That Solomon was epic.
And God said “dude. What do you want?” And Solomon didn’t ask for money, clothes or hoes. He asked for common sense. And Premium Common Sense™ was granted to him. And two women came to argue over whose child it was. But Solomon had seen this episode of Desperate Housewives before, so he solved that shit with ease.
And Solomon married like 300 hunned hoes. And Fela was like “damn”. And it was nothing. Cos Solomon wasn’t satisfied with having a different box every day cos that leaves out 65 days. So Solomon had like 700 more concubines. And the Bible doesn’t tell us if they were all female, but I’m not saying anything.
And Solomon was a thrill nigga. Cos Solomon didn’t forget any of their anniversary dates. And Solomon prolly called all his hoes by name. Cos he was wise. And Solomon tried everything ma nigga. All kinds of alcohol, weed, had like 3 orgies daily, prolly wrote the Karma Sutra book, and Solomon was tired of being so real and declared it all vanity and decided to be a poet.
And Solomon wrote love poems on some R Kelly shit, and died.
And it came to pass…
That David had 3 mighty men. Even though we’re only gonna talk about two. And these niggas made Leonidas and his band of 300 merry men look like runway models. And these niggas. And they were called Josheb-Basshebeth, Eleazar, and Shammah.
And Josheb-Basshebeth (we’re just gonna call him Josheb yeah? Cool) was the head of the 3. And this nigga killed 800 people in one day. Meaning he probably woke up at 6am, brushed his teeth, freshened up for war and looked daper as fuck, swagged all the way out to the battle field around 8:30am, probably, and started whooping niggas asses. He also had to sleep, cos real niggas don’t play with they sleep. Meaning he prolly went back to his pimped out tent at about 8:30pm. So 800 people in 12 hours. That’s like 66 people every hour. That’s 1 person every minute.
And this nigga didn’t even take a water break man, this nigga was turnt. Shaun T better watch out.
And then there was Eleazar. When he Dude was online one night when the Philistines were slandering them. Then the philistines attacked and all the punk ass niggas retreated. But not ma nigga Zar. Zar stood alone and was slaying bitch niggas left, right & center like it was nothing. Then the Isrealites joined him but all that was left to do was cleanup.
And so it came to pass…
That Joseph could read minds yo.
Okay, no. He couldn’t. But that nigga could dream on some Martin Luther King shit. And he told his brothers that he was gon’ be the greatest and they hated him cos he was too real for them. And they sold their own flesh and blood to the Egyptians dawg the men in the old testament had no regard for their brothers since Cain and Abel.
And Joseph legit went into slavery but somehow found himself in Potiphar’s house. And Joseph was so fresh and so clean with his white linen on that Potiphar’s wife’s pussy had a seizure when she saw him. Shit was mad real man. Joseph used to walk by and she would get so wet she would swim back to her room.
And one day she couldn’t take it anymore, so she called Joey Fresh to her room and she offered Joe the box. And Joe legit turned it down like a popped collar ma nigga.
For this reason alone, Joseph the thrillest nigga to ever walk in Egypt. And God looked down and was like “That’s my boy” and God made him Prime Minister.
And Potiphar’s wife had to buy a dildo.
And so it came to pass…
That Samson was so strong he grew his dada by pulling hair out of his head and was such a badass that he killed niggas with the jaw of an ass. I didn’t even know butt cheeks had jaws man this nigga was too real. And the Philistenes were all like “whoa”.
And the Philistines got together and decided the only way to bring him down was to send a lightskinned hoe his way. So they sent Delilah and Delilah got Samson’s number on Facebook and sent Samson some nudes on Whatsapp.
And Samson flew over to Delilah’s crib for the weekend.
And Samson definitely wasn’t hitting it right. Cos if he was, Delilah wouldn’t have had the strength to ask him stupid questions like “what is the secret of your strength?” after sex. Cos she would be passed the fuck out from all that good dick.
And it came to pass that Samson told her the secret to his strength like a punk ass bitch lil nigga cos we all know we don’t trust these hoes. And Delilah sold him out to the Philistines. And the world’s most famous haircut happened and Samson died.
And Delilah retired as a professional loud mouth, hair styling hoe and decided to go ‘inspire’ / seduce the members of the Plain White Tees.
And it came to pass…