Food Porn – @Monsieur_RJ

Niggas always say stuff like “Life is just a pot of beans“. They say it to sound funny, to express how bad a situation is or whatever the hell it is. Bottom-line is, they equate beans to bad events. Truth is, those niggas ain’t know shit & it breaks my heart when I hear the great beans being ridiculed like that. A little story about my love for beans.

People ask me “Yo RJ, what’s your favorite meal?” (and by people I mean bitch ass niggas, cos real niggas ain’t gon ask shit about another nigga’s favorite meal). Normally I would ignore them but as the humble nigga I am with proper upbringing & all that attractive husband-material shit, I simply answer “a plate of beans with plantain”. Why? NYSC.

For the average Nigerian, NYSC year is known as the “sex year”. It’s that year where you get to have all the meaningless sex you’d ever dreamed of with- and here’s the best part- no strings attached. You’d smash all you want & after service year errbody returns to his/her/it’s state & don’t holla at the person you smashed. That shii right there is one of the best things Nigeria has ever done for the youths. If you weren’t getting some during NYSC then you were just a miserable virgin who’d end up alone. In other words, you were RJ. Yup, 11 months into NYSC & I hadn’t gotten some. I was smiling on the inside, acting normal but inside, I was depressed. Woah there! See how I digressed from food to my non-existent sex life. Aii, let’s try & link it up. I was in the Sports CDS group (surprise surprise) & there was this one chic I’d been making moves on but she had a man so I slowed down cos’ that nigga was twice my size. She was mad pretty with curves, pink lips, boobs, ok ass & she was light skinned. I ain’t gon’ lie to y’all & call her a 10. She was a very solid 8. Thursday morning, September 23rd 2011, (yup, I ain’t never forgetting that date) after football practice I decided to holla at homegirl. She played volleyball just in case anybody was wondering.

“Hey, Ify. When are you gonna let me take you out or at least come and visit me. I can risk Kunle beating me up if you’d agree to hang out with me.” I said, expecting the normal curve.

“Kunle passed 3 months ago” she said as she wiped the sweat off her face with her lil lemon towel.

“Christ! He died? How? When? My God!” I said, not giving an entire fuck in all sincerity.

“What? No? I mean he passed out 3 months ago. He’s not in our Batch, remember?”

“Oh! Thank God. How come you never told me? Seems like we wasted months” I said as I turned on my flirt-game.

“What kinda girl tells a guy she likes that her boyfriend is gone & they can now hook up without sounding desperate & cheap?”. To be honest, all I heard after “…she likes…” was blabber. She liked me. SHE LIKED ME. All I had to do now was play my game right & she’d be mine. And trust that nigga RJ to bring his A-game. 10 mins later I had convinced her to come to my crib & we could have lunch. We agreed she would do the cooking. She would cook beans. She went to her place to ‘shower’ & go buy some stuff. I went to my place to clean up, buy fuel for the gen (trust PHCN to try & fuck shit up). At 12:08pm she called & said she was at my junction. I went out, met her there & walked her to my place. All the while I had that David Moyes na-me-be-this-HAAAY-I-don-hammer type smile he puts on in his Man Utd press conferences. I really couldn’t believe my luck. She entered my crib, commended me for how tidy it was & we got to talk a little bit. As we talked I hit the play button on the deck remote & Drake’s album started playing. Let me just say this; we might insult Drake for being the human serviette, I do too, but NEVER EVER slander his first album. There’s a reason it’s called “Thank Me Later”. That album can charm the panties off a nun. I played that Aubery album & then shit got serious. I started picking her beans. Since we were in Minna I had lowered my expectations on the beans’ cleanliness but her beans was mad clean. I stuck 2 of my fingers into the beans… She took a deep breath & leaned back… She looked at me like “I love a nigga that can pick beans”. I spread the beans with a lil flick, leaned forward & blew lil air across it. That shit was mad mild b. She looked at me & smiled. Drake’s was really setting the mood right through the speakers too.

“How did I end up right here with you?/ After all the things that I been through.

It’s been one of those days, you tryin’ forget about/ take a shot and let it out. Let’s get right now that I’m here baby…

Show me a good time (oh yeah oh yeah) … Show me a good time”

I was through with the beans… for now. We had to put it on fire & all that stuff. The plantain needed to be worked on, though. I led her to the kitchen & pulled out the plantain I had been saving. Ok, wasn’t saving it, nobody just wanted to eat it prior to that moment. She picked up the plantain, knelt down & began to peel it open. Mahn, Ify’s head game was… Ma bad, I mean, Ify’s plantain peeling game was on a whole ‘nother level. She peeled it like no other. She stood up- all this while maintaining an immense eye-contact with the nigga RJ- and whispered “I need to add oil to the beans, to make it go down right”. I had no idea what that meant but I was down for whatever. Moments later everything was ready. Beans, plantain. All ready. We went to the sitting room (mehn, my NYSC crib was mad tho, no jokes, ain’t no set of corpers in Minna balled like Zeem & I did back then) & it was time to eat. The plantain was one side. Not mixed with the beans. Pay attention. I started eating her beans, slowly. It wasn’t hot or cold, it was perfect, smelled nice, tasted even better. Ify’s beans yo. Damn. Normally, when you’re eating ‘watery’ beans it becomes a lil bit dried after a while as you eat cos it’s exposed to air & all that gay science shit, right? The reverse was the case here. Ify’s beans started out a lil bit dry but as I slowly ate it, it became wet. (“Watery” seemed wrong to use there.) I ate it & she scratched the back of my neck & tugged on my afro as I did. THEN it was time for my plantain. I took the lovely looking plantain from where it was lying, placed it on (in?) the beans, smiled to myself & we had the best lunch ever. For me sha. When we were done, we laid on the couch, trying to catch our breath when, through the speakers, Aubery was rapping on “Thank Me Now”, the outro of the album.

“You could thank me now. Uh, go ‘head,

‘Thank Me Later’ yeah I know what I said,

but later doesn’t always come so instead it’s okay,

You could thank me now, uhh, yeah, well alright, here I go”

Thanks, Drake. Your next two albums were trash, though.

Advertisements

About Terdoh

Gone insane...will not be home for dinner.

24 thoughts on “Food Porn – @Monsieur_RJ

  1. LOL. Nice one. I like how you stuck to the story. No, for real. Got a Nigga going, ‘What happened next? Did things go down with Ify?’ You know with these ladies, one shouldn’t entirely think they’ve made it because they ate beans and plantain together. Then, I remembered that it was just about the food all along. Nice.

    Like

  2. Tight innuedos.
    “David Moyes na-me-be-this-HAAAY-I-don-hammer type smile he puts on in his Man Utd press conferences” LOL
    Please I love this post!

    Like

  3. All this while I had that David Moyes na me be this I don hammer type smile. “That album can charm the panties off a nun. Bruhhh, this is awesome! About that you dropped something like this on 12th player!

    Like

Do drop a bar...#NoSoap

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s