Joo-Joo

Hey guys.

Let’s talk about juju. What do you see, feel or imagine when you hear the word Juju?

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This?
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Or this?

I would like to state emphatically that true Juju, good or bad, IS, and is within every single person you’ve ever met with/currently relate with or you’re yet to meet. I’ll explain.

After having asked several people at random , the general consensus as to the actual definition of Juju seems largely determinable by three factors; Where you’re from, how and where you were raised, and by whom (or what) raised you.

But for the purpose of this gist, I will like to talk about THIS genre of Juju

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She scares Satan. Go figure

Although it’s not really why we’re here today, I’ll neither agree nor argue with anyone who postulates that Juju is a function of the individual’s mindset. With the mind’s power trailing its efficacy in most cases like any other placebo, that would be a hard case to accept or refute.

You might want to read that again slowly to grasp the understanding of the immense magnanimous brilliance I just spewed.

See, no matter who you currently are, as long as you were born human, at some point or the other, you still are were once scared  of those diabolical, unmentionable, unexplained (and probably unexplainable) things you maybe haven’t experienced yet but you’ve been told could happen in or to your very reality.

Especially if you’re a Nigerian, raised in Nigeria.

Here?
Where superstition is a living thing?
LOL. It’s unwritten but you’re expected to believe. So you can solicit sympathy/assistance when you’re faced with circumstances beyond your ken.

Let me illustrate.

The hypothetical average Mr Bomboy steps out of his house in the morning and gets blindsided by a car ten ways to Sunday and survives. Before long, you start hearing “He survived? It’s Juju.”

OR, Mr Bomboy dies. On the spot. You start hearing stuff like “it was Juju. The road was thirsty.”

As per Fanta or Coke is too mainstream yeah?

OR, Mr Bomboy dies later in the hospital. Give it time. Yup, you’ll hear the “it was Juju” theorists.

Or Mr Bomboy has suffered for at least 2 decades in abject poverty and then one day shit was to happen (as shit always does) either by Bomboy’s machination or nah, and Bomboy’s fortune gets reversed for good. Then Bomboy buys a Range sport and moves out of the red Sea into his Canaan without pausing to spit in the wind? Of course you people will be waiting.
To say it.
To say it was Juju.
That Juju did it for him.

Or Mr Bomboy died somewhere far from home and as his corpse is being transferred back home for the funeral, the vehicle transporting the corpse has a horrible accident… Well

Anyways, we can infer the basic meaning(s) of Juju from the assumptive postulated scenarios of the life and times of the unfortunate Mr Bomboy.

Juju is commonly the concocted label that can (and is usually) pasted on acts or happenstances that the majority of witnessing parties deem supernatural. Or diabolic. Or scientifically nor religiously unexplainable.

That seems to be the only way I can explain it. From findings,  there appears to be different types, categories and sublets of the perceived phenomenon that is called Juju. We’ll talk about that in a bit.

Some call it Jazz. Some call it Voodoo. Some call it Eco. Some call it Kobnomi. Some call it format. Some call it Science. Asians call it Jutsu. Some call it Otumokpo.

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Hear, hear

Now let’s talk about the various types /groups and associative categories of Juju as portrayed by perceived incidents and literature in Nigeria and around the world.

The love or affinity Juju.
Bomboy meets the girl of his dreams in 3D. He continually tries several things and eventually they end up together.
You people will say Bomboy has traveled to some Juju place upon some mountain in Okene and has obtained some means by which he has ‘Jazzed‘ her. If Bomboy blinks too much when talking to her, the theorists will go “AHA! He rubbed the jazz on his eyelids.

Or Bomboy’s got game and he meets the babe and she falls ass over body magic in love with him within a week, theorists will go “AHA! AHA!!! He’s using Touch and follow!

Or our hypothetical Single Bimbo prepares and brings food for everyone to the office on her birthday. The branch Manager eats thereof and falls in love with Bimbo and very soon Bimbo gets engaged? Theorists be pointing like “AHA! AHA!! AHA!!! It’s Kobnomi she put in that food for Manager. She has washed put inside!

The transformation Juju.

This type is probably the most unbelievable type of Juju that goes on every single day. Very common especially with the ladies.

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Even when you’re staring at evidence, your eyes continue to fuck with you

The Offensive/defensive Juju.
Heard a story once about a guy, during a heated altercation  at a bus park, who removed his shirt and threw it in the air.
AND.
IT.
HUNG.

THERE.
MIDAIR.

Whereupon his opponent fled.

Hmmmm and Hian.

The Financial Juju.
Where Bomboy opens a shop beside someone selling provisions. And Bomboy is selling provisions too. And from the day Bomboy moves next door, customers abruptly stop patronizing the neighbor and buy only from Bomboy.
AHA! AHA!! AHA!!!

*sigh*

Our movie industry is not even helping matters at all as regards dissemination of corrective information to their large audience of potential Juju theorists . With their portrayal of Juju as the primary cause of everything wrong with everything and everyone, little wonder the average Nigerian has deemed it fit to codify everything happening as caused by Juju or solvable by Juju.

In almost every Nollywood movie there’s a relative or friend of Bomboy who has turned into; or sent something like the… Thing that seems to crawl out of those fevered types of nightmares with one when one’s really really sick and hallucinating to victimize poor Bomboy. ALWAYS.

