5 Things Nobody Tells You About Sex

Hey Guys, before you pelt me with rotten eggs and tomatoes, let me just cast myself. Firstly yes, we’ve been epileptic with posts. I take responsibility for that. I feel like I’m basically nearing the end of my writing sojourn here. These days, i’m short on ideas and I just want to manage things. Might have to do with more responsibility and shit. Funny enough, I’m pretty frequent with my posts on TNC so I don’t understand it. Anyway, yeah…

So last month, a friend sent me this post which I featured on TNC, for the benefit of those who didn’t read it, I thought to share it here.

Please enjoy…

Sex eh? Everyone talks about it. All the time. It must be amazing, right? Like eating magic plantain fried with the tears of 200 beautiful angels. Right? Maybe. I don’t know. Please don’t ask me abeg. I do know that sex is one of the few high-stakes activities in the world you can engage in with absolutely zero training, or licensing, or even basic mentoring. For the love of bread and moimoi, shouldn’t we all get licenses before sex? Do you not want to have a document with your name on it that says Certified Penis Operator? Or Validated Vagina Visa Holder? Or even Cocksmith General of the Federal Republic of Nigeria? No? Me neither.

Anyway, most of us received absolutely no training pre-sex. If you were lucky, your parents just told you to be careful, handed you a condom and said “Goodluck my son” or “Go forth and multiply” or if you were a girl “Please don’t disgrace me o.” or the less subtle “If you carry belle to this house, I will kill you” before throwing you to the wild.

So… let’s assume its your wedding night (LOL, ashewo like you). You assume you are prepared for sex. You think you know everything that is about to take place. You are wrong.

I am a nice fellow so let me tell you the 5 things you should know about sex that no one ever tells you (except me).

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1. Sex Smells

Look, there’s is no good way to put it but its true – sex is a smelly activity. Two people are mashing their genitals together violently like they are possessed by the spirit of Terry G, sweat rolling down  their least properly washed parts, fluids condemned by both god and man as unholy are leaking from their insides, just rolling out over thighs, sluicing through butt cracks, all in the tropical heat and a closed space, of course it’s going to get smelly in a hurry. You cant smell it usually because you get used to it or you are focused on something else (boobies!). So what does sex smell like? It depends on the people and how they are doing it but it is always clammy and thick and if anyone walks into the room while you are having sex, they will probably be able to taste it at the back of their throat and then they will wish they could die.

2. Sexhaustion is real

I wont lie, sex is hard work. Cardio of life. Fitfam = Slutfam. And for those of use that don’t run 5 miles a day, sometimes during sex you get to a point where you are so tired that sex actually stops being fun and becomes work – and not good work like sitting in an office of an oil company checking your Facebook page until it’s time for lunch. I mean work like hard labor, like cutting the grass on the 6 plots of land that used to be your grandfather’s farm using only a rusty table knife and a razor blade – the kind of work that you mindlessly bulldoze your way through – just because you don’t want to disappoint your partner who is like, really, really, horny right now. You’re standing behind (or you’re sitting on top of) them and just pounding your groin into theirs, desperately waiting for the end to come (hehe), like a merciful bullet to the head while you’re being tortured – and when it does, it’s basically euthanasia by orgasm. It comes (hehe), you disengage, you roll over and then sleep immediately.

3. Penis fit break

See, some women like to violently bounce up and down a guy’s long thing as they are pumping water from an abandoned well in the sahara – well, be careful because if you land in the wrong position, you can absolutely break his penis. While there is no actual bone in a penis, there are two cylinders of tissue that become rigid during an erection, and if you have sex too hard, it can break with a cracking sound. Fun fact: this is more likely to happen when a man is cheating, according to the University of Maryland Medical Center. So that’s something to add to your list of ‘safe sex’ practices – Not every time ride penis like dragon, sometimes gentle humping.

4. There will be Vagina Farts (aka Queefs)

Farting during sex is one of the worst things anyone can do to someone they claim to love. It is a terrible terrible thing. I mean, things are smelly enough already, why you have to go and add rotten egg to the horror? But, when you are having sex, you are hammering large quantities of air into a tight, moist space (hehe). The queef is as much a part of sex as much as Namadi Sambo is part of the Nigerian government, even though he doesn’t really seem to be and nobody acknowledges it. So sooner or later, while pounding, a massive, squeaky farting sound will occur (just like Namadi Sambo) as you mash your naughty bits into her naughty bits. It can’t be helped most of the time but it is still embarrassing when you hear that unmistakable sound. And most of the time, both of you will just pretend it never happened (Just like Namadi Sambo) because no one wants stop having sweet, sweet sex just to have that an argument about whether she just queefed or if he just farted.

5. Sex is slimy

Natural Sex = Slime, most of the time. This only occurs when you’re not using condoms. If you are (and you better be, you rotten meat bag of syphilis) then maybe this hasn’t happened to you, yet. It’s simple though, what goes up (or down, or to the side, or slides in from behind, or is poured into the front, whatever) must come down at some point. So, once sex is over and you are both done exchanging juices, unless the woman keeps her legs up in the air to prevent it, said juices will start to leak all over the place. If the guy is still under her, then she gets to return his white gift and if she is under him then she spills the cocktail of his baby batter and her natural engine oil down her ass crack and then all over the bed unless someone scrambles for some tissues or a towel, or a rag, or a T-shirt to wipe everything down before your both drown in your own body stews. Nice imagery isn’t it? Isn’t sex fun, kids?

What I’m saying is – you probably didn’t think you would need a sex towel did you? Or that sex would smell so weird? Or that you could break your penis if you go too hard? Or that women fart via vagina? Mills and boon didn’t tell you about that did they? Welcome to real life, my friends, now please, enjoy all the smelly, slimy sex.

– Mr. Anonymous