Food Porn – @BoukkieO

*Insert Trumpet Sound*

Since y’all are still here, we might as well conclude that y’all are going to hell.

Let’s carry on then shall we? Welcome, Ladies, Gentlemen and all of you that think it’s cool to go out of your houses without brushing your teeth. Welcome to Food Porn. So yeah, yesterday, I introduced you to the new series that we have running on the site and just in case you were away looking for an illegal download link of Drake’s album and thus missed that, I shall do a quick recap.

On “Food Porn”, we shall be sharing on our favourite ‘meals’ in quite creative ways. This can be either as a story or some kick-them-off-the-scent-what-the-hell-is-he-talking-about type post. We shall also be accepting ‘entries’ from you our dear reader within the duration of the series (which is one week). So yeah, you can send in your post and if it matches our criteria, we’ll put it up. The e-mail address remains thesarcasticctr@yahoo.com

Today however, we welcome to TSC the delectable @BoukkieO as she shares a really cool story…

*********

Ladies and Gentlemen, Voldemort-type creatures, and all you lovely females who commute via broomstick, I’m about to tell you how I found the love of my life, or rather, how love found me.

There are days in life when you wake up and think it’s going to be business as usual or business as planned, but the universe cures you of your audacious thinking by slapping you in the face with its own plans. This is a story of one of such days I think. But then, now that I think of it, I’m not really sure.

So, on this ‘fateful’ day, I went out with my cousins and my life changed forever.  The details of where we went are hazy but that’s not even important. On our way home, they decided to stop and get Magic Crackers (I think that’s what they were called. They’re little pieces of gum that make sparking sounds as soon as you put them in your mouth).  I quite enjoyed those, but then they got some other thing that I didn’t recognize; it looked like body cream on wafer cones.  They seemed to like it a lot, but as a sharp girl, I decided to see if any of them developed a swollen stomach by the next morning before I tried it. And when they didn’t, that was my green light; we went out again the next day and I was the first to run to the ‘body cream’ shop.

When I finally had a taste, I understood what happened to Eve after she ate the fruit; it felt like someone hit the ‘increase volume’ button on all my five senses .  I was glad for this new magic and I wanted to go out and get it every day, but my aunt, killjoy that she is, didn’t let me go out and squander all my money and wordly possessions on it.  Soon, I had to move to a remote area of the country (It’s not even on the map. The expressway that runs through it is on Googlemaps, but the town isn’t) and was cut off from my newly found love for a long time. One day, someone in the village (yes that’s where I moved to) woke up and said they had Ice cream for sale. I ran out there the way Yemi in “Yemi My Lover” ran after Moji , basically like a ridiculously thirsty lover only to get there and find diluted Fanta on ice in small nylon bags. Needless to say, my heart was broken, but I took the diluted Fanta like a real G.

Another time, my heart was raised in hope but alas, it was only FanYogo. I had started to think I would not find my love again when one day, one fateful day, it happened.

You know those days when you just sit and wonder what life is about? Yes, I was having one of those. What is this life? I thought. Is it a pot of beans or a cold meat pie like people say? Or is it a pot of Iru flavoured Ogi slowly cooking over the fire? I turned these questions and more over in my mind, but I couldn’t come up with a satisfactory answer. My dad  had gone out and he returned with a bowl of magic. People, I’m telling you, the moment I licked the cream off that spoon, all my questions ceased.

download

See, life is hard. Life can be very challenging. Life will bring you ups, downs, highs and lows. Life will give you curve balls and sometimes even kick you when you’re down. Things change, people change and people leave, but you know one thing that is constant?  It is the goodness of Ice cream. Ice cream is there when you’re celebrating and when you’re howling in tears, singing along to Adele’s ‘Someone Like You’.   Ice cream picks up the shattered pieces of your heart and holds it together in its creamy preciousness.  Ice cream will never forsake you, thick or thin. Did you know, that Ice cream makes the world go round? That it is the lubricant that prevents friction on this spherical, terrestrial ball? That it is the glue that holds this earth together? You didn’t? Well, now you do.  See, the thought of never having Ice cream anymore causes even mother earth to slow her roll sometimes;  anytime she’s about to get her Hulk on, she remembers that if she smashes everything and everyone, this means no more Ice cream, so she just chills. Ice Cream is the answer to all life’s questions. The solution to all life’s problems: algebra, trigonometry, quadratic equations, world peace, global warming, Kim-Jong-What’s-his-face, Tonto Dike, Afro candy, Beverly, GEJ, you just name it. There is nothing a bowl of Ice Cream cannot solve.

images (5)

And then I found out that I could have it in different flavours; Rum, and Baileys, oh dear Lord, Baileys.  When Baileys Chocolate Ice cream spreads over your tongue, it feels like a slow, sensual body rub;  all your nerve endings will abandon other duties and pay attention to the mind-alteringly delicious sensation that is spreading through them. You’ll still be grinning several hours later and you’ll just calm down and never get upset at what anyone does. And the toppings! Kuli Kuli sprinkles is my new favourite kind (I kid. Or not). The other day when I was ill, someone went out and got me Ice Cream; let’s just say my mumu button is not the only thing with an unstated return date.

I have to warn you though, much like the evil person who sold me diluted Fanta as Ice cream, there are others out there who try to sell you rubbish in the name of Ice cream. For example, if you want to know what affliction tastes like frozen, or if you want to get a feel  for the unrest in the Middle East, go out and buy a bowl of Supreme Ice Cream.  Others will try to sell you cups of substances (I can only call them substances) that are more Ice than cream. I suffered and kissed a lot of frogs, but I finally found my love again.

images (1)

So, are you happy? Celebrate with Ice Cream. Are you sad? Eat Ice Cream. Depressed or angry? Ice Cream is the answer. Having a rough day or boss giving you a hard time? Ice Cream is the messenger of peace. Do you have questions plaguing your mind? Eat some more Ice Cream. Are you afraid the world will end soon? Ice Cream will assure you. Are you now fat and unable to move from all the Ice cream you’ve had? Very good; eat more Ice Cream. Never, ever let go of your cream. Never.

Oh! And forget all that FitFam rubbish…a tub of Ice Cream never killed anybody

********

 

Advertisements

37 thoughts on “Food Porn – @BoukkieO

  1. Amen sis. God bless you, and God bless cold stone.
    Another equivalent for ice cream has to be cake. Take it or leave. In short, cake over ice cream. Also amala and beans + plantain come close, yep I said it, bite me #okbye!

    Like

  2. Yipee! So glad d 1st post is about ice cream. I just started anoda of my ice cream diets n yes it does make everything beta. Rivers of joy hmmmmmmm… And on a really good cone like her first ? Heavenly! I know dey say its eat ice cream but my teeth r not strong enof for dat james bond move, I lick evry last creamy delight and with evry new upward stroke of my tongue to get dis nectar of life I thank God for d ppl dat 1st invented it and d ppl stil making it in so many hitting d right spot flavors.
    Now all I can think of is how to get to grand square or hatlab! Ciao!

    Like

  3. Lmao…made my morn
    some say Amala(lyk rly ehmarlar??),som say stout(*side eye)..buh how does one write an ode 2 d delicious deliciousness that is a roll of Shawarma..Amean even the AVENfrigginGERS had 2 get emselves some!!

    Like

  4. Yea…ice cream is cool
    But I don’t know if it holds a candle to hot Eba and ewedu
    Or chunky chips with a chicken escalope
    Or that lindour choclate that’s a solid ball but collapses into all the liquidy goodness cocoa has to offer
    Or even the carbonara that those beautiful Italian men make right in front of U as U watch them with only the dream of boiling pasta separating you from his perfect smile and perfect hair…
    I digress
    imma stop now.

    Like

    • God bless you sister. I think ice cream cake settles it. U shud try cold stone’s ice cream cake, d 1 with em kit kat on in, I wouldn’t call it red velvet, bt its red, idk idk. Mehn, one can never describe the beauty of dessert, words are not enough to describe such beauty. Each bite, each taste, each munch, all of these with your eyes closed *deep sigh* joy overflow.

      Like

  5. ”Ice cream picks up the shattered pieces of your heart and holds it together in its creamy preciousness. Ice cream will never forsake you, thick or thin. Did you know, that Ice cream makes the world go round? That it is the lubricant that prevents friction on this spherical, terrestrial ball? That it is the glue that holds this earth together?” Preach Pastor , PREACH!!!!!!!!! *Vibrates*

    Like

  6. ‘Oh dear Lord, Baileys. When Baileys Chocolate Ice cream spreads over your tongue, it feels like a slow, sensual body rub; all your nerve endings will abandon other duties and pay attention to the mind-alteringly delicious sensation that is spreading through them. You’ll still be grinning several hours later and you’ll just calm down and never get upset at what anyone does’ *Orgas…… Nvm*

    Like

  7. *sigh* baileys ice cream wasn’t made for mortals. Only one thing beats my love for ice cream. Ladies and gentlemen it’s chips and chicken.

    Like

  8. Pingback: LOVE AND ICE CREAM | My Way with Words

Do drop a bar...#NoSoap

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s