Well, you made it this far. Good for you. If you don’t have a boo yet, don’t worry. You’re not the most useless person around. There’s really a whole lot of you. LOL. Happy Valentines Day to you and the one that’s not yours yet because he/she can/might still break up with you after today.
On to today’s aptly chosen piece. He needs no Introduction but fuck it, I’ll Introduce who i damn well desire to Introduce. Ladies, Gentlemen and People of Twitter..
WARNING: This post is not for Single people.
Shebi at this point, normal single people should have closed the page and continued with their lives of seclusion and lotion (look I rhymed! ‘Clusion/lotion’ 😀 ) after having read that warning ba?
But not you.
The Bruce Willis of singledom.
I’m about to give you guys gist. It’s valentine season and this gist is annoyingly goopy. The season and simple courtesy demand it be so. Parts of the gist may or may not be true. It may or may not be awwwwwwwww-inspiring. But it darned sure is smarmy, diabetes-inducing , dripping with the detergent water from cupid’s boxers and you may actually want to stop living or die outrightly if you ignore the warning and go ahead to read this
BUT YOU KNOW IN YOUR CHURCH MIND THAT YOU’RE SINGLE AND YOU HAVEN’T YET MET YOUR “THE LOVER”. Ehen.
Hello Lovers and people in relationships and happy people in general, I greet you all. ^_^
*side eyes single people and spits waywardly in disgust*
Before I start, quick question… Can you remember how you met the current owner of your mumu button?
I remember mine. Any of you guys ever watched with desire as someone watched you watching them with desire? And the person is watching you with desire as you’re watching the person with desire and you’re watching the person watch you watch them? LOL! This life is a Swatch watch. I desire Panadol right now. I’ve made myself dizzy. (//-\\)
Like I was saying sha, It’s a beautiful beautiful sensation; that inception-ish process of eye-balling a stranger who is also eye-balling you. Beautiful
…Sha, that’s how we met, my sweetheart and I.
There I was. On my way to buy bread from the supermarket at the shopping complex in the estate. Short stroll. Saturday morning. Was about to cross the road. And since I am a normal human being and not a Millipede, I looked right then left before preparing to cross. And that’s when I saw her face. Guys, my heart made that honest-to-God KEDIKE sound for the first time in my entire life.
“From the first time I met you | There was something about you | I can never forget the way you tainted my heart…”
No jokes. I could hear and feel it in and from my chest. Not the normal PLUPLUPLUPLU sound. No, there was that … and then I saw her face, then KEDIKE, then the PLUPLUPLUPLU continued.
Such ethereal beauty. I stared into her eyes as time froze and watched as she watched me. Those eyes. The arch of her left eyebrow. That nose. Those lips … Kai, I could have lived in that moment forever. ^_^
“I just can’t help myself, I wan be your own…”
However, Time started to accelerate real quick as a simultaneous sequence of unfortunate incidences unravelled before my very life and watching eyes.
First, I noticed her eyebrows were arching further upwards even as her beautiful eyes began to widen. Almost as if she was about to scream or yodel.
Turned out she was about to scream.
In that same split second I noticed it was only her face I’d been able to see. I noticed this because I also noticed she was seated in the driver’s seat of a Range Rover sport. A Range Rover Sport in motion!
Thirdly I looked down and noticed I was no longer by the roadside about to cross, but I had crossed while ogling my incoming killer’s beautiful face. I was standing in the exact middle of the road..
In the path of the Jeep!
I looked up then. And our eyes met and locked even as I heard GBOOM! Next thing i think I knew, I was spread like fried eggs on the bonnet of the angelic stranger’s SUV. The babe must have stood on the brake at that moment because the Range halted of a sudden and I was propelled into the air in the opposite direction with all the grace of an Olympic long jumper on marijuana. I swear, at that moment, I Could understand why Superman wore his pants on the outside
I was deposited in a gutter with stinky rain water, spirogyra, the remainder of my shame and God knows what else.
I knew I wasn’t dead but humiliation and my inherent foolishness made me pretend. I assumed the Pacquiao even as I heard car doors opening and people running towards my direction.
I heard what I imagined to be her voice amidst all the other strange yelling voices. Repeatedly crying “oh my God I’ve killed him”. I cracked open an eyelid to peep. And you guys won’t believe this.
In that moment? In my pain? With everything that had just happened? My heart did a funny thing as I saw her full figure standing there with tears pouring down her beautiful face and a slight wind rustling her hair across her face just so.
My stupid heart made that KEDIKE sound again. :’)
The crowd dispersed when they poked and prodded me and I kept muttering “Go away.” They realised I was more embarrassed than actually hurt and they left me with my stranger.
“Hired killer.” I muttered as I limped out of the gutter and glowered at her.
“Accident victim.” She replied.
And believe it or not we both laughed long and hard. As if it was the single most fucking natural thing for us to have met the way we did.
She asked if I’d left both my eyeballs at home and inquired as to what the hell was actually wrong with me? “What were you looking at? She yelled it like twice.
I asked whether it was Lucifer itself or a direct subordinate that taught her to drive and whether the lesson took place in hell or here in Abuja.
I made to hobble away. She brushed off my “I’m okay”s and ended up dropping me off at the estate clinic. Later, we exchanged contacts. while she complained about the inconsiderate dentIi left on her truck.
On our third date after the incident, I spilled my drink twice as she looked at me. And she choked on her food repeatedly whenever she’d find me watching her. Seated across each other after dinner at some restaurant in some Mall outside the estate, we both started to talk at once of a sudden. She made me go first. And I told her how the accident actually happened (Just as I’ve told you guys). from my perspective. I held nothing back. Told her how I just couldn’t help myself. How I’d felt at that moment when she caught my gaze from behind the wheel of her ride before she nearly killed me.
I basically spat out the entire lyrics of the song which’s title is somewhere above this post. Told her I’d gladly agree to be hit over and over by her truck in all of my afterlives if it would mean we’d always meet and never be apart for all of eternity. Yeah. I said all of that and more. It was an intuitive gamble. I decided to tell her all anyway. My heart had never before beat that way for anybody. Not even that one day when an armed robber, wearing a red shirt and medicated glasses, being chased by an angry mob had sprinted past me. And I was wearing a red shirt too. And medicated glasses. And heading towards the mob. But I digress. That is another gist for another day.
Where was I?
Ah, yes. I told her to laugh at me if she wanted to for being silly and that expressive on our 3rd date. Then I resumed my psycho babble. At some point in my babble I realised she wasn’t laughing.
So I shut up. And watched her watch me.
And she took my hand then. I looked away.
She splayed my fingers over her chest. Over her
Then she asked me to look at her.
I looked into her eyes and I swear to God guys.
Her. Heart. Went. KE.DI.KE.
“That’s how I feel when you look at me.” she said :’)
That was 3 years ago. We’re married now. And we tell the story of how we met. To EVERYONE
To God be the glory.
We are nothing but pencils in the hand of the almighty.
THE GODDAMNED END
*wipes tears and mucii on Saka’s tee shirt* … Wait. The plural of mucus is mucii right? Toh. Sue me if it’s not. It sure as hell sounds right.
Anyways, happy new year and merry valentine to you all and the families of your better halves.
P.S. As at the time I was typing this last part of this post, (to the best of my knowledge) I was/am Still single too. Shame on the universe. *shakes fist*