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ah bite ya nose

And there’s a real life Bomboy too who will watch that movie and start believing all his problems were caused by Juju. Thereby immersing himself in the beliefs of the belief troubling the theorists.

So when next something goes wrong, Bomboy starts to look for protection or solutions from the resident native doctor. Or the one atop some mountain top in some fabled far off place.

And even when Bomboy does not go to any mountain top but decides to take his problems to Synagogue where he believes it can be solved…

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You people are already  gathered and setting boobytraps in the comment section of Lin-Lin’s blog like “AHA! AHA!! AHA!!!

*double sigh*

Moving on, let’s talk about the issue of sacrifices and the part they play in the Juju gist.

See, I’m not sure what I would do if I ever saw someone tying a white wrapper and placing a claypot with Eko, and boiled eggs and palm oil beside the junction close to my house. Last last we must bring police into the matter. Because… WHY???

For, believe in it or nah, almost all normal people would like to avoid being dragged into someone else’s spiritual battles.
Just imagine. 5am, you’re preparing to go for a jog and you open your gate to see an elderly person tying white wrapper dropping a claypot opposite your house.

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This boiled eggs and palm oil life

I mean what would you do? Where do you see the rest of your day going?

Then, Nollywood portrays the most execrable images of native doctors. A. K. A Dibias/Babalawos

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The Babalawo format

You dun know deh ting

Please, please, please. I’ve never seen a portrayal of a Dibia/babalawo where the doctor didn’t look like the cause of the problems brought to him.

Were I a babalawo, my first spell, by all that’s holy, would be repackaging.

I’d look like Michael frigging Ealy at least before starting the practice in my chosen career. Let me see how customers won’t come.

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How Babalawos should look

Anyway, even though I have tried my darnedest to maintain the requisite pansophical neutrality of belief in the writing of this post, I have to again unequivocally state that I truly believe that all the forms of juju-related issues out there stem from what you listen to and who you relate with.

In the words of Blaise Pascal,
All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone.

So guys,
What do YOU believe?

*goes back to room and sits alone on floor with arms akimbo*

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28 thoughts on “Joo-Joo

  1. I definitely believe in the spiritual/paranormal/supernatural things.
    I believe that there are angels, demons and all that other shit
    plus I’ve also seen real life “Africa Magic” things
    even the. bible says that we fight against powers and principalities (Eph 6)

    if you believe in God, you have to believe in the spiritual stuff because God is definitely supernatural.

    Like

    1. Babes, you are speaking truth!!! Unfortunately, a lot of people attribute ‘jujuless’ things to juju. Sometimes we should distinguish between our own faliures and black magic. But make no mistake, there is spiritual wickedness in high places. Peace!

      Like

  2. The gist about the guy that threw his shirt in the air. Epic!
    The first time I heard it, I laughed until I was out of breath.

    I’ve said this many times, why do Babalawos have their business places deep in some forest? They should come to the CBD in their state or whatever, rent an office space, have a reception area with a ticketing machine, have names such as Dr. Something, Dress impeccably, use some form of advanced technology to talk to their oracles (if indeed to talk to anybody or thing).

    Like

    1. I endorse this with all my heart.

      Privatize the Juju industry. Suit up. Sip some vodka during your incantations. All that unnecessary dancing, how about we just throw a party? Turn up! On Fridays, give customers a discount. Half human head instead of one. Or double the money for one head. Besides, it’s a lot easier to pay with a POS machine than with a human heart. Get Face of Tara to do that “Medicine man makeup” too. Might be a new line for her. Shit.

      I don’t know why the Juju industry has not been industrialized to be honest. There should be an app on Apple Store and Google Play for this. Easy Juju. Click here to sign up.

      Like

      1. You get me fam.
        A mobile app will make everything easier.
        Just enter your problem and the app will generate a QR code that when you come to the office you just scan it and viola! an “oracle” will tell you the solution to your problem and hand you the bill. Just walk over to the POS and pay. Easy peasy!

        Like

  3. Oga! Juju dey o! You never see wen dem stab bros with knife, for im belle, and bros no bleed. That day ehn, i no need any babalowo to write me letter of explanation, i understand kai kai say juju dey!!!

    Even sef, one babe for my school use one kind soap wey every broda no go rest until e don give am money!

    Juju real pass sun o! No test dem

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  4. Juju is real. But unfortunately, most people blame their stagnation on a curse/juju from their villages.
    My mum was a very wealthy business woman till 2004. My great grandmother had died at 124years and we went to the village for the burial. My mum went all out. Out did everyone. Booked all the hotels in the village. Killed the most cows. Few months later, her business wasn’t booming anymore……and she blamed it on juju from the village.
    Whether it actually was or not, she brainwashed me to the extent that I vowed never to visit that village again. Even if my grandparents die. I just want to fold my arms and stay alone in a room.

    Like

  5. Heard about the pulling of slippers in a fight and the slippers will stand up and go and call boys for the opponent. I believed ‘cos I was way younger then ( ._.).

    But I’ve seen when a conductor was rude to a passenger, then he said these words in yoruba ‘run and don’t stop till you see river’ and instantly the conductor started running. I peed. No jokes.

    Like

  6. Really friggin hillarious!!
    Rightly put though, belief in such things is a function of who u were raised with, where u were raised, and how u were raise… Basically.
    I for one can’t say whether or not I believe in it categorically, but neither do I go looking for or trying to fathom things beyond my ken. Everyone has what works for them.

    Like

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