Christmas season is a fun season for many reasons. This is where you act like you didn’t notice my bars oh…keep reading. So yeah, while it’s a season for lots of merriment, we at TSC cannot help but give credit to whom it is due. It is completely appalling and heart breaking that the real martyrs of the season go without being celebrated. Ask the layman on the street what Christmas represents and he’s quick to tell you that we are celebrating the birth of Christ. If you ask some more people, one is sure going to say it’s about celebrating the death of Christ.
Please you can look directly at me, this isn’t class and I’m not about to ask you. Yes, it’s about that but there also is another that makes the season
What is this life but a pot of boiling water and Maggi cubes. Seeing as that’s my eventual fate, I don’t think it’s quite the befitting end to what I expected. You would think that things would be a tad easy seeing as I don’t have to bother with the arduous, daily tasks of waking up early in the morning to brush my teeth and/or shower. Oh my bad! I do wake up early daily and that’s because that cock doesn’t know how to keep his mouth shut. Yes pun Intended. I’d call him a pussy but that would be glorifying basically.
What? You think I can’t say it to his face that he’s a cock? What do you take me for, a chicken? You are right either ways, I am a chicken.
I can’t exactly remember when I was born because you know, we don’t have calendars and shit. I was the product of a street romance though, Mother told me she was chased round Unity close at Ikeja and somewhere between Toyin st and Ikeja Under bridge, father caught up with her and proceeded to mount her while planting kisses on her neck. Meanwhile, you humans ain’t shit tho. How come dogs and bitches get a sex style named after them and we don’t? Or y’all wanna act like you haven’t seen the chicken style before? Fuckers!
So yeah, there I was, conceived in glory, looking like a fly egg and shit when I was plopped out of mothers ass. Couldn’t find a better angled picture, but yeah, that’s me at birth.
Father didn’t exactly stay to be the breadwinner of the family as he could only manage to pick up few grains as days passed, Before mother could say “cock-a-doodle-doo” Father had stuck his pee-pee inside another chicken. At this point, it’s ok to wonder if you’ve ever seen cock penis. Oh Oh! You didn’t know cocks have cocks? What sort of ignorant igho are you? Where do you think the word cock came from? DPMO please.
The life of a chicken isn’t exactly an easy one. Daily running from un-cultured humans, drunk, stupid drivers and making sure we don’t stop in front of buka’s attempting to catch a breath. I mean, you guys get all loud about kidnappings and shit, you don’t hear us go all cuckoo when our brethren get napped. Walk into your nearest restaurant and what do you see? BAM! Rolling on some grill, you see Julius, nude and roasting. I mean Julius ruled the streets. Nigga was feared all round and there he is; ROLLING ON A FUCKING GRILL, we don’t get no rest. *tears* and you look in the show glass and you see ahmed, francis and chidera (of course beheaded to death) You guys never chill.
It’s not even funny anymore. We don’t rest, Now it’s that time of year where we experience the highest amount of missing persons, highest rate of murders and shit. We can’t deal anymore. Every holiday season basically involves our lives at risk. What the fuck is wrong with you people? What happened to murdering pigs and goats and cows? Why don’t you even murder those wannabe, gutless idiot turkeys as much as you do us? I mean, it used to be equally spread out in time past but now you guys don’t even wait for the special holidays anymore, y’all just be eating chickens daily like we ain’t shit.
And you moslems, what happened to killing rams on YOUR holidays? Oh they’re not good enough now? I don’t see where it said that Ibrahim saw a chicken up on the mountain when he wanted to kill Isiaka. I don’t see that so what the fuck is your fucking problem you fucking fuckers??? AAARGGGGHHHHH!!!! *plucks feathers out* You better not tell me to calm my titties, like you don’t like chicken breast. Psssh.
It’s Christmas now, and many of us worldwide are going to lay down our lives for the sake of your stupid celebration. I really don’t get it. Y’all say a saviour was born on this day and he died so that all who believe in Him might be saved and live. No one listens to us when we say we believe in Jesus. No. No one listens when we recite our hail Marys and plead the blood just before our throats are slit. And if he died for us, why the fuck am I being killed for him?
As you put one of my brothers and sisters in some cage or tie us up to some pole somewhere, remember that you are doing us a great injustice and violating our fundamental rights to life. And all that rubbish you feed us in the name of food, fuck you all for that. Oh yes, those of you that actually expect to find eggs in us after death, how about you just stick your pee pees in our ass and trigger the process. Can you tell how pissed I am yet? Can you see how we’ve being reduced to nothing but an accompaniment in some stupid meal?
And yeah, why do you all have to kill us by slicing our throats? I don’t see humans having their throats sliced on the regs. Here’s a suggestion, how about you poison us with some food supplements? I dunno, drop that shit in our food and we’ll gladly slump and die. Oh, that puts you at risk of eating poisoned chicken? TELL ME SOMETHING I DIDN’T FUCKING KNOW? Niggas be slicing our heads like we ain’t got crowns and shit, treating us like darn poultry, shiiii. And oh, plucking off our feathers, can y’all like be easy? Some of us saved a lot for our Gucci feathers, you can’t just be all up in our business ripping it apart. TF it look like, Jesus coat at the crucifixion?
Basically, these are just my last words. I know where I’m headed. Some pot, mixed with Tomatoes, oil and maybe vegetables, I’ve accepted my fate. I lay down my life so you can have a Merry Christmas. This is my contribution to earth.
Oh and yeah? Can you fuckers allow a nigga cross the street without having his motives questioned? Thank-the-fuck-you.
LOL…I’m sorry guys, but someone had to speak for them and my chicken had been bugging all this while. Anyway, you must have heard of the “All I want for Chrsitmas” post. This comes up on the 20th of December and TSC is playing Santa. Here’s how it works: Just follow us @TheSarcasticCtr and DM what YOU want as a Christmas gift and WHO you want it from (name, handle or nickname) We shall put it up on the blog and hopefully, the target ‘audience’ will get to see it when you ‘mistakenly’ force him/her to view the post. So keep the DMs coming guys. Cheers.