In the year 1960, my great-grand father, Sadiq (nicknamed “Sir Dick” for his lengthy penis) wrote down a few guidelines for the future Nigerian (male) youths with the hope of sneaking it into the constitution. Sadly, it was rejected and called “a huge waste of time”. Sadiq is dead but I, El-Farooq shall carry on his legacy and share his rules with you with the hope that lives will be touched. [don’t ask how he knew about stuff like FIFA games & selfies back in 1960, just umm…play along]. Ladies, you can read this too & set your man straight:
editors note: I mean, if he’s not straight and he’s your man, you already have a problem
1. In a game of FIFA (or in actual football kick-around) with your buddies you are NOT allowed to refer to a “cross” as a “pull-out”. This is to avoid controversial statements such as “O boy! Bayo, that pull out mad oh. See as you no even waste time just dey use pull out dey finish me. And you come sabi head well. Na you bad pass for pull-out & heading”.
2. Under no circumstance is a guy allowed to use his hard earned money to purchase an umbrella neither is he allowed to use one (except while sharing it with a lover). However, he is allowed to accept it as a souvenir at a wedding but must dump it in the closest trash right after the reception is over.
editors note: No really, are there guys that buy umbrellas? Are they still referred to as guys?
3. Every guy must have Livescores.com bookmarked on his (and his girlfriend’s) phone/PC. Every guy. Every.
editors note: Some ‘guys’ just went “what’s livescores?” You my friend need to handover your man card. Terdoh doesn’t have Livescores by the way
4. Even if a guy hates basketball, when your mates are talking about the NBA you are to chip in the exact words: “But man, Vince Carter killed it at the 2000 slam dunk contest. Christ!” OR “T-Mac’s 13pts in 33seconds against Spurs is still one of the greatest comebacks of all time, though.”
5. When hosting your friends for an EPL or UCL game (or the El-Classico) it is only normal that the host provides the alcohol while the friends must all bring different variety of “chow” (pizza, suya etc). It wouldn’t hurt for the friends to bring along emergency alcohol, though.
6. Any lady who perfectly explains the offside rule in football should first be double-checked for a penis & upon passing this test should be treated like the goddess that she is.
editors note: and you best start treating ‘her’ as one of the guys. These ‘girls’ are the ones you need to hide your PS pad from. NEVER CHALLENGE THEM TO A GAME!!!
7. No skinny jeans.
8. Every guy should have his own badass tailor who sews his own suit for him. Even the greatest ‘suit wearer’ of all time had his.
9. In the immortal words of Big Ghost, a guy is permitted a maximum of 5 selfies per year. If however he does not exhaust these 5 takes, he is not permitted to carry what’s left over to the next year. The count must be restarted.
10. You are permitted to sing R&B songs in a Karaoke bar. It is one of the 2 places on earth where guys are allowed to hit high notes. The 2nd being a (non-prison) shower.
editors note: and please, never speak of what transpired in there with yo homies once you walk out the door.
11. If a guy spends the night in police custody he is required to spit a rap freestyle consisting a minimum of 16bars to his buddies.
12. You are not allowed to perform CPR on a fellow guy you’re not related to. Let him die in (straight) peace. I’m sure he’ll understand.
Exception: You work for the Red Cross.
13. A guy is not permitted to be a designated non-drinking driver for more than 3 night outs in a row with the hommies. Seriously, just watching your buddies have all the fun & destroy their liver is both lame & wicked. Smart & responsible, yes, but more of lame & wicked.
14. A guy must engage in coital activities with a lady while being tied up and Christina Aguilera’s “Nasty Naughty Boy” playing in the background at least once in his life time.
15. A guy is permitted to cry tears of joy on his wedding day. No G-points shall be deducted from his gangster-account.
editors note: afterall, it’s not everyday you tie your nuts.
16. Just like in #4, it doesn’t matter if you’re not a fan of the rap genre or not, every “Who’s the greatest rapper?” argument may last for minutes, hours or in extreme cases, days but must be halted when one party alters the words “Well, the greatest rapper of all time died on March 9th”.
17. No matter how close they are, no two unrelated guys should EVER see a movie at the cinema past 7 o’clock… except Delta Force 1 becomes available in 3D.
18. If a guy ever leaves his house to buy a pad then it better be for his Play Station or X-Box and NOT for his girlfriend or ex-box (apologies for the corny pun).
19. A guy is permitted ONLY ONE pedicure & manicure session in a life time & this must be done when he’s away on a business trip to another city where no one there has a clue who he is.
N/B: This rule has no loophole. Even if you give your life to Christ & become “born again” it still counts as one life time.
20. A guy is permitted only one barber per city. This barber, besides his excellent hair cutting skills must meet the golden law:
When standing, a barber’s pelvic region must be lower or higher than (but never the same level as) his seated client’s head.
[This rule prevents a barber’s emergency boner from having to strike his client on the face or the back of the head.]
21. “Dangerously In Love” is the greatest Beyoncé song of all time & thus, it’s understandable for a guy to play this while thinking about the woman he intends to spend the rest of his life with. However, “Run The World(Girls)” is complete trash and should never be found on a guy’s iTunes.
N/B: Every guy, upon access to a lady’s laptop, must search for this song in her music folder, hold down the shift key & alter the words “F*ck that sh*t!” while aggressively striking the delete key.
22. A guy without the ability to grow facial hair has two options to make up for it:
-Work out at the gym for 28hrs a week to make up for it with a buff body.
-Take his life by jumping off a bridge.
23. Upon seeing a flying cockroach in the presence of a lady friend, a guy is to puff out his chest and tell his (presumably) freaked out lady friend “don’t worry baby, I’ll kill it”, walk out the room, let out a shriek (inaudible to the lady friend in the room), do 10 push-ups then go back there and kill it. Running away wouldn’t be such a bad idea.
24. When one of your buddies is pretending to be a celebrity in order to pick up a chic, all the remaining members of the crew are required to act star-struck and ask for a picture when they walk past him. Autographs are too damn suspicious in this part of the world.
25. A guy is required to carry his extremely wasted friend all the way home & leave a bottle of water & chow beside him. When he wakes up & the whole story of how you carried him home is being relayed to him, he is to express his gratitude of the kind gesture with only two words “My nigga!” & never speak of it again.
26. Just like a guy has his own preferred brand of beer (HEINEKEN!!) and/or rum (CRUZAN!!), a guy must have his own preferred brand of Newspaper which he must read at least 3 times a week. Seriously, you’re a man, read the damn papers & know about the happenings in the country.
27. Nature played a cruel prank us by making bananas go with nuts (groundnuts). While it is obviously not avoidable, there are rules for eating it:
-Two guys must never make eye contact while eating a banana.
-A guy eating a banana in public must break off part of it and eat but never put the whole thing in his mouth.
-A guy purchasing a banana must not complain/compliment the bananas & nuts. This is to avoid statements such as “Your banana too strong jor. You wan kill me?” or “This banana too soft. Be like say you no like me. Give me better banana jor”
28. A guy is to hold open the door of his car for a lady to enter except he has paid for her services or she is a feminist.
29. 3 things a guy must never admit to having no experience in; Driving a stick, killing a chicken and making a lady cum.
30. *To be filled by reader*