All I Want For Christmas

Ho Ho Ho!!! Not you Miss Kardation. Yes, It’s Christmas in a matter of days and a lot of you are already in high spirits. Let’s not ignore the fact that some of y’all are always constantly high irrespective of the spirits you indulge in. so yeah. Anyway, as part of our contribution to the season and ensuring that the avid readers of TSC get a chance to experience the joy that comes with this time, we decided to do this.

We asked that you (dear reader) send in your Christmas wishes; These were collated and then forwarded to the North Pole for analysis and scrutiny. Santa said something about him needing to do some sort of Post UME type shit to decipher who’s been naughty or nice. What you’re about to see here is his response to the list sent, The words of the bearded one are in italics. Enjoy and please share with your intended. Beyond the responses, we sincerely hope that if you are mentioned here, you would be nice enough to make someone’s Christmas wish come to pass.

That’s what Christmas is about, right? Right.

Ok then

@So_eXclusiv3: All I want for Xmas is @sirkastiq & chocolate cake      -_-

So I went through your file and realized you have been quite a good girl this year. There were one or two instances; like that party where you allowed that boy push his member into your posterior like he was trying to rip your jeans with it. Such a dweeb, Isn’t that why it’s jeans? Smh. Anyway, do you want sirkastiq on the cake, in the cake, or the cake on him, in him, do you want him in your cake..oops! Send another wish for next year or then again..

@BiggieMonzie: I just want nice male stuff from @KingSweetiee

You know she’s female right? And by male stuff, what exactly do you mean? A shaving stick? ‘cos Igbo women be on that tip too these days. Ah well, King Sweetie, you ‘read’ the man

@MlleShafau: Dear Daddy, All I want for Christmas is a trip to Paris, a Lumia 900 and a Canon Rebel T4i. 🙂

First of all, Do you have daddy issues? ‘cos I dunno when/how I became your daddy. Yo ma an elf? No? Then I sure as hell didn’t do her. Now, you want a trip, a phone and a Camera. Dear Shafau, give me your daddy’s phone number.

@Mystiqqal: All I want for Christmas is a new blackberry (bold 4/6) and an ipod and I want it from Mr Sirkastiq 😀

Dear Mystiqqal, don’t you have a boyfriend? Is Mr. Sirkastiq your boyfriend? You are both suspect!

@hahishaa: From y’all at SarcasticCtr since I read all ur posts.. 🙂 Lagos Life London Living or Half of a yellow sun. Thanks in advance 😀

I think they should be able to make something happen. Atink? Guys? GUYS? *crickets*

@Ms_Veevy: I want a cake for Christmas. A cake that has John Mayer’s face on it. I want to eat him. Thank You.

Alright, so basically you want a munched picture of John Mayer on a cake..hold on a bit…

Don’t finish it all at once.

These TSC people are so awesome right? Yeah. Spread the word. 

@ehienabs: Ooooh I want a stuffed animal, preferably a dolphin, blue in color, I want it from @TheGreyGenesis

LOOOL…a dolphin? Is that what you call the ‘D’ now? You want it blue? Like blue balls? Well, Dammy over to you. Don’t Dull.

(How many assonances are in the above?) 80mks

@EdgothBoy: I want multiracial babies from @weird_oo

LOL! We said make wishes, not set P. What do you think this is? We shall excuse your thirst. *scoffs* Multiracial kor. As two of una black reach?

@lucydiashi: Hi,my xmas wish is for someone to foot the bill 4 cervical cancer screening for 100 women @ our event ‘Red Cup Tins’.@ N1,000 per woman

*assumes serious stance* Anyone with me on this one? Can we get details/replies in the comment box?

@theOnlyUyai: Heyyyyy. I want a huge cake and a box of belgium chocolates from Rugo

Rugo, over to you. You heard the lady.

@W_CUB3 : The real,human pictures of Ke(L)vin @Sirkastiq and Dammy @TheGreyGenesis is all I ask for this Christmas.

We might as well just answer you here and now. Merry Christmas

You're welcome
You’re welcome

PS: Terdoh is holding the camera and Dammy is shooting. Hehe. Shooting…

@Nwanyii_Oma: I’ll love to have Cello 🙂 . Make it happen.

Cello? Like cello-tape? That shit costs 70 bucks max. Yo… Who has 70 naira? We don’t have change.

@MzOjeniyi: All I want for Christmas is a date with @thetoolsman x_x

*blows trumpet* This is not even a problem, You are going to be at TNC5 right? Make sure you’re there. Watch us perform the magic.

