Mus(ny)C

It’s a crazy world we live in and it seems to get crazier as days pass. I don’t understand it one bit. Has crazy become the new cool?

Welcome to TSC and a new segment we’re test running. It’s called “Opinions” You know the good thing about this segment? Your opinion is highly sought and appreciated but not necessarily needed and that’s because it’s your opinion and we can do what tha hell we decide to do with it, Yes, it’s our prerogative. So how does this work exactly? Um..i haven’t really got a hang of it yet but I promise I’d work something out.

Here’s my reason for this post: I consider myself an avid follower of the Nigerian music scene and I love me some Naij jamz, matter of fact allow me burst your bubble a bit. I know some of you have imagined me as that sweet guy that will lay roses at your feet while singing Trey Songs or the romantic “serve me breakfast in bed while Maxwell plays in the background dude?” Fa fa fa? Fawo! I’m that nigga that’ll have you kako-bi-chickeing all day and all night till you can’t kontrol yourself.

So yes, Naija music. What is really going on? Are we getting better or just releasing a pile load of shit that is danceable? Remember the days of Onyeka Onwenu’s “Iyogogo” Damn, many of us didn’t understand what she was saying but we just knew it was good music. It made us feel like we were in some garden with Unicorns, butterflies n shit, skipping happily to the tune and smiling in solidarity with her own smile…There was no weed then so that couldn’t have been it.  The days of Blackky where he respected “Rosie” enough to ask her for a dance. A DANCE O! DANCE!!! Today, whaddowegot? May D, showing us how to cut to the chase: “Would you like to tinghenghen?” I’m not even going to start with that question that is all in our heads sigh…No I don’t know what tinghenghen means but it’s provocative.

Go figure…like GO!!! FIGURE!!!

I’ve decided to do some of you a favour. I know the job market isn’t favourable and more people are trying to put their talents to use. You have finally realised that you have been called to the music industry. Forget the fact that your knowledge of music is as vast as Rick Ross’ knowledge of slums in Nigeria.

Yessir…that’s what slums do. Ungh!

Ignore also the fact that you think that the Tonic Solfa is a new brand of Schweppes. You have decided to go into music because the Nigerian music scene is shit and you are the saviour we silently crave. I am here to help you.

How to make it BIG in the Naij Music scene

Thisclaimer: Based on my non existent experience in the music industry and the fact that I have worldwide connections (visit my linkedIn page), Every point I shall share here is guaranteed to work as long as they are strictly adhered to. If they don’t work, do a Zidane.

• 1. Remember to shout “it’s your boy/girl” when you release that single. It doesn’t matter if no one knows who you are. It’s essential you connect to your imaginary fan base. Do not be fazed by the fact that the only people that believe in you are actually your partner (who is hoping you’ll blow so he/she can move up the ladder of success) Ensure you Shout this at every opportunity. If you are not sure of your sex, a good phrase will be “it’s me again” Yes, it also doesn’t matter that it’s your first time.
• 2. You must also let us know that you’ve come a long way. Saying “it’s been a long time coming” is a good way to achieve this. Of course, it don’t matter that you decided to enter the music scene after reading on Leenda ikaygees blog that Davido (your mate) bought a N2million necklace. Let us know that you’ve been in this long time and this is it finally.
• 3. Depending on your genre of music…you know what scratch that. No matter what you’re singing, use words that don’t make sense. Statistics have shown that the more gibberish you throw into your songs, the more appreciated it is. Ask Orezi, D’prince and May D.

Need i say more?

• 4. You know you must HAVE a Twitter account, right? Even if you won’t tweet shit (which I advise), get your friends or the members of the Twitter cabal to help hype your song. What? Its crap? Do they care? They actually won’t listen to it but they have the ability to sell ice to Eskimos. Grease palms a bit and voila! Oh! While you’re at it, go to some nice studio and get album art done. SHUT UP! I KNOW YOU DON’T HAVE AN ALBUM!!!
• 5. Now that people have hopefully DL’d and listened to your art. Note: Use words like “art” instead of “music, song” to show how deep you are, Ignore the haters. Haters gon’ hate. They aren’t of the same intellectual level as you are so their opinion is shit. Make CD copies of your songs and take to radio stations. Note you have to start with the ones that don’t mind helping out new folk. Places like Maulag FM, Wazobia FM.
• 6. Woot Woot!! Your song was sampled on Maulag FM. Who’s the star now? Nigga you don did it *chest bump* ungh!!!  You gotta hype that shit. Get your friend to take pictures of your studio time and put it up everywhere; facebook, Twitter, make flyers. Let people know you’ve arrived niccur. YEAH!
• 7. Now, let’s make a video. C’mon man, the Nigerian music scene isn’t complete without videos. SEXY GIRLS. Tell your sister, girlfriend, fellow church usher to invite her friends for your house party. I understand that there’s no money.  Oh you squat? No biggie, find some friend, that’s what they’re there for. Promise him some position when you blow, Manager or a Sina Rambo, B-red kinda role. yes. So all set, now the girls, If you tell them to come for a video shoot, they’ll be expecting some form of payment. Invite them for a party and let your song be playing loudly in the background. Make sure your invisible friend is filming it all.
• 8. No matter how broke you are, you MUST buy or rent plenty bottles of champagne, drinks etc. What? You don’t have to do much. Make sure you pop ONLY ONE. Your cameraman must get that exact shot; where the bottle pops. If you can lay your hands on any hard currency also, make sure it shows. Be careful how you throw it around tho, you don’t want any note to miss.
• 9. Repeat major words in the songs. The phrases you want people to easily remember must be repeated often, you know they say “repetition enhances remembering” Yes. don’t make them bleh like “Sengemenge or Okpekete” Make sure they are things that can be used in daily banter like “ghen ghen” and “sinzu” You don’t even have to come up with a new one. Do a Wizkid and put ALL into your song.
• 10. At the end of the song, do a shout out. Tell us the name of your DJ, shout out to your ‘fans’ in the abroad, your record label, Shout out to your “fellow artistes” who are NOT in the song. Who said you can’t famz? Abeg, na their papa press the coal tar?

Look at you now; Such a big boy in the music industry. Thank me later. So yeah, I think I’ve done my bit of CSR to last me some time. What can you say about our music? Are we all about beats and low on quality of lyrics? I mean we all know D’banj can’t sing to save his life. Nigga couldn’t even construct lyrics for that “Kukere” remix. Please what is “when I ride to the club in my Aston Martin/ Girls gettin’ nasty after Remy Martin/ chilling in VIP with Obafemi Martin” #IsItByForce? Since he parted with DonJazzy, it seems like his career has done a moonwalk. Am I the only one that sees the koko master becoming a TV presenter on “jara” soon?

There are hopeful bright spots though.I mean I love May D and his ability to make razz look so cool, I love “ajebutter” and his fresh house sound, There are the Nnekas, Wizkids, dares, Naeto Cs, Efas  but I don’t understand the okpekete’s of this earth. Sigh…this is getting long. I’m going to end here not because I want to but because this is becoming longer than planned. Maybe I’ll do a sequel…

Share your opinions and feel free to drop some success nuggets.

Peace and Chicken Grease.

Sirkastiq.