Make Me Understand.

DEEEESCLAIMAAARGGHHHHHHHHOIIWVNFDNKVEISUBJVDX!!!!!!!!!

That’s “Disclaimer” by the way.

I love muslims yo! Many of my really close friends are staunch Muslims. And even though some of your brothers be fucking up shit in various parts of the country and the world, I want to believe y’all don’t all have the same mindset.

Some o’ y’all cool as corpses.

So, I have nothing against the Muslims. This is mostly jokes. You know, make dark of a light situation.

Also, I was under the influence. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Matter of fact, I didn’t even write this shit! Take it up with blog admin…

Wait… I am blog admin.

Just read. Okay?

I know y’all going “Damn, a real disclaimer”. Yeah bitches. I don’t want to get shot when I’m peeing on the road or some crazy shit like that. 50 got shot, Biggie got shot, Pac got shot, Cumical can’t even rap.

Believe me, I tried.

See? I tried…

SO I’M JOKING OH!! ABEG!

***

I was sitting around hitting a blunt, when the blunt looked and me and said “You know what I don’t understand? How do suicide bombers get convinced to become suicide bombers? I mean, if I asked you to die while killing people, would you?” and I stared at the blunt and I could only think of one response:

“A talking blunt! This is some good shit!”

Then I fainted, and I dreamt about the recruitment process n shit…

*Cumical leaves his senses*

***

Scene opens with a dude in a turban, a white tee and grey shorts with matching toms who steps into a sound proof room and seals the door. He faces a class of about 15 male students and starts talking.

Suicide Trainer: Do you ignorant fools know why we are here?

First Student: To blow shit up nigguh!

Suicide Trainer: Islam does not permit the use of expletives infidel. I ask again, does anyone know why we are here.

Student: I’m guessing we finna make some money?

Suicide Trainer: Did you read the sign on the door before you applied for this?

Student: Nah, I read the invitation on twitter

Suicide Trainer: Nigga what? There was an invitation on twitter?

Student: Yeah dawg. Some @BokoHaram_ dude tweeted that if we wanted to make money for our families; we should show up for a training program and what not. And that we will be rewarded in the life that is important ‘n’ shit.

Suicide Trainer: So you have no idea why you are here? Nobody?

Student in turban: We’re here to defend ourselves, and kill the infidels!

Suicide Trainer: That’s what I’m talmbout niccuh! High five!

Student in front: For real? That’s why we’re here?

Suicide Trainer: That’s what’s on the menu, yes. Are you in or out?

Student: Depends. What’s in it for us?

Suicide Trainer: *sigh* The human nature. Well first, your families will be rewarded. Richly, we will ensure their safety, and their comfort. We will make sure that they enjoy the finer things in life. It really is…

Student: I’m not sure you heard me sir. I asked what was in it for us. Let me be more specific. What’s in it for ME?

Suicide Trainer: Oh, well… nothing. You die ‘n’ shit.

Student: You’re kidding right. I yell some stuff and fly into a building and that’s it? I don’t get nothing? I just…die?

Suicide Trainer: Uhm…Yeah.

Student: That’s some ol’ bullshit nigga. I’m out.

*gets up to leave and is followed by some others in support*

Suicide Trainer: Well, you do stand to win one thing…

Students: What?

Suicide Trainer: *lowers voice* Bitches…

Student in the back: I KNEW THERE WERE SOME BENEFITS! FRINGE BENEFITS MA NIGGA! THAT’S WHAT I’M TALMBOUT! WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY THIS AT FIRST? HOT DAMN! I’M FINNA GET ME SOME…

Suicide Trainer: SHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Other Student in the front: Yo! Break it down, what kinda bitches? White bitches? Black bitches? East Indian bitches? Australian bitches? Asian bitches? Big booty bitches? Flat titty bitches? Be specific ma nig…

Suicide Trainer: Uhm…all kinds of bitches.

Student: How many? Cos ma fantasy has always been having more than two bitches at a time yo!

Suicide Trainer: Calm yo Islamic titties.

Student: WE’RE WASTING QUALITY TIME WITH BITCHES YO…

Suicide Trainer: 5 bitches.

Student: Nigga, I ALREADY got mo’ than 5 bitches! Shit, I got 5 bitches waiting for me at home right now.

Suicide Trainer: Did I say 5? I meant 50.

Random Student: Don’t lie to us dawg. What’s the actual number? 5 or 50? Let us know!? Give us a straight figure!

Suicide Trainer: *sighs* Let’s see. *counts in the air* 72.

Student: Did you say seven to two? Anything less than 10, and we out niccuh!

Suicide Trainer: Seven-ty-two

Student: Seve…seventy two bitches? Hot damn!

Suicide Trainer: Yeah nigga, Did I mention they were virgins?

Student: 72 Virgin bitches?

Suicide Trainer: Yep! 72 bitches. With big ass titties n shit! Got that body so soft they call her “Body so soft”. So…are you in or out?

*students who were standing all take their seats*

Suicide Trainer: Good. We shall begin. First, we will put you on airplanes with no emergency eject seats, so y’all don’t bitch out in the last minute n all that. Next, we will…

***

*Cumical comes back to his senses*

And this, my friends is how recruits are gathered to me. I put myself in their shoes, and in my head, I could not come up with any LOGICAL explanation as to why a fully grown (sometimes educated), common-sense-having human being with brain matter between his earlobes would lay down his life for the sole purpose of destroying others’ except that he was looking forward to some virgin pussy like Joseph.

Well, I hope you don’t get disappointed…like Joseph.

As a matter of fact, you will, but let’s just assume you don’t get disappointed. You get to ‘heaven’ to meet 72 bitches with their hymens fully present. (I’m guessing they died as virgins on earth? Or they are beings specially created for the pleasure of your penis?) Say you focus on one new virgin every week, in 504 days (roughly a year and a half), you’re done with virgin pussy.

What next nigga?

You have orgies? Awesome. #Winning

Give or take, two years down the line in eternity, even if you’re having sex once a day, you’ve done every style imaginable, and penetrated every hole conceivable, counting ear holes, nostrils and even down to sweat pores.

You. Sick. Bastard…

So 3 years of mind blowing sex.

Then what?

Eternity. Is. Forever.

Y’all niggas gotta chill. Here’s what I suggest:

The government oughta get some virgins all up in a building n shit. Potential Suicide Bombers walk in, pick 72 of them bitches, and walk the fuck out. No harm done and what not. I’m telling you. Start the Give-The-Bombers-Some-Pussy™ initiative. Matter of fact, put me in charge. I’ll manage that shit so well, we’ll all be in peace.

Imma write the proposal tonight!

Okay, this is all jokes, but really. What’s the point of the suicide bombings? I understand that these folk are trying to pass a message across and what not, and that’s an issue for another day. How does a man become convinced to fly into a building with bombs all around his balls if not for afterlife punani? If that’s not the reason, how come there aren’t many female suicide bombers?

Explain this to me.