Single Pringles

Why hello there. It’s been a hot minute right? My apologies really. I’m even tired of making apologies but thing is I’ve been mad busy with life, work, avoiding getting arrested and/or beat up and organizing the “Letters To My Ex” series on TNC which was a massive success by the way. What?! You missed that? Shit. Catch up here. I wrote Letter number 5.

So anyway, those letters successfully started off lots of conversations, responses and lots more. Some even craved the opportunity to respond and I couldn’t help but wonder what that’ll look like. So yeah, sooner than later or maybe later (so as not to overflog the letter writing), we’ll have our special letter series (you read it here first) Today however, I want to address a different issue.

address: different issue

LOOOOOOOOOOOL..I’m really so funny.


Not even a bit?


If you’ve been reading my stuff here of recent, you will note I’ve been writing quite a lot on relationships. I don’t even know why o, it’s not like I’m like @8plus9 or @thetoolsman that are experienced in these matters. It however might be because I’ve been reading their stuff a whole lot and they are influencing my thought process. Shut up! I say again, it’s not because I’m single. Anyway today, I got wondering and I don’t do that often but when I do, I really do. So I sat there and asked my self a question, I said “Self!” Self was like “yeah?” I’m like “Self, why are you single?” and self was like “you should ask yourself” and i looked at self like O_o , “I’m asking you though, why you asking me to ask myself?”, Self got all defensive and raised his voice by itself and was like “Why are you asking you? I said you should ask yourself!”

So that discussion berthed this topic: Ask YOURSELF, why are you single?


Now I’m going to attempt to answer this question from different viewpoints, I may or may not be wrong and you might find that you belong to one or more of the categories. I don’t know.

– You’re Ugly.


See yeah, who makes the yardstick for what is ugly and what isn’t ugly?Who set the standards for beauty? Isn’t beauty in the eyes of the beholder? Aren’t Segoon Arinze, Bola Tinorbu and Razerk Awkoya married. The people that married them, do they not know beauty when they see it? Look if your excuse for being single is because you’re ugly, then you need to wake up from that thought, remove the tree trunk in your eye and find the woman that loves you for what..sorry, who you are. Facial constitution is not a barrier to love. That area boy that doesn’t even brush daily and looks like a rumpled paper from a 2B note still has one babe that calls him ‘onny’ on the regs. My friend, gather up your balls and walk up to that lady. Let your inner beauty speak for you! Let your charm and charisma sweep her off her feet! Let the baritone of your voice cause a dam to burst open in the region between her thighs! Let…ok, I’m getting carried away. You get my drift.

1- You don’t have money.


So you’re the type of nigga that sets off bank alarms when you pass by becuase even the building can smell your broke ass from miles away. I mean, you’re so broke you don’t even get credit alerts simply because there’s no money to debit you from. But you love some babe, however you’ve been told that relationships are expensive and you need some finance to maintain the fuel of love. Let me tell you brethren; Money should not stop you from commiting to a woman. Look, do you think the Lord cannot bless you with a woman that is willing to ignore the absence of money? Oh? OH? I can hear the murmurings. Look my nigga, I’d have said ignore the things you see in Nollywood movies but I remembered your ass can’t even afford a TV. so yeah, here’s what you do: Find yourself a rich babe. HOW? I don’t know abeg.

2-You’re a Player.


Most guys today are single simply because they already have what they want. Do you know the pleasure that comes with having access to watch DSTV when you want without paying subscription? No aunty, tell me why that guy will commit to you when he’s already finished work? So yeah, guys have noticed that they can play trial matches for different clubs before deciding which club they’ll permanently join. So rather than put their all into impressing at the trials, they put up an average performances. These guys eventually get to the point where they realize that there’s more to life than playing but this realization might take forever. Be there forming player up and down o, continue. Until your mates all settle down and the only settling you’re doing is on your couch, eating regrets out of a paper bag while tears stream down your face. No continue…

3-You’re Handsome. Unlike the ugly ones, this group actually believe that they’re God’s gift to women. They feel like they were sculpted from the fabric of beauty itself. These guys walk abi float and act like they dont even shit. if they shit sef, their shit don’t stink. Their shit is probably what mars bars are made from. Enough of this shit. So yeah, they wait for the perfect woman that complements their looks but the snag is that they lack so much in personality, sense, manners and the basic things that make up a normal human being. Can you tell i’m pissed at their shit? Look, its not like I’m not fine. I mean, on a scale of 0 – Idrils Elba, I’m probably a Taye Diggs (yeah he does look like me) but yeah…You better stop deceiving yourself up and down, you think all the “OMG! You’re so fine” you get on IG make you some sort of superstar. My nigga, humble yourself and let the Lord exhalt you…or not. By the way, opposites attract, I’m just saying.

4- Your Member is too big.

download (8)

You’re actually a humanitarian because you’re considering the damage you will wreck if you attempt to put your baton inside her. This is why you’re single. I mean, people don’t appreciate what you’re doing because they don’t understand  but it’s ok my nigga. Your type is rare. Keep doing you. (Yes I mean masturbating). More grease to your…palms?

