“… if na long thing you need, I’m Mr-giving-you-all-that-you-need, Sa re wa gba Sisi Shalewa, Sa re was gba, ko gbeeni wa…Oh forgive me guys, got carried away with this beat of life song. Mid riff winding sturvs you see. Have you heard “The Matter?” by Wizkid? You should, But ah well, we’re not doing a music review today…Let’s proceed with this (whatever this is) shall we?
“…There are too many idiots in this world. And having said it, I have the burden of proving it.”
This is not a light burden in anyway. Matter of fact it is one that has me keeled over, crawling through the dust stained earth, sweating profusely. It’s a problem, a weight. You need to stop whatever it is you are doing right now and ask yourself “Am I an Idiot?” Your answer is not so important because you probably are. You’re not? You’re not?
You clicked, didn’t you?
you didn’t? No? NO???
Say that “No” out loud right now. Not a shout, just a little under your breath.
Who is looking at a screen and saying the words “No?”
Anyway, follow as I school you a bit on “Idiocy” and the genre of humans called “idiots” You just might discover yourself and embark on that journey to emancipation from mental slavery that Rev. Marley sang so passionately about. As with almost everything on earth that has a definition (well apart from Vic-O, PEJ’s Grammar and Tonto’s spelling) The word ‘idiot’ can also be defined. Wikipedia defines an idiot as a mentally deficient person, or someone who acts in a self-defeating or significantly counterproductive way. Long thing if you ask me. The Urban dictionary goes ahead to define an idiot as anyone who comes online seeking a definition of the word ‘idiot’ I don’t know where this definition places me but ain’t nobody got time fo’ that. Fuck you UD.
For today’s lesson anyway, let’s just assume ignorance and seek to embrace wisdom as brought your way by my very humble self. Here’s a quick test that helps define/identify these miniature morons, imbeciles, dundees, dummies, dodoyos, dopemus…Lol the D ain’t silent in these names yo.
Just click the blue square to proceed.
Blackberry Idiots: The dawn of the technological age has brought with it earth shattering revelations as now we can clearly see the ones amongst us that deserve to be banished to deserts in faraway places. I’m not about to slander BB users, nah; that doesn’t make you an idiot. My grouse here is with those who are using a smart phone yet lack any atom of smartness in them. These brands of idiots abbreviate their words and spell in retardese. They use ‘words’ like ‘tew, yhu, mawnin, kk (yes you’re an idiot if you write kk) etc. What’s annoying is that their smart phones attempt to correct these words but NO, they insert it into the memory of the phone and make it status quo. Do they stop at the retarded spellings? NO. They go on to dress the words in fancy characters as though their words are naked and putting those signs is some form of protection. E.g Son how A̶̲̥̅̊я̲̣̥ε̲ Ɣoΰ today? HåÞÞ¥ sunday
PEOPLE THAT WRITE IN RETARDESE AND USE FANCY COVERINGS ARE PRODUCTS OF A BROKEN CONDOM!
Don’t even argue. Sometimes I wonder how their life was before fancy characters arrived. Should we talk about their BB Display names? Lord, I feel a headache coming.
Online Idiots: For the sake of this post, I shall focus on just those on Social Media and Blogs. In case you don’t know what Social Media is (this confirms your idiocy by the way), it is your electronic second life. Various social media exist and here’s an example of how you can differ them:
The Social Media channels most utilised in this part of the world are facebook, Twitter, Instagram, LinkedIn and of recent, Keek. The rest are well, bleh. This is where we get to prove the fact that you are an idiot. It is common knowledge that majority of the people on facebook are
idiots , mentally deficient, Intellectual virgins special. (Please if you’re reading this from facebook, I wasn’t the one that said it. It’s just one of the online beliefs that we can’t argue with). Facebook is where you see a higher display of retardism. Someone believed that writing your name with a ‘H’ prefix and adding extra letters is some sort of cool. What the hell is Horladelay Hanniefowoshay? Who used your sense as foot mat? Having said that, a lot of you had your humble beginnings on facebook where you had more than 500 friends and could have endless conversations in your status. Your status updates (though googled) brought the crowd to your yard and you felt like you had arrived. See where your roots lie? See why you’re the way you are? It’s not really your fault, It’s more of nurture than nature atink.
I see you de-activating your facebook account now, It’s fine.
…and then you discovered Twitter. Yes Twitter-The devil. You were an idiot on facebook (lowkey though) and then you came on twitter and now more people know. The idiots on twitter are easy to spot, they bring their googled tweets along, and they also bring their fancy characters and meh spellings. As far as I’m concerned, handles with prefixes like sexy, Barbie, Nikki, diva etc are glorified modifications of the Horlayemi facebook clan and as such are idiots. The idiot guys on twitter have theft in their blood (remember they were stealing stuff from google so yeah) they steal tweets for a living and still have little or no life. Then there’s that genre of idiot following parody (Nigerian comedian) accounts. For one, the jokes are dead, not original and they make you wonder what kind of sense of humour (or lack of it) these morons have. I could go on and on talk about the ones who ask dumb questions on the reg, rate avatars etc but I’m tired and this is getting long.
There are really no laid out rules for twitter asides “do all you can not to be similar to the oracle.” yeah, i think that’s it. It’s somewhere in the bible as well.
#sidebar: You’re an idiot for thinking I’m an idiot right now.
Should we talk about keek for a bit? Nah, let’s just say many desires (stimulated by twitter and Facebook) have fallen the way of crashed dreams when your video was opened and we discovered you really look like the poster child of otapiapia and sound like there’s hot yam in your mouth. Idiot. You really shouldn’t have followed the crowd y’know. I mean it was okay when you sent your pictures to your Instagram friends for filtering and all you had to do was type words and not speak. Now you’re keeking and we can see how your tongue tries to escape from your mouth every time you speak. You better just join the ass shakers and save yourself further embarassment. (For those with ass only abeg) ..idiot.
And for the guys on keek, you lot don’t know shit. Shut up. Idiots.
The blog ones…lol..Here I have to tread easy because I don’t want to shoot myself in the foot. You know those people you see when you click on the comments of blogs like Linda’s? Yeah those guys. Have you read their comments? Lordy Lord, I’m working on a theory that these people are the same as those with the funny facebook names, fancy characters on BBM and parody followers on twitter. You don’t see such people on TSC because our readers are all brilliant nshit. You’re still an idiot though, but a special type.
I should round this up…
Arsene Wenger- Now this one is a special brand of idiot. I don’t even know I’m just tired. How can you sell your best players year in year out and expect to be a threat? Let’s ignore that you’re selling these players to your competition. I mean, you sell Clichy, Kolo Toure, Adebayor and Nasri to Man City and guess who wins the English league? You sell RVP to ManU and look who’s about to win again. Nah guys, I’m sorry if you don’t watch football and you’re reading this, I just have to pour out this vex…Ok. I’ll do an entire rant on this in a subsequent post. But fuck you Mr Wenger. Fuck Y O FUCKING U. UGHHHHHh!!!
There are many other idiots out there. They be chilling at bus stops trying to extort motorists, you see them in reality shows trying to win some prize or the other and you wonder why their ‘loved ones’ didn’t stop them from embarrassing their lineage.
They are lots of them in offices under the acronym ‘boss’ They are a necessary evil and it seems they aren’t going anywhere soon…well except if like me, you have a plan of mixing their coffee with purgative.
Basically, my goal with this post is/was to show/prove/demonstrate to you that contrary to the general rule/belief that majority might be idiots, Some of us aren’t. 🙂
“To every rule there is an exception—and an idiot ready to demonstrate it. Don’t be the one!”