Hey Guys, it’s our deepest desire to entertain while at the same time mess up your brains with the things we put out on here. This post however, is geared at righting the wrongs of generations past and bringing forth World peace…or not.
Ladies and Gentlemen, enjoy…
“He touched me, he touched me, oh what joy fills my soul…”
Try as I might, every single time the choir sings this song, I can’t help but choke on my own giggle. So seshual, so damn seshual. He touched you. Of course you’re happy he touched you. Ehn, judge me o, judgemetina and judgementus, you hear, go ahead judge me. This bola lady won’t kill me in this church though I’ve told her a thousand and one times to stop dressing and winding like she’s backup for beyonce; always looking sexy abi horny. Speaking of which, I am…Horny that is. Crap. Not again.
You’re confused aren’t you? Turning your nose up at me? lol. Let’s not play that game, I’ve turned my nose up at people more times than Mitt Romney’s been called a liar. So you can like to chill. Anyway, my name is Pastor Funmi and I’m the minister-in charge of the choir department of Victory House fellowship, University of Ibadan. I’m in my final year of Medicine and surgery and believe me, I can NOT wait till I’m inducted. It’s been 6 years of hiding, 6 years of deceit, 6 years of keeping this huge secret. Well, it’s not really a secret seeing as all have sinned and come short of the Glory of God. I’m just a sinner waiting for the R.kelly like saint who’s going to save me….and no, Pastor is not my first name. eyin oloriburuku oshi! Tueh!!
Daddy personally handed me over to the pastor-in-charge when I resumed school in my first year. He wanted me to be a pastor too you know. Bless his poor soul. In other news, Service needs to come to an end though, this between my legs needs to be put out. *facepalm* I still have to welcome the first timers. *sigh* memories. He was a first timer too.
Kande was a Hausa god in guinea. I remember the sexy ass, flowing green guinea kaftan he was wearing. I literally tripped over my own foot on sighting him at the visitor’s corner after service. I had never shelled so many times in one conversation in my entire life as I did that day. Thank God for excess melanin, I’d have been beet red! I got his number and address as was requested for visitors’ follow-up. That, was where it started going down south. Down south. Now if that’s not a badly placed pun….
He was on the phone when he ushered me in to his BQ. Oh Lord that Hausa accent laced with a bit of English. Perfect I tell you. I sat on his bed (see how the devil starts?) since BQs in school barely had enough space for extra furniture, listening to him argue on the phone. He seemed angry. Maybe this was a sign from God. Maybe God wanted me to help him with anger issues. Maybe he was my helpmate and God wanted me to help him grow; you know, till we both were ready for harvesting. I flipped open my bible and you know what my eyes fell on? Ezekiel 23:20… “for she doted upon them whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emissions were like that of horses.” The devil’s a bastard isn’t he? Using the bible against me? I mean, come on! Of all verses to have stumbled on! I quickly flipped to the 23rd Psalm, I needed The Lord to be my Shepherd and lead me to the still waters located somewhere in Kande’s mouth…No, not that. “…even though I walk through the shadow of the valley of his dick, I’ll…” Wait. What? This is going all wrong, I quickly excused myself to the bathroom… an attempt to get the devil behind me. Wrong call… I stepped back into the room to meet kay waiting… on the bed… naked… My Lord jesus, kay was uncircumcised. And that thing, that thing hanging between his legs, that thing was big enough to pound Christmas yam! “hello pastor Funmi…”. That was the end guys, THE END, that cherry popped and it was well popped! The service was amazing, My God! I sang heavenly choruses and saw the Cherub and Angels descending Heavenly banisters. At some point during the servicing, sorry service, I swear I heard the Halleluyah Chorus while David played the Harp.
Not all fairy tales have happy endings, definitely not mine. Kay just disappeared. I mean, it couldn’t have been the rapture ‘cos I’m still here. Well fuck you for that raised eyebrow; The Lord loves me the way I am, Get your pretentious darling yaki wearing ass outta here. It felt like my world crashed. I would look out for him at fellowship meetings, even made him a special prayer point during our prayer meetings but he never showed up.I would later learn that he was advised to withdraw and he took the advice. I don’t know why he never told me, Oh then again, we didn’t do much pillow talk.
Great! this one has spotted me now. Let me tell you a bit about Sheye. He was recently anointed as the Usher’s leader but was my padi padi back then. We had met at 411 on a Friday when I’d gone to buy shawarma and the attendant was wasting my time, I wanted to cuss her out but had to chill because you know, I was in year 2 and ought to be the prim and proper Christian. Sheye was next on the queue, Obviously he had seen my frustration and was quick to hassle the attendant on my behalf. He introduced himself as “brother sheye from Fire Ablaze ministries” and then asked me to join him for some drinks later. Don’t judge me, He was HAWTER THAN FIRE!!! Which is a good thing you know; wonderfully made and shit…
I ordered the Cranberry Juice…He ordered the Vodka.
Dear God, so this is where my extra rib is meant to complete? How great thou art…
One tin one tin, we were flashing each other halogen green lights over the drinks. Me, I kuku know how to alcohol my handle as you can see. Our friendship grew as days passed, I converted him to my fellowship, we became drinking (communion) buddies and one Friday night, we ended up at his apartment in the middle of the night. For a “brother,” sheye had the most suspect bedroom I’d ever visited. My panties found their way to the floor joining my top and bra that I had somehow gotten rid of. He lay me on the bed and started kissing me all over, kissing my inner thighs and all. You know, everywhere but where I really needed ministration. Ko funny at all. Kini gbogbo nonsense. But really, why do you men like to form harlequin romance during sex? I will brush you! I don’t have time for senrenre mehn! “brother sheye, don’t waste my time’ I swear, I don’t know when it slipped out. He looked up at me and gave me the cockiest smile ever. “Mental eye roll* I watched myself push his head down in the mirror above his bed (now I see why we’ve never had home fellowship at his place) and smiled.
It’s about to go down…omo i bad o
Barely had he started when the devil struck… shebi I thought he was a bastard before ehn, this time he showed me. I pushed his head deeper, letting myself sink into it and then it happened… I messed. No, not that sexy pussy-fart. I MESSED. Mo so. Iso kikan! Everyone thinks a mirror above the bed is kinky and sexy and all that…not till you see your gbensher’s reaction after you fart. He looked like someone had exposed him to a lifetime of suffering and depression. The mess left him a mess to be honest. That’s not even the worst part, he didn’t even give me the chance to do the Walk of Shame. Sheye looked like he had just experienced the Damascus light as he got up, glassy eyed and walked out into the darkness. I grabbed my clothes and had to escape the smell too.
“Omo pastor, she don’t listen, Omo pastor she’s a vixen, Omo pastor k’okin gbo’ro…”
I wind vigorously as Ajebutter’s jam blares loudly from the speakers here at Club 10, Lagos. Omo mehn, my Azonto is badder than all of you. What? My Induction party is so much fun, nothing beats this life I think to myself. I down another shot of Tequila and resume my hand-leg coordinated movement when I feel a tap on my shoulder. I turn around, careful not to go out of step. OH MY! Who says my God is not a miracle worker and cannot locate his lost sheep?
I start speaking in tongues while craving his tongue. MasaaasaaasaTontotontoisaDikedooooo”
I’m going to heaven today.
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