Rant Three

The thing about ranting is that everyone has something to complain about. For some, it’s sex, for others it’s PHCN and so forth. Our goal is to be the therapeutic outlet for your bottled up emotions. We hope we’re succeeding at that. Meanwhile, if you’re going to be bringing your sex complaints all the time, we might just have to re-direct you to Dr Phil. Our e-mail is flooded with so much sex complaints that we wonder when you guys find time to do other things.

How about you stop having sex and start doing productive things like…read books or, I don’t know…skip rope or something.

I’m not judging o, I’m just wondering what is going on in your life that sex is your major problem. Don’t they take light in your area? Can’t you complain about the duration for beans to boil or why eggs don’t cook in universal time?

Anyway, keep sending the rants in. thesarcasticctr@yahoo.com

Today’s rant was picked by @TheGreyGenesis as it made him roll and roll laughing…and yes our writer is ‘annonymous’

Enjoy

********

Do you know what is most confusing and mind boggling?
Do you know what is most exasperating and painful?

Travelling by road from Lagos to Abuja and realizing that the book you took for company is an Enid Blyton and not the fifty shades of grey you just coveted.

U see that guy with the bulge in his pants?
He could turn out to be the exact opposite.
Today, that bulge is the size of my middle finger and its in my bed. I am puzzled. The menfolk,I need answers. WHY is the plantain I envisaged suddenly a crayon?

WHY is IT spurting every 2 minutes?  Where lies my satisfaction? Is it fair?
WHY do you think my boobs are the only region that can make me ‘ohhh and ahhh’?
Don’t dump your rolled up saliva in my mouth all in the name of a kiss. I have kissed Stephen and Chukwudifu before you. DO NOT REDEFINE ‘wet kiss’!

No! No!! Y’all don’t understand this ordeal. After the ‘2 min teabag in teacup’ exercise, he pants. Oh lord,he pants!!! Sometimes,he opens the fridge and consumes whatever drink he finds there. Other times, he tells me ‘Titi jo, bami po milk’.

Ahhh!! *tears mixed with hunger,frustration and anger wells up*

WHY is it that when I make attempts to lick chocolates off you,you decide its time you visited your relative at Badagry loun loun?
You would think with all THAT,I am being compensated. That he is making up for it in other ways. Perhaps overly affectionate, romantic or that my coffers are over flowing with the diamonds in them.
I don’t expect 10/10 from men in that department but you have to COMPENSATE!

Rara o, I come after his Macbook Pro. The night it was delivered,I pranced around in my lingerie but I just couldn’t werk it. And the most expensive gift he has got me is this used Bold2 a colleague sold to him.
Let your affection(material and otherwise) make attempts at making me forget your weak points.

No,I am not ugly neither is he poor.
To say I am bitter is putting it mildly.
But for sure I am enraged,frustrated and at wits end.

I am 23.
I am Married.
I Married as a Virgin.
I AM ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!

********

Oh my…I…I…what to say? “Do not redefine wet kiss?” LOOOOOOOOL.. Plantains and Crayons? I don’t know..haha. So um..Guys, why y’all 2 minute men? Why y’all packing your trousers with socks only to reveal finger sized kpekere? Why Why?! Use the comment box. Cheers

Advertisements

23 thoughts on “Rant Three

  1. Ooooh!!! First!!! Lol…but wait oh…she’s “annonymous”, but she gave herself away…”Titi, ba mi po milk”…funny piece tho 🙂

    Like

  2. JESU! *Weeping furiously* this rant left me in stitches. Sister, the lord is your strength. And it might be time to invest in a strap on. 😉

    Like

  3. Errm…wait I dunno if we should worry about Girls more than we worry about Global warming, how can you see a bulge and start drawing plans?…they said its not about the size right? (Na borehole?, what are U drilling? you should appreciate that Crayon! That’s my point. And the two minutes shii ehn, wait don’t U listen to Dettol’s advert? U gotto take care of him, U want a 2hrs-straight-go,put Alomo in his diet.

    Like

    • LOL @ put alomo in his diet…
      And then wen he starts to go “bragadocious” on his new prowess, u bite ur lips and can’t confess cos u dont wanna burst a nigga’s bubble!!!

      Like

  4. LMFAO… I died. No really, i died and my ghost is typing this.
    Pele ehn. Thanks for the encouragement though… I shall be fornicating away. Ain’t nobody got time for unpleasant surprises!

    Like

Do drop a bar...#NoSoap

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s