5- You’re Ugly and Broke . Brother, relationship is not for everyone 1 cor 7:8

6-You’re me

Well, I’m sure I haven’t exhausted all the reasons. There are likely more reasons why you’re single. Maybe because you’re waiting for a prticular babe to break up, maybe you don’t believe in dating before marriage (ehm, yes ke) or maybe you’ve just decided that you want to be an eunuch or something. If you’re single, please share your reasons and feel free to add more using the comments box. The “un-singles” are welcome too.

53 thoughts on “Single Pringles

  1. i ain’t single, thank God. u really know how to motivate people sha.
    still… being single aint a disease, enjoy it while it lasts.
    im here thinking of bday present, Xmas present n vals day is around d corner, ugh!


  2. Hilarious!!! Lmao @ you don’t believe in dating before marriage… But seriously though why am I single? Food for thought! (Yes, that’s me announcing that I’m single… take a hint guys).

    Just when I was about to ask what body part I had to give to get a new post… very refreshing piece.


  3. Lol. Urm… How about… I’m single because I still don’t understand relationships. Like how anyone would be totally in love this minute, and indifferent the next. Wouldn’t you rather stay on your own?


  4. LOOOL. I actually stopped coming on this blog cos of that mermaid piece. It hurt me. But I’m down for any singles gist. I like reasons No 4 and 5. No 4 guys, you have hope yet. Many tunnel box gyals turning up so be happy. No 5 biko get money first, don’t even think twice about it.


  5. And yeah, I’m single because I’m downright old school. I’m a flowers and surprise kinda gyal. Too romantic for dem boys. Lol


  6. I ask myself this question every other time, and these are the answers that come up;

    1. All the girls I “like” stay in different time zones (read: cities)
    2. I am too broke to date girls in different time zones. I would want to use skype, but data is a problem.
    3. 9-5
    4. I don’t drink enough alcohol to let me see beneath the beautiful.

    You didn’t say why you’re single though.


  7. Lmaoo!! @ No 5…interesting piece I must say. And about why I’m still single,I actually dunno maself but when I had the same conversation with ‘self’,he said something about just not being ready yet and all *shrugs* Being single is still fun tho 😀


    1. It’s safer to say u no get liver dan to be famzin d reasons stated above o!

      Nice piece bro! Dunno why I’m single too tho…#stayingsingle

      Lmao @basket of love o


  8. I guess I’m waiting 4 Mr Perfect…or not! I just need something better than my previous r/ship, perhaps lead me to the highest level(marriage) who knows? *shrugs* I do know I’m very picky @ d moment or may I say careful.


  9. I go with number 1 & 2. Relationships are expensive yo. If you don’t have money, better maintain your single st
    And if you need ‘some’ You can always pay for bootay. Relatively cost-effective


  10. Erm to the issue. I think I am single because
    1. I have no source of income, still rely on the small allowee my parents give to me. And you know money lubricates love Lol.
    2. All the girls I eventually get attracted to chase me off with the littlest drama. (Thanks to a bad relationship I once had)
    3. All the good girls all seem to be taken or older than me.
    4. I do not ‘appreciate the beauty’ of the girls that are attracted to me right now. In other words I do not find them sexually compatible and attractive (no i’m not superficial).

    Will be back when I think of more reasons.


  11. Loooool. As the owner of a Platinum membership card of the Forever alone club, I have come ro accept my fate peacefully. In other words mo ti gbakamu.
    Mi o fine, mi o lowo, No hope.


  12. Lmao, I actually opened my bible o!!! Welcome broda o, your long absense has made me comment for the 1st time and even stalk you on twitter :D. Everyday once I see “Thankful” it puts a smile on my face. Lol, don’t fear though,not crushing, just appreciative of your writing style and sense of humor and also NOT single.
    Letters to the ex series was a HUGE success I must say. Kudos.


  13. When i grow up, i want to be able to write as good as broda saka…:)

    Err….as to y i am single…i dont have the cahunas to walk to a chick…sad…yea i know!


  14. Well… I’m single at the moment because I’m enjoying my freedom (don’t know if this makes sense, lol). I’m actually just being careful.
    Relationships are overrated though. I’m happy being single. No hassles.


  15. Well… I’m single at the moment because I’m enjoying the freedom of being single (don’t know if this makes sense, lol). In reality, I’m actually just being careful.
    Relationships are overrated though. I’m happy being single. No hassles.


  16. I used to think I’m single because I don’t like to get tied down, but I think it’s more like I haven’t seen the rope I would like to get tied with. No, this isn’t any kinky shit.


  17. I think the problem I have is not even being able to stay single. I mean just when I have a break up I am already in another relationship. It feels kinda strange coz sometimes you tend to forget who you are you need breathing space just to sort things out.
    I am not saying I don’t enjoy being in a relationship, I am just saying that it won’t be a bad idea to have sometime to one’s self.


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