Food Porn – @TheGreyGenesis

Welcome Guys to what is the last day in the “Food Porn” series. We would love to thank all who participated in making this a reality; All the contributors and those of you have frequented here just to keep up with the posts. Thanks so much. Our apologies to those who sent in content but we were unable to use as a result of the tight schedule. We really do appreciate it.

Do remember that you can nominate this blog in the Nigerian Blog Awards by clicking here and inserting tscng.wordpress.com in the categories you deem fit, especially the “Best Humour Blog”

Thanks.

Now to wrap up the series, Ladies and Gentlemen; @TheGreyGenesis

********

As we proceed with this discourse, please let me assure you, everything you read here today are all proven facts. We choose to educate you unless you want to remain ignant. Your choice really. On the last day, we’ll say we told you but you chose to act the fool. And you know that the Good Lord abhors Fools.

So, let’s talk about Indomie.

You’ll never believe the potential Indomie has until you bring down your worldly nose and let certified and experienced people tutor you on how to be great.

Yeah so, on the off chance there’s one amongst our readers who lives in a mango tree somewhere in Bombay and who was raised by wolves and who until now has had no access to other homosapiens, the Internet, or happiness in general, we will explain what Indomie is.

Indomie is a brand of instant noodles made by indonesian manufacturers.

Yes, Nigerian readers. Indomie was not created by your country. In fact I want you to read that again so it sinks in well.
Ooh, you little rebel you. See you making as though you want to scroll on. Lol. I like your spirit.

So I’ll retype it.

Indomie is a brand of instant noodles by indonesian manufacturers. Yes, Nigerian readers. Indomie was not created by your country.

See? Mi Goreng or something..

Indomie is very similar to the female human as its natural physiognomy without makeup is neither remarkable nor exciting. But the potential is unbelievable.

It’s ok to quickly go look up the meaning of “physiognomy” We won’t judge you. We try to educate you as much as we can here on TSC.

Where were we? Yeah…

There is also a striking resemblance with the common crackers biscuit; It’s dry and unappealing when you open the pack, but should you happen to put it in a cup with milk and sugar and maybe a little mayonnaise (if you’re damaged like that)… It (the crackers biscuits) becomes sexy.

But I digress. 🙂

Since I was born, and even now that I’m still young, I have never loved another the way I have grown to love Indomie. I have seen several, and can confidently tell you, the following means and mediums by and with which Indomie can be ingested.

-By biting.
-By nibbling
-by chewing
-by slurping
-by drinking
-with chopsticks
-with forks
-with spoons
-with knives (true story)
-with forks & knives
-with spoons & forks
-with fingers
-from plates
-from cups
– with straw (I’m not playing)
-from navels

Moving on, I can also veritably attest to the fact that there is no food item easier to learn and cook than Indomie.

3 simple steps:

1. Put Indomie and spices into container with water
2. Add neatly rinsed egg
3. Add heat source.

Voilà! When it’s done you’ll know.

Meanwhile, if you don’t like the taste of poisonous dysentery and inescapable and agonizing death, your brain might want to tell you to remove the wrapper before putting the stuff into container with water. Also, in some countries, eggs don’t come in the Indomie packs but people buy them separately. Can you imagine that type of resentful struggle? Hian.

Now that we’ve established what Indomie is, how to cook it, and methods of ingestion, let us discuss the things Indomie has been engineered to comfortably substitute, as well as its benefits as a substitute.

Firstly, Indomie can substitute biscuits.

You can give your kids to take with to school. Break time when other kids are opening shortbread biscuits and haribos and stoffs, your kids can open their packs of Indomie and chew in synergy. Very good for healthy jaw and cheek exercises. (unless you’re a wicked parent and you don’t want your kids to have dimples)

Never in short supply. These kids are going to be GREAT

You were looking at that girl’s pant abi? And you say our nation has problems. Can you evaluate yourself and rate on a scale of 0 to Yerima how much of a perv you are?

Moving on, even you, as a real G. You can take it to the office. It’s economical. Almost 300 strands in one pack. Tell me what earthly biscuit has that many constituents in one carton even. Just tell me.

Also, as a biscuit substitute, it has low calories (that is, if you don’t add butter, mayonnaise or jam before chewing).

Secondly, It goes without saying that with Indomie, you don’t need the stress of making Spaghetti or rice ever again. Indomie is like the summarization of spaghetti, rice and  macaroni all in one concise and easily accessible, 3 step cook-able by and for everyone pack.

In fact, had I known then what I know now, I would have written on ‘Indomie as a panacea’ as my project topic back in School. So many benefits and proven remedial properties in that wonderful pack.

Indomie has been known to cure heartbreak, heartburn, body pains and  even stopping mild heart attacks.

Now, in case you suffer cases of pathological laziness and  even the simple 3 step method of cooking the noodles proves too herculean a task? There are Indomie vendors EVERYWHERE!

Those gentlemen most Nigerians refer to as ‘Mai-Shai’? Yeah. They will hook you up with the best Indomie your money can buy.  Just come down from your car, sit back and kick up in one of their roadside offices, listen to the latest news from their ever present tiny transistor radios and before you know it, the magic will happen.

This is a non-deceitful image of what you MIGHT get

Now, although Indomie by itself (with the requisite egg) is orgasmic awesomeness? Remember we were talking about makeup and transformation earlier? Well, eating Indomie without garnishing or accompaniments is like traveling with a car that has fuel but no brake fluid and/or engine oil. Take what you will from this point, regardless of where you intend to go, you’ll not like the outcome of that journey.

Again, the following combinations are things we have witnessed as generally accepted accompaniments or otherwise experimental procedures:

-Indomie with sardines.
-With ham.
-With sausages.
– With duvet eggs.

Indomie Blanket…An Italian masterpiece

-Indomie with animals (beef, goat meat, suya, fish, bushmeat, lamb etc)…
– Indomie cooked with vodka
– Indomie and beans
– Indomie and shawarma.
Etc.

Yeah, so there you have it. An expository post on why you cannot help but love Indomie.

In conclusion, here are some things that are neither here nor there but worthy of note all the same regarding indomie:

*Indomie can be an aphrodisiac. It all depends on the ‘how’ of the preparation.

*The “Mama she do good o! -She do good!” Indomie advert song has the same upbeat tempo as the song “in the club” by 50cents. I’ve performed it on Karaoke night before.

*ignore that rubbish myth that says Indomie can be cooked in 2 minutes. That’s chaff you’re eating bruv. CHAFF.

*I learned how to boil eggs when I started cooking Indomie.

My first boiled egg & Indomie meal. Had to keep the picture, sorry for the quality. It’s old.

*The word ‘Indomie’ was mentioned 37 times in this post.

*Indomie could be, but was not intended as a snack during its creation. For all those who use Indomie to hold the stomach in between meals, in the words of the wise Philosopher, Tupac Amaru Shakur, “Only God can save you now”

IT MAY ALSO INTEREST YOU TO NOTE THAT BY DECIDING OF YOUR OWN ACCORD TO ATTEMPT THE COOKING OR INGESTION OF INDOMIE IN ANY OF THE WAYS MENTIONED IN THE POST , YOU HAVE HEREBY AGREED TO BE THE SOLE PERSON LIABLE TO BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR THE RESULTS THEREOF AND HOW THEY AFFECT THE REST OF YOUR LIFE AND/OR PROBABLE CONSEQUENT MUTATION(S).

Grey out.

********

Remember to nominate this blog in the Nigerian Blog Awards by clicking here and inserting tscng.wordpress.com in the categories you deem fit, especially the “Best Humour Blog”

Thanks.