Dear Mr President or any Government official reading this. This is a joke. I swear, none of this is true. It’s just a figment of the writer’s imagination. Please if for any reason you decide to seek out the person that wrote this and deal with him, His handle is @Terdoh and I really don’t know him. No, in fact, I have never heard of him. This article is strictly his doing. In fact, I had no hand in it. If you want his number and all other contact details, I shall gladly supply it just to show how patriotic I am to your government and your work. It’s not like i personally have it cos like I said, I don’t know him. I’ll sha ask around. Anything for my country.
My fellow Nigerians…
LOL “fellow Nigerians”. Who wrote this shit?
My fellow Nigerians, it is with great pleasure that I address you this morning. It has been 14 years since General Adbulsalami Abubakar and his cap handed over the reins of power to democracy. I think he only did that because they agreed to put him on the new 20 Naira note, He’s been waiting and now he’s got white beards and all but that’s an issue for #AskOBJ. Not me…
As for my own, it’s been 3 years since Yar’ Adua died and left me to rule the country, and everyone who has seen my handwork knows that I have done a very great job so far. When you consider the fact that he didn’t leave a manual of operation or even the location of the remote for the big screen TV in the lounge. So if you don’t mind, for my anniversary, I’d like to just talk about a few of my accomplishments as president.
These things are already there for alliyou to see, but for posterity sake and for tales to tell your kids, here goes:
For my CV…
First of all, I would like you all to know that I was the one… *beats chest* in power *adjusts GEJ hat™* when Nigeria won the AFCON games. Did you see that goal by Sunday Mba? That was me. While I was president…haha! Obasanjo never did this. Don’t compare us. What? You ask how that is an accomplishment? Are you joking? Do you know how I stood by those boys? Do you know how i supported Keshi when he said he was vexed and was going to quit if I didn’t grant him access to my bed chamb…
Wait. who wrote this shit?
I know you people are already bringing up the issue of Boko Haram and what not? First of all, I would like to say that these Hausa people are crazy. I don’t understand why they couldn’t do all this while Yar’ Adua was here. I can’t speak their language. They be trying to talk to me…but their English is a lot more advanced than I expected. I can’t dea…
Really, who wrote this? I think this part is making me look bad. I’m going to skip it.
As for how we’re dealing with the issue, I offered them Amnesty, thinking they wouldn’t even know what it meant, but they said they should be the ones offering us amnesty. So I guess now we’ll just have to leave it in the hands of God..
As you all know, we declared states of emergency in all the affected states and even though we caused all the members of Boko Haram to move to other states of the country, I think we have everything under control and we know exactly what we’re doing.
What do you people mean that’s not enough? What do you want from me? Do i look like I do Black Magic? No seriously, you guys expect me to strap myself up and take them on one by one? I mean, I would but the way my Presidency is set up…Anyway, if you’re feeling generous and want to lay down your life for your nation, pls click here
There is also the issue of electricity that we have obviously solved. Electricity is now constant in Aso Rock and evidently in other parts of the country because when I tune to Africa Magic on the telly I always see that there is light in your homes. You don’t see anyone running generators so yeah, I am convinced the situation is as perfect as it will ever be right now, and this is all thanks to the Goodluck Ebele Jonathan regime. No need to thank me, just doing my job.
I’m glad that we put the #OccupyNigeria thing behind us. As soon as the memory has faded from your hearts, there shall be full removal of subsidy and such. We might also increase the fuel price a little, because Obasanjo came here every year and increased the price and you guys didn’t say anything. I wonder whether it’s because I’m the most good looking president you’ve had in a while that’s why you think you can just rise up and protest anyhow. I don’t know. But I’m increasing the price soon enough.
My fellow Nigerians…
*chuckles* As if…
My fellow Nigerians, there are so many things I would like to address. The issue of food is simply non-existent. Because if we have a state with “The food basket” in their slogan, I see no reason why you should complain. Open the ground and put something inside, lazy man. At a point in my life, I had no shoes, so don’t you dare complain. The issue of water is also nonsense. Because I hear the roads are flooded. If there is water on the streets, there should also be water in your homes. Boil it.
This country was built by hardworking Nigerians. I intend to make sure this generation continues with the values our ancestors left behind; Faith in God mostly, because prayer solves all things. I know religion is probably tearing this country apart, but In God We Trust. Keep calm and pray more, there is really no need to blame the president.
But as always, I know what I’m doing.
Okay, I’m starting to like this speech. It’s making me look good. I should promote the head of the speech-writing committee…
Jobs. Yes, jobs… Look, Steve is dead. He was my very good friend before he passed and you don’t see me shouting his name up and down. Get over it and move on…Oh! there’s no employment? Who told you that? The people working, do they have two heads? If you can’t find something to do, please start singing. What’s the name of that boy that was staying in Ojuelegba Shitta but is now singing “Jaiye Jaiye?” Is he not like you? Please miss me with all that unemployment shit. it doesn’t work.
I would also like to point out that number porting was made possible while I was in tenure. I know you’re gonna say I had no hand in the technical aspect but think about it. If I said no, do you think Saka would be dancing in yellow lace everywhere? You’re all very welcome. OBJ might have brought GSM to Nigeria but i brought Porting. You can’t tell me nothing.
In conclusion, the elections are coming up in 2 years. Apparently, I’m not allowed to run for a second term because of something I might have said in the past. Look, let bygones be bygones. As far as I’m concerned, come 2015, I will send my wife to talk to you people, and let her talk till she has convinced you to vote for me.
God Bless Nigeria.
Just gotta make sure I capitalized the name of the writer, you know just so there’s no mix up. Yep, I’m nice like that. In the meantime, we are still receiving your entries for the AARRGGHH section. We shall start putting up your articles from next week. Don’t know what AARRGGHH is about? Click and catch up.