“You better watch out, you better watch out, you better *chops mouth* I’m telling you now, Santa Claus is coming to town” …Ho Ho Hold your horses! I know it’s not Christmas yet and I’m not even trying to speed up things around here. Oh before we delve, allow me to thank you guys again for the votes and belief in the TSC team. Yes y’all voted for us and we got the award for “best humor blog” for another year running. No monetary prizes but hey, recognition aids fulfilment. Thank you.
So yeah, where were we?
As Christmas approaches, there are noteable things that begin to happen: Streets begin to be littered with what are supposed to be carnival flags but actually are either CD plates or triangular cut pieces of paper. Major roads get decorated with Christmas lights and companies pull out their red and green drapes to try show how much Christmas spirit they possess.
Screw you. I’m no Grinch. Well maybe I am but that’s not the issue.
So while you’re here being all posh and popular, you hide the fact that you’re the Christmas Carnival Committee Chairman (CCCC) of Agbotikuyo youth association. You are the one responsible for planning the “Mother of all carnivals” Excuse me but what actually goes on in these carnivals?
Screw you. I’ve never attended any.
Screw you. I’m posh.
Screw you. I’ve never been a CCCC.
*This post ain’t bout the Lagos/Rivers State organised type carnivals.
We talking street here nigga. STREET!
So you delegate people to buy CDs or do they just donate the CDs they ain’t using no more? You get the Area agbero that needs quick cash for his next spliff to climb up various poles to “install” these carnival flags, of course you’ve paid Lukman the electrician who normally helps you with your illegal NEPA connection to rent you his ladder for N500, Haruna (pronounced aruno) is the area printer, He’s got your banner locked down and dabs away contributing his quota to the “Mother of all carnivals.” And here you are reading this article pretending like you do not know wharrahell I’m talking about.
Let’s pretend that the lot of you live on the Island and as such are oblivious of the struggles of the Mainlanders. I’m not trying to segregate but please we island people aren’t about such struggle lives. We want a carnival, we go for Notting Hill or just chill for some real Rio shit.
Now back to you guys. Have you people seen the names of some of these carnivals? I mean what manner of razz, foul, Wasiu Alabi devil gives such ideas? You see shit like “Unleash the koko dragon 2010” “Obalende Youths YES WE CA(R)NIVAL” “Diamonds in the Sky Riri Carnival” WHAAAAAT?? As if the names are not depressing enough, all that happens in the said carnivals are enough to make you go listen to Drake and just bawl your eyes out while in a shower.
The first thing you notice with these carnivals of course is the ‘decorations’ Your Nepa wires just begin to look all designed and shit. Have you ever wondered how come people were able to actually get up there and fix those things on the wires without getting a rooftop Mc like shock therapy? Its two things: One – Jazz. Two – they’ve tampered with your transformer. Most of these carnival areas hardly have light. Yes if you live at Isheri, Ikotun, Ikorodu (Hi Tee),Egbeda, Bariga, Car wash (LOL) You know that of which I speak.
Next, as the carnival day draws near, a mini Lekki toll gate appears. I mean well, it doesn’t exactly have the same structural, automated features as what we enjoy on the Island but there’s nothing a long bamboo stick and two drums (which shall eventually double as Freezers) cannot do. This toll gate shall serve as collection point for the carnival. As you drive past, it is expected that you drop something for awon boys for the execution of the event. Let’s forget the fact that there will be about 15 other toll points within a 50m distance.
These carnivals normally commence on the 24th or 26th of December. Some even last from 24th-26th and generally have nothing carnival-ish about them. Ahmean, you don’t see no sexy ladies with feathers, thin thongs and sexy bras strutting their stuff while dancing to Timaya’s “Shake your bum bum” We don’t see no creative costumes and garbs. All we get if anything is some hungry nigga dressed in straw and dirty clothes carrying a cane ready to flog anyone who doesn’t drop at least N50 for him. Why evils? And then the Music, OhMyGoist…The Music! As is common with you mainlanders, there’s always one guy who sells CDs and has his shop littered with posters of unknown musicians. His shop always has at least 2 speakers outside with the localest of music playing ALL. THE. TIME. Even when NEPA seizes power, nigga’s got his Ibetapassmynebo (lol) gen on stand-by blasting his music with no care in the world. So yes, this dude is given the contract to supply music for the carnival so he moves his speakers to the bus stop (which is often the carnival location), mounts them and begins to fantasize about being a DJ while churning out music worse than a loud Monday morning alarm clock.
In the advertised banner, you’ll be told that guest artistes shall be on hand to perform. You’ll see names like Iyanya, Wizkid, Fatai Rolling Dollar and Davido and you sef believed. All you get on D-day is a donate-to-my-album-plea by kpeguru the aspiring fuji musician on your street. smh. There’s lots of green bottles going round. Of course, the neighbourhood agberos have invited their shorty’s and their ‘awon temi’ and somehow they find the rhythm in the songs and dance along, mostly off beat but who cares? The smell of paraga and that local ‘green’ fills the air and carnival is in full swing. This goes on till late night and lasts sometimes till morning.
Like I said, I’m posh.
But you know what I’m talking about tho
Don’t get it twisted, I’m not trying to knock your hustle. I just want you to know my brother, my sister, that there’s a better life for you out there. Emancipate yourself from mental slavery. This isn’t life. Come over to the Lord’s side and taste the goodness of carnivals and shit. Sadly, the West Indies Carnivals that used to hold at TBS don’t hold no more but even them, don’t be a menace. The point of all this apart from trying to annoy the shit out of you (which I hope I succeeded at) is to prepare you for the season ahead. As days pass, I shall come on here to talk about Christmas and things I notice, share some advice and basically just get you ready for the seizing. All pun intended.
Feel free to use the comment box to cast yourself and fall your own hand. At TSC, we don’t judge
Remember guys, all this is fiction. I’m not about this life. Heck, I stay on the Island.
Terdoh: Yo Kel, this carnival won’t plan itself yo! Dammy: *snickers*