You like a girl?
You have pictured her naked?
You still in the friend zone?
Did you know you
can’t can fuck her without dating her?
If “girls” were the name of a university course, I would have been that kid who killed himself due to the annual visitation of failure. Girls are EVE-ool, I still firmly believe Eve was the serpent who tempted herself to eat the forbidden fruit. They got no love for nice guys, they never open their heart for them but somehow manage to accommodate them in a place called THE FRIEND ZONE. It was formerly called SLAVE SHIP, still don’t know who changed the name. I suffered in the hands of so many slave masters. I was too naïve and untrained to create a route to freedom. I was so hopeless and game-less , I even once told a girl that I was a ghost and only her kiss could make me human again, isn’t that awesome?
I was that Mr. Nice guy, that Mr. I-Cant-Live-Without-Her-So-I-Don’t-Wanna-Offend-Her kinda guy, I was that non seasonal Santa Claus, always giving free gifts. I was so comfortable in the friend zone that I started paying rent.
EXCERPT 1: HER: hey honey! Could you please send me N̶5000? I wanna buy a present for my mum, its her birthday and I am so broke. I PROMISE TO PAY BACK.
I could have done some calculations and asked my questions like: Is her mother my mother or mother in law? Why should I give her the money to buy a gift? Does her mother know me? Would she mention me to her mother? But she called me “honey,” so I agreed to be a ghost writer for such a wonderful song. Honestly, I thought I would get a “gramophone,” I thought I would get laid.
EXCERPT 1.2: ME: pay back? Oh please! You don’t have to, SEND ME YOUR ACCOUNT NUMBER.
I sent her the cash Just like that. I even called to ask her if she got an alert, see the life?
Shiko Shiko Manzuri; A thousand masturbation sessions later, I was still waiting to get laid. Ever purchased some stuff online and weeks after you are still waiting for the supposed “fast delivery?” That was how I felt, like a true loser. The opportunity came for me to travel out of my city and I grabbed it. Port Harcourt was like a new world to me. I hooked up with new friends, got introduced to weed, coda, LSD among others, the mental trips were funny and scary at the same time. I dined with ‘bad boys and girls’, learnt a lot of new things and fucked a lot of crazy chicks. That was the great metamorphosis, I was finally a MAN. I returned back to my city a changed person. Everything was new, everyone was now grown up including my former slave masters. I played that new old guy for a while, vibed with old pals, it was really fun.
Something extraordinary happened one fateful night, Karma appeared to me in my dream. I couldn’t picture a face but I sure heard a feminine voice say a whole lot, “never allow a debtor go free, the scars should remind you of the offender” were the only words I remembered the next morning. I was a bit confused for a while till it finally hit me, Karma wanted me to avenge the death of my old self, the Mr. Nice guy.
As God would permit, Karma brought one of my former slave masters, Yvonne, to me. We clicked on different occasions, I learnt more about her, she shared cock tales over glasses of cocktails, not like I asked after her past conquests though. Someone was indeed getting comfortable. I saw the IOIs (indicators of interest for you dummies) and had to be verbal about my feelings towards her. Opportunity made her present in my house one very Thursday and I laid down my scheme of work for her.
To be continued…
By Bitchboy Dickfree.
So a good friend of mine sent this in and I just HAD to put it up. Let us know what you think about the write-up and if you’d like to see a sequel.