@DimiNeeKookie: Ehn ehn, all I want for christmas is small chops and suya delivered to SL1 8HJ, Thank you… Now how’s that for a humble christmas wish? 😀

SL1 8HJ? Is that a plate number? Where is…?What the…? Santa does not deliver presents to moving vans.

@Bellaifee: My Christmas wish is a long term one. I want to get admission to do my masters in Canada by September. Can Santa do that 4 me?

Of course Santa can do that for you. Do you have a laptop, Internet connection, a mouse? Fine, now go to Google  type in “Masters in Canada” Select school, click apply.

Now wait.

Merry Christmas.

@bluphoenixrebel: A Canon PowerShot SX260 HS digital camera won’t be bad at all- as I’m single this gift can come from anyone- the giver gets a prize too! :p

As you’re single, my dear you should be looking for boyfriend not Camera. Manage your BB or Iphone one and patronize Instagram filters. Merry Christmas.

@Psalmchelsz:  All I want for Christmas is an iPhone 5

Did you know the iPhone 5 costs over a hundred Gs? Seeing as you are a man, we cannot provide you with a boyfriend. (Right? Or do you swing low like a sweet chariot?) So, we shall get you a job.

The Sarcastic Center; Teaching a man to fish.

Merry Christmas bro.

@Mzz_Kemmie: I know I’m not supposed to ask for something silly, but what the hell….. All I want for christmas is Terdoh’s brain…..

What kind of…? Is this the Zombie apocalypse? Why do you want his brain? Wait. Is that…? Oh I get it! You want him to give you brain. Terdoh? Over to you.

@TosinOl: All I want 4 Christmas is @ thomasscrown home in Nigeria 🙂

Dear thomasscrown, you heard the lady! You’re needed in the motherland.

@Owggee: Even tho I’m practically computer illiterate, I want a NEW laptop for Christmas! Err… Dunno who I want it from, I’m not sure I care sef.

You don’t care who it is from? You don’t? This is why you young people don’t get gifts anymore. No laptop for you.

@ejayuru: I want a Sony vaio laptop.. cest tout…

What is the sudden craze for laptops? And Ejay, shouldn’t you be wishing for a husband this Christmas season? and who you calling a tout,  you black magic rip off who is not even close to the real blackmagic but …UGH!!

That’s one saucy santa yeah? wonder where all his Christmas cheer went. Well if the only ass I got all year was deer, I’d probably be pissed too. Let’s not even talk about the fact that he ‘comes’ once a year. Can you imagine storing up all that milky goodness to just come once and that’s it? You would be pissed too.

We hope that someone somewhere reads this post and is moved to make another someone’s wish come to pass. You know you can.

In the meantime the TSC crew will like to identify with @Ada_D_Body and @Madphury. We totally support  #ChristmasOnTheStreetz (Making Christmas fun for the displaced children and less privileged at Makoko) movement and might be making an appearance to show solidarity. You can learn more about it here You can also give towards the event via this account Name: Munachi Aniemena (acting accountant) Bank: UBA Acct No: 2059093752

Make it a memorable Christmas for someone. Thank you to all who sent in wishes. We hope they’ll come true.

Merry Christmas guys

@Sirkastiq for TSC


56 thoughts on “All I Want For Christmas

  1. LMAO!!! This right here is one helluva naughty and hilarious Santa.. I totally love your post.. I was LOL-ing at the salon while reading this.. Merry Christmas to you too. and thanks for mentioning #ChristmasonthestreetZ. 🙂


    1. Answer: I could swear the lady is Chidinma but since you can’t tell, she might as well be Chioma

      Sirkastiq IS an Arsenal fan. Sirkastiq is just attracted to fine things

      We never claimed to be rich but since you know so much about that, we shall believe your experience 🙂

      LOOOOL Merry Christmas


  2. ROTFL! This is so hilarious, people at work be wondering why I’m laughing this loud!
    My Christmas wish may not be granted, but I’m in good spirits already, thanks to this post (I’m saving the other spirits for the D-Day). Mind you – I’m working on the boyfriend thingie, Santa need not help with this -_-
    Merry Christmas dudes!


  3. Funny how nobody asked for important things like world peace, beans and weed or Santa’s limited edition cum since he only comes once a year. *sigh* Misplaced priorities.


  4. Loool! I liked this… Every bit of it. This Santa sounds pained though; heartbroken, perhaps?

    Please, is there an account for the Cervical Ca. Screening? And have you guys confirmed it’s genuine?

    I still want my laptop though…. Merry Christmas. 🙂


  5. LOL this is soo hilarious. The ‘masters in canada’ one killed me! Happy holidays to the TSC team, thank you for making me laugh all year. 🙂


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