So here I was doing my regular rounds of wasting insane amounts of time on the internet reading articles and looking for something to write about when I stumbled on a picture by Advice Mallard duck that said something along the lines of “Go back and watch those movies you watched as a child, the movies don’t change, but your views on them do” or something like that.
So I decided, what the hell. There’s all this unused bandwidth. Might as well…
I spazzed on Disney. I mean, Disney literally owns our childhoods. Let’s face it. More than half the shit we watched on Channels Tv every afternoon between 12 and 6 was made by Walt’s studios.
So here we are downloading everything from Hercules to Lion King 1, 2, and 1½ to Anastasia, to the still funny 101 Dalmatians, to Jungle Book, to Lilo and Stitch, to goddamn Peter Pan (this movie was created in 1953 by the way so if you saw the premiere, please this post is not even remotely for you. Click here to go where you ought to be.)
One thing I discovered was that there were so many sequels to the cartoons we watched as kids. I didn’t even know Mulan had a part 2.
And the Good Lord knows I saw a whole lotta stuff! This will probably constitute a new series. Maybe I’ll start a column on Disney discoveries and shit. But before I go too far with my plans, today we will be talking about a little girl in a little movie titled “The Little Mermaid”.
For those who either didn’t have a childhood, or were too busy rolling tyre on the streets (don’t act posh, we all know an Isiwaju) here’s a quick synopsis:
So the King of the Sea, Triton (that’s supposed to be Poseidon) had a rebellious little princess, Ariel, who wanted to explore and see what was out there above the sea like all these young bitches these days; can’t stay at home, always wanna turn up on some beach.
Ariel’s dad forbids that shit but Ariel, being the hoe that she was, it just made her want it more. Ariel saves a prince, Eric, from a shipwreck, and on THAT SAME DAY falls in love with the prince. But she can’t be with the prince cos she got a fish tail see? So she goes to meet the sea witch Ursula to give her legs. Ursula agrees, on one condition: Ariel gotta trade her voice in for legs yeah? And if the homie Eric doesn’t lock lips with her after three days, Ariel goes back to being a mammy water and comes to be a slave to Ursula.
Seems like a sweet deal, doesn’t it?
Even back then in my childhood I thought Ariel was a dumb broad. I mean, lose your voice so you can get to make out and get legs to spread huh? But she was just 16, and so desperately in love, so we’re not judging.
Meanwhile, at the point where Ariel saves Prince Eric the Dumb, she sings to him. So he recognizes her voice. Then he comes to and he sees her. He sees her, people. Now tell me, when you look at this face, what’s the most striking feature to you?
No it’s not the eyes. Let’s have that again just so we’re clear. What is the most striking feature about this chick?
That’s right. We don’t have to think long and hard about this. It’s the red hair. There’s a lot of red hair running around. You can’t miss it. It wasn’t like it was at night. This ain’t no club pickup. It was in broad daylight.
Let’s just keep that in mind while we continue.
So Eric, being an 18 year old man-whore also falls in love with Ariel (or the idea of her) and decides he’s not gonna marry anyone till he finds her. Then one day, his dog (who was present during the famous rescue) finds her, Ariel, on the seashore. This is after Ariel had traded her voice for legs so she can’t speak and say “kiss me nigga”. But any logical human with senses should recognize a face like that. I mean, if you can recognize the voice, you can recognize the freaking face. Men are naturally visual beings. Right?
Nope, not our dear prince.
So he takes her in cos he’s a good-natured whore then he decides he should show her around. So they go on a boat trip, on water, because a mermaid has to return to her roots.
Introducing Sebastian the Crab. One of the dumbest Disney characters right after this nigga right here:
And this nigga right here:
But we’ll get to that. Eventually.
During the boat trip, her accomplice and ‘guardian’ Sebastian, starts singing “Kiss the girl”. During which he even whispers “her name is Ariel” to the Prince.
Now, I don’t get that. Sebastian knew she had to get that kiss. Sebastian knew what was at stake. If he could whisper her name to Eric, why didn’t he just go “Look bitch, cut the crap and kiss the girl otherwise she’ll be eternally bound to the sea witch. We literally don’t have all day”? But no….it seemed more logical to get the entire aquatic race to come perform an orchestra.
Was a good song though. I want it played at my wedding.
It almost worked anyway. They almost kissed, but Ursula’s minions, Flotsam and Jetsam, (who comes up with these names?) disrupted the party. And since Ursula didn’t want to take any chances, she decides to come make sure Ariel doesn’t get any tongue action. So she appears on land as a woman. And since she has Ariel’s voice, she just walks around the beach singing where she knows Eric will hear her.
Now tell me, Prince Eric you dumb piece of shit, does this look like a red haired beauty queen to you you ridiculous idiot?
I’m still pissed.
Eric the Blind takes in Vanessa (who’s really Ursula) and puts Ariel in the friend zone and decides to marry Vanessa and Ariel cries like a lil’ bitch and yadi yadi ya. Then Ariel gets captured cos her time ran out and she didn’t get that much desired make-out session and then the king, Triton, in a bid to free his daughter, exchanges his soul for hers.
Man, there was some major dumb shit in this movie.
Then the mighty Ursula grows into this big ass monster and Prince Eric uses a splintered ship mast to kill her. That was the end.
And I’m here looking like “what the fuck did I just see?” I felt like I did when I watched Man Of Steel and Kal-El snapped Zod’s neck. Like “That’s it? That’s all?”
Man, I want my childhood back.
Note: Not once did they show Eric’s parents in the movie, or Ariel’s mother.
We really grew up watching teenage girls with clueless guardians who ‘fall in love’ on the first date and trade their most important gifts for
legs and a vagina so they can whore about with brainless, fatherless princes who want nothing more than the woman of their dreams but can’t identify them if they were staring them in the face.
But then again, that’s exactly what’s happening today. So I guess Disney was just predicting the future in their cartoons.