The Man Code

Sirkastiq: So, during the week I was chilling with my nigga and then we found ourselves talking about really random stuff called ‘women’ Now my nigga was in some Nelly/Kelly type dilemma shit and being a nice guy, I was tryna get him out of that Rick Ross-is-leaning-on-the-door type fix.

Terdoh: Wait, are we talking about me?

Sirkastiq: So somehow, we drifted and started talking about the ‘man code’ and what that’s about. We decided to check it up online and we stumbled across some rules that supposedly guide the folk with penises on how to behave.

Terdoh: Ugh! Why are we talking about me?

Sirkastiq: You see how I’ve been ignoring you? This post is for the greater good of all mankind and you’re bleating like Esmeralda’s goat.

Terdoh: Meh.

Sirkastiq: We didn’t make the rules….

Terdoh: We may or may have not added to these rules.

Sirkastiq: We don’t make the rules.

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The Man Code

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1. Thou shall not rent or watch the movie “Chocolate”.

Sirkastiq: I’m just proud I don’t know what movie this is. Why would anyone even watch a movie called “Chocolate?” You?

Terdoh: Nope. Thou shall also not watch any of the movies in the Twilight series. The only exception to this rule is if your woman requests for it while she is on her period. At any other time, you are to decline like a man.

Sirkastiq: Rules are rules.

 2. If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever!  Unless you actually marry her…

Sirkastiq: HAYYYYY!! So how am I supposed to marry her if she’s actually off limits? What if my watch stops in the course of our meeting?

Terdoh: What if I met him and I didn’t like him? And I liked his sister?

Sirkastiq: We should remove this rule, shouldn’t we?

Terdoh: New rule: If you’ve known a guy for more than one year, and he has paid for drinks at least once, you have formed a ‘brond” (a bro bond) and so his sister is off limits.

Sirkastiq: Sounds about right.

 3. When questioned by your guy’s wife, girlfriend, mother, father, pastor, friend-with-benefit, cab man or co-worker, you need not and should not provide any useful information as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.

Sirkastiq: Yup. The best is to say “who?” Repeat three times (if asked) then dougie into the sunset.

Terdoh: Mike Jones!

Sirkastiq: Who?

Terdoh: *dougies*

 4. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 24 hours.

Sirkastiq: LMAOOOOOOO…abeg abeg abeg!!! Prison is good for you. It builds character and you learn the importance of not taking the piss. 24 hours kor…by the way, bail is free atink

Terdoh: Ko jo oh.

Sirkastiq: We gotta amend this one too.

Terdoh: Unless it costs more than 5 grand, you must bail your friend out of jail within one week. There, much more reasonable.

 5. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

Sirkastiq: Under no circumstance may you OWN an umbrella. Matter of fact, niggas with umbrellas are fagits. Real niggas get wet. Wait…

Terdoh: Real niggas wear trench coats and Mafia suits and walk in the rain and drip awesomeness.

Sirkastiq: Everyone knows this. I don’t understand why we have to put this in the rulebook.

6. Under absolutely no condition are you allowed to leak a nude a woman sent you or an incriminating conversation you had with someone in private.

Sirkastiq: This also shouldn’t even be here. But with the advent of the current Fuckboy Generation™ it seems we need to say it.

Terdoh: No real nigga ever leaks nudes or DMs. Ever. Please act accordingly.

Sirkastiq: As curious as we are to know what they look like, we want that shit to be kept private. Don’t be a fool.

Terdoh: If you’re thinking of leaking anything right now, stop reading and smash your phone. Then step on it.

Sirkastiq: Twice.

7. A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own — gas cooker, car, clothes, firstborn child — within 12 hour notice.  Women or anything considered “lucky” are not applicable in this case.

Terdoh: This rule doesn’t apply to boxer shorts, singlets, and anything underwear.

Sirkastiq: Nah nigga, get your own.

Terdoh: And as the rule says, don’t ask to borrow my girlfriend. I’ll bust your eye.

Sirkastiq: This rule sha. That’s how all my PS3 CDs were borrowed and now belong to several niggas spread over the country of Nigeria.

8. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your guy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty.  Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast of burden, your pal is forbidden to ever speak of it.

Sirkastiq: Like EVER!!!

Terdoh: Niggas gonna turn to Nicki Minaj Bill Clinton.

Sirkastiq: “I did not have sexual relations with that woman” – Bill Clinton.

Terdoh: Or like Nicki Said “I swear to God I never had sex with that animal”.

9. Before dating a buddy’s ex you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it. He is however allowed to say, “Man, you’re gonna love the way she licks your balls”.

Sirkastiq: To all you dudes out there who think you can just make moves on the girl cos she’s ‘single’

Terdoh: Whoa.

Sirkastiq: …Who said she’s now fair game? You think you’re just gonna up in there and reap where we sowed?

Terdoh: Whoa!

Sirkastiq: Calm your impatient, insensitive ass down and ask for some damn permission ma nigga!!!

Terdoh: Whoa!

Sirkastiq: THIS THING IS NOT PAINING ME!!!

Can you just imagine?

Terdoh: Damn!

10. If a man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem.  You didn’t see nothin’. Keep moving bruh..keep that straight face and keep movin’

Terdoh: What were your eyes doing down there bro?

Sirkastiq: I mean, do you not understand that anything below the male belt is forbidden territory for all men?

Terdoh: We didn’t make the rules. We’re simply following them.

11. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a best friend’s birthday is strictly optional, and slightly gay.

Terdoh: I adhere strictly to this rule. And it’s not because I’m broke or anything.

Sirkastiq: So I can keep the present I bought for you?

Terdoh: Wait first. Let’s consider this.

Sirkastiq: Don’t be a fagit.

Terdoh: Keep my present sha.

12. You must offer heartfelt condolences over the death of a girlfriends cat, even if it was you who secretly snapped it’s neck, set it on fire, stabbed it with a blunt knife, and threw it into a ceiling fan.

Sirkastiq: All of you will be dating women with cats. You people are not afraid.

Terdoh: The only pet your woman should have is a teddy bear.

Sirkastiq: Valid.

Terdoh: Besides, that cat has 5 more lives to go.

13. While your girlfriend must bond with your buddy’s girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal-pal’s boyfriends . . . low-level sports bonding is all the law requires.

Sirkastiq: Meaning if your girlfriend Jenny is out with her girlfriend Nike. And Nike brings Segun, her boyfriend…

Terdoh: You, my nigga, are under no obligation to bond with Segun.

Sirkastiq: Segun probably smells. And has no taste.

Terdoh: Yup. You’re only here to give Jenny moral support.

14. A man is never allowed to wear bright coloured pants.

Terdoh: Look, never. Okay?

Sirkastiq: Do like Terdoh does, and wear only black and white. Okay?

Terdoh: Listen to the man.

Sirkastiq: Carrot coloured pants, pink pencil jeans? You think this is a New Boiz video?

Terdoh: Look, anything in the warm spectrum of the rainbow; yellow, pink, bright red, bright blue; not allowed. Alright? Just don’t do it.

15. A real man never allows a woman to pay for his dinner. Much less suggest it.

Terdoh: Naturally, you’re supposed to pay for both you and the woman with whom you’re on a date. But for the broke guys like us, we adjusted this rule.

Sirkastiq: You’re not allowed to ask her to pay for you. You can split the bill, but under no condition should she cover your expenses. If you have no money, let her come to your house and eat indomie.

Terdoh: We didn’t make the rules.

Sikastiq: We make Indomie

Terdoh: Dear God.

16. A threesome should never involve more than one penis.

Terdoh: If there is another man in the room, he better be your imaginary friend.

Sirkastiq: Or behind the camera giving you a thumbs up sign.

Terdoh: We don’t care if you’re twin brothers. If it’s a threesome it better be with two other women.

Bonus: Don’t ever leak nudes.

Terdoh: Yes, we’ve said this before.

Sirkastiq: But we feel like we need to say it again.

Terdoh: Don’t do it. Just don’t. Okay?

Sirkastiq: We don’t care if y’all fought and she threatened to kill you.

Terdoh: We don’t care if she cheated on you. We don’t care if she’s a hoe. We don’t wanna know. That shit is private. Don’t do it. Simple.

Sirkastiq: There’s a whole lot more stuff that we could say. But you know what they say about a word being enough for the wise?

Terdoh: Yeah, so being very wise guys, we’ve decided to say nothing more

Sirkastiq: mmHmmm…

Terdoh: Aren’t you going to say something?

Sirkastiq:

Terdoh: Really?

Sirkastiq:

Terdoh: Fuck you bro. If you have any rules you think should be added to this list, do use the comment box to throw it in. Cheers guys.