Good whatever time it is wherever it is that you’re reading this cos you know we international nshit. Different time zones ma nigga. Instagram that shit… And we know you people are too lazy to read this when it gets published. So yeah, good whatever time it is wherever you are.
I hope y’all are good. Not doing anything harmful to the planet like burning down rainforests and allowing idiots to live and all that detrimental stuff. Remember this is the only planet with boobs. Let’s keep it safe.
First of all, it’s been a pretty long time since I sat down to write some shit cos I wanted to, not cos I had to. And truth be told, I miss writing for myself or for fun and not writing for money, but it’s all good. Let’s get to today’s agenda, shall we?
God I miss doing that…
First things first, Sirkastiq made me do this. So if it is not funny, as it probably won’t be, take it up with management. Also, I’m just coming from a drought so bear with me. This is a follow up post so the disclaimer from the last post applies. Like inheritance.
Also, if you hate the post, why you mad? Did I ask you to read?
Oh, my bad.
Today’s post is a sequel to this one done by Sirkastiq addressing the issue of artists in Nigeria and the ‘music’ they roll out on a daily, weekly basis. So it’s only right that I spit a few bars myself. Here we go.
Now that we have established I’m the greatest, let’s move on to all the other artists who claim to be…
First Name: Bunsen.
Genre: Naija jollof music, afro beat, Fela type shit, I dunno where to put his reggae singing ass.
This nigga here is probably the best thing since Majek Fashek except well, he has no dreadlocks. He does sing the most amazing shit. I slept on him (no homo) then I discovered his songs in my downloads folder once and since then, I fucks with the homie (no homo)…
I swear, I’m not doing this gay shit on purpose.
I’ve had his songs on repeat since I started listening to him and I’m not going to make this a music review. He does sound a lot like Fela mixed with Razzkimono and Blackky. Some refined Yoruba vibe.
I heard he’s 19. Then 21. Then 22. In like 3 weeks. So I guess he’s also the next Blue Ivy Carter or Benjamin Button. This of course depends on what kinda ties you have with him. Shirt! I’m too awesome.
Let’s also not forget that he’s brought the 90’s back with his fashion style. What y’all don’t know is Burna was really suffering nshit and couldn’t afford them new whips so he dug into his wardrobe and went back about 13 years. Now y’all wearing flowery shirts and circular glasses thinking he brought sexy back. puh-lease.
As you wear those shades though, remember to rise you know, just in case you fall
I’m rooting for the nigga though. He’s the next big thing. He’s gonna blow.
First Name: Kiwi.
Last Name: Repete. Mo Se Daadaa, Mo Se Jeje Oh.
Genre: Rap, Hip Hop, Afro Beat, see I dunno. Nigerian artists never stay in one genre abeg. Even Iyanya wants to rap.
Look, don’t Google his name if you don’t want to be initiated into the Dark Arts. But the first thing I would say is that a lot of artists today seem to have been influenced by Fela.
And just as I typed that, Jaiye Jaiye came on so we’re gonna take 5 minutes and just scatter the floor.
*still scattering floor*
Ahhh…that was refreshing. Now yeah, so Black magic popped onto the scene like a molly rocking Tom Ford. Haha! I just had to throw in some Magna Carta shit in there cos I’m ill or mean atink.
I’m sorry, I’m deviating. Here’s the real truth; Black magic is generally loved by all (especially the ladies.) I don’t know if its the voice or his simple nature. I mean homeboy be rocking his shirts and Ankara pants like he’s some turkey but we ain’t mad. His laid back flows just make you wanna jump into a booth and record a joint cos you be really believing that you are now the man.
Black Magic creates just that, magic. In your earphones…What he does is simply amazing. I have nothing bad to say about him except “what the fuck dude? Ssup with the name Ejay? You tryna join the illuminatti? Fuck errbady”
If you haven’t heard songs like Rainbow and Repete, you should. And then there’s the Bastards song with the three wise men. The boy got gifts like the Tooth Fairy. Rap, sing, and tweet like crazy. But nobody is complaining.
First Name: On The Beat It’s…
Genre: Jollof music, gbedu. Gibberish
Omo Baba Olowo is a man who is apparently stuck in time. Been 19 since 2004, but we don’t care about that. DO we? No. We just enjoy the music he makes.
Fun Fact: You cannot play Davido’s classic hits without becoming an accomplished drummer with a complete invisible drum set that moves as you glide across the room.
The only thing we all hate about Davido is the fact that he seems to have had too much money before he could handle it. So the boy is power/fame drunk and does whatever he wants. Outside the studio, he’s a douche, inside the studio, he’s a god.
However, his videos are never accurate. Because in Gobe, Alliyou, and even Ekuro, he was bagging bad bitches. But we all know that the women we have seen with him in pictures are all dementors.
Nobody is complaining though, keep slapping police officers, and taking “I’m sleep” pictures with Estelle looking hoes, as long as you make good music for all of us, we’re good Davido.
We’re good…Just make sure you be seizing these girls’ phones my man
First Name: Peder.
Middle Name: And Poor…
Genre: more Jollof music. You don’t have to make sense.
These damn niggas.
Look, I’ll give it to them, they can dance. But that’s where it ends. It culminates, it expires there. These niggas can’t do shit but choreograph. They should have both been video vixens. Where do I begin?
Let me just talk about this Personally track and leave. Who gave these guys a microphone? Did they sneak into a studio? What the hell though?
The reason na spiritually
Grammar… na for dictionary
Saga..but she no wan gree
She talk say she no wan leave”
These…are song lyrics.
Look, I won’t even talk. I will let the general public speak for themselves.
I would like to rest my case here and say P Square should continue making their money yeah, I’m not hating, but please PLEASE leave the songwriting to someone who actually has something to say. You can make good music and still have some meaning in your song. It has been done.
You Chris Brown wanna be like MJ wanna be niggas better get the fuck off the microphone. Nobody wants to hear you speak. Literally…nobody.
With your igbo h-factor laden accent.
“Hi ham Peder. Hi ham Poor”
Gaddemmit I’m pissed.
*uses my soothing words*
Yes, that’ll be all for today’s post ma people. We do have something special planned for you in the very near future, so if you haven’t, don’t forget to subscribe.
And that said, I will leave you with this very great quote from ma old friend.
“There comes a time where every female should send nudes to the dope males in their lives. If you know any dope males, send him nudes today. Just do it hoe.” – Solomon.