Food Porn – @McBethThePoet & @Slayaar

Hi Guys,

Today, we have a double header; a poem and of course a normal post. We know we requested for entry posts but we must state that we have exceeded our capacity as we have all the entries we can ‘afford’. As a result, we cannot take any more entries.

We do want to thank everyone for participating (reading and writing) We at TSC appreciate you.

We must also inform our dear readers that it is Award season again in Blogsville and this means it’s time to give honour to whom it is due. We are hoping that ‘honour’ this year includes some monetary value but yeah…Please nominate this blog in the Nigerian Blog Awards by clicking here , following the instructions and inserting https://tscng.wordpress.com in the categories you deem fit, especially the “Best Humour Blog” Thanks so much

On to Today’s posts, Please welcome @McBethThePoet and @Slayaar

*********

Black Manna

Today was a good day

I had a dream, I woke swimming in a pool of cold sweat

“Oh, boy! The heat for this restaurant na wa.”

My wrists near the edge, about to take that leap of faith

Dive in, dive in

Anxiety, rushing up my chest as I shred the shirt I had on

Here I go, numb to the applause of the crowd

“Did I just hear that lad order five pieces of goat meat?”

Must be a dream within a dream

Leonardo DiCaprio sat before me screaming Rock-Paper-Scissors

What should get washed first?

The body of Dom Cobb or the hands I possess

“Sir, I can’t. I’ll drown.”

Splash of water entangles my elbows

“Jump, son!”

The faces of the crowd redden in excitement

Wanton remarks and a few moulds of spittle awake me

“Iya Risi, e funmi ni Iyan marun-un atewedu. Eefi edo meta si.”

“Iyan to fine.”

Rotund, she was

Five wraps of pounded yam, three chopped liver, all she wanted for Christmas, she spoke of Santa stood behind the counter in a smoke stained apron

I’m wide awake

No, young man, you’re going down at noon

What? What?

Deep, I was in the muddy water of Ewedu and crushed bean

“Gbegiri?”

Breaststroke through this meal, as the oil casts battle scars on my underwear

“Chei! See spots on my singlet?”

Sun Tzu had this act of valor in mind

Because this is the Art of War

I strangle a couple foes in the bowl of cooked yam flour

One by one, they succumb

By the neck I leave them for Heaven’s gate

At Peter’s feet, reading to villians the Ibadan anthem for foodies Snap, their souls depart their elastic covering

To be locked in the dungeon of the soup bowl

Forever, rest in my belly

Two million Chinese soldiers fight for safety whileI lay nukes and booby traps at the fortress of 555 branded plates

“You mean these plates are made in China?”

This is war, people

Wait, am I still dreaming?

Pastor Philo warned us about eating in our dreams ooo!

You need a beautiful woman for spoil?

Black, was the color of her soft skin, which I lusted over

Curvy, her hips swayed to the melodies of her steps

Smirk, as she turns for the revelation of hourglass figure

My hands do the talking because actions speak louder than words

I grab her by the waist

“Hey, don’t spill my drink, son.”

I’m meditating on this chilled bottle of Coke

Done feasting on those bunch of conscripts and chicken hearts

In generosity, I exempt some from capture

Weak, old and spent ones

I mark their fore heads with the inscription:

“Leftovers”

Rub the belly of a centurion

“Live long, the royal throne of Amala and the people of Gbegiri,” captives cry

@McBethThePoet

=======================

@Slayaar

========================

The tears roll down my left cheek. My right eye never failed me,never! Shame the same couldn’t be said about her alter ego. I looked straight at the work of art standing in from of me. Those curves, Oh my… I couldn’t help but stare. I stared long and hard. This was probably the last time I was gonna set my teary eyes on her. This was not how we planned it. Why would she do this to me? Why would she do this to us? Yet again… It wasn’t entirely her fault. The Coca~Cola company had shut down. That was the end of my precious elixir of life, Coke. Again I starred at her. She was the last out of the fridge, the winner of the pageant. The last woman standing. Omo to dun. Eyi to rewa ju ninu gbogbo awon to rewa. All the plans I had for you. Ah! You are a gem.
I do not blame you if you do not understand my misery. I will take you a few years back…I stepped into Aunty Iyabo’s canteen dejected. I was having the worst day ever. My boss was being more of a pest today than she had ever been. Job after job she gave me, deadline after deadline I came through. My salary was an apology compared to the amount of work I was made to do. Who was I to complain though? I had graduated with a third class. I was lucky I even had a job. My boss however took full advantage of the miserable condition I found myself in. Time after time she threatened to sack me. My one hour lunch break was when I usually let everything go and drown myself in a plate of Eba and egusi. Each time I ate, I had this feeling. This feeling I could only describe as close to perfection. Like when you get so close to having an orgasm but you never get there. Try as you might, pound as you might, lick as you might, suck as you might, the orgasm never comes leaving you more frustrated than you were at the start. Despite all these I never stopped ordering my usual. I hoped one day I would experience this strange feeling mounting inside of me. One day, I would have my orgasm.I sat at the far end of the canteen and smiled at Aunty Iyabo. She greeted me like she did every lunch time and a few minutes later Iyabo was serving me my usual. “Ermmm uncle, awon oni pure water o wa leni o, minera wo lema mu? A ni coke ati fanta ati sprite. ” I was hardly a fan of soft drinks. I had never had a soft drink with my usual. I always had water. I sighed “mu coke wa.” She noticed the demoralized look on my face and smiled “e ma worry, e kan kan naa lema mu sugar. Oko yin si ma sise dada.” I was stunned. Just look at this filthy teenager talking about my manhood. Who was I to be angry though? She was probably having more sex than I was. Wait! Did I have a sex life?
Halfway through my meal with my mouthful, I picked up the ice cold bottle of coke with my left hand and raised it to my lips. The moment the liquid came in contact with my tongue, I came…I had found her. I had found the missing piece I had craved for all my life. I had multiple orgasms as the liquid caressed the insides and hidden corners of my mouth and went down my throat. My eyes rolled back, my toes curled, my muscles stiffened. A wet patch appeared on the area around my fly.I settled down and placed my last bottle of coke beside my well moulded bowl of Eba adjacent my well garnished plate of Egusi soup. This was the last time I would enjoy this feeling. After today, I would go back to being miserable. I picked up the bowl of water from the floor and washed my hands.

@slayaar
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12 thoughts on “Food Porn – @McBethThePoet & @Slayaar

  1. The first post is all shades of awesome. Felt like I was reading something Shakespearean. As for the 2nd, totally awesome. Coke is the greatest! And btw, why is slayaar wasting his talent? You should be writing porn scripts or sth.

    Like

  2. The 1st post is, huh….deep. I’d 2read it again 2fully appreciate it like the movie inception itself: The escape of bolus 2 the 555 plate of soup, the spittle that we endure at our fav ‘buka’, setting nukes et al, intro of the sexy coke….FANTASTIC!
    2nd post was awesome too. I could at some pt taste the food. Très bien!

    Like

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