Good afternoon people.
How many of you kept up with Wale on twitter days prior to the release of Ambition? Did y’all notice how nervous he was? That was exactly how I felt when Terdoh informed me the Guy unchained Vol. 1 was TSC worthy. Honestly, I was thinking the article wouldn’t get up to five appreciative comments but y’all proved me wrong, it got over 13 comments!! Yes! It’s such a big deal for me, for a minute I forgot I had a big dick. I mean it was sorta a Yeezus moment for me like I didn’t have to throw in funny pictures here and there.
NOW THE APOLOGY:
I never planned to take this long in putting out the second volume but believe me, it was for the better. See, the story is non fictional and was quite incomplete at the time I started writing the first volume. I have always been an optimistic person who thinks optimism is good, I was sure of winning. You feel me, right?
-this is where you as a loyal reader who wants to read the second volume of this story puts your left hand on your chest and say “YES”.
BACK TO BUSINESS
Y’all already know Yvonne came to my place and I decided to put in the work, right?
ME: had you been expecting me to say the L word?
I was sure of everything. My plan was Kim-Kardashian-ass perfect, I could tell she was taking aback by the question.
HER: You never had the courage to say it back then when you used to visit me twice a day, call me thrice a day and I can’t possibly tell what drug is trying to give you the courage to that now.
That was a bit mean. I didn’t grimace though; I have learnt to put on a poker face over the time. I starred at her eyes for some while, it was then I realised her eye balls were brown. The atmosphere was intimately calm.
ME: I am not planning to say the L word yet, my lady. I am just trying to see if you are expecting something more than just a mere sexual relationship from me.
That was a bold but necessary move. Her face was expressionless, I couldn’t tell if she took it well or not.
HER: oh! It’s such a pity, you know. Your libido has more courage than your heart, aren’t you ashame?
“ashamed” I quickly corrected.
HER: I should be leaving, Frank. Thanks for the entertainment.
…and she left. Just like that! My ego was a bit wounded, it was smashed, crushed, melted, refrigerated and broken but I still saw that as a “bit wounded.” Entertainment? That’s what she called it? Who’s gonna be horny at night? Who’s gonna be tempted to masturbate with a big kitchen spoon? I agreed with myself and my demons not to call her but to go searching for a next one.
Many days went by, fam and everything was still stale. I literally woke up to find “bean seeds” on my bed, my balls were navy blue in colour and I was still searching for a next one.
P.S: I am very selective.
After few more days of masturbating with a big kitchen spoon (I guess), she called. I felt my soul moonwalking to my ringtone for a while before I picked the call.
ME: hey! Come by 4pm then.
HER: what! I am already on my way. Wait! How did you know I was coming?
Nice move, right?
ME: my instincts. I miss you.
HER: oh my! Honestly, I am speechless. Is it moment of truth already? I have been thinking about you, you are now funny and interesting. You deserve more than bare friendship.
Life is no nollywood. I was twice as surprised as you. Things were beginning to fall in place while I was still yet to finish the Chinua Achebe most talked about novel, THINGS FALL APART. She came in no time, we ate while talking about different things (only children and older people obey table manners), she refused eating the piece of meat on her plate though and gave an excuse of being a vegetarian. It was all fun sha plus she gave me a kiss and that sorta started everything. The gods finally put me in the game.
She visited regularly, she brought gifts regularly and got fucked what?
-this is where you all stand up and say “REGULARLY” in unison.
That was where I lived up to before sharing the first volume on TSC with y’all.
NOW THE EPILOGUE
After an exhausting sex session..
HER: this thing we are having, what does it mean to you?
Can’t a young nigga write jamb only once? Pffft! We all hate that question, right?
ME: why catch feelings when you can request for another round?
HER: wait! You just want me for sex? You want to treat me the way you treat other girls?
I was confused.
ME: yes! I want you for only sex. Sweet and amazing sex and what other girls are you talking about?
HER: Am I the only one you are interested in?
ME: you used to be but not again. I found someone more interesting, her name is Tonye.
HER: Tonye? But Tonye is my friend. What’s so special about that girl that fucks around? I don’t wanna believe you are into elasticity challenged vaginas.
Do girls really have “friends?”
ME: I don’t care, my lady. With the size of my dick, every pussy is tight.
HER: you think you are funny?
ME: and interesting. You said that yourself. I don’t understand why a vegetarian would fall in love with this particular piece of meat.
I said waving my dick at her. Boss!
She just wore her clothes, picked her bag and left. The only thing sweeter than revenge is pussy and I got both, BOSS BAWSE!
P.S: I just finished reading THINGS FALL APART.