?

–          Why the fuck didn’t you just go check for yourself since you’re so attached to sounds?

I know that’s four questions, sorry this issue pains me. I mean, let sounds be. If you’re scared, just squeeze closer to me, hold me tighter. It helps if you’re sleeping naked as this gesture will arouse me and before you know it, we begin to make sounds of our own. Let us use sounds to eradicate the fear of sounds. Please, haven’t you seen that those who go to investigate sounds end up dead? Please biko, I still want to live this life.

4. Nigerian men can’t have abs, a baritone voice and beards: So you better “pick your choose2 very carefully. You women just think you can replace “tall, dark and handsome” with “beard, build and baritone” without sending a request to the Federal Senate? You can’t. It’s not done. Now I’m an exception, I mean I’ve got all three (shut up, I do) but the average Nigerian guy has the beard (most of you are just struggling but we’ll allow you), the build? Well not with those pot bellies that lead you around and abeg sounding like a conductor isn’t really baritone. So women, choose one.


5. Nigerian men won’t allow you drive their new car in his absence: Yes you’re the boo but baby, his ride is his gem. It’s not like what is his isn’t yours but see yeah? If you now bash the car, what will you say? Sorry? S-O-R-R-Y? You will now do face like a caught puppy and expect him to react? If your man lets you drive his new car, just know that if you bash it, you have to say ‘yes’ when he asks you to marry him, and note: he won’t ask kneeling down.

Of course there are other things Nigerian men can’t/won’t do but space hinders me from mentioning them all, I know some might wanna mention eating ass but I really know nothing ‘bout that shit and I don’t want to make unfounded assumptions.

Cheers yo!




27 thoughts on “Things Nigerian Men don’t/Won’t do

  1. I thought you’d have mellowed and matured by now. Alas, you haven’t. Your wisdom still masquerades as foolishness, your insight as idiocy. But that’s alright really. We like you like that. I think.



    I’m not laughing at the post; I’m laughing at the poor girl that expects me to kill cockroach and rat…



  3. I have a friend who opens the door for his babe, both into and out of the car. He also carries her bag. Quite hilarious though.

    I don’t mind killing cock roaches, spiders, mosquitoes and the likes but RATS? Nah please, man up for me baby.

    I’m not into this BeardGang ish. Or ass eating. Lol.


  4. Be gentlemen and open doors, mba! Oya kill insects n change bulbs, NO! Look sexy n protect ur woman, samsam! Ngwanu chop arse still NO! Abeg what do nigerian guys do?


  5. Loool. Wonderful Nigerian men. See, I can’t even wait for anyone to kill roaches and spiders. I’ll destroy them but i’m killing no rat, they’re little humans. #ThouShallNotCommitMurder


  6. Lol! You are something else really.
    We will still wake u when we hear sound tho, why do u want us to hear d sound alone? Pls share d burden of the sound bite….


  7. hehehehehehehehehehe! Ok, I’m really laughing out loud. Poor naija girls, we just had it confirmed that our men are…help me with a word here….hopeless doesn’t quite do it…..


  8. I laughed so hard I actually peed a bit. I found this blog via nairaland, and as an unapologeticaly sarcastic beeyotch myself, I say kudos to you, sir, for your powerful prose